TODAY I SAW A PURPLE DOG NAMED RUDOLPH (YEAH RIGHT)

I've got these stomach issues that prevent me from enjoying my favourite foods, but on weekends I usually let loose and throw caution to the wind, leading to much discomfort at the cost of deliciousness.

On Sunday I told my insides to shut up and strap in. For breakfast I had bacon, eggs, hash browns and pancakes, which isn't so bad. I'm a breakfast traditionalist and eggs are one of my favourite ways to eat an animal. They've actually won several 'Glennies' at my annual year end awards show that goes on inside my head. Other big winners at last year's ceremony, hosted by Kathy Ireland in an bikini in 1990 included Star Wars, nice days and funny things. I then drank coffee as I was waiting for my laundry and coffee is high on the foods to avoid list that my doctor gave me awhile ago hence my dangerous intake of substances I shouldn't consume began.

Come dinner time I told Liv to "eat shit, I'm getting Indian food", which made my taste buds go "show me your tits!" while on Monday morning my stomach said "we partied too hard". I also had some beer at Sunday Night Live, which is something I've been trying to cut down on because it's also on that list of foods I love that make my feel terrible. So yeah, Monday was a real shitty time because all these foods and liquids combined into a Voltron of discomfort and frowns. Just as my stomach felt better I started to get a sore throat that is still scratchin' as this is being written. Part of me hopes it's Swine Flu because I'd probably get a whole lot of time off work and it'd be kind of like being a part of history and I could reasonably wear a t-shirt like this:

It's an awkward design, but I think it would sell.

Do you think homeless people who live in California are as grumpy as homeless people around here? Probably not. But that's like saying you won an asshole contest. I'll bet everyone's California doppleganger is generally happier than you. If they're not then there's something wrong with them. 74% of my unhappiness over the last year has been a direct result of shitty weather.

Coming up tomorrow: An update on my throat featuring commentary from my larynx. He's going to be in such a bad mood!