LASER DISCS AND DART BOARDS - COOL OR NOT COOL?

Yesterday I took a step toward a career path by enrolling in an advertising course at Humber just in time for the fall season. The good thing about wanting to be a copy writer is that I can also work on other writing at the same time, which will give me well rounded stats like Mario in Mario Kart. Big time slaps on the back to Alicia who helped me out and linksed me with an experience copywriter who could've crushed my dreams but didn't, insisting my background of being a garbage man, a pool salesman, a comedian and a proofreader could actually benefit me. Keep your eyes on this place come September because school will give me a lot more to say other than "I'm sick of my job and I'm a bozo" type of stuff.

It's about to be the first weekend in August, which means CIVIC HOLIDAY. I thought I was going away but it looks like I'm not, so it'll be my job to dominate Toronto this weekend the only way I know how - by wandering around and buying food probably. I have my sights set on fish and chips. But if you're the more adventurous type, why not try one of these kid-friendly activities:

The CN Tower "Top of the World" Pig Roast and Euchre tournament - Saturday and Sunday, noon to 5:00 pm

Enjoy a sumptuous feast courtesy of the Milton Historical Preservation society's "Snout Patrol" high atop the nation's most famous big thing. After lunch, stick around as 28 of the world's top euchre players play for keeps and $50 worth of Toronto Argonauts merchandise. Be sure to bring your own tether.

Ontario Association of Vans presents Van Jam '09 in High Park - Sunday only

Join Van Association president and recent grandfather, Geoff Hank Eyeplot as he rings in this year's Van Jam with a ceremonial spark plug gapping. Over 6 vans will be on display and rumour has it that York Liverpuss, owner of a 1989 Chevy Astrovan will be making his famous Peach Sparkle. Admission is $50 for adults and $90 for children over the age of 5. The first six fans will receive a Frisbee from the '07 jam.

The Royal Ontario Museum and Glorfax Illusions - Civic Scares

Visit the ROM on holiday Monday and experience shit-your-pants scares suitable for the whole family. We've invited Glorfax the Scarred, famed illusionist and probable warlock to use the ROM as he pleases. "I will make dinosaurs come alive and they will destroy you," Glorfax said in a press release issued Thursday. Do you have a favourite exhibit that you'd like him to illusionate? Email Freddy Hott, the ROM's public relations coordinator with your request. The scarier the better! Oh yeah, he already said he was going to use the mummies to "revive the terror of ancient pharaohs" so all you little Egypt fans don't have to worry!

And there you have the latest adventure of The Hippie-Crite. Here's a link to the first two if you need to get caught up. Don't worry though, there's no continuity. In fact, they're all pretty much the same.

You guys know the whole story behind that chicky who got her moron boyfriend to murder this other teen, right? They just released her real name and likeness, and on thestar.com there was this image:

The court artist has a lot of trouble drawing mouths! The drawing looks like a character from Alice in Wonderland or something. It looks like she's saying "deeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwff". And why is her head levitating? We'll never know...

OR WILL WE

Hello my name is Fred Preef, courtroom artist and amateur woodworker. The reason my painting of the suspect is as such is because I was eating Triscuits and cheese at the time and I wasn't really paying attention. By the time I was done and took a look at her lips I was like "that's not accurate but nobody's perfect" so I left it. In terms of her floating head, I'm pretty sure that actually happened. But that's just one man's opinion. I'm off to pick up my daughter Sue Doll from Private School. It was nice talking to you.

I found that note floating in my toilet last night.

Have you bought Ontario cherries yet? We bought some sours yesterday and they're setting my soul on fire.

CORN CHIPS IN THE PANTRY AND SOCKS IN THE OVEN

A little while back I wrote some stuff about hard work and how I didn't think I've worked very hard for anything in my life, which has led me to this current mini-rut I'm kind of in. Since then I've tried reforming my ways to mixed results. The biggest problem is that I still can't tell if I'm working hard. Maybe I've been working hard this whole time and I just didn't realize it, or maybe I've just fooled myself into believing I have. I guess it's all relative just like most things in life (whether or not a girl is a babe or not etc.). In any case, I still feel like I waste a lot of time doing nothing and/or meaningless tasks that yield instant gratification, like cutting my fingernails or putting things in my backpack for the next day.

So I've pretty much stayed the course since we last talked, although I am getting better I think. The weekends are still a total write-off. That's a tough one to break out of. Our whole lives we're taught that the only people who work on weekends are bartenders, shop keeps and those in the sex trade, and when Friday hits we shut down and spend all our money on pizza even though we have food in the fridge. It all boils down to the fact that the avenues I wish to pursue require working when you're done working, so it's like you have two jobs. And because work usually means eye rolls and slumped shoulders, it's tough toast getting it all done.

I bought the movie "Summer Rental" from a convenience store last week and Liv and I watched it on Sunday. It was a family favourite of ours and it holds up quite nicely! Although the final act pretty much sucks shit and comes with the worst overdub in movie history:

If they couldn't get the little girl in the film to do it, then why couldn't they just find another little girl?

Tomorrow you can expect the third issue of "The Hippie-Crite", a comic panel series about a hippie who should change his attitude BIG TIME.

WALDO FROM THOSE BOOKS DRESSES PRETTY COOL ACCORDING TO TODAY'S STANDARDS

I was going to draw a new Hippie-Crite cartoon, but when you have no drawing skills whatsoever, a six panel silly takes a long time even though the end product appears to have taken five minutes. Sorry mom!

While Google image searching, I recently came across a treasure bowl of scans from some family. This calls for investigation. I'll show some pictures and try to figure out what the family is like - so it's basically another caption thing. You like those, right?

No offense to your tastes or anything, but if you don't think this picture is cowabunga then you should hit the books and go back to cool school. When I first looked at it I think it was a guy with streamers on his nose, about to hit the park to feed the ducks while slamming some martinis. His granddaughter was appalled by his breath and that other person was mad that he was blocking the piano. Upon closer inspection it seems that the streamers on his nose is actually some sort of breathing apparatus and that cocktail shaker is maybe some oxygen - although I'm pretty sure it is a cocktail shaker. And that's DEFINITELY bread.

There's plenty more where that came from. I'm now going to use one to create a poster for elementary school libraries all over Canada.

I was watching MTV's "16 and Pregnant" last night and I got the feeling that the daddy had a kid just so he could get a tattoo of his baby's name - "Bentley". That's a dumb name alright, but when you're 16 you are dumb so it's no big deal. That'd even be a stupid name for a dog. Oh well. I'm no scientist myself.

YOGURT CLARK WAS HERE

Of course the Scottage was a great time! What did you expect? That leads us to this month's edition of "THE ONLY PROBLEM WAS" brought to you by coats.

The only problem was the weather. We got there around 4pm ish on Friday and there was a bit of sun, so those of us who were there were determined to make use of it. Stein and I adopted the motto "Dip while the dippin's good", and took to the lake for inhuman activity "swimming".

But then we experienced a classic southern Ontario summer Saturday consisting of off and on rain and no big time heat - that's the kind of heat that allows you to run in rain no problem and splash and slide around and that kind of thing. But don't worry. We still managed to drink several beers, play games and make delicious meals. I made ribbies.

The only other problem was my stomach, which didn't react kindly to the beer, meat sauce, brownies and chips that were fed to it on Friday. Because of this I slept like a moron and was uncomfortable and tired for most of Saturday. But rock n' roll music and peer pressure has taught me that the party must go on and I managed to bounce back nicely for a full night of getting silly.

Images can be located on social networking sites probably. Do some research for a change.

DO YOU HAVE A DINER'S CLUB CARD? WHO DOES?

In grade 9 French class, our professeur asked us to bring in our favourite song, play it in front of everyone, then talk about it in French. This one girl played U2's With Or Without You and the teacher started crying. I don't know what to play so I brought in this Rancid song that I didn't even really like that much just so I'd look cool. Results varied probably.

TALKIN' ME

Remember when I mentioned I was in some Eye Magazine photos once? Here's a couple of them:

I forget what the theme of the shoot was, but I think Jon (far right) and I were demons or something. That other guy was a real good dude - an ex- football player who read books all day and wore sharp hats.

yeah demons for sure.

If I ever make a movie, the opening sequence is going to be "Hip to be Square" by Huey Lewis and will feature some guy with sunglasses going around his town on a sunny day and greeting everyone he sees.

Content was thin today because I have a cottage weekend on deck and I can't keep my mind straight - hence the self-indulgent display.

HAROLD POTTER AND HIS MISSING BEANS OUT 2078

MOVIE REVIEW - Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince

I love Harry Potter as much as the next cool adult, but Half-Blood Prince was probably my least favourite out of all the books, so going into the film adaptation I wanted chocolate cake but was expecting crackers and ginger beer.


I give full winks to the way the film looked - the special effects were extra special and the whole thing looked dark without being too dark - kind of like Nine Inch Nails.

The acting was just fine, with the core cast doing a great job at conveying awkward teen romance while being wizards. I think I've said it before, but I think Radcliffe, Grint and Watson are great little actors and seemingly better human beings, which can't really be said of the American scrotes who live in Hollywood and who believe they're more important than technology itself. Yeah right! Do they even know what kind of an impact Twitter is having? Laughable.

The main reason I'm not giving this picture an "A+" along with a stellar parent-teacher interview that goes way past its allotted time because both parties couldn't stop praising the child, is because the story just isn't that good. I remember finishing the book and thinking most of it was spent preparing the reader for the ending. Nothing else really happened. The same thing happened in the adapted screen version and will probably happen again the in book based on the film based on the book, which doesn't exist yet, but maybe will in the future because everything just seems to get sillier around here on Earth, right?

This weekend myself and friends take our annual trip to my friend Scott's family cottage, or "Scottage" for Canadian summer fun. Last summer it rained cats and piss all weekend so our good time wasn't 100%. If that happens again this year I'm going to flip my lid.

PRINCE GREGOR AND HIS WONDERFUL LIPS

If you need any further proof that band Sugar Ray is the lamest, check out the title of their upcoming offering: "Music for Cougars". I don't even know if teenagers would think that's funny and they laugh at everything from animals having sex to shy, harmless introverts who don't know how to party.

Title Analysis courtesy of Felpoon Laboratories, Moncton, New Brunswick

Strike one is starting with "Music for...", which has been done more times than Christina Aguilera has grasped wieners. Then strikes two, three and a million is using the term "cougar", which is well on its way to entering the joke space occupied by mullets and Austin Powers impressions. Then again, if indeed the music is intended for cougars, I think this is probably a title they'd enjoy. Marketing misstep or total genius? That's the question you should be asking yourself when putting the roast in the oven tonight.

New toppy

The last couple of days I've been working on a new video short by myself and it's been tough going because when you do things solo you don't have anyone telling you if it's no good or not. So I'd like to invite you all over to my house to watch me work and applaud every time I do something you like. When you see something you don't like a classic "boo" will suffice. I can't really think of anything else to say on the topic other than "follow your dreams".

Would you rather French kiss your parent of the same sex for 15 seconds, or watch your best friend kiss your parent of the opposite sex for 15 seconds? This is kind of a tough one.

I'M FINE WITH NOVELTY SOCKS AS LONG AS THEY'RE NOT YOUR EXCLUSIVES

Plug of the afternoon

Last night I went to see my friends in Toronto's Sunday Night Live at Comedy Bar, hosted by veteran comedy guy Jerry Minor and the show was hot potatoes with garlic butter. The reason I mention this is because they do it every Sunday at 9:00pm and you should grace them with your presence one of these days. The only acceptable excuse not to go would be if you eat shit.

Is that costume up there supposed to be sexual? Because it most certainly is. That should be the cover of AC/DC's next album. Or it should've been the cover of the "Plug Me In" DVD instead of this grampa'd thing. It'd be a good experiment to see if grizzled rock fans even give a darn about packaging.

"This cover seems gay or weird of somethin', but it's AC/DC so I'm confused."
"Are you going to buy or not Kirk? These frozen chicken wings are melting, I gotta pick up my kid from Destiny's house and make it home in time to feed my mutt."
"I'll get it, but I ain't keeping the sleeve."
"Can I have it?"
"What for?"
"That broad has tits don't she?"
"I guess."

The title of that play is "That's the way love goes"

Time for a caption contest - the universal game where you get to poke fun at an image of my choosing.

After his one man band "Octopus Dude" failed to impress record execs, Cliff turned to the dark aid of Wiccan princess Eliza who blessed his guitar with evil prayers whilst in her rumpus room.

Or...

Ladies and gentlemen... HOME SCHOOLING

Or...

Christmas with the Turd family.

Now you try some. You can swear if you want. I didn't but don't let that stop you.

MEAT DRINKS STILL DON'T EXIST BUT THEY WILL BECAUSE THEY GOTTA TRY EVERYTHING

This past weekend I learned some lessons that were borderline valuable. Profitable maybe? You be the judge.

The verdict is babe

I didn't have anything planned on Saturday so I decided I'd try to shop for some new clothes because I've been told that people do that sometimes. Liv and I hit Queen St., the coolest street on Queen St. and took in some of the many boutiques that hock cotton threads. This is where the lesson comes in - I can't shop at these boutiques! The only options a man has when shopping for modern fare is stripes or plaid. I have plenty of that already you yogurt face. After buying a couple of records we finally ended up at a vintage store that once clothed me for a fashion shoot I did for Eye many moons ago so I was in my "comfort matrix". I found a shirt and Liv got a dress and some shoes. Then we ate California sandwiches for obvious reasons.

I learned that unless I'm buying work wear (biz cajjj) I'm going to stick to the thrift and vintage stores that have given me so much in the past. Sorry I momentarily turned my back on you boys - daddy's home and he's brought donuts.

Let's go back in time.

On Friday we took in the Sarah Silverman gala at Massey Hall. Such a gas. The lineup was unbeatable, and the crowd, which was made up of my demographic, enjoyed almost every second. After I went to the Rhino for Ginger's birthday but I didn't take pictures again so it's hard for me to explain the fun had. The reason I don't bring my camera anywhere is because my pockets are already full with cell phone, wallet and matching change purse which is the most feminine part of me next to my fighting ability.