YOU HAVE THE BIGGEST EYES I'VE EVER LAUGHED AT

I was performing at The Loner Show's five year anniversary on Sunday so I had to PVR the hotly anticipated Survivor finale instead of watching it live with chips and candy. My heart almost stopped when I got home and realized that only 47 minutes out of the three hours had been recorded because we ran out of storage. Luckily I realized this at around 11:49, and since the west coast feed started at 11:00 I pulled off a huge move by recording it while watching the first 47 minutes of the original thus missing but 2 minutes of action. Get it? Do you the technology I speak of?

This is merely a visual

I'd get into how Russell got straight fucked by the Survivor jury, but if you didn't watch the season you'll have no interest. Instead I'll move on the to the most complusary and at the same time most enjoyable activity humans participate in, which is of course eating.

The other highlight of Sunday was roasting a chicken and having it all to myself. I got to eat all the best parts -- the breasts, the drums, the bones and the feathers, which I first braised in Chianti then finished by lightly frying in barbecue sauce, Missouri style.

We have an old Viking range from the 50's or something and when you see it you're like "cool, it's old" and then you use it and it's like "shit, it sucks", so I've never had much luck in making oven-cooked meats. But this time I knocked it out of the park and will probably make it again until pork season, which begins when the first black rose of the spring sprouts forth in a small village outside of Chicago.

As we inch closer to Christmas, you're probably getting sick and tired of hearing carol after carol, but there's probably one you've never heard. I first discovered this "lost carol" when snooping around the study of a well-known construction worker who invited me into his manor after I accidentally crash landed in his pool while trying a new trick on my blades. Anyway, I think you might enjoy it:

"Bethlehem Snow"


I was there, I saw the birth, the new King brought to this Earth
The little town of Bethlehem was radiating mirth

But I sold rugs and had to split my camel packed and ready
I said "goodbye!", ate some figs and rode on, fast and steady

Before the gates, the sky went dark and a chill filled the air
I looked up to the stars above and white shit fell on my hair

"What the hell?" I asked Denis, my brown camel strong and true
But he just smiled, licked his lips and dropped some sandy poo

Chorus:
Snow in Bethlehem is bullshit even on Christmas Day
You get real cold, your feet get wet and cows eat frozen hay
Women wear more and beer ain't refreshing and I don't own a hat
I had to kill my camel Denis and wrap myself in his fat

Now I'd seen a lot of things, including bearded chicks
But it never snows in Bethlehem so I assumed dirty tricks

I punched a man who walked on by because he looked real dumb
By then the snow was four feet deep and my balls were getting numb

I ate some snow because it was free and all the world went black
It wasn't snow but instead was bleach that had fallen from my sack

Chorus:

Snow in Bethlehem is bullshit even on Christmas Day
You get real cold, your feet get wet and cows eat frozen hay
Women wear more and beer ain't refreshing and I don't own a hat
I had to kill my camel Denis and wrap myself in his fat