MOUNTAINS ARE THE PIMPLES OF THE EARTH

When it comes to eating food with sauce, I'm a dipper not a spreader. Dipping provides the eater with control over distribution for a pure flavour experience. You do a bad spread and it's tough to recover because a spread is forever and covers the entirety of the meal. If you bad dip a bite, don't even worry -- it's just a bite and you'll be able to recover with the next one. So at your next banquet, have the chef forget about spreading and instead party on with dips.


Thanks to Chef Ottol McMovie of the Quaker test kitchen for the insights above. Ottol was my pizza teacher when I went to culinary school for two weeks in 2005. When I found out that chefs don't live in the restaurants they work in I quit immediately.

Getting to know me, featuring thoughts by me

Because of my stature and unwillingness to enter into any conflict, I could be classified as a wiener, but I even things out with the ability to play a guitar solo and an impressive sports jersey collection, so I'm more of a namby-pamby. My wienerish tendencies have been with me for a long time. Heck, I used to be scared of mornings!

That's not true, but are some things I was scared of that I shouldn't have been scared of:

The owl from Mr. Dressup. I think this guy scared me because it was always kind of a surprise when he woke up. Plus, owls are like fluffy bats and always looks like they're trying to figure out a way to kill you. Just watch Twin Peaks and you'll see. You'll also fall in love with Kyle MacLachlan. Then you'll watch Sex and the City and kind of hate him again.

Harry the dumb sasquatch from popular culture. I remember watching Harry and the Hendersons with my siblings hiding behind a chair at the beginning because I was scared of seeing a guy in a big foot costume I guess. My brother and sister assured me he just looked like a big ewok, so I came out and enjoyed the rest of the film. The EXACT same thing happened when I went to a birthday party with the lady from Poltergeist.

I've told you guys about my fear of not finding a bathroom, so I won't get into that one again. Which Poltergeist happened in that apartment building? 3? That one gave me a case of the scary larrys.