Travel week continues today, with a special feature called "My Favourite Places I've Never Been". I hope you enjoyed yesterday's interview with animal expert and world traveler Jack Hannah, who revealed he will NOT be appearing in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, as originally reported by People magazine. Travel week continues tomorrow with the Summer Cottage Special with do it yourself renovation tips from former Toronto Blue Jay and current boat owner, Rob Ducey, as well as some wholesome cottage recipes courtesy of the Ontario Meatball League.
My Favourite Places I've Never Been
In theory I love to travel. It's always been my philosophy that if we're limited to stay on planet Earth at this point in human history thanks to a lack of civilian space travel, we might as well enjoy every inch of it. But when I travel I usually get stressed and don't end up enjoying the trip to its fullest extent. Don't cry for me. That being said, there are areas of Earth that I think I'd really enjoy, and most of them are fairly obvious because I'm no Carmen Sandiago when it comes to geography.
Australia
No duh. Even though this place is home to some of the wildest beasts, hottest weather and worst sports, most people would agree it's a #1 vacation destination thanks to its colourful population, pristine beaches, total babes and funny accents. Australians are like a mix between Californians, Canadians and Brits, which are my three of my favourites so I'm willing to bet I'd have a good time. I think the only way I'd be able to go to is if I got on one of those planes where the seats can be beds because a 17 hour flight is too long and I have big time trouble sleeping in tin birds.
Egypt
It must have been my dad who instilled a wonderment with history inside my brain. One of my favourite parts of a trip is exploring the history of the area, visiting famous spots and feeling awesome. That's why I want to go to Egypt, which is a place that was once ruled by cat worshipping magical kings and a hot babe and by night was haunted by real mummies. The Pyramids are like Stonehenge combined with the CN Tower and they still look pretty good unlike the shitty Coliseum of Rome. The only thing about Egypt is that all I really want to see is the Sphinx, the Pyramids and the Nile, so I'll have to read up on its restaurant and club scene to make sure it's up to snuff before I commit.
Japan
Two of my cousins once went to Japan and assured me that it's everything you'd hope it would be - totally weird and totall awesome. My uncle used to go all the time for work and he'd bring back strange things like video phones and video games about farting. I can get down like that. It also seems to be the most Western friendly of all East Asian nations, which for a guy who likes adventure, but not a whole lot of adventure, is a good thing.
Honourable mention goes to Italy, Africa and Thailand.
Before I go to any of these places I figure I should see all of Canada first, because it's my home and native land. Then again, once you've seen Windsor, you've seen it all!
May 14, 2009
May 13, 2009
I HOPE THIS DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND IT SELLS PAPERS
HOT TOPIC
Tamils! These guys have been real mad lately because of the civil war going on in Sri Lanka I think. They've been trying to persuade the Canadian government to talk turkey with the world and try to stop this thing, but it's been a rough ride. Like most citizens of Toronto, I was pissed when they blocked the highway, but remain sympathetic, and after hearing some of them talk on TV it seems they don't care what the public thinks of them, they just want results. FAIR BALL TAMILS.
Despite my sympathy I still feel like they shouldn't have risked lives with that blockade. There are other ways to protest, albeit more boring ways, which is why the Canadian Government asked myself and other prominent citizens (Doug Gilmour, Mitsou, the guy who plays drums at SkyDome, Mel Lastman's fat son, Rod Black and Jim Carrey) to form a task force to generate some alternative protest ideas that we can hand over to the Tamils. After a long night, 6 boxes of Lucky Charms, a case of Vernor's and a viewing of the first three Meatballs films, here's what we came up with:
1) High Pitched Squealing - Remember that scene in Summer School when Mr. Shoop quits and the principle comes in and they all start humming? The Tamils should do this, but on a bigger scale and in a higher register. They could also play that part of "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" over and over again a la this guy I heard about on Howard Stern once. He hated his neighbours and played the "do do do do do, do do do do do do" part on repeat when he went away and it drove them nuts.
2) Get nude - I can't think of too many things that would make people as unreasonably upset as a naked parade. Yeah, it's kind of taboo, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. It would get people's attention and no one would get hurt, unless Tamil men have dick lasers, which I'm pretty sure they don't.
3) Celebrity support - Celebrities can make people buy or do anything. Instead of appealing to the Canadian government, talk to Bono, Brad Pitt or Jay-Z because they seem to be able to grab people's attention better than any world leader.
Here's something funny - comedian Aziz Ansari is Tamil and instead of protesting against Sri Lanka, he's been spending his time protesting against IMAX because they gypped him five bucks and it's been getting mad coverage all over the place. There's irony or something in there somewhere.
That's all we came up with. We didn't get much done because Rod Black wouldn't shut up about his lawn and Dougie got up every two minutes to "piss like crazy".
I've got tickets to the symphony tonight, so I'm outta here. Kim Mitchell will be playing Flight of The Bumblebee on guitar. EXCITED!!!
Tamils! These guys have been real mad lately because of the civil war going on in Sri Lanka I think. They've been trying to persuade the Canadian government to talk turkey with the world and try to stop this thing, but it's been a rough ride. Like most citizens of Toronto, I was pissed when they blocked the highway, but remain sympathetic, and after hearing some of them talk on TV it seems they don't care what the public thinks of them, they just want results. FAIR BALL TAMILS.
Despite my sympathy I still feel like they shouldn't have risked lives with that blockade. There are other ways to protest, albeit more boring ways, which is why the Canadian Government asked myself and other prominent citizens (Doug Gilmour, Mitsou, the guy who plays drums at SkyDome, Mel Lastman's fat son, Rod Black and Jim Carrey) to form a task force to generate some alternative protest ideas that we can hand over to the Tamils. After a long night, 6 boxes of Lucky Charms, a case of Vernor's and a viewing of the first three Meatballs films, here's what we came up with:
1) High Pitched Squealing - Remember that scene in Summer School when Mr. Shoop quits and the principle comes in and they all start humming? The Tamils should do this, but on a bigger scale and in a higher register. They could also play that part of "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" over and over again a la this guy I heard about on Howard Stern once. He hated his neighbours and played the "do do do do do, do do do do do do" part on repeat when he went away and it drove them nuts.
2) Get nude - I can't think of too many things that would make people as unreasonably upset as a naked parade. Yeah, it's kind of taboo, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. It would get people's attention and no one would get hurt, unless Tamil men have dick lasers, which I'm pretty sure they don't.
3) Celebrity support - Celebrities can make people buy or do anything. Instead of appealing to the Canadian government, talk to Bono, Brad Pitt or Jay-Z because they seem to be able to grab people's attention better than any world leader.
Here's something funny - comedian Aziz Ansari is Tamil and instead of protesting against Sri Lanka, he's been spending his time protesting against IMAX because they gypped him five bucks and it's been getting mad coverage all over the place. There's irony or something in there somewhere.
That's all we came up with. We didn't get much done because Rod Black wouldn't shut up about his lawn and Dougie got up every two minutes to "piss like crazy".
I've got tickets to the symphony tonight, so I'm outta here. Kim Mitchell will be playing Flight of The Bumblebee on guitar. EXCITED!!!
May 12, 2009
MY TOWEL HAS A PICTURE OF A HAMSTER ON IT AND THE HAMSTER HAS A TOWEL WITH REGULAR STRIPES
That up there is one of those things that shows words I use on this blog and the bigger they are the more I use them. I feel like it only checked words on the main page and didn't delve into the archives because I don't think I mention "Oprah" all that often. I must have mentioned "farts" way more than "Oprah" but maybe I haven't lately because I haven't been farting as much.That's a bald faced fib. It's spring time! I've got the spring stink! It's this time of year that farts smell of garbage mixed with roses and a hint of Gatorade because you've been so active. That's just simple science, nothing more.
MEMORY OF THE MONTH
One day I mentioned how I worked at a grocery store when I was 16. What was I like when I was 16? I don't really know. I was fairly shy, I had messy hair, I was skinny and kind of a dweeb but I could be funny and I knew how to play sports, the kind of currency that buys one a level of popularity slightly above medium.
One day this Russian guy came into the store and he asked me: "Do you have any peeot a go?" I'm really bad with accents and of all my senses, I think 'hearing' is probably the weakest of the gang.
They'd probably go: Sight, touch, taste, smell, ears. I don't have a sixth sense, though I once felt the presence of a ghost at grandma's house when a metronome went off by itself. Ghost musician. Spook notes.
Anyway, I asked this Russian guy to clarify and again I was met with "peeot a go". It got to a point where I was too embarrassed to ask him again so I pretended I knew what he was talking about and led him around the store hoping he'd see whatever "peeot a go" was. I kind of thought he might've said "Powdered Milk" so I took him to the baking aisle. No luck. Finally, I brought him to a customer service person and told him to ask her. He said it again and she understood immediately that what he was looking for was "Pot of Gold" brand chocolates.
That's the story. Interestingly, the movie "Career Opportunities" is loosely based on my experiences working in that store. I'm the Jennifer Connelly character.
Until the NHL playoffs are over, the content around here may suffer because my mind is on the Stanley Cup. Don't worry though, after it's all said and done, this blog contain the most comprehensive summertime fun guide you ever saw. I haven't figured out exactly what that means yet, but much like that part in "Flight of the Navigator" when the brother has to guide the kid and the alien back to Florida, "you'll know it when you see it". POOPSTER
May 11, 2009
OH BOY YOUR PANTS ARE CLEAR
On Saturday after it rained and the sun said "HIIII BAABBBBY" I decided I'd better go outside and do something, so I got up and went to buy new speakers. I walked to National Sound on Queen St which is pretty far but not the farthest and found a pair that I liked for a price that I liked and figured I could carry one under each arm back to my stationary non-commercial dwelling. Like clear cola, this was bad idea.
First, my arms got real tired, real fast. I managed to get to Spadina before I took a rest and things were going rough. When I got to the Lush/Ultra Supper Club area I decided I'd try a new carrying technique, which was to stack them and carry them in both hands, get it?? This was working okay, but it proved awkward and the space between the two speakers kept pinching my forearms. Now I have these strange scrapes/bruises that look as if my parents got divorced which led me to put on some Matthew Good and then start cutting myself in angst.
I finally got to the girls in the brothel and for the next few hours I couldn't lift my arms because I'm so weak and the speakers were heavy and took my arms to the limit. I even had trouble buttoning a shirt. I also have a bruise on my hip and the strange markings on my forearms. I did it for rock n roll and summer time good times.
That's all I'm going to tell you for now. Here are some quick facts:
- I didn't see Star Trek
- Sports are very important to me right now
- Mother's Day was highlighted by seeing my mom and eating pork prepared by master chef, my dad
Let's start the week off right. Tie your shoes tight and add extra pickles to your lunch time meal. Pickles are smiles on a baby cat.
First, my arms got real tired, real fast. I managed to get to Spadina before I took a rest and things were going rough. When I got to the Lush/Ultra Supper Club area I decided I'd try a new carrying technique, which was to stack them and carry them in both hands, get it?? This was working okay, but it proved awkward and the space between the two speakers kept pinching my forearms. Now I have these strange scrapes/bruises that look as if my parents got divorced which led me to put on some Matthew Good and then start cutting myself in angst.
I finally got to the girls in the brothel and for the next few hours I couldn't lift my arms because I'm so weak and the speakers were heavy and took my arms to the limit. I even had trouble buttoning a shirt. I also have a bruise on my hip and the strange markings on my forearms. I did it for rock n roll and summer time good times.
That's all I'm going to tell you for now. Here are some quick facts:
- I didn't see Star Trek
- Sports are very important to me right now
- Mother's Day was highlighted by seeing my mom and eating pork prepared by master chef, my dad
Let's start the week off right. Tie your shoes tight and add extra pickles to your lunch time meal. Pickles are smiles on a baby cat.
May 8, 2009
I HAVE TO ADMIT, I JUST LOVE SCREAMING AT BIRDS
This week hasn't been the best. If not for the NHL and their playoffs I'd be in a downright stink. But don't worry friends, Friday brings dreams of sunshine, meals prepared by workers at restaurants just for you and cold drinks that alter your brain. And for all the ladies out there who have had sex resulting in human baby, it's your special day on Sunday! Lots to look forward to. Since my mom's birthday is a week after Mother's Day I don't usually go crazy beans with presents and usually give mother something small and/or funny.
One year my friend Jon thought it'd be a good idea for us all to paint self portraits of ourselves to give to our mom bombs. Here's mine:
I think it's one of the best things I've ever drawn. Another year I made a glossy 8x10 photo of myself and autographed it, and I wish I could show it to you but my mom keeps it at work and I didn't get a chance to scan it. I've given you some good ideas, now get up off that bean bag chair, turn off that Laserdisc and go get some damn supplies.
Seriously though, at least make your mom a card. Not only is it thoughtful, but it's also a big "EAT FARTS" to the greeting card companies who prey on the love we have toward the girls that birthed us. Trust me, your mom will like it way better and she'll probably keep it unless you mess it up and it sucks. If you're having trouble coming up with material, here are some quick messages you can use:
Roses are red, rice is from China, I wouldn't be here without your vagina
Mom - I'm old enough now that I could beat you up no problem, but of course I never would!
Mom - Our love is strictly emotional, but damn you look good
You raised me, fed me and nurtured me. All I can give in return is my love and a promise I'll give you the best damn funeral when you die.
All you have to so is add in a picture of a heart or a small woodland creature and you've got yourself a card. Ding Dong. The doorbell! Let's see who's there...
Oh it's a mom!
One year my friend Jon thought it'd be a good idea for us all to paint self portraits of ourselves to give to our mom bombs. Here's mine:
I think it's one of the best things I've ever drawn. Another year I made a glossy 8x10 photo of myself and autographed it, and I wish I could show it to you but my mom keeps it at work and I didn't get a chance to scan it. I've given you some good ideas, now get up off that bean bag chair, turn off that Laserdisc and go get some damn supplies.Seriously though, at least make your mom a card. Not only is it thoughtful, but it's also a big "EAT FARTS" to the greeting card companies who prey on the love we have toward the girls that birthed us. Trust me, your mom will like it way better and she'll probably keep it unless you mess it up and it sucks. If you're having trouble coming up with material, here are some quick messages you can use:
Roses are red, rice is from China, I wouldn't be here without your vagina
Mom - I'm old enough now that I could beat you up no problem, but of course I never would!
Mom - Our love is strictly emotional, but damn you look good
You raised me, fed me and nurtured me. All I can give in return is my love and a promise I'll give you the best damn funeral when you die.
All you have to so is add in a picture of a heart or a small woodland creature and you've got yourself a card. Ding Dong. The doorbell! Let's see who's there...
Oh it's a mom!
May 7, 2009
THIS GAME IS INTO OVERTIME SO I NEED SOME MORE OF THAT DELICIOUS CELERY ROOT
When the Internet was younger than it is today, me and my high school pals used to go to seanbaby.com for cyber laughs. The Seanbaby introduced us all to this site, www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com, which I think was way ahead of its time, and still totally rules to this day. So next time your plant dies or you can't find your Swatch and you feel so upset you can't even poo straight, go to those sites and everything will be forgotten.
Oprah is giving away free KFC to everyone in America. That's pretty cool of Oprah and everything, and she does some pretty good things for people, but there's always something slightly sinister lurking behind every one of her good deeds it seems. She gave away all those cars that one time, but then all the ladies realized they had to pay taxes and insurance and stuff so it was like "oooooooooooooooo??". Then she got all passionate about cows and how they shouldn't be eaten I think, which is cool, but then all the Texas beef men were like, "beef feeds my kids, literally and figuratively" and people got confused because Oprah is supposed to be a modern day lady Jesus. All that information is purely based on memory, so it might be all wrong.
But anyway, giving away KFC is cool I guess, but first of all it screams "PROMOTION!" because the chicken they're giving away is a new KFC product called "Grilled Chicken". Instead of blowing millions on advertising, they just figured they'd give away a bunch and to make it look even better they got Oprah to pretend she was buying it for everyone. Even if she did pay for it all, wouldn't that money be better spent giving chicken to third world countries or something? Or clean water for that matter? Or hats? Or goats?
In conclusion, Oprah is overall a good lady, but she's no Colonel Sanders. When he died he gave all his money away. He also once said "I don't believe in bad weather, just different kinds of good weather". SICK. Seriously, if you ever get an opportunity to watch a biography on the Colonel, do so. I guess you could just read about him on Wikipedia, but I feel like that won't be as good. Watch the A&E biography of Andre the Giant too. It's one of the best films of all time.
That chick coming out of the water at the beginning of that ad is the best. If I were the guys in the boat I would've smacked her with an ore and got out of there. What the heck is she doing down there, diving for jewels?
Oprah is giving away free KFC to everyone in America. That's pretty cool of Oprah and everything, and she does some pretty good things for people, but there's always something slightly sinister lurking behind every one of her good deeds it seems. She gave away all those cars that one time, but then all the ladies realized they had to pay taxes and insurance and stuff so it was like "oooooooooooooooo??". Then she got all passionate about cows and how they shouldn't be eaten I think, which is cool, but then all the Texas beef men were like, "beef feeds my kids, literally and figuratively" and people got confused because Oprah is supposed to be a modern day lady Jesus. All that information is purely based on memory, so it might be all wrong.
But anyway, giving away KFC is cool I guess, but first of all it screams "PROMOTION!" because the chicken they're giving away is a new KFC product called "Grilled Chicken". Instead of blowing millions on advertising, they just figured they'd give away a bunch and to make it look even better they got Oprah to pretend she was buying it for everyone. Even if she did pay for it all, wouldn't that money be better spent giving chicken to third world countries or something? Or clean water for that matter? Or hats? Or goats?
In conclusion, Oprah is overall a good lady, but she's no Colonel Sanders. When he died he gave all his money away. He also once said "I don't believe in bad weather, just different kinds of good weather". SICK. Seriously, if you ever get an opportunity to watch a biography on the Colonel, do so. I guess you could just read about him on Wikipedia, but I feel like that won't be as good. Watch the A&E biography of Andre the Giant too. It's one of the best films of all time.
That chick coming out of the water at the beginning of that ad is the best. If I were the guys in the boat I would've smacked her with an ore and got out of there. What the heck is she doing down there, diving for jewels?
May 6, 2009
THE QUOTA IS 13 HENS OR 10 ROOSTERS, YOUR CHOICE
Right now I'm at my house and it's 7:22 pm on Tuesday. I left work early because I barely slept last night after watching "Wall Street" and that sore throat I told you about has left its cocoon and turned into a beautiful cold. I don't get sick all that often but when I do I always eat apples, drink orange juice and make soup and it usually works pretty good, but how can you really tell? Colds don't have a defined shelf life, but since I don't ever fight humans, I figure I might as well fight colds.
Anyway, I'm not very motivated to write much in here right now, so here's something I've already written that you might find interesting. If not, check out the Internet Movie Database on the Internet. It's got so much stuff.
Speaking of movies, here's a thing I did last year called "Roger Ebert's Summer Blockbuster Reviews" at a Laugh Sabbath show here in Toronto where I played Roger Ebert and basically just read the following. The movies are from last year and if that bothers you, then you don't understand that time is just a concept man.
Summer Movie Blockbuster Reviews
Iron Man
This is a movie for all you rocket boys and rocket girls. Iron Man is a flying man from California, who makes a suit in Iraq. He’s handsome and rich, just like a prince from fairy tales of old and he loves fighting crime just like your town’s police guys. What does this all add up to? A whole lotta fun that both you and your teenager will really smile at. Are there boobs in it? No, but there’s a couple of babes.
Wall-E
The “geniuses” at Pixar make a cute movie with some bots. But I’m not going to start tickling their nuts quite yet. There’s a dirty little guy and a flying ipod who say each other's name for 2 hours while some fat guys sit around in the future. Have you seen Star Wars? It’s better.
Get Smart
Get Smart? Wet fart. Wet farts are exactly what I had after I ate a box of milk duds, a plastic tub with batman on it full of popcorn and three root beers throughout the film’s 110 minutes. Steve Carrel looks like a mole and if this movie was about a mole instead of a secret agent and if it took place in Atlantis or a volcano city with fire lions in it instead of America it would’ve probably been better. The Rock puts in a memorable performance.
Wanted
I eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner every damn night and you what? I don’t get sick of it. But if I had to watch Wanted every night I’d pour glue on my eyes and even if it didn’t glue my eyes shut, at least the chemicals would blind me or at least do a fair amount of damage. So yeah I didn’t like it, although the theatre I saw it at had cool bathrooms with great lighting and the option of paper towels or a hand dryer. The bathroom at work only has the hand dryer and those things take forever.
Sex and the City
This movie loses points out of the gate for not having a dragon in it. But let’s face it; people didn’t see this film for dragons but for four loose women who shop and complain all day long. My favourite loose goose of the four is the one that’s my age. You know, that blond one that has sex more than the other three chickies. I went to a Cubs game with Chris Noth in 1999. The only thing I remember is attempting to catch a foul ball and him yelling out “Timmmmmmmmbeerrrrr”. I punched him square in the nose then went to go see the Matrix again.
The Dark Knight
I’m putting this film in Roger Ebert’s hall of fame alongside hamburgers, waterslides, post intercourse cherry blasters, a solid game of basketball, the backside of a lady and a big old banana split. I was once at a party in L.A. and I saw Christian Bale making out with three chicks while eating a steak and the bar we were at wasn’t even a restaurant. At the end of the party he did a magic trick where all the walls disappeared. Then a Jet Plane picked him up. This film may not win an Oscar but it certainly won the boners of millions of fellas across the world.
Anyway, I'm not very motivated to write much in here right now, so here's something I've already written that you might find interesting. If not, check out the Internet Movie Database on the Internet. It's got so much stuff.
Speaking of movies, here's a thing I did last year called "Roger Ebert's Summer Blockbuster Reviews" at a Laugh Sabbath show here in Toronto where I played Roger Ebert and basically just read the following. The movies are from last year and if that bothers you, then you don't understand that time is just a concept man.
Summer Movie Blockbuster Reviews
Iron Man
This is a movie for all you rocket boys and rocket girls. Iron Man is a flying man from California, who makes a suit in Iraq. He’s handsome and rich, just like a prince from fairy tales of old and he loves fighting crime just like your town’s police guys. What does this all add up to? A whole lotta fun that both you and your teenager will really smile at. Are there boobs in it? No, but there’s a couple of babes.
Wall-E
The “geniuses” at Pixar make a cute movie with some bots. But I’m not going to start tickling their nuts quite yet. There’s a dirty little guy and a flying ipod who say each other's name for 2 hours while some fat guys sit around in the future. Have you seen Star Wars? It’s better.
Get Smart
Get Smart? Wet fart. Wet farts are exactly what I had after I ate a box of milk duds, a plastic tub with batman on it full of popcorn and three root beers throughout the film’s 110 minutes. Steve Carrel looks like a mole and if this movie was about a mole instead of a secret agent and if it took place in Atlantis or a volcano city with fire lions in it instead of America it would’ve probably been better. The Rock puts in a memorable performance.
Wanted
I eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner every damn night and you what? I don’t get sick of it. But if I had to watch Wanted every night I’d pour glue on my eyes and even if it didn’t glue my eyes shut, at least the chemicals would blind me or at least do a fair amount of damage. So yeah I didn’t like it, although the theatre I saw it at had cool bathrooms with great lighting and the option of paper towels or a hand dryer. The bathroom at work only has the hand dryer and those things take forever.
Sex and the City
This movie loses points out of the gate for not having a dragon in it. But let’s face it; people didn’t see this film for dragons but for four loose women who shop and complain all day long. My favourite loose goose of the four is the one that’s my age. You know, that blond one that has sex more than the other three chickies. I went to a Cubs game with Chris Noth in 1999. The only thing I remember is attempting to catch a foul ball and him yelling out “Timmmmmmmmbeerrrrr”. I punched him square in the nose then went to go see the Matrix again.
The Dark Knight
I’m putting this film in Roger Ebert’s hall of fame alongside hamburgers, waterslides, post intercourse cherry blasters, a solid game of basketball, the backside of a lady and a big old banana split. I was once at a party in L.A. and I saw Christian Bale making out with three chicks while eating a steak and the bar we were at wasn’t even a restaurant. At the end of the party he did a magic trick where all the walls disappeared. Then a Jet Plane picked him up. This film may not win an Oscar but it certainly won the boners of millions of fellas across the world.
May 5, 2009
TODAY I SAW A PURPLE DOG NAMED RUDOLPH (YEAH RIGHT)
I've got these stomach issues that prevent me from enjoying my favourite foods, but on weekends I usually let loose and throw caution to the wind, leading to much discomfort at the cost of deliciousness.
On Sunday I told my insides to shut up and strap in. For breakfast I had bacon, eggs, hash browns and pancakes, which isn't so bad. I'm a breakfast traditionalist and eggs are one of my favourite ways to eat an animal. They've actually won several 'Glennies' at my annual year end awards show that goes on inside my head. Other big winners at last year's ceremony, hosted by Kathy Ireland in an bikini in 1990 included Star Wars, nice days and funny things. I then drank coffee as I was waiting for my laundry and coffee is high on the foods to avoid list that my doctor gave me awhile ago hence my dangerous intake of substances I shouldn't consume began.
Come dinner time I told Liv to "eat shit, I'm getting Indian food", which made my taste buds go "show me your tits!" while on Monday morning my stomach said "we partied too hard". I also had some beer at Sunday Night Live, which is something I've been trying to cut down on because it's also on that list of foods I love that make my feel terrible. So yeah, Monday was a real shitty time because all these foods and liquids combined into a Voltron of discomfort and frowns. Just as my stomach felt better I started to get a sore throat that is still scratchin' as this is being written. Part of me hopes it's Swine Flu because I'd probably get a whole lot of time off work and it'd be kind of like being a part of history and I could reasonably wear a t-shirt like this:
It's an awkward design, but I think it would sell.
Do you think homeless people who live in California are as grumpy as homeless people around here? Probably not. But that's like saying you won an asshole contest. I'll bet everyone's California doppleganger is generally happier than you. If they're not then there's something wrong with them. 74% of my unhappiness over the last year has been a direct result of shitty weather.
Coming up tomorrow: An update on my throat featuring commentary from my larynx. He's going to be in such a bad mood!
On Sunday I told my insides to shut up and strap in. For breakfast I had bacon, eggs, hash browns and pancakes, which isn't so bad. I'm a breakfast traditionalist and eggs are one of my favourite ways to eat an animal. They've actually won several 'Glennies' at my annual year end awards show that goes on inside my head. Other big winners at last year's ceremony, hosted by Kathy Ireland in an bikini in 1990 included Star Wars, nice days and funny things. I then drank coffee as I was waiting for my laundry and coffee is high on the foods to avoid list that my doctor gave me awhile ago hence my dangerous intake of substances I shouldn't consume began.
Come dinner time I told Liv to "eat shit, I'm getting Indian food", which made my taste buds go "show me your tits!" while on Monday morning my stomach said "we partied too hard". I also had some beer at Sunday Night Live, which is something I've been trying to cut down on because it's also on that list of foods I love that make my feel terrible. So yeah, Monday was a real shitty time because all these foods and liquids combined into a Voltron of discomfort and frowns. Just as my stomach felt better I started to get a sore throat that is still scratchin' as this is being written. Part of me hopes it's Swine Flu because I'd probably get a whole lot of time off work and it'd be kind of like being a part of history and I could reasonably wear a t-shirt like this:
It's an awkward design, but I think it would sell.Do you think homeless people who live in California are as grumpy as homeless people around here? Probably not. But that's like saying you won an asshole contest. I'll bet everyone's California doppleganger is generally happier than you. If they're not then there's something wrong with them. 74% of my unhappiness over the last year has been a direct result of shitty weather.
Coming up tomorrow: An update on my throat featuring commentary from my larynx. He's going to be in such a bad mood!
May 4, 2009
BUM BUM MARMALADE
When chefs get really good a lot them get really dumb haircuts.
Now that I've got that off my chest, I'd like to pass along some sadder news I received last week. My sister's cat "Petey" aka "Bonkers" got hit by a car on Friday and is no longer with us. This was the type of cat that you always hope for when you get a new cat. He was friendly, rambunctious, fluffy, soft, and very mischievous. Petey, you were a good man and you'll be missed by everyone who petted you and observed your off the wall antics. (pours out 40 on the ground)
Speaking of 40's, they were front and center at my friend Kevin's wedding on the weekend. Because we enjoyed them so much during university, Kevin put one on our table and his dad worked one into his prop heavy father of the groom speech, a nice little touch to an already impressive reception. Remember what Ice Cube says in "Friday" when he grabs the box of cereal? That's what we said when we saw the forty. I just hope the one black guy at the wedding didn't mind. Here it is thanks to the future and all the scientists out there:
Short Circuit 2 is way better than Short Circuit 1, no doubt thanks to the replacement of Steve Guttenberg with Michael McKean. That part where Johnny 5 turns into a bad ass also helps. And the Bonnie Tyler song during the climax.
Should these entries be shorter? Would you prefer an expresso shot or a large with cream and sugar? Or do you drink lemonade in the morning? That's what I'll do, I'll just serve up medium fruit juices because that's what everyone likes. Anyway, just let me know. Today's is a bit shorter. See you later.
Now that I've got that off my chest, I'd like to pass along some sadder news I received last week. My sister's cat "Petey" aka "Bonkers" got hit by a car on Friday and is no longer with us. This was the type of cat that you always hope for when you get a new cat. He was friendly, rambunctious, fluffy, soft, and very mischievous. Petey, you were a good man and you'll be missed by everyone who petted you and observed your off the wall antics. (pours out 40 on the ground)
Speaking of 40's, they were front and center at my friend Kevin's wedding on the weekend. Because we enjoyed them so much during university, Kevin put one on our table and his dad worked one into his prop heavy father of the groom speech, a nice little touch to an already impressive reception. Remember what Ice Cube says in "Friday" when he grabs the box of cereal? That's what we said when we saw the forty. I just hope the one black guy at the wedding didn't mind. Here it is thanks to the future and all the scientists out there:
Short Circuit 2 is way better than Short Circuit 1, no doubt thanks to the replacement of Steve Guttenberg with Michael McKean. That part where Johnny 5 turns into a bad ass also helps. And the Bonnie Tyler song during the climax.
Should these entries be shorter? Would you prefer an expresso shot or a large with cream and sugar? Or do you drink lemonade in the morning? That's what I'll do, I'll just serve up medium fruit juices because that's what everyone likes. Anyway, just let me know. Today's is a bit shorter. See you later.
May 1, 2009
THANK GOODNESS FOR ALL OF THOSE YELLOW SCARVES
My sunburn is almost healed now and it's starting to peel, which is the best part. There's nothing more satisfying than peeling a big old sheet of skin off. Did you ever do that thing when you were a kid where you cover your hand in white glue, let it dry and then peel it off? If you like peeling then give it a try next time you have some glue handy. I guess glue isn't the kind of thing young adults keep around though. When you're a kid there's glue everywhere. Glue and construction paper. If I needed that stuff now I don't even think I'd know where to find it. When was the last time you used glue? When you get old you use staplers, paper clips and tape for any fastening needs, am I right? Staplers are the Skor bars of the fastening world - a more civilized choice.
My sunburn is also itchy. When I worked at a grocery store around the age of 15 or 16 I had this terrible sunburn and it itched so bad when I was at work that I needed quick relief or else I'd go crazy. So I went to the pharmacy area and decided on Gold Bond cream because Gold Bond is a trusted name in powders and creams and it said right on the package that it was good for sunburns. I put the cream on and it made me itchier so I've never, and will never, use that shit again. During one of my first ever hangovers I had to go to work at the grocery store and this manager asked me to go find a shopping cart that was on the lawn of the President of the Company's or something. I remember wandering around aimlessly looking for this thing and having to stop every few minutes to sit down and get my head straight or else I'd barf. I finally found the damn thing and had to wheel it up this giant hill. When I got back I said I was sick and went home. I remember my sister tried to convince my parents that I was hungover, which I flatly denied. Well played Laura, but you you'll never destroy me.
I think I've finally finished that Office spec script I've been working on forever and it feels like a nice warm dip in a pool with the BBQ going right beside it being worked by a a grill master. I bought this book called "The War on Art" and it's all about procrastination and stuff and I'm not big on self-help or anything, but it really helped myself. Chances are that in a couple of weeks I'll lose much of the momentum this book has given me, but maybe that will be the test as to whether I can actually sustain being a writer in the professional sense.
This entry was kind of boring. Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with stuff to tell you, but be assured this is probably as bad as it'll get. If it got worse, I'd erase everything and instead post pictures of funny toads or some more choose your own adventure stories. Maybe this wasn't that bad, but I think the part in the middle about the grocery store adventures wasn't all that exciting. Luckily, thanks to the aforementioned book I read, it doesn't matter what you write as long as you write. I guess that doesn't help you, the reader, but don't worry I always try to make this as good as possible even if I got NOTHING.
My sunburn is also itchy. When I worked at a grocery store around the age of 15 or 16 I had this terrible sunburn and it itched so bad when I was at work that I needed quick relief or else I'd go crazy. So I went to the pharmacy area and decided on Gold Bond cream because Gold Bond is a trusted name in powders and creams and it said right on the package that it was good for sunburns. I put the cream on and it made me itchier so I've never, and will never, use that shit again. During one of my first ever hangovers I had to go to work at the grocery store and this manager asked me to go find a shopping cart that was on the lawn of the President of the Company's or something. I remember wandering around aimlessly looking for this thing and having to stop every few minutes to sit down and get my head straight or else I'd barf. I finally found the damn thing and had to wheel it up this giant hill. When I got back I said I was sick and went home. I remember my sister tried to convince my parents that I was hungover, which I flatly denied. Well played Laura, but you you'll never destroy me.
I think I've finally finished that Office spec script I've been working on forever and it feels like a nice warm dip in a pool with the BBQ going right beside it being worked by a a grill master. I bought this book called "The War on Art" and it's all about procrastination and stuff and I'm not big on self-help or anything, but it really helped myself. Chances are that in a couple of weeks I'll lose much of the momentum this book has given me, but maybe that will be the test as to whether I can actually sustain being a writer in the professional sense.
This entry was kind of boring. Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with stuff to tell you, but be assured this is probably as bad as it'll get. If it got worse, I'd erase everything and instead post pictures of funny toads or some more choose your own adventure stories. Maybe this wasn't that bad, but I think the part in the middle about the grocery store adventures wasn't all that exciting. Luckily, thanks to the aforementioned book I read, it doesn't matter what you write as long as you write. I guess that doesn't help you, the reader, but don't worry I always try to make this as good as possible even if I got NOTHING.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
