I HAVE TO ADMIT, I JUST LOVE SCREAMING AT BIRDS

This week hasn't been the best. If not for the NHL and their playoffs I'd be in a downright stink. But don't worry friends, Friday brings dreams of sunshine, meals prepared by workers at restaurants just for you and cold drinks that alter your brain. And for all the ladies out there who have had sex resulting in human baby, it's your special day on Sunday! Lots to look forward to. Since my mom's birthday is a week after Mother's Day I don't usually go crazy beans with presents and usually give mother something small and/or funny.

One year my friend Jon thought it'd be a good idea for us all to paint self portraits of ourselves to give to our mom bombs. Here's mine:

I think it's one of the best things I've ever drawn. Another year I made a glossy 8x10 photo of myself and autographed it, and I wish I could show it to you but my mom keeps it at work and I didn't get a chance to scan it. I've given you some good ideas, now get up off that bean bag chair, turn off that Laserdisc and go get some damn supplies.

Seriously though, at least make your mom a card. Not only is it thoughtful, but it's also a big "EAT FARTS" to the greeting card companies who prey on the love we have toward the girls that birthed us. Trust me, your mom will like it way better and she'll probably keep it unless you mess it up and it sucks. If you're having trouble coming up with material, here are some quick messages you can use:

Roses are red, rice is from China, I wouldn't be here without your vagina

Mom - I'm old enough now that I could beat you up no problem, but of course I never would!

Mom - Our love is strictly emotional, but damn you look good

You raised me, fed me and nurtured me. All I can give in return is my love and a promise I'll give you the best damn funeral when you die.

All you have to so is add in a picture of a heart or a small woodland creature and you've got yourself a card. Ding Dong. The doorbell! Let's see who's there...

Oh it's a mom!