May 6, 2009


Right now I'm at my house and it's 7:22 pm on Tuesday. I left work early because I barely slept last night after watching "Wall Street" and that sore throat I told you about has left its cocoon and turned into a beautiful cold. I don't get sick all that often but when I do I always eat apples, drink orange juice and make soup and it usually works pretty good, but how can you really tell? Colds don't have a defined shelf life, but since I don't ever fight humans, I figure I might as well fight colds.

Anyway, I'm not very motivated to write much in here right now, so here's something I've already written that you might find interesting. If not, check out the Internet Movie Database on the Internet. It's got so much stuff.

Speaking of movies, here's a thing I did last year called "Roger Ebert's Summer Blockbuster Reviews" at a Laugh Sabbath show here in Toronto where I played Roger Ebert and basically just read the following. The movies are from last year and if that bothers you, then you don't understand that time is just a concept man.

Summer Movie Blockbuster Reviews

Iron Man

This is a movie for all you rocket boys and rocket girls. Iron Man is a flying man from California, who makes a suit in Iraq. He’s handsome and rich, just like a prince from fairy tales of old and he loves fighting crime just like your town’s police guys. What does this all add up to? A whole lotta fun that both you and your teenager will really smile at. Are there boobs in it? No, but there’s a couple of babes.


The “geniuses” at Pixar make a cute movie with some bots. But I’m not going to start tickling their nuts quite yet. There’s a dirty little guy and a flying ipod who say each other's name for 2 hours while some fat guys sit around in the future. Have you seen Star Wars? It’s better.

Get Smart

Get Smart? Wet fart. Wet farts are exactly what I had after I ate a box of milk duds, a plastic tub with batman on it full of popcorn and three root beers throughout the film’s 110 minutes. Steve Carrel looks like a mole and if this movie was about a mole instead of a secret agent and if it took place in Atlantis or a volcano city with fire lions in it instead of America it would’ve probably been better. The Rock puts in a memorable performance.


I eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner every damn night and you what? I don’t get sick of it. But if I had to watch Wanted every night I’d pour glue on my eyes and even if it didn’t glue my eyes shut, at least the chemicals would blind me or at least do a fair amount of damage. So yeah I didn’t like it, although the theatre I saw it at had cool bathrooms with great lighting and the option of paper towels or a hand dryer. The bathroom at work only has the hand dryer and those things take forever.

Sex and the City

This movie loses points out of the gate for not having a dragon in it. But let’s face it; people didn’t see this film for dragons but for four loose women who shop and complain all day long. My favourite loose goose of the four is the one that’s my age. You know, that blond one that has sex more than the other three chickies. I went to a Cubs game with Chris Noth in 1999. The only thing I remember is attempting to catch a foul ball and him yelling out “Timmmmmmmmbeerrrrr”. I punched him square in the nose then went to go see the Matrix again.

The Dark Knight

I’m putting this film in Roger Ebert’s hall of fame alongside hamburgers, waterslides, post intercourse cherry blasters, a solid game of basketball, the backside of a lady and a big old banana split. I was once at a party in L.A. and I saw Christian Bale making out with three chicks while eating a steak and the bar we were at wasn’t even a restaurant. At the end of the party he did a magic trick where all the walls disappeared. Then a Jet Plane picked him up. This film may not win an Oscar but it certainly won the boners of millions of fellas across the world.

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