GRAVITY'S ONLY ENEMY SO FAR IS JUMPING SO IT'S JUST FINE

Technology has given humans a lot in the last decade: hybrid cars, celebrity chefs, and instanter coffee to name a few. But what most people love about technology is the amount of information we're all suddenly privy to, which has bred a whole new generation of Smart Alecs, Know-It-Alls and Transformers. It would literally take infinity years to take in all the information out there, which is why a modern man like myself has to be very selective as to which stories to follow and which to shun like that peach I left on my desk that has dark spots now and now I won't eat it because I like my fruit pristine.

Here are some hot news items that I haven't been following at all despite their prominence on front pages over the last little while. Yes, for sure man, I should've followed some of them, but I prefer reading about celebrities and their sex lives, so until Omar Khadr starts dating Miley Cyrus, I'm probably not going to change. Here are some stories I keep seeing but know next to nothing about:

OMAR KHADR

Well ladies? Hot or not?

It seems like this story has been around as long as terrorism was invented 9 years ago.

What I think I know:

• this guy and some of his buds wanted to blow something up, but they got caught
• he's at Guantanamo Bay, which isn't a nice Cuban restaurant, but rather a correctional facility that may or may not serve Cuban cuisine
• he's about to be sentenced I think
• his brother just found that the Canadian government won't send him to the United States to be punished, probably because we like to keep our most talented, whether they be Sarah Polleys or master exploders

What I don't know:

• What did this guy want to explode? I could've sworn it was the CN Tower and some other Toronto landmarks, but seriously, who does this guy think he is, the cast of Canadian Bacon?
• He's Canadian right?
• Why is this story taking so long to be over?
• How bad of a dude is this guy?

The Facts:

Luckily, our enemy Omar is a "hot topic" on the Toronto Star website, and there's this nice little summary:

"Canadian Omar Khadr was arrested in 2002 at age 15 after a gunfight in Afghanistan and charged in the death of U.S. soldier. The Supreme Court of Canada ruled Jan. 29, 2010, that Khadr's Charter rights were violated at the U.S. detention centre at Guantanamo Bay, but refused to order Ottawa to repatriate him. He faces trial by U.S. military commission for murder."

I think I was confusing him with that group of guys who wanted to blow up the CN Tower. Not John Candy and co. but the guys from Brampton maybe? There's another story that I don't know butt about. Oh well, no one cares about that one anymore. NEXT

NAOMI CAMPBELL DIAMOND THING

"Hey dad, I don't mean to interrupt, but are we seriously out of Fruit Roll Ups?"

What I think I know:

• Naomi Campbell has been called to testify against some guy because she owns a diamond of some sort.
• As always, Mia Farrow is involved somehow. If she's not whining about adopted kids marrying her husband, she's butting her nose into the lives of supermodels.
  

What I don't know:

• What the hell?
• I seriously don't understand this one.
• I should read more about it at this point, but it's funnier to get tidbits here and there.

The Facts:

From reading Ms. Campbell's Wikipedia page, I've ascertained that her and Mia Farrow were at rich man and possible shoe guru, Charles Taylor's house (not the shoe guru) . The Chuckster gave her a big dirty diamond, probably because diamonds are a girl's best friend, and when girls have their friends around they're more comfortable and therefore more likely to have sex with a diamond man. So this guy is in trouble and Campbell and the former Mrs. Woodrow Allen were forced to testify because the diamonds were the bad kind.

See? This story isn't nearly as interesting as it should've been and now it's not funny anymore I don't think. I'd like to hear more about what happened at the dinner party. I picture it like the opening scene from the first Mission Impossible movie.

TORONTO MAYORAL RACE

Guy on left - "Hey Robby, the chef wants to serve you salad"

What I think I know:

• There's a huge guy named Rob Ford who seems to be winning, but liberal media types hate him because he doesn't like gay marriage. General impressions from yours (truly) can be found here.
• If he were a jolly fat man, I'd vote for him in a snap
  
• The election is in the fall?

What I don't know:

• Is the election in the fall?
• Are there any candidates I would like?
• Why do so many people support a lying, evil man?
• Has anyone burned this guy because he shares a name with a known coward from not only history, but a major motion picture? "The Supplanting of Mayor David Miller by the Coward Robert Ford"

The Facts

Though I'm not 100% certain, I'm pretty sure that I have this one right. There are probably a bunch of hot button issues, but I don't feel like researching all of them. As long as one of the candidates promises no more garbage strikes and makes it so that I don't have to pay a lot of money for things, I'm happy.

I hope this doesn't leave you with the impression that I'm an ignorant gossip hound who doesn't care about the world. I am in fact very worldly and pride myself on vast general knowledge. I once even tried to read "A Brief History of Time". Right now I'm reading George R.R. Martin's epic fantasy series "A Song of Fire and Ice", which will be the subject of a future discussion.

STOP DROP AND CHEW

Time for a Pup-date!

Little Spiro got into the corn again and after a scolding from his owner, Barry, Spiro said "I'M SOWY BAYWY" and all was forgiven until Spiro got caught eating belts five minutes later. Barry had no choice but to trade Spiro for those baseball cards he always wanted and the card shop finally got a mascot worthy of replacing the now retired "Big Jerk".

Time for an update!

I went to the Scottage on the weekend for some meat and lake. If you ever find yourself at the Scottage, here's what you need to do to have a cool time:

Once you get there, put on Tarzan Boy and take off your shirt because Tarzan Boy never even wore a shirt.





Old guys and mayors always say "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" and in the morning we felt like flattering Christopher Wallace so we imitated his favourite meal: T-Bone Steak, Cheese, Eggs and Welch's Grape at the inaugural hip hop brunch. In an effort to stop the violence within the hip hop community, we also gave a nod to Tupac Shakur by mixing up the drink he invented, Thug Passion. Unfortunately, we're smart enough not to waste our wages on Cristal, so we used Spumante Bambino instead, which kind of sounds like it could be a Wu Tang song.

"Thug Passion"
(feat. Dramacydal, Storm, Jewell)

[Intro: 2Pac]

Aight, new drink
one part alize one part Cristal
Thugs Passion baby
y'all know what time it is

As you're waiting for the sun to come up, you might as well shoot promo pics for the sitcom you're producing. In this case we brought over the cast of "Ay Ay Captain?" and had celebrity photographer Will.I.Am come by. You'll be seeing the above image in next week's People.

Then you get into a big tube with four other half naked dudes and let the afternoon melt away, while the ladies sit ashore and get horny beyond words.

When night falls, you're probably going to want to party like this. Here's the Jersey Shore's The Situation, J-Wow and Flappy fist pumping a song they like.

Teamwork wins championships. In this case we enlisted the help of party legend Scott Butler, who is pictured above ready to cook a bacon explosion for the whole squad.



Next time I'll tell you the best place to barf at the zoo and what to do if you find yourself on the set of a major motion picture starring Nancy Travis.

NOODLES OF HEAPS

THURSDAY NIGHT POT POURRI

This week's smells are hibiscus, ginger, blankets from the trunk and as always, a little bit of book

Every time I grab a cup of pudding and sit down to write about all things terrific, all I can think about is heat, summer and bikinis, have you noticed? Yesterday I tried to put together a poetry jam but this is as far as I got:

My chest hair is perfect, it's better than yours

That was no joke, I really do think I have some A1 chest hair, but I spend most of my hair thoughts on the head and face, which means my beautiful mind didn't have enough material for a real fist shaker of a poem.

The pride of Brazil, Street Fighter II's Blanka, has some of the best chest hair in pop culture.

NOTES ON GETTING OLD

In a way this ties into chest hair because chest hair is the tree rings of humanity -- you can tell how old a man is, or how old and old woman is by just checking out their patch. I think that's one reason my chest hair is so damn top knot, as it makes me look like a perfect young man rather than a quasi-questionable dude on the cusp of responsibility. Anyway, it's a strange feeling reading old stuff I wrote now because "back in the old days" doesn't necessary refer to a time when I was a kid. This means that when I read something embarrassing or just totally specrapular (gonna regret that one) I can't use the excuse -- "who cares, my brain was young and unripe". Sure, most of us get better as we get older (except athletes and Jennifer Aniston) but I still hate the feeling that at some point I was a guy that I wouldn't like.

Luckily, I've been growing up just fine lately. In fact, I just started a new business - an Internet dating site for girls who like real men.

In real news, I've just signed on to be the IDENTITY MANAGER for comedy/art duo "Life of a Craphead". In the coming months I'll be promoting the shit out them so get ready to be bombarded by the coolest news on the coolest nudes in town. www.lifeofacraphead.com.

That's all I have to say on anything for now except for this quick tip: You can't spell "Mold" without "Old". I attach a stopwatch to every piece of food I buy and if it goes past 34 hours, I throw it out or turn it into art. You can buy stopwatches at the Nike store.

MOTHER LOAD OF HINTS

DON'T FORGET, IT'S SUMMER

Eat the freshest fruit and throw away the core because the animals need a gourmet vacation too

Don't bug your mom about the money she owes you, she needs a new swimsuit and the ones she likes aren't exactly cheap

Sailing is expensive; just ride your bike to the pool, same thing man

Books? Sure, as long as they're read through the lenses of your favourite sunglasses, or read to you by your summer crush, Kelly

Winter corn? You might as well be eating old phone books. Summer corn? You might as well be eating the annual United Nations Outdoor Picnic and Flea Market with optional swimming and live entertainment from a band that sounds like your favourite.

Don't bother going to Toys R Us, summer garbage is highly playable

Grass - free carpets that grow in a very nice shade of green, one of the most popular colours I can think of.

HEY RED BARON, EAT CLOUDS!

I've been very busy lately tending to my pastures and watching the new Global Reality Channel, featuring some of your all-time faves - Survivor, Fear Factor, and even Snot Swap.

MID SUMMER REPORT CARD
The mind of a man created this

Is this even the middle of summer? What day is it? Who are you? I'm Glenn, a real guy from the well-planned roads of Toronto. This summer has been one hot mother fucker. My now deep black skin glistens like the Internet in January and I've eaten so many Creamsicles that Popsicle Pete is shaking in his frosty panties because he's scared he's going to run out I guess. The hot sun has drawn out a maximum amount of skin-baring babes like the cool round moon brings out werewolves and astro-dweebs. With that in mind, the summer already achieves an Eh Plus (OH CANADA, OUR HOME ON NATIVE LAND).

Maybe an A+ is a bit overboard, because I haven't played nearly as much tennis as I had planned to and I still think I should lay in grassy fields more. Also, I haven't been berry pickin' once! My mom used to take us all the time, but now that I'm an urban cosmopolitan yuppie type, I generally turn my nose up at leaving the confides of downtown to go bend over in the mud for a few hours. Just joking, I simply haven't the desire.



I think this rules?

What can we expect to see in Q2 summer 2010?

A new style of lady bathing wear that combines the sleek lines of a one-piece, with added flippers, a built in hood with goggle, and a thonged buttock.

LeBron James will take his talents to the Culinary Institute of America where he'll do some lovely things with tomatoes

Kids addicted to video games will finally go outside and get way into swings.

Waterworld

S'mores will replace roast beef on Sundays

This entry took me so damn long. My favourite part is the link to Tom Morello. What's yours this time?

GLENN
"Summer of 69s"

HECTIC RECTUMS

FILM REVIEW

Christopher Nolan's INCEPTION

Starring Leonardo DiCaprio

Spoilers Ahead

INCEPTION. Where to start? Here we have a film helmed by the same man who had the audacity to tell Batman what to do on TWO separate occasions. In this one he orders around the world's most famous Italian-American, Leonardo DiCaprio, who once again shows us that a River Phoenix haircut and a plot about a dead wife is what he's all about.

INCEPTION follows some snazzy dressers who fall asleep on a plane and then play serious games in each other's dreams. Leo, the most stylish of the bunch, is all topsy turvy because his wife keeps showing up in his dream games and doesn't once show him her "T-Balls". Him and his model friends, plus Ellen "Stephen" Page, are on a mission to make Cillian Murphy forget that his dead dad hates him so that Ken Watanabe's business doesn't go under. I don't remember/wasn't told what his business is, so let's go ahead and assume he manufactures hose.

Meanwhile, Leo faces murder charges back in his hometown of America, and Ken promises he'll have the charges pooed away if Leo can successfully brainwash Murphy without his clothed wife scaring him too bad. Watanabe must be one hell of a hose man to wield that kind of power. "Welcome to Ken's Hose - We hose the world (you know, that green kind of hose that everyone has)."

The Hollywood Machine

This movie is better than "A Nightmare on Elm Street", worse than the "Matrix", and better than "Willow", which my friends Andy and Greg claim is the best movie to judge other movies against.

PROS

- Even though the dream sequences in the movie don't look like my dreams (not enough surf boards and candy buffets), they were still done very well. Christopher Nolan wrote this guy himself, so one can only assume that the dreamscapes in the film are based on his own, meaning he dreams about upside down cities, James Bond snow fortresses and handsome men in suits with cool jobs.

JOES

- Learning the rules of dream-playing was like learning how to piss -- you have to learn it to better understand the world around you, but you'd rather just piss your pants. No, wait.... well it's kind of the same thing. Better than Willow.

I give this movie an "a-okay" and a "neat camerawork, Chris". I want Leo to do a comedy next because I think the public views him as a well-respected Principal type who always shows up to football games but never to the annual silly fashion show where there's always a nude or two. Did your school have those? Yeah, mine neither.

WATER TOWERS?

Before we pig out, I'd just like to promote our (the boys (my friends (the Polecats (not the weasel kind)))) show on Friday, the second GONG THE SHOW, a great show for anyone, even MILFs and lollygaggers.

Last night I went to a Courvoisier tasting event brought to you by the same viral marketing company that gave me a free Zune that I couldn't even use, and a Carlsberg party that fulfilled the age old desire of 'free beer' and 'branded crap' (we finally got rid of our four Carlsberg ice buckets last week). The idea is that I tell you guys about these products, you buy them and the economy chugs along on its golden rails, while Robin Hood sits in a dirty oak tree, picking his scabs all day.

This event was good because me and my friend Scott had a fair number of Courvoisier based drinks, and we hung out with some friends such as friend Alicia and her friend, who by association is now our friend. Afterwards we had pizza and told ghost stories, which is in my top 5 favourite things to do, just below "fishin'" and just above "babysitting rich kids". The event also featured a guy dressed as Napoleon on stilts, and some strange Dutch-Asian dancers who wiggled a bunch -- sounds like the latest Jerry Bruckheimer film?

So next time you're at the store buying cognac, why not choose COURVOISIER EXCLUSIF? It's brown, it's cognac, Napoleon maybe invented it, and I don't care what kind of cognac you drink.

FACE IT PETER, I STOLE YOUR WIFE

*

Vampires are such interesting guys that a mere interview with one spawned a book AND a major motion picture. I bet your favourite sports star wouldn't be able to pull something like that off. In an attempt to boost ratings around here, I tried to interview a vampire because they're good at it and because they're on top of the world right now thanks to a little franchise called Harry Potter.

Unfortunately, Vampires probably aren't real, and even if they were it's not like a know any. Instead I secured an entertaining discussion with the next closest thing -- my friend Danny who sucks. Do you get that? It's all about that word "sucks" taken in a different context.

Interview with Danny who sucks

D - Make this quick, I'm going to Canada's Wonderland today

WIDAHIA - Oh, okay, well that's a great place to start -- what's your favourite ride?

D - You see, this is what I've been talking about lately man, you're so out of it. No one goes there for the rides anymore. It's all about strolling around and lowering your shades when you see a hot girl. If she winks at you, you meet at Splash Works, she sits in your lap and you apply sunscreen to her. If shit is real, you grab a lemonade, spike it with Bacardi Spiced, chug it, and then have sex in a bathroom. Then you ditch her and do it again. Last time I went? Seven girls.

WIDAHIA - Why bother going to Wonderland to do that, why not just go to a club or a beach or something?

D - Why do I pop my collar? Why do I have a tattoo of my dog? Why does toast* taste better than bread? How do planes stay in the sky? Dude, a lot of questions don't have answers. You think too much. The trick is to realize something is cool and then just do it. Like my man Frank told me about this Wonderland shit and I didn't question it. First time I went I rode the Bat and I didn't get laid once. I asked Frank what was up and he told me the same thing I just told you about not going on rides. I just accepted it unlike you, and BAM SAM, I've honked more tits in three weeks than I have in my whole life.

WIDAHIA - You're a dick sometimes.

D - And who owns dicks? Men. And who owns the world? Men. No offense taken brother.

WIDAHIA - Okay, what do you want to talk about?

D - iPhones are pretty sick.

Danny took out his iPhone and showed me his apps. Surprisingly, his favourite is a simple recipe finder.

WIDAHIA - That's pretty neat, I don't have an iPhone, but I love to cook, so this one would be great for me.

D - This thing is hilarious. Look -- "Spotted Dick" (laughs very hard), check this one -- "Dill Weed", and my favourite "Pork Butt". This is probably the funniest app I have. Have you seen the "Fart Dogs" app?

THE END

Maybe I should've just done an interview with a vampire. I was going to at first. I should've spun that ending, but it's one of those days where Monday feels like it does in the movies.

That's it for today. I just finished a bag of Hickory Sticks in like, five minutes and my body feels strange. Will root beer solve the problem? Find out tomorrow on Dateline NBC, where I'll talk about today's events and address the whole situation with that baby lion I found in the toilet.

DIG A HOLE, PUT SOMETHING SILLY IN IT, COVER IT AND SCATTER CLUES

Holy fruit, 7 of my 451 recorded friends have birthdays today. If my math is correct, that means their parents had sex around Remembrance Day, the lustiest day of the year next to Saturday. So big birthday "whoop whoops" to Jon, Ashley, Ginger, Levi, Mike, Gary and Laura.

Before I went shopping this morning to buy each one of the birthday friends **SPOILER ALERT** a cute little cactus, I sat down with my birds and read the paper. Yesterday I made fun of the news, because that's what my heart told me to do, but today I think I'll take a more scientific approach and analyze it.

First, there's this story about a little town whose annual turtle race was canceled because some people heard about it and got really pizzed. To those people I say -- wipe a butt! I could understand being mad at a turtle hunt or turtle baseball, but to chastise a small town for getting some shells together for a race, then returning them to what's probably a very cute little river, is just plain shitty. "One Burlington man called the race an “odious and despicable game” and Ailsa Craig a “poorly educated backwoods community.” I call that one Burlington man "stupid and old". He should mind his business and go back to watering his suburban driveway.

Then there was an article on Rob Ford, a big man who wants to be Mayor of Toronto. When I saw this picture of him, I thought I was looking at a villain in the next Batman film:

It's like he's running for mayor, but really he's just a puppet of the Joker and once he wins the election, and is sitting in a hot tub full of ladies smoking a cigar, the Joker comes in and kills him. Look at the button! That's a prop!

He looks a lot like the Rush Limbaugh character on the Simpsons, "Birch Barlow":

Have a good weekend, readers of the screen, have fun, stay cool and make your own granola to save money.

MAKE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BREAK YOURSELF (YOU HAVE TO)

Yesterday I was riding my bike across Queen St. here in Toronto and I swear, 85% of girls I passed were hot babes. I feel bad for the other 15% because it's not like they were trolls or anything, they just had big time competition.

Summer is season of skin and those who think their skin, valleys, peaks and nose are top of the pops want to show it off. It's not unlike New Zealand having the opportunity to show its tits throughout the Lord of the Rings trilogy. You see humans and the Earth aren't that different from one another:

Grass = Skin
Mountains = Boobs or Butts
Hills = Chins
Roads = Scabs
Oceans = Tears
Magnetic Hill = The Brain
Lakes = Sweat
National Parks = The Whole Face
Volcanoes = Diarrhea
Rain Forest = Pubes
Plains = That guy Powder I think
Stonehenge = Tattoos

What does all this mean? It doesn't mean anything, except that the most perfect moment in life would be to lie with a hot chick in a valley with a lake which will give your Magnetic Hill the most intense Yin Yang you've ever felt, from your Rain Forest to your Hill.

Let's see... what else is in the news?


"It's been a deadly summer for Canada geese south of the border as hundreds have been wiped out in mass killings."

Mayor Beaver has assigned Detective Bear to the case, while Mrs. Frog and Sir Sparrow have set up a crisis centre on the west bank of Lazy Oak Pond. Lawyer Mouse has released a statement persecuting Wise Wolf, who hasn't been seen since the Pumpkin Dance last harvest. Other suspects include Farmer Nick.

"Scientists wielding a powerful supercomputer have cracked the mystery of which came first, the chicken or the egg. The short answer: the chicken."

The team now moves on to their next project which is to scientifically determine exactly how much time and money was wasted on the previous study.

OR

The long answer is also the chicken.

"Apple Inc is likely to announce a fix for the iPhone 4’s reception problems, rather than a recall, at a surprise press conference on the device on Friday, analysts said."

Mel Gibson

See you guys on the trails!