I HOPE THIS DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND IT SELLS PAPERS

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Tamils! These guys have been real mad lately because of the civil war going on in Sri Lanka I think. They've been trying to persuade the Canadian government to talk turkey with the world and try to stop this thing, but it's been a rough ride. Like most citizens of Toronto, I was pissed when they blocked the highway, but remain sympathetic, and after hearing some of them talk on TV it seems they don't care what the public thinks of them, they just want results. FAIR BALL TAMILS.

Despite my sympathy I still feel like they shouldn't have risked lives with that blockade. There are other ways to protest, albeit more boring ways, which is why the Canadian Government asked myself and other prominent citizens (Doug Gilmour, Mitsou, the guy who plays drums at SkyDome, Mel Lastman's fat son, Rod Black and Jim Carrey) to form a task force to generate some alternative protest ideas that we can hand over to the Tamils. After a long night, 6 boxes of Lucky Charms, a case of Vernor's and a viewing of the first three Meatballs films, here's what we came up with:

1) High Pitched Squealing - Remember that scene in Summer School when Mr. Shoop quits and the principle comes in and they all start humming? The Tamils should do this, but on a bigger scale and in a higher register. They could also play that part of "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" over and over again a la this guy I heard about on Howard Stern once. He hated his neighbours and played the "do do do do do, do do do do do do" part on repeat when he went away and it drove them nuts.

2) Get nude - I can't think of too many things that would make people as unreasonably upset as a naked parade. Yeah, it's kind of taboo, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. It would get people's attention and no one would get hurt, unless Tamil men have dick lasers, which I'm pretty sure they don't.

3) Celebrity support - Celebrities can make people buy or do anything. Instead of appealing to the Canadian government, talk to Bono, Brad Pitt or Jay-Z because they seem to be able to grab people's attention better than any world leader.

Here's something funny - comedian Aziz Ansari is Tamil and instead of protesting against Sri Lanka, he's been spending his time protesting against IMAX because they gypped him five bucks and it's been getting mad coverage all over the place. There's irony or something in there somewhere.

That's all we came up with. We didn't get much done because Rod Black wouldn't shut up about his lawn and Dougie got up every two minutes to "piss like crazy".

I've got tickets to the symphony tonight, so I'm outta here. Kim Mitchell will be playing Flight of The Bumblebee on guitar. EXCITED!!!