MOTHER LOAD OF HINTS

DON'T FORGET, IT'S SUMMER

Eat the freshest fruit and throw away the core because the animals need a gourmet vacation too

Don't bug your mom about the money she owes you, she needs a new swimsuit and the ones she likes aren't exactly cheap

Sailing is expensive; just ride your bike to the pool, same thing man

Books? Sure, as long as they're read through the lenses of your favourite sunglasses, or read to you by your summer crush, Kelly

Winter corn? You might as well be eating old phone books. Summer corn? You might as well be eating the annual United Nations Outdoor Picnic and Flea Market with optional swimming and live entertainment from a band that sounds like your favourite.

Don't bother going to Toys R Us, summer garbage is highly playable

Grass - free carpets that grow in a very nice shade of green, one of the most popular colours I can think of.

HEY RED BARON, EAT CLOUDS!

I've been very busy lately tending to my pastures and watching the new Global Reality Channel, featuring some of your all-time faves - Survivor, Fear Factor, and even Snot Swap.

MID SUMMER REPORT CARD
The mind of a man created this

Is this even the middle of summer? What day is it? Who are you? I'm Glenn, a real guy from the well-planned roads of Toronto. This summer has been one hot mother fucker. My now deep black skin glistens like the Internet in January and I've eaten so many Creamsicles that Popsicle Pete is shaking in his frosty panties because he's scared he's going to run out I guess. The hot sun has drawn out a maximum amount of skin-baring babes like the cool round moon brings out werewolves and astro-dweebs. With that in mind, the summer already achieves an Eh Plus (OH CANADA, OUR HOME ON NATIVE LAND).

Maybe an A+ is a bit overboard, because I haven't played nearly as much tennis as I had planned to and I still think I should lay in grassy fields more. Also, I haven't been berry pickin' once! My mom used to take us all the time, but now that I'm an urban cosmopolitan yuppie type, I generally turn my nose up at leaving the confides of downtown to go bend over in the mud for a few hours. Just joking, I simply haven't the desire.



I think this rules?

What can we expect to see in Q2 summer 2010?

A new style of lady bathing wear that combines the sleek lines of a one-piece, with added flippers, a built in hood with goggle, and a thonged buttock.

LeBron James will take his talents to the Culinary Institute of America where he'll do some lovely things with tomatoes

Kids addicted to video games will finally go outside and get way into swings.

Waterworld

S'mores will replace roast beef on Sundays

This entry took me so damn long. My favourite part is the link to Tom Morello. What's yours this time?

GLENN
"Summer of 69s"

HECTIC RECTUMS

FILM REVIEW

Christopher Nolan's INCEPTION

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio

Spoilers Ahead

INCEPTION. Where to start? Here we have a film helmed by the same man who had the audacity to tell Batman what to do on TWO separate occasions. In this one he orders around the world's most famous Italian-American, Leonardo DiCaprio, who once again shows us that a River Phoenix haircut and a plot about a dead wife is what he's all about.

INCEPTION follows some snazzy dressers who fall asleep on a plane and then play serious games in each other's dreams. Leo, the most stylish of the bunch, is all topsy turvy because his wife keeps showing up in his dream games and doesn't once show him her "T-Balls". Him and his model friends, plus Ellen "Stephen" Page, are on a mission to make Cillian Murphy forget that his dead dad hates him so that Ken Watanabe's business doesn't go under. I don't remember/wasn't told what his business is, so let's go ahead and assume he manufactures hose.

Meanwhile, Leo faces murder charges back in his hometown of America, and Ken promises he'll have the charges pooed away if Leo can successfully brainwash Murphy without his clothed wife scaring him too bad. Watanabe must be one hell of a hose man to wield that kind of power. "Welcome to Ken's Hose - We hose the world (you know, that green kind of hose that everyone has)."

The Hollywood Machine

This movie is better than "A Nightmare on Elm Street", worse than the "Matrix", and better than "Willow", which my friends Andy and Greg claim is the best movie to judge other movies against.

PROS

- Even though the dream sequences in the movie don't look like my dreams (not enough surf boards and candy buffets), they were still done very well. Christopher Nolan wrote this guy himself, so one can only assume that the dreamscapes in the film are based on his own, meaning he dreams about upside down cities, James Bond snow fortresses and handsome men in suits with cool jobs.

JOES

- Learning the rules of dream-playing was like learning how to piss -- you have to learn it to better understand the world around you, but you'd rather just piss your pants. No, wait.... well it's kind of the same thing. Better than Willow.

I give this movie an "a-okay" and a "neat camerawork, Chris". I want Leo to do a comedy next because I think the public views him as a well-respected Principal type who always shows up to football games but never to the annual silly fashion show where there's always a nude or two. Did your school have those? Yeah, mine neither.

WATER TOWERS?

Before we pig out, I'd just like to promote our (the boys (my friends (the Polecats (not the weasel kind)))) show on Friday, the second GONG THE SHOW, a great show for anyone, even MILFs and lollygaggers.

Last night I went to a Courvoisier tasting event brought to you by the same viral marketing company that gave me a free Zune that I couldn't even use, and a Carlsberg party that fulfilled the age old desire of 'free beer' and 'branded crap' (we finally got rid of our four Carlsberg ice buckets last week). The idea is that I tell you guys about these products, you buy them and the economy chugs along on its golden rails, while Robin Hood sits in a dirty oak tree, picking his scabs all day.

This event was good because me and my friend Scott had a fair number of Courvoisier based drinks, and we hung out with some friends such as friend Alicia and her friend, who by association is now our friend. Afterwards we had pizza and told ghost stories, which is in my top 5 favourite things to do, just below "fishin'" and just above "babysitting rich kids". The event also featured a guy dressed as Napoleon on stilts, and some strange Dutch-Asian dancers who wiggled a bunch -- sounds like the latest Jerry Bruckheimer film?

So next time you're at the store buying cognac, why not choose COURVOISIER EXCLUSIF? It's brown, it's cognac, Napoleon maybe invented it, and I don't care what kind of cognac you drink.

FACE IT PETER, I STOLE YOUR WIFE

*

Vampires are such interesting guys that a mere interview with one spawned a book AND a major motion picture. I bet your favourite sports star wouldn't be able to pull something like that off. In an attempt to boost ratings around here, I tried to interview a vampire because they're good at it and because they're on top of the world right now thanks to a little franchise called Harry Potter.

Unfortunately, Vampires probably aren't real, and even if they were it's not like a know any. Instead I secured an entertaining discussion with the next closest thing -- my friend Danny who sucks. Do you get that? It's all about that word "sucks" taken in a different context.

Interview with Danny who sucks

D - Make this quick, I'm going to Canada's Wonderland today

WIDAHIA - Oh, okay, well that's a great place to start -- what's your favourite ride?

D - You see, this is what I've been talking about lately man, you're so out of it. No one goes there for the rides anymore. It's all about strolling around and lowering your shades when you see a hot girl. If she winks at you, you meet at Splash Works, she sits in your lap and you apply sunscreen to her. If shit is real, you grab a lemonade, spike it with Bacardi Spiced, chug it, and then have sex in a bathroom. Then you ditch her and do it again. Last time I went? Seven girls.

WIDAHIA - Why bother going to Wonderland to do that, why not just go to a club or a beach or something?

D - Why do I pop my collar? Why do I have a tattoo of my dog? Why does toast* taste better than bread? How do planes stay in the sky? Dude, a lot of questions don't have answers. You think too much. The trick is to realize something is cool and then just do it. Like my man Frank told me about this Wonderland shit and I didn't question it. First time I went I rode the Bat and I didn't get laid once. I asked Frank what was up and he told me the same thing I just told you about not going on rides. I just accepted it unlike you, and BAM SAM, I've honked more tits in three weeks than I have in my whole life.

WIDAHIA - You're a dick sometimes.

D - And who owns dicks? Men. And who owns the world? Men. No offense taken brother.

WIDAHIA - Okay, what do you want to talk about?

D - iPhones are pretty sick.

Danny took out his iPhone and showed me his apps. Surprisingly, his favourite is a simple recipe finder.

WIDAHIA - That's pretty neat, I don't have an iPhone, but I love to cook, so this one would be great for me.

D - This thing is hilarious. Look -- "Spotted Dick" (laughs very hard), check this one -- "Dill Weed", and my favourite "Pork Butt". This is probably the funniest app I have. Have you seen the "Fart Dogs" app?

THE END

Maybe I should've just done an interview with a vampire. I was going to at first. I should've spun that ending, but it's one of those days where Monday feels like it does in the movies.

That's it for today. I just finished a bag of Hickory Sticks in like, five minutes and my body feels strange. Will root beer solve the problem? Find out tomorrow on Dateline NBC, where I'll talk about today's events and address the whole situation with that baby lion I found in the toilet.

DIG A HOLE, PUT SOMETHING SILLY IN IT, COVER IT AND SCATTER CLUES

Holy fruit, 7 of my 451 recorded friends have birthdays today. If my math is correct, that means their parents had sex around Remembrance Day, the lustiest day of the year next to Saturday. So big birthday "whoop whoops" to Jon, Ashley, Ginger, Levi, Mike, Gary and Laura.

Before I went shopping this morning to buy each one of the birthday friends **SPOILER ALERT** a cute little cactus, I sat down with my birds and read the paper. Yesterday I made fun of the news, because that's what my heart told me to do, but today I think I'll take a more scientific approach and analyze it.

First, there's this story about a little town whose annual turtle race was canceled because some people heard about it and got really pizzed. To those people I say -- wipe a butt! I could understand being mad at a turtle hunt or turtle baseball, but to chastise a small town for getting some shells together for a race, then returning them to what's probably a very cute little river, is just plain shitty. "One Burlington man called the race an “odious and despicable game” and Ailsa Craig a “poorly educated backwoods community.” I call that one Burlington man "stupid and old". He should mind his business and go back to watering his suburban driveway.

Then there was an article on Rob Ford, a big man who wants to be Mayor of Toronto. When I saw this picture of him, I thought I was looking at a villain in the next Batman film:

It's like he's running for mayor, but really he's just a puppet of the Joker and once he wins the election, and is sitting in a hot tub full of ladies smoking a cigar, the Joker comes in and kills him. Look at the button! That's a prop!

He looks a lot like the Rush Limbaugh character on the Simpsons, "Birch Barlow":

Have a good weekend, readers of the screen, have fun, stay cool and make your own granola to save money.

MAKE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BREAK YOURSELF (YOU HAVE TO)

Yesterday I was riding my bike across Queen St. here in Toronto and I swear, 85% of girls I passed were hot babes. I feel bad for the other 15% because it's not like they were trolls or anything, they just had big time competition.

Summer is season of skin and those who think their skin, valleys, peaks and nose are top of the pops want to show it off. It's not unlike New Zealand having the opportunity to show its tits throughout the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You see humans and the Earth aren't that different from one another:

Grass = Skin
Mountains = Boobs or Butts
Hills = Chins
Roads = Scabs
Oceans = Tears
Magnetic Hill = The Brain
Lakes = Sweat
National Parks = The Whole Face
Volcanoes = Diarrhea
Rain Forest = Pubes
Plains = That guy Powder I think
Stonehenge = Tattoos

What does all this mean? It doesn't mean anything, except that the most perfect moment in life would be to lie with a hot chick in a valley with a lake which will give your Magnetic Hill the most intense Yin Yang you've ever felt, from your Rain Forest to your Hill.

Let's see... what else is in the news?


"It's been a deadly summer for Canada geese south of the border as hundreds have been wiped out in mass killings."

Mayor Beaver has assigned Detective Bear to the case, while Mrs. Frog and Sir Sparrow have set up a crisis centre on the west bank of Lazy Oak Pond. Lawyer Mouse has released a statement persecuting Wise Wolf, who hasn't been seen since the Pumpkin Dance last harvest. Other suspects include Farmer Nick.

"Scientists wielding a powerful supercomputer have cracked the mystery of which came first, the chicken or the egg. The short answer: the chicken."

The team now moves on to their next project which is to scientifically determine exactly how much time and money was wasted on the previous study.

OR

The long answer is also the chicken.

"Apple Inc is likely to announce a fix for the iPhone 4’s reception problems, rather than a recall, at a surprise press conference on the device on Friday, analysts said."

Mel Gibson

See you guys on the trails!

SOP SOME TEARS WITH RYE BREAD AND SERVE OVER WARM SPINACH

Like most shit in life, the recent heat wave has had its positives, negatives and so-so's. Pants have been put on national "do not sport" lists while radish farmers have become the country's newest millionaires. But at the end of the day, summer is about kids because popsicles are about kids and popsicles are about summer.

Since most kids don't have a water slide in their backyard, the majority have to look for wet fun elsewhere, which is where your local recreation centre comes in. The jewel of my community is the Coach Neck Del Martino Memorial Rec Centre, and I'd like to take you on a little tour!

Right outside the main entrance is a statue of the late coach that was erected last year thanks to the generous support of local businesses. Special shout outs to Nick's Barber Shop whose hair eating contest raised $25,000 dollars and made the next day's charity Barf Off a whole lot more interesting.

Just inside the entrance is the main foyer that was designed by Ms. Harver's 2nd grade class. The kids got to vote on the statues at the end of the hall and they chose Robert Pattinson and popular Toronto Maple Leafs defenseman, Tomas Kaberle. The floors are polished every hour by a robot named Gregory who wants nothing more than to be a professional angler. We don't treat him very well because quite frankly, he's not a real guy.

Oh, and there he is! The best administrator in town, Mike Moon. He keeps things running smooth and even fills the pool with a special water he makes in his garage. I asked him to pose next to his Rec Centre of the Millennium Award, but he just couldn't pry himself away from his work, which on this day was sending one email a minute to world cannonball champion Splash "The Human SkyDome" Jordan with hopes of him attending this year's regatta.

Here we have one of our fabulous outdoor pools, with all the modern amenities. Since we're an environmentally concious facility, the pool doubles as a racoon trap at night. Everything that's caught doesn't go to waste and is used in our kitchen's famous ragout sauce. Bathers are cautioned not to drink the water because it contains cobra venom which gives it that special shine.

That does it for part one of our tour. Parts two through sixty-eight can be found in our year book which is available via trade only. Things we need are -- cars, gold, maybe like, some personalized sweatshirts for the staff, a new dart board, a football field and a good lawyer. Thanks for your time and I'll see you in the pool!

IN THE OLD DAYS "HOTMAIL" WAS LETTERS WITH SWEAR WORDS

It's been a whole week since we last rapped and so much has changed!

- haircut
- sun tan
- new jacket
- new shirt (Pierre Cardin)
- bruised (broken?) toe
- dead George Steinbrenner
- Global Reality Channel premiers

In this new world I suggest we join hands and make peace by playing more board games, the most underrated form of entertainment, not only in the new world, but in last week's world where I had longer hair.

Speaking of board games... wait, hold on, that would be a great name for my snowboard jam fest next year. Written down. This year's Ice Marshall is none other than Batman, a local realtor who likes to be called Batman (real name is Doug I believe).

G20: The Board Game: Toronto Edition HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, right? Oh.

Speaking of board games, my friend Andy bought an old WWF (the wrestling federation, not the ape school) at a Valoo Village while we were in SARNIA on the weekend. Why did we go to the town that "Vacation Magazine" dubbed "not worth going to"? Because Liv lived there before living here to make a living living live with me. Her dad has a beachfront property and we Sea-Doo'd, tu-tubed, ate and then poo-pooed for four days straight (on and off).

We also saw shock rockers "RUSH" play at Sarnia's Bayfest. The highlight was observing local teens fighting and kissing while very drunk and stoned all set to favourites like "Tom Sawyer" and "Subdivisions".

Liv sits on her old man's Sea-Doo. OR "I see, then I do"?

When I got back to work yesterday I was more bummed than Ice-T's girl friend, the voluptuous Coco. To make matters worse, I was on my way to our writing attic when the police apprehended me for cruising through a red light on my bike. I tried to weasel my way out of a ticket by saying "I'm not gay, but you're all attractive and I think your work during G20 was pure ballet." It didn't work, but the guy ended up giving me a break and ticketing me for not having a light which will run me $35 opposed to the alleged $350 for showing the traffic light that I don't obey robots.

KNEE KNOB

The whole world is so hot right now that even those with bad butts are trading in their baggies for skin freeing bikinis and briefs. Doctors will tell you to "stay still and eat watermelon", but what if you can't sit still and consider watermelon the undisputed most overrated fruit of all time? Since I am one of those guys, I've come up with some cool tips to beat the heat. Some of them aren't real so use your better judgment.

1. Calm down!

Have you ever heard the term "hot head"? It means you get so pissed off at your chores that your body produces extra heat that spreads throughout your body and grows your finger and toe nails like crazy. Remember that man with the long nails who set records for nails? He lives in India, which is the hottest place in the world next to this really small attic in Texas, AND he hates his wife real bad, so he knew what he was doing. So if you're pissed off, just think of Christmas.

Here's the nails guy on an episode of "Grillin' with Bobby Flay"
during a US promotional tour

2. Wet your clothes

For some reason water likes to turn into steam. Don't ask me, ask whoever invented it. Anyway, when your body gets wet it steals your heat because it wants to get wild and you cool down in the process. So before leaving the house get your pants as wet as possible and let the water do the work. If this is too confusing just watch Star Wars Episode I, as Qui Gon Jin's explanation of the Force's "midichlorians" is basically him explaining what I just did but way stupider.

3. Use fire

Baseball players put extra weight on their bats in the on-deck circle so that when they actually step up to the plate, the bat feels as light as a model. Before you start your day get a little fire going and run on the spot until you're so hot that you smell your delicious skin start to roast. Feel free to grab a few nibbles before quickly extinguishing the fire and going about your day feeling as cool as a dude.

HONKY TONK TANK TOP

For the last, oh I don't know, 46 years, I've been having this recurring dream where I'm in school and there's these two or three classes that I never go to and the dream always involves me worrying that I'm too far behind. Finally, last night, amongst dreams of unsuccessfully making small talk with John Cusack, I think I may have reached the conclusion of the school saga.

In last night's episode the school year was almost ending and I again realized that I hadn't been to these few classes since the beginning of the year, only this time I loosened up and said to myself "who cares? I don't need a science credit! My career can still prosper". Hopefully this is a sign that in real life I WILL meet John Cusack and that I'll finally be able to accept that I never graduated high school. April fools, not only did I graduate but I did so with a 79 average. I feel like 79 is pretty much my average in all of life. The problem with those who ended up getting high grades like nutty nines, is that they scored very low in "skipping school and eating bagels", meaning they haven't really lived.

The other night I wanted a bowl of cereal, but not a whole bowl so I just filled my mouth with Corn Pops and then drank some milk. I felt so good about this afterward that I thought to myself, "this is something I may teach my kids".

I haven't been writing in this window much lately because I've been too wound up in beach parties and pineapple socials. It all sounds glamorous, but the reality is that for some people, managing high season fun can be difficult. Take me for example (obviously):

Age: 28
Sex: Male. yes please! Austin Powers 1
Hair: Brown and thin
Head: child 8-12

Analyze the data with a cold drink and hang out.


Don't worry if you didn't get it, who cares if you're stupid. Anyway, the problem for me is that I pretty much need to wear a hat in the sun or else my scalp with get scorched. I have enough hair that I can't sunscreen my head or else my hair will get greasy and I can't have that because I'm a Soc through and through. What about my perfect eyes? I'd like to protect them with glasses, but since I always have to wear a hat and since my head is so small, it's hard to fit so many things in such a tiny surface. I can make it work, but it's kind of uncomfortable and by the time I get it all on, the only pieces of face I get to show off is a bit of cheek and my mouth, which is my WORST feature!

My cousin used to always say, "a picture is worth a thousand dollars" so the Canada Day weekend is best summed up with this photo of my friend taken by my friend (and friend's girlfriend), Rachael at the place where us friends got together to eat and stay: