May 15, 2009


Hello over there!

Post Master Eli here with a special delivery of mail. Here's a joke - What's the difference between real mail and 'e-mail'? Elbow Grease and a soul, that's what. This is the first time I've ever used a computer and let me tell you something, it pales in comparison to a cup of coffee, a loaf of bread and a shit load of ducks if you know what I mean. I meant a day in the park feeding ducks if you didn't.

Anyway, business calls! Glenn asked me to transmit these real letters over the cyber net for you to enjoy and I'm not one to shy away from my duties, unlike the lazy, pimple faced rubes who use computers to do everything for them. Can a computer tie your shoes and bake your Sunday pie? I don't think so. Well, I gotta run. See you next March and remember to tip your cap to your local postal workers next time you see them. They're the most important people in the world.


Post Master Eli

Dear Blog,

I'm interested in starting my own website. My question is, if I like a girl and she doesn't like me back, what do I do?

Scoopy Root

Thanks for the question Scoopy. To get a girl to like you all you need to do is change everything about yourself. I'd start by getting a makeover and going for a shopping trip to your local promenade. It wouldn't hurt asking this girl exactly what she wants in a man and then just doing what she says. She likes muscles? Start working out or buy bigger shirts. She likes guys in bands? Learn an instrument or simply pass someone else's song off as your own. High risk, high reward, that's what love is all about.


I've lived in a small town all my life and I'm going off to school in the big city come September. Got any tips?


Bilbo Livingston

Yo Bilbo. Living in a big city is a lot like having sex for the first time - just act like you know what you're doing and you'll be fine. It's also like playing Nintendo Wii for the first time - so amazing and then it's like 'big deal' and you'd rather be outside. In this case outside is like the country or something. It could also be like eating soup - at first you want to dig right in, but it's best to take things slow and enjoy the soup. It's kind of like Chinese Checkers too.

That's all the mail for today. There was a big pile of mail, but only two were real letters. The rest were drawings of rhinos by Post Master Eli. He used to be a zookeeper you know. Enjoy this long weekend and don't forget the things that make long weekends great - beers, beef, spaghetti and games.

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