MERE MORTALS CANNOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE OF SOUR KEYS

I recently bought myself a little basil plant and I'm in love with it! That's not it pictured above, as I would never post a photo of a family member unless it's of one of them scoring a goal. I take such good care of the little guy. It sits under the biggest window in our place on its own TV tray. Sometimes I'll put it out on the window sill to get some real deal sun, but I can't leave it out there all the time because the raccoons will get at it. The first time I put it out there a bunch of flies descended on it in a matter of seconds. It was almost as if it were the most perfect piece of shit.

Taking care of a plant is like taking care of any other living thing except it shuts up all the time and loves you right back by providing leaves that go great with tomatoes and mozzarella.

Why aren't scientists making herbs bigger and better instead of wasting their time with Gatorade?

We give water plants, but what if we started planting water? Same things I guess. Can you feed water? Can we make water better? Imagine there was a scientist who figured out that water actually tastes like fruit punch, but some Roman Emperor changed it to what we know today because he was a pretty boring guy? Or maybe Jesus was pissed off when her realized all these guys were mad at him so he was like "Fine, I'm going to make water the most boring liquid. Instead of it being the most beautiful shade of belp (a beautiful colour Jesus later destroyed because he was so pissed. Rightfully so), it will be clear. Instead of it tasting like fruit punch (not like today's fruit punch. More peach flavour) it will taste like nothing. It will still help you live though, I'm not a monster, obviously." Lets grind up a blend of herbs, flowers and nice vines and feed it to water and see what happens. To me that seems like the most reasonable thing we can do right now.  

What do plants need to be smarter? They'd definitely need a brain and a central nervous system for starters, but it'd help if they had a cool attitude and a sense of humour. Are any plants on the cusp? Have we noticed any plants evolving? What if we aren't paying attention and corn is like "if you'd stop picking us for one damn summer we'd probably get noses". Seriously, what's a reasonable step for plants to make that would make them a bit smarter? Maybe they can make some noise?

Hey, do venus fly traps taste good? I feel like we're all scared of them and treat them with a little too much respect. I wonder how bees feel about them. Two of the most feared, both pretty amazing too. Are they the smartest plant? They must be because they pretty much have a face. Let's expose a couple to radiation and see what happens. Worst case scenario, we waste an afternoon. Who is the smartest plant? I guess trees probably. Forgot about them. Oh man, some trees look like they have faces, but who cares unless the face moves? I can draw a face on paper no problem, paper is trees, faces are faces, but no one gets goosebumps and starts to tear up when they see it. I wonder how other plants think of trees. I wouldn't be surprised if they were jealous because we care about them way more than thyme.Good thing trees don't taste good or else it'd be over for all of us. Would you throw up if you ate a tree?

Would a snake eat fresh herbs? I know the raccoon likes my basil, but a raccoon would eat a used condom if it had salt on it. If you gave a cow the option of eating hay or a basket full of basil, oregano, thyme and marjoram, would it always take the hay? If a cow and a pig is around shit and slop all day, does that mean they prefer those smells to the human classics?

Plants at the bottom of the ocean are such hogs. A documentary on ocean plants should be called "24 Hour Party People" instead of that Manchester movie. That one should have been called "Grey Skies, Wet Eyes". Next step in environmentally friendly cars -- cars that run on photosynthesis. Water your car, eat your car.

As I lie on my deathbed I'm going to eat a ton of seeds. Everything from tulips to brambles. Then, after I utter my last words, "it's been pretty good" I'll have my family bury me nude in some really good soil, maybe PEI or behind Buckingham Palace. Then all this shit will grow out of me and I'll sort of be alive. If that can't be arranged, I'd like a loved one to read a note from me that simply says, "I know this is hard to take, but unfortunately, it's sad but true", then Metallica's Sad But True plays, they light my body on fire, and the staff wheels out 200 beers, 100 pizzas and 50 party subs.



I'm so worried my plant will die. The raccoons want it so bad. In order to make this work I have to really manage my Italian dishes or else I'll be the destroyer.

HANDKERCHIEF WITH BUILT IN CLOCK

The Olympics start this week and sure, I'm excited to watch a bunch of government-funded jocks play around, but at the same time, if you've seen one Olympics you've seen 'em all. The whole thing essentially boils down to people being fast and throwing things far while wearing suits designed by scientists who should've been spending their time trying to figure out how to make mice poo out grapes for the poor. And if all the events are the same year after year, who even cares where they take place? The pools in London aren't any different than the ones in Beijing (except British water has more milk in it for smoother teas). It's not like the Blue Jays build a new stadium every season. If organizers want to improve the Olympics, and as I've just demonstrated, they DEFINITELY need improving, the culture and heritage of the host country should inform the style of each games. This is such a good idea I can't even believe it. Let's explore!!

Summer Olympics 2012 in London, England

England's history is rife with tales of rude wizards and sexy dragons, and when visiting the island National Geographic called "The one with the worst pineapples" most people are attracted to the castles and darkness of the famed medieval age. Since the medieval age was full of tournaments and shit, it's a match made in gravy.

Charles and Diana (pregnant with Wills), 1981

Instead of fielding athletes, countries will have to send their best knights. Let's get serious, they don't have to be actual knights, they can be regular athletes, but yes, they must wear armour, and no, women aren't allowed. Don't worry ladies, the door is now open to pose as a man, win some event, then dramatically reveal that Sir Ulf The Blood Barfer, is actually fair lady Dana of Gothenburg, causing Lords of all shapes and sizes to spit out their ale in surprise and exclaim, "just what sort of sorcery is this?"

There will of course be classic events such as jousting and archery, as well as innovative, modern demonstration events like the one where everyone pees on an iPad until it turns off. The main draw will probably be the sword pull. We all know the classic tale of the Sword in the Stone, so no country will be dumb enough to send muscle men, giving wieners around the world the opportunity to compete. There won't be any magic involved of course, it will work more like a slot machine with the winner being chosen at random. Bonus points will be rewarded for creative grunts and colourful robes.

Speaking of magic, each country will also send their best magician to act as a sort of overseer/supporter. He or she or dolphin (Mauritius' top magician, a bottle nose named Haywire) will be allowed to use illusions or just straight up yelling in an attempt to throw off rival countries. They will also be flag bearers and must come up with way to bear the flag other than the time honoured tradition of carrying it on a stick. I once saw an Argentinean magician/flag bearer eat his flag then pull it out of a sprinter's behind.

"I control the nasty bits"

Speaking of the opening/closing ceremonies, there won't really be any. Instead, Wembley Stadium will be turned into the biggest, most raucous, most throwing big turkey bones to dirty old dogs, people having sex on hay-type banquet the world has ever seen. Not only is this a demonstration of hospitality and an opportunity for merriment, but it will also show which country can hold the most liquor, which is an event as well. No one will know this until the sun rises when the King has his servants hit play on the stadium's state-of-the-art sound system that will then blast Iron Maiden's "The Wicker Man" for all to wake to. First country to have its roster of knights, damsels and magicians wake up and finish a full English breakfast, bean juice and all, will win top prize.



There won't be medals of course, that would take the work of thousands of smiths working 'round the dial, but rather livestock bred on some of the most beautiful pastures this side of the Shire.

Pure Bread Shrewsbury Clydesdale = GOLD
Horny Bull = SILVER
Decent Sow = BRONZE
Pint of Scrumpy = All participants

I think we managed to mention barf, piss and poo in one post. That means we've completed the WIDAHIA Hat Trick!

YOU CAN TASTE THE RAIN THE COW DRANK IN THE WORLD'S BEST BEEF BURGER

TENNIS THIS YEAR

You may not know it to look at me, but I'm an athlete. At first glance I'm a regular beanpole with a blueberry head, and yet my career in sport is above average (sub-illustrious). My body doesn't seem to react to anything I put it through, which may mean I'm an alien. Perhaps the Zorb that programmed my human disguise was too busy playing Scrobboobleps on her Grimzax to properly code the growth matrix. If I were to lift weights I'd probably just get hairier. If I ate too much pizza I'd probably have more complex breath. The only time I got "jacked" was when I was a junk man for a couple of summers. I don't think it was all the lifting though, I think it was all the time I spent at some of the GTA's best dumps, aquiring nutrients and vitamins through osmosis thanks to the fragrant air. Seriously, anyone who's ever slept in the same room as me claims they don't need breakfast the next morning. On my rookie card it says "Glenn displays a high level of nutrient transference but sucks at bunting".

Tennis is a sport I've played for a long time, albeit extremely casually. This year I had the opportunity to get a new racquet that cost over 30 dollars thanks to one of those reward programs that buys merchandise by selling your information to Batman. All of a sudden I feel like Thor when he wraps his hands around his big knife. 

Due to some injuries and my fondness for playing skateboard video games, I've only been able to play once this year with co-comedian Chris Locke, whose racqet turned his hands orange because it was old and rich in beta carotene. Good thing we didn't pass by any gardens or he would've been pegged as a carrot rascal faster than a hare on a slip 'n slide.

If we continue to play regularly for the rest of the summer I think we can qualify for Wimbledon the next time the Queen blows into her platinum clarinet, summoning the world's top smackers to the storied lawns.

I bet if you work as a grass cutter at Wimbledon, you take so much grass home the first couple of weeks. There's two type of relationships in this world:

1. Husband gets job cutting grass at Wimbledon. Brings home tons of grass. Wife hates it but supports his career and also finds it kind of cute. After a month on the job, Husband can't think of anything to do with grass plus the job starts getting boring, so he sprinkles his collection on his own lawn, shrugs his shoulders then goes out and gets pissed.

2. Husband gets job cutting grass at Wimbledon. Wife won't shut up about bringing home grass clippings. He obeys. She shows her friends. Makes crafts for an afternoon, gives grass as presents, kind of forgets the whole grass thing and now won't shut up about a tennis membership. Husband says "I'll ask", never asks because it's stupid, but brings her toilet paper from women's toilets.

I'd be the first one I think.

ADD SOME MORE CRINKLE OF THE PLASTIC BAG TO THE CHORUS

FAN UPDATE

Every so often it's a good idea to keep your super fans and stalkers up to date with what's been going on in your life just so they can adjust their schedules accordingly. I don't want to ruin anything, but let's just say this update is going to totally confuse the part of your brain that controls orgasms.

A couple months back I made a major change in my morning routine and I haven't looked back. This was the kind of move that may end up sticking with me forever, a routine I'll pass along to my brood of super boys for them to take, then shape, into a personalized routine that works for them and their pets. I may be insistent that they always keep batteries in the freezer and use the memo field on cheques for wee little jokes, but as for morning routine, I can merely guide them down a path. As tempting as it is I'm not going to just throw them in a wheelbarrow and and push them around until we hit a rock and they fly into a patch of berries that when eaten cause knees to grow teeth.

I realized I needed a change when I found myself constantly rushing shower time. This is not healthy for a guy who sees the shower as a poor man's hot tub, a place where deep thinking meets deep relaxation meets nudity meets pretending the soap is a chocolate bar.

My routine consisted of a casual wake up, leaving me ample time to eat, watch all of SportsCentre (which I had got into the habit of PVRing), then shower, then teeth. I did it this way because I wanted to keep my bathroom activities in one, solid block, and since only idiots brush their teeth before breakfast, I left that portion to the end of the morning. This is partly because my bathroom is upstairs while my kitchen and TV are downstairs. Remember that part in Toys when LL Cool J explains how he doesn't like his food touching? I think it's sort of like that. Where's my bed? We sleep in a nest!

I put SportsCentre and breakfast ahead of bathroom time, which I didn't think was fixable because bathroom time would then be moved to the pole position violating my 'no brush 'til after the mush' rule. I  started fooling myself into believing that SportsCentre was more important than shower hour, even though I fast forward through most of it only to get to the part at the end when they compile at top ten list. My favourite top ten? Top ten athletes who should've played Morpheus.

I had to start thinking outside the box and the big revelation came when I decided to split up the brush and the wash. I'd prioritize the shower, make SportsCentre the middle man, and finish with a late game brushing. The best part? When I'm done my shower I don't even have to hang around in the bathroom, I can go straight to breakfast and and entertainment without rushing the brushing. Since my mouth gets clean at the last possible moment before I leave, freshness is my reward. I've been barking at so many morning babes these days.

In conclusion, I'd highly recommend examining your own routine and see if you can identify anything stupid.

"Change is like a fine wine -- no one knows where it comes from and rich people are so lucky"
- American proverb

THE FINAL EXAM WILL BE SUPERVISED BY THE COOL KID WHO FAILED ON PURPOSE

Food Trucks are the hottest new culinary trend since chocolate hoses. Chefs from all over the world are leaving the comforts of their restaurant kitchens for a life on the road, serving up tasty creations to adults of all sexes out in the hot suns of Planet Human.

Recently I searched the Internet and the graffiti in my Church's bathroom for a definitive how-to guide on how to get started on food trucking, but there wasn't anything good. I found a lot of pictures of tractor trailers made out of sausage and a lot of funny poems about Jesus' bum bum, but nothing a bright-eyed entrepreneur would be able to use. It's probably a simple matter of the trend being in its toddler phase, which is a great phase for a guy like me to swoop in and start documenting the whole phenomenon before pop culture grabs a hold. It's only a matter of time until:

NYPD Blueberries
Seinfeld's Bagels
Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Car
Lord of the Rings, the Burrito King

HOW TO START A FOOD TRUCK

If you think starting a successful food truck is hard, you're both wrong and beautiful. Food trucks are ten times easier than opening a restaurant and only marginally harder than getting a pair of boxer shorts on a raccoon. All it takes is five easy steps and some start up money. I don't want to tell you how to make the money, but I'll try to set you on the right path. Two words: Computer Wigs.

Step 1: Choose a Food

The first step in creating your business is to choose a food that you'll serve to some of North America's most migraine-inducing food fans, otherwise known as 'foodies'. I shouldn't be one to talk, as I'm part of a new movement of forward-thinking urbanites who enjoy breathing more than others. We use our income and free time toward enjoying new air and we've been tinkering with a way to use our genital holes in the respiratory process.

Most food trucks concentrate on one main item, like tacos or hot dogs or acorns. For the purposes of our example, let's choose Shish Kebabs, which are made by skewering chunks of meat and/or vegetables and then cocooning them in hair. They can then be grilled or baked.

Step 2: Find a Truck

I don't know where you can find a truck. I guess check the news maybe? Just make sure you don't accidentally buy a train.

Step 3: Choose a Name

Your food truck won't be popular unless you come up with a killer name/concept. This will inform your truck's attitude and will influence the quirky names you give to each of your dishes. Let's do some brainstorming and see what we can come up with for our new shish kebab truck before I gotta take a quick break to check on a batch of my homemade Skittles.

Swish Kebab -  A basketball theme. All workers dress in classic basketball camisoles.
Shit Kebab - brown truck, toilet trailer, slogan "All food turns to shit"
Fish Kebab - grilled fish, all workers wear goggles. Free water for customers
Shish K. Bob's - mascot is a business man
Fresh Kebab - boring

Step 3: Menu Plan

Looks like I'm going to have a really good batch of Skittles. You don't have to be an accomplished chef to build a great menu. All you need to do is pick a handful of ethnicities, apply them to your main food item then give them a quirky name.

Italian Shish Kebab -- The Shish Kebabambino -- it has cured meat and like, olives on it
Asian Shish Kebab -- The Shish Kebabibimbab -- Korean style
Mexican Shish Kebab -- The Sombrero -- it has a lot of cumin
Nebraska Shish Kebab - The Shish KeCob -- just corn
French Shish Kebab - The Shish de Sade -- duck, mini croissant, butter, cognac


Step 4: Mission Statement

Your truck won't be popular unless you claim to use fresh, local ingredients. You don't actually have to, as it's doubtful that some guy will be able to tell the difference between a carrot from Dubai and one from Guelph.

Step 5: Image

Your staff will have to be smiley, cute and quirky, and at least one person will need tattoos. You'll all need t-shirts with modern designs. If anyone asks why you do what you do just say "I want to give people fresh food made with lots of love". Go outside of this image and risk having a bunch of suburban philistines as your clientele.

MANY YEARS AGO, IN A TENT FAR, FAR FROM WHERE YOU LEFT YOUR BIKE

Everyone loves Shakespeare so much, and so many people think she's the best writer there ever was, right? Has there ever been a writer who fully admits to being influenced by Shakespeare and tries to write in the exact same style but it doesn't matter because they're all like "He's my greatest inspiration"? Here's how that might play out:

You 

What are you working on?

Friend 

Just trying to finish this new play. I'm on the second quarto.

You 

Uhh, Cool. I thought I heard you were writing a play, what's it all about?

Friend 

It's pretty much like, half Macbeth, half Merchant of Venice.

You 

Oh, sounds good, like loosely based?

Friend 

Of course, but Shakespeare is my biggest inspiration.

You 

That makes sense, that guy wrote some great stuff. Can you read me some?

Friend 

Sure! Here's a part where the farm girl, Nancy, is talking all sexy to Prince Barry: "Dost Twine upon a lovely boredom, for spring cannot and will not intend to justify the stars. Hark Barry! Me thought thine iPod twitch'd rarely in unseen majestics"

You 

Yeah man, that's uh, that's pretty funny.

Friend 

Um, no. She's talking about being depressed in the modern age. 

You 

Fuck you Troy. By the way, I know you've never seen Pulp Fiction even though you told me it was one of your favourites.

Friend 

Fuck you Lenny, I have seen it and my sister even owns it.

You 

Where does Christopher Walken hide the watch?

Friend 

A hollowed out book?

You 

I knew it!

Friend 

I haven't seen it since '95, I swear. I remember the part where John Travolta dances.

You 

Everyone knows that part. I'm leaving and I'm taking a Gatorade with me. 

Friend 

It's my last one, asshole, don't.

You 

There's like, four in here. 

Friend 

Okay, you can have one.  

Does that happen in the literary world? I'm just so full of questions today!


Why don't babies drink water?
Why don't ghosts ever go outside?
What was the last book Michael Jackson read?
Are all perverts who want to have sex with fish SCUBA divers?

The answer to the last one is 100% yes I bet.

Billiam Sharkspear (better name)


COOL CORNER

Turns out my air conditioner is just fine, which is damn good news considering today is so hot that ear wax is flowing onto the streets like chocolate milk out of the dick of a brown cow. 
 
To celebrate, here's a new cartoon featuring everyone's favourite scapegoat, the sun. I've been thinking a lot of about the sun and moon lately, and I think that if I were to worship anyone, it'd be those guys. The sun does everything God claims he can do (keep things alive, give you that nice tan you want) while the moon is so crazy it moves water and has something to do with menstruation which is crazy enough as it is. The sun is like Gandalf and the moon is like Saruman.
 

Click to bigger

INTERLUBE

Just before I left for work this morning I stopped by the bed to give my sleeping girl a goodbye lick on the arm when I noticed that our air conditioner was blowing out white air. White air is way better than yellow air, but I can't help but wonder if the old boy is struggling. That air conditioner is the only thing keeping our apartment from becoming the inside of a Corvette with the windows closed sitting in the middle of the vast Sri Lankan bayou in August.

Plus, I don't want the hassle of buying a new one, which isn't that hard, but I'd rather spend the money on this new drug I discovered called CEREAL. Just joking, I've been eating the stuff my whole life. I need to re-discover Crispix. Did I mention I'm sick of Mini-Wheats? I even bought new Mini-Wheats Centres as a way of re-kinkling my romance, but the amount of centre in each square was pathetic. It's like if you were having relationship trouble and you asked your wife kindly to go out and buy some nice lingerie in an effort to jump start your vas deferens, and she comes back with a sports bra and a 6-pack of Hanes full seaters. 

Anyway, I'd put better odds on horses learning how to make fresh tagliatelle than me smoothly and correctly installing an air conditioner in my window.

Do you think that when an airplane hangar gets hot, they just turn on all the planes for a bit?

 Also, happy Independence Day to the United States, my most visited foreign country and home to the best convenience stores in the world. When I was a little boy we went on a trip to Canada's east coast and on the way home we cut through the USA, which I think was my first time there. I remember entering New York State and thinking that I'd see celebrities on every corner. When I exited our brown Ford Taurus into the hotel parking lot I yelled out "Hellllloooo America!".

Goodbye and I hope your shoes fit today.

X-RAYS SHOULD BE IN COLOUR BY NOW

My contact over at CFL Marketing and Communications approached me regarding a league-integrated social media campaign aimed at bringing football awareness to young, connected, tech savvy idea leaders in large urban markets.

 

I'm extremely happy to announce that I will be contributing to the campaign starting today with a new feature called "Tuesday Evening Place Kicker" where I look back at the past few days and discuss while adhering to the CFL's content integration policies. I think this is a big win for both the league and blogosphere across Canada and I hope you enjoy the new feature as much as CFL fans enjoy a late game rouge on 3rd down.

The Canadian Football League and McCain Foods present...

Tuesday Evening Place Kicker

Pride Weekend/Anderson Cooper

In Argos country it was a huge weekend for the LGBT community with the city's annual Pride celebrations taking place. The weather was as beautiful as a tight spiral out of the soft, creamy hands of a young Doug Flutie, and though I didn't attend this year's festivities, I'm sure everyone had a lot of safe, greasy, topless fun.

It's a damn shame that high school football coach and Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford chose not to attend, but his people have confirmed that he will be at this year's Grey Cup at the Rogers Centre even though his daughter is getting married that day. He even agreed to be the Mustard Marshall during the French's Halftime Celebration with performances by Treble Charger featuring Anne Murray and magic from The Fantastic Horace Fantastic.

Adding fuel to the Pride weekend party was news that popular CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper finally admitted to the public that he is homosexual. The cool thing about this revelation is that we can officially start calling him "The Silverback Gayrilla" based on his signature silver hair and tendency to order bamboo at New York's hottest restaurants.

Spain are Repeat Euro Cup Champions

It's too bad this great sporting accomplishment was overshadowed by Week 1 of the 2012 CFL season, or as we call it in our country "Canadian Easter" because it also falls on Canada's birthday weekend. If John A. MacDonald were still alive, he'd have an erection stretching from St. John's to Victoria, meaning his balls would be tickling New Brunswick.

Poor ratings for the soccer event definitely raised questions as to the future of the sport in Canada and whether or not the CFL should've adjusted the schedule to accommodate the fledgling tournament. I also  heard that many fans at Wimbledon left some high profile matches on Friday to take to the pub where they were broadcasting Saskatchewan vs. Hamilton.

I was actually in Toronto's Little Italy neighbourhood on Sunday during the soccer game and it was great seeing so many CFL fans dressed in Argo blue waving red, white and green flags that presumably represent blood, sportsmanship and the environment, the three Pillars of Excellence found in the league's mission statement.

There are currently no plans to move this year's Olympics, which of course take place during some pivotal mid-season match-ups, but the IOC is aware of the conflict and is considering providing real-time updates to athletes and attendees via leaflet dropped from zeppelin over the streets of London.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Divorce

I can't remember feeling this empty since the CFL lost the Ottawa Renegades in 2006 leaving a gaping hole in our captial's sports scene. I don't have confirmation on this, but there are rumours that Tom likes the Blue Bombers while Katie pledges allegiance to Rider Nation.

Anyway, I think most of us saw this coming because Hollywood relationships seldom last, especially ones between a true Thetan and some small town hussy with decent hair, know what I mean? 

By the way, a copy of Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health by Lord Hubbard can be found as an insert within every CFL game day program during the 2012 season!