FOLLOWING MY MATERNAL INSTINCTS

I was just over at my friend Mike's comics blog, and I remembered that I had an idea for a comic called Grandma Comics. Actually, all I had was a name and a crude picture of a lady that looked like a Jewish guy. So inspired by Mike and his wonderful creations, here is the first Grandma comic:

Could be worse right? I'll bet Spiderman started this EXACT way. Except that instead of him eating a fly, he swings around on a web for a few panels and then says something like, "Some days I just can't get it right". I've mentioned before how I can't draw, and this is a shining example. In the last panel I was having trouble showing that she was in the process of chewing. I remember once in grade 2 or something I was drawing Mark Grace from the Chicago Cubs and I couldn't for the life of me draw a human body, so I got someone else to do it for me. I can't remember whether or not I admitted it or not, but I do remember that my mom put it up on the wall at our house. I think I must've told her. I DIDN'T tell her that I stole a magnet in grade one. Why did I want a magnet so bad?

Today I was playing NHL 09 on the Playstation 3 and I got so mad I almost threw the controller through a window. I calmed down with a cherry Tootsie Pop, my favourite. Speaking of NHL 09, here is a picture of my EA Sports avatar:

It looks EXACTLY like me. I'm sorry for the lack of anything today. It rained and I went to work. Chances are that's what happened to you as well. How about tomorrow we all go out for tacos, on me. Meet me at Sebastian's Spicy Tacos below the CN Tower at 9:30 AM eastern time of course. I'll wait on the slide until you guys get there. Don't forget your keys!

THE REAL DEAL

For today's things, I thought I'd make use of the name of this weblog because I can't think of anything else to say, other than - "TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN"

What I did

This past weekend I did a few things. On Saturday I went to the Eaton Centre to get my watch fixed. The guy told me it'd take an hour, which made me feel bad because it meant that I had to kill an hour at the Eaton Centre, which was a hive of youth and commerce. I bought a book, looked for a shirt and bought a Gatorade and a bag of Tootsie Pops. I like going to the mall because it's like a snapshot of culture at any given time. The kids seem to like Apple Computers and clothes from Hollister. I could sit outside that store for hours and watch the ridiculousness ensue. I guess it's kind of like what the GAP was like when I was a boy. Was it? I didn't buy any, I just had Leafs shirts and sweatpants, but people bought that stuff right? I bought a No Fear shirt once because I thought it was cool. I was right. No one ever picked on me again.

I also listened to a guy talk to his girlfriend or friend about clothes. He was about my age probably and was saying how he wanted to buy more casual dress pants instead of straight up dress pants. His reasons? Comfort and style. Then he seemed insecure about the white shirt he had just bought. I think it's kinda funny that he was at the mall shopping and that's all he wanted to talk about. It's like if you went to a baseball game and all you did was talk about baseball. I guess that isn't too weird. Let me know!

At this time I was sitting on a leather bench eating a Tootsie Pop, killing the remaining 15 minutes of my watch repair wait time. Istarted to imagine a group of teens looking at me and thinking I was some sort of perv because I was just sitting there enjoying a lollipop and staring into space, and my beard is really shaggy these days. I had a response at the ready - "I'm just sittin' here man! Enjoying a Tootsie. You ever had one of these? The best kid, the best." But I was fine. No one picked on me.

If I looked up from where I was sitting I could see a giant Anne Hathaway ad for Lancome or something staring me right in the face. I thought it'd be funny if you saw a guy come into the Eaton Centre with a Thermos of coffee, plop himself down were I was sitting and gaze at that ad all day long.

My next stop was American Apparel because I needed two plain coloured shirts for the Star Trek convention later that night. I don't like shopping there because the staff makes you feel like you don't belong. They're kind of dicks too. The staff totally flirted and engaged with this hot girl in front of me in line, but when I got up there they barely gave me the time of day and told me I should get a new bank card because mine is more cracked than Amy Winehouse on a Saturday night! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYEAH. I made that joke, not the cashier. Good huh?

The Star Trek thing went okay. It was tough trying to please both the big time fans who know everything and the others who were there for the bands who didn't know much at all. I don't know much at all actually. Basics man, basics.

We had to do another show right after and decided to wear our Trek outfits on the street. We thought we were the biggest weirdos until we passed by a guy dressed as a pirate. Like a really good pirate. I think his hat was leather. There's no way a pirate convention was in town that night and Halloween is a ways a away, so I'm fairly certain that was a real pirate.

When we got to Comedy Bar we realized we left our Jet Fighter outfits at the convention so we had to do another Star Trek set, only this time our audience was full of people who didn't give two shits about it. All things considered, it went okay.

On Sunday I went outside once and spent most of the day participating in online fantasy hockey drafts.

How I am

Not bad. How are you feeling?

UPDATE

Does this look scArY????? A couple of days ago I told you about this spider I know called Spiderman 2. I haven't seen it in a couple of days, but its web continues to dominate these little flies. If I were another spider and I came across this, I'd go "Holy shit! So much meat!"

And what the hell are these flies thinking? They're so stupid man. Talk about an unfair advantage. A spider is programmed to make this awesome, beautiful, sticky web of terror and all the fly knows how to do is fly around, eat shit and get stuck in it (webs, not shit), completely oblivious to the fact that its brothers and sisters are dying all over it. I can't quite think of a suitable human equivalent, but I guess it's sort of like how bears have claws and we don't, right?

Here's some technology information:

I found the following site via http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/, which is a good place for a laugh and a beer. Not a real beer, a fake one you make up in your head. Mine's called 'Tasty Springs Real Down Home Lager - It's Beer'.

http://host-d.oddcast.com/php/application_UI/doorId=237/clientId=86/mId=28127465

Play around with THAT for a while. Send one to your dad and tell him that you hate his lamb chops, or send one to your teacher and tell her to keep it up! If you read this before you clicked on it you're all confused now aren't you? Meanwhile, all of us in the know are having a damn ball.

It's Friday, so I hope you're all happy. On Saturday my comedy duo 'Jet Fighter Pilots' will be performing at the Tranzac's 2nd annual Star Trek Festicon at the Tranzac Club on Brunswick. Starting at 8pm there's going to be some sssssick bands and comedians doing Star Trek themed things. Event of the Spring. Guaranteed.

SOMETHING TO GET YOU THROUGH DINNER OR DESSERT

I own this pair of corduroy pants right? I wear them to work at least once or twice a week because they're comfortable and they don't wrinkle. But they're on their last legs I'm afraid. I've already sewed a hole in the crotch shut, and now the hole is starting to come back. I draw the line at two crotch holes. There's something mildly pathetic about sewing a crotch twice. If I went on What Not To Wear and we got talking about my pants and I explained that I sewed them twice, it would go a little something like this...

"Yeah I love these pants, but I've had to sew this hole shut twice," I said.
"Well why don't you just buy new ones!?" screamed Stacey.
"They make you look like a homeless woodsman," joked Clinton.
"A homeless woodsman who doesn't know how to sew!" further joked Stacey.
"Shut up. I'm going to spend this $5,000 on cotton candy and bandanas," I yelped.

I always hate when they refer to 'pants' as 'a pant'. What's going on here? Have I been wrong my whole life, calling 'a pant' 'pants'? If 'pants' is right, then wouldn't that mean that a skirt is technically a pant? You combine two skirts you get pants right? I think Stacey and Clinton might be right because no one calls a skirt a pant. Does anyone actually have an answer for this?

I decided today to replace the old boys with a new pair of skirts. I went to Kensington Market where the corduroy flows like wine, but I couldn't find any that combined fit and style the way I like. On the way home I stopped in at H&M to see what they had. They didn't have any corduroy, but I did end up buying a pair of brown slacks that I thought were alright. Now I don't really like them. They're too long and slippery. Plus, why didn't I just get black ones? Everything goes with black. What the hell was the I thinking? SHIT. I swear 80% of all pants I've bought over the last few years I haven't ended up liking when I get home. Is that something that girls do all the time?

Whatever, I'm just going to deal with it. If need be I'll get them hemmed and perhaps I'll visit some boutiques to find some proper tops. Just kidding I wont!

WORLDWIDE MEMORY MUSIC VIDEO OF TODAY




Anyone remember this video or this song or both or just one or both? I used to watch MuchMusic all the time and I remember this one being really catchy. I don't think I like it anymore. I don't agree with YouTube user "shoeman2008" when he says "i wish there was more country / rap / hip hop mix ups ... the few times that it has been done { like mix a lot for example } it has been pretty cool". I disagree shoeman. You know when people say they like every kind of music but country, and it you're like "everyone says that"? It's true though. Country music isn't very good. It's at this point in the country music debate that I usually bring up a quote from Butthead from his show Beavis and Butthead when he says, "Whatever happened to country music about whiskey drinking and ass kicking?" That sums it up for me!

That's a pretty nice little personal entry. I think you've learned more about me from that. The pieces are coming together fairly nicely. Coming up I'll cover what kind of chairs I like sitting in and what kind of backpacks I like for general city life - the truth is, you don't need anything very elaborate. I've said too much already! Don't get me started, me! Straps, zippers, reflectors, cell phone pouches...eregdaskdjfkja I can't stop.... headphone things, askdhfasjd;fasd

CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY GHOUL QUEST

Disclaimer to women: Every time I say "babe", just picture a hunk instead. You'll see what I mean. I forgot to make this quest unisex, so I appologize. There's nothing I can do about it now, so just forget about it. Lay off. Stop being so serious all the time.


You're taking a walk with your cousin in the woods near the berry patch. You each have a basket, full to the brim with the most delicious assortment of summer berries you've ever seen. Your aunt is at home warming a pot to make her special summer's day fruit jam and you both couldn't be happier. When you reach the old rabbit trail, a bully from your school named Scum Friar jumps out and threatens your life with a big cool axe with goo all over it.

"Hey you zit, stay off my trail or I'll kill you fuckin' ass with my blade," says Scum.

"Take it easy! I can be here if I want. Old man Groolidge owns these lands and he's friends with my grandpa, so I can trek these trails any time I desire," you reply.

Scum comes over to you like he's going to kill you.


If you run away and leave your cousin click here and proceed to section A1.

If you face your fear face your fear face your fear and decide to defend yourself, click here then proceed to A2.


*************************************************
A1


Okay so that picture is you as a baby running away. Fairly straight forward right?


When you get home your aunt asks where you cousin is. You lie and say that he split with his pals and that you think they were going to go drink in the pear groves. Your aunt gets pissed and goes out looking for your cousin. She finds his head cut off in the middle of the trail, but since your aunt is really a witch, she's actually kind of happy and makes a strong stew out of the head for dinner that night. Since you're sleeping over, you eat your cousin's head in the stew and have jam covered biscuits for dessert.

"Hey aunt, when's Terry coming back, did you find him?" you ask.

"Let's just say, he's headed home right now," she answered.

"Why did you emphasize 'headed'?"

"Shut up kid. Whatever. Stay out of my business and I'll stay out yours, idiot. Didn't you like that stew? Holy shit, I thought it was pretty good. I added tumeric this time. Gave it that yellow colour. Man, sometimes you really bother me you know?"


If you decide to say something smart to your aunt, click here and proceed to B1.

If you keep your mouth shut and enjoy the rest of your stay, click here and go to B2.


**************************************

A2


That picture is you and Scum fighting. You weren't doing very well until the Spirit of the Forest heard your screams and sent the Oak Guardian (that totally hot babe) to help you. She kills Scum and eats his heart right in front of you.

"Thanks a lot lady, you really saved my skin," you said.

"Fear not scrote, all is well in the forest once more. Let us sup on berries and then have sex. I know where there's this mossy clearing. So comfortable."

Just then you hear the sound of police sirens.

"Ah shit, the cops. We'll be okay though, right? You're not even real," you say to the Oak Guardian.

"I'm fucked. Did you see what happened back there? I ate the guy's heart! This is serious shit," she replied.

The police release dogs into the forest so you run up a tree.


If you wait it out up in the tree, and hope that the Oak Guardian will still be around when everything's cool so you can bang her, click here and go to C1.


If you get antsy and turn her in to the cops, click here and go to C2.


******************************

B1

That's a picture of your aunt kissing you. Not only did she turn you into a horse, but she's also in love with you, which is weird enough. You live to be 237 years old and become the world's most fantastic horse, even though your aunt loves you, which you get used to. You're rewarded a Grammy for best Adult Pop compilation in the year 2089 for your work with Michael Jackson's son Blanket's daughter who's name is VaVoom Jackson. Not bad.


******************************

B2


Your aunt likes your improved attitude and materializes these two chicks just for you. They end up being boring, and when you ask what their favourite movie is, one of them says "Seinfeld?" You end up kicking them out the next day because they complain there's no air conditioning. You ask your aunt where your cousin is again, and she decides to cut off your fingers because she warned you not to bring it up again. She uses the fingers in a spell that was supposed to turn all the leaves in the forest black, but if backfires and instead her liver explodes. You inherit the cottage and make friends with this guy named Bontar, who's been hunting your aunt because he hates witches. You harvest all sort of stuff and sell fresh bread along the old road. You read a lot but miss video games.


**************************

C1


Oak Guardian ends up killing the entire police force using the power of nature and some karate too. You end up doing it on the moss, which was as good as you thought it would be. After, Oak Guardian makes fresh maple syrup and gets all the chipmunks to make a healthy meal to go with it, including nuts, berries, leaves and some neat wood that tastes really good. This picture is you at your wedding at Univesity and Dundas in Toronto. You're brought into the realm of the forest spirts and your new name is Planthon Nettlebush. You're new job is to make sure that all the strawberries in the land have enough seeds on them. It kind of sucks, but Oak Guardian is the best damn lover in the forest.


***************************


C2


Oak Guardian does just fine handling the police force without you, but she gets really mad that you bailed. Instead of going back to your aunt's house, you go back home to your regular life and decide to generally follow your dreams. The only trouble is that every night Oak Guardian sends you visions (like the picture) and says stuff like, "You bailed on me you dick. You could've been my prince. Here's my butt in your face to remind you of just how hot I am. I'll be back tomorrow to remind you again."


Done!

How was that?

I lost interest toward the end. It got kinda weird didn't it?

THINK ABOUT YOUR ELBOW, YOU HAVEN'T IN A WHILE HAVE YOU??

At my place of employment, I have the luxury of sitting next to a window that looks over "The Lady by the Lake", "The Jewel of Ontario's Stool", "The Place to Sit your Face", "The Urban Ruby" - Toronto. Occasionally I get bummed out about the monontony of my work and gaze out the window like a child gazing into an ice cream store at the girl that works there because she wears low-cut tops every damn day, and I realize that my job isn't that bad. This is because I can see other jobs out my window that MUST be far worse. There's this big building nearing completion and I've been monitoring how quickly they've been installing the windows. That must be the worst job. This is a big building. Several floors. And some group of guys have to install the same window hundreds, maybe thousands of times, over and over again. I think I may start bringing my camera to work so I can illustrate this properly, but you get it right? Just imagine you had to put in all the windows at a place like this.

A big spider has set up a network of webs outside my window and is currently dominating the fly population. This guy has enough food for a long damn time and I get to see him eat them. Again, a picture would be helpful, and I'm sooooooo sorry, I'm SO sorry I don't have one, so here's something to make up for it:



Gross!!!

I was going to write something else about jobs, but I'll spare you for today. Instead, here's a spur of the moment comedy bit that I'll make up as I go along:

In a NASA space ship

Capt. - All systems are totally normal, and we're looking good
Other astronaut - I think I need a haircut
Capt. - Yeah maybe, but like, who cares right now you know?
Other astronaut - It's just one of those things. I've always had pretty nice hair and it's getting way too shaggy
Capt. - Yeah, but you're in space, doing a great job on this mission and like, who cares about that now. Look out the port window. It's Earth man. Look at that. Not many people have done what we're doing or seen what we've seen
Other Astronaut - Lay off chief. I'm just starting a conversation. And if I say I want a haircut, who's to stop me? You? There's no rules in space. It's like international waters. I could kill you up here and no court would convict me.
Capt. - Yeah they would
Other astronaut - No. Think about it. No one owns space.
Capt. - .......
Other - ......

Then they fight and they both die. Aliens find the ship lost in space

Zort - It seems these idiots fought themselves to death
Grant - Agreed. Should we report this to Leader?
Zort - No court would convict them
Grant - They might convict us. Maybe we killed them
Zort - We didn't.
Grant - I know...but it might seem that way..
Zort - Maybe....you killed them...
Grant - ....you did
Zort - you did

They fight and die then they drift into a black hole to Eagle World where Eagle Lord makes them an example of how not do things man.

How was that? Yeah I know. A little too sci-fi.

LIVE BLOGGING THE EMMYS

9:49 p.m.

We're well into the show and everyone looks soooooooooo glamourous! Everyone looks so beautiful and it's such a damn special night. There's a lot of magic in the air. Jon Stewart just pulled a peanut butter sandwich out of his tux and shared it with Everyone Loves Raymond.

9:58 pm

Don Rickles is wearing a floppy bow tie and Kathy Griffin is wearing a nice couch as a dress.

9:59 pm

The nominees for best reality-competition program... and..... The Emmy goes to The 2008 Duluth Bass Pro Am.

Actually the Amazing Race won, but do you think sports guys are mad they're not nominated in that category? Like John Madden enjoys the Emmys every year but forgets about this category and then it comes on and he remembers and gets all mad and his wife goes, "John, I told you not to watch this. Didn't I tell you? You do this every year. Don't look at me like that. Put down that football. You can't play now it's dark out. Shut up about my shoes! Okay fine I'll wake up the cat. No, we don't have any feathers."

10:02 p.m.

Tom Hanks looks like he's wearing a beaver tail for hair and his glasses look like they're made out of straws. I wish the Emmys was just Larry David up there complaining the whole time.

Alright I'm going to eat ice cream for dessert and then pack it in. I'm starting a new book about inventions in the 20th century (the Internet probably) tonight. For a brief period I was really into Nikola Tesla. He's my favourite inventor. Thomas Edison hated his ass.

GRANT YOU A BOAT

Sometime this summer I was talking to a friend of mine and he asked what I'd been doing with myself. The answer was "same stuff". When I asked him the same question he went on about all the great places and things he'd been doing. I like doing things but I never seem to get around to doing them. Am I lazy? Yeah, sort of. You know when a new movie comes out and it's described as a "slacker comedy"? I think I'm a slacker. I love slacker comedies and I generally love slacking. I'm pretty sure a lot of this has to do with the "rut" I'm in now. Like many in their mid-twenties, I'm ready to take the next step toward a career but have no idea what the next step will be or where it'll come from. I'm just sort of waiting around for something to happen. I get home from work at 9:15pm and feel like I deserve some time just sitting around, which is what I always end up doing. I guess I am lazy. Are you a doctor? Can you help me with this? Turn me into an active man? Did all that make sense? I just read it and it seemed disjointed. I think the main part is where I go: "Like many in their mid-twenties, I'm ready to take the next step toward a career but have no idea what the next step will be or where it'll come from. I'm just sort of waiting around for something to happen." If you were studying this entry for an upcoming exam that's the passage you should've highlighted probably. Remember in University when you'd look at someone's textbook and 95% of it was highlighted and in your head you're like, "Geez man, come on. Think about what you're doing you idiot. uggggugg gugggoople drphrhot"?

I realize I've been talking about work a lot lately. I'm just getting it off my chest. Bummer jobs make you want to do that so you can feel normal. I wonder what percentage of humans would rate their job as a bummer job? I'd say at least 70%. A lot of people don't even have jobs. It's all bummers for them. Expect those hippy types that travel all their lives and just dig the Earth man. They can eat seeds all day and still be in a good mood as long as the sun is still shining. They dig rain too. They don't care. Clouds? Love 'em. Hurricanes? All natural. Tornados? Helen Hunt. Mad About You? Stupid. Shoes? Wearing them. Holes? Yeah they have holes and they have paint on them from when I rode my bike through paint.

START HOPING THAT YOU WISH UP A DREAM

First off, is this guy for real? So many things hit you in the face in this video. First you're like, "come on really?" Then you see his face and he gets into that jeep and you're like, "no way." Then he starts singing and you go "oh man..." I say this with no hyperbole: This is one of the worst music videos I've ever seen. The combination of the way the guy looks (a 30 year old from Scarborough who tries to look like a 20 year old from Santa Cruz), his shitty, whiny voice and the video itself, which was seemingly conceived by a group of high school students working on a project. The concept? "Things young people do when they go to the beach". The pyramid KILLS me.

Okay I'm fine now. I'm good. Here's a couple of things that happened to me yesterday:

I was outside the Eaton Centre and a guy and his girlfriend came up to me and needed to ask me something. I removed my headphones and the guy goes "Is there an Urban Planet around here?" I told him I didn't know and he gave me this look like he was mad at me. I don't where Urban Planet is! Did he mean Urban Outfitters? I know where that is. There's two! Did he think I was lying? Why would I lie about that? If I ever see that dickhead on the street again I'm going to ask him about a store that doesn't exist and then I'm going to tell him that he has the face of Blythe Danner which is an insult because he's a man.

"Hey buddy, remember me?"
"No"
"Are you that gu.y that asked about Urban Planet a couple months back?"
"I don't know."
"Do you know where Doodle Greg's is?"
"What's that?"
"They sell RC cars."
"No I don't know where that is."
"YOU'RE A REAAAAAALLLLLL BLYTHE DANNER YOU KNOW THAT? AHAHAHAHAHAH SO LONG!!!"

Would you give me a million dollars if that actually happened? It won't. I'm not that confrontational and I don't remember what the guy looked like. Sorry.

In more disturbing news, I was on the subway and I saw a grown man getting cuddly with a catholic school girl. There had to have been at least a 10 year age difference and since she's in high school there's no way she's over 18. I guess technically it's legal, but there was something so unwholesome about the whole thing, like I was watching a Bruce LaBruce movie, but like, not gay. You'd get a better idea if you saw them yourselves. The guy had tattoos and she had a backpack. He could've been her uncle. And there's no way she was dressed like that because she thought it was cool. For sure high school guy. For sure.

If I see Bret Ryan on the street I think I'm going to have to say something. I once saw Sean Desmond drinking a Slurpee on Bathurst but I didn't have enough time to roll down the window to yell. I probably would've just said "Hey Desmond, slurp my nuts!" But I probably wouldn't have even said that. He could beat me up probably. Last time I weighed myself I was 159 pounds. My winter hamburger weight is all but gone. But don't fret yous. The winter chill is approaching. The hamburgers are on the grill. The fat is in the fryer. This bear is ready to hunt.

CRUISE THE NEWS

Remember when you were a teenager and all you wanted to do was be cool? I don't think I was cool. When I got to high school I was way into Star Wars and every piece of clothing I owned was branded with sports. In grade 9 all the rude dudes wore skateboarding clothes, which posed an issue for a guy like me who was trying to fit in because in order to dress like a skateboard dude you basically had to skateboard, which took time and money. It's sort of like if skydiving fashions became trendy and be to authentic you had to go jump out of a plane every once and a while, otherwise you'd be considered a poser.

Imagine policeman clothes became trendy and the REAL trendsetters started to obey the law 100%? Maybe that's how world peace can be achieved - make police clothes the coolest. Or make the coolest dudes in the world into police officers and give them all skateboards and neat hairdos. I ACTUALLY think that would work.

Hunk and babe cool cops fighting crime,
hunk and babe cool cops all the time.
Hunk and babe cool cops world peace,
hunk and babe cool cops calm the Middle East.
baby baby ohhh yeah honey honey, motherfuckers better stop doin' all the silly cri-ee-yime!!

^
That's the theme song of the future world police force.

Back to business...

I think I got the short end of the stick man. These days hobbies aren't attached to style as much. All you have to do is go buy some clothes. Back then even if you showed up to school wearing the latest "threads" you weren't cool until you proved you could do the "cool moves" on your "sticky doodle". If you only had the clothes you were a poser and you looked worse than you did before when you wore your yellow overalls and Disney hat. So listen up teen of today - you have it pretty good. Except that you're pressured to have sex earlier. I didn't have that.

Last night I watched this documentary called "The Recruiter". First off, it was a pretty good movie. It's about the U.S. Army trying to recruit youths and it's basically for liberals so they can say "ooooooooo this is dumb" which is what I was saying the whole time.



I'm no Roger Ebert because I'm not from Chicago and I don't weigh that much and I don't write movie reviews professionally so I'll spare you a full review and instead get down to the reason why I mentioned this in the first place - I could never be in the Army! The last part of the film shows some of the recruited teens in basic training, which is like opposite fun land for guys like me. All day long you do push ups while men who aren't your dad yell at you. You have to wrestle one another and eat shitty food. When you do finally get out it's pretty much guaranteed you're going to Iraq to the hornet's nest where there's a good chance you'll totally die or at least see someone die. No wonder no one wants to join!

It's like, "hey man, want money for college?"

"'Course I do!"

"All you have to do is sign your life away, leave your family and friends, go to hell camp, go to hell, maybe die, see your friends die, come back, go crazy, go back to hell probably and then you can have some money for college."

"I don't want to do that you idiot."

"All your favourite rock n roll stars did it."

"Like who?"

"uhhhhhhhhh..... Meetrallica?"

"Fuck you general."

"General? I wish."

Go see that movie if you want to yell at the screen and feel better about your life. I went to bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in my head. And visions of cool airplanes with TV's in 'em. It's Friday, go see a movie.

STOP IT BLOBBY

This post will begin with something personal and then go into something silly. You can read both or only one. But if you choose the wrong one I'll send your soul to the depths of the the Black Motel in beautiful Santa Cruz California. Just kidding, there is no wrong one. I said you can read both or only one! This is like a Mindtrap puzzle isn't it? Two grandmas are sitting on top of the Empire State building. One is holding a lemonade and is the other one's daughter. How is this possible? I made that one up.

Okay, so part (A) will be the personal section and part (B) will be the silly section. Ready? GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGPOOPOOGOGOGOGOGO

(A) This year I tried to write a spec script so I could become a TV writer. I got half way through and then I sort of gave up because my plot was going to the birds. A spec script is where you write a script for a show that's already on TV and then you use it to get an agent and then some work. Like most young writers out there today, I tried to write an episode of "The Office" even though I haven't seen every episode and I sometimes forget characters' names. The point of this story is that I needed something to talk about today. I do plan on finishing it at some point, but it's tough bologna for these reasons:

- I'm lazy
- I'm impatient
- I second guess a lot of my ideas
- Fear of rejection

I know I can finish it, but like any musician or welder will tell you, "Writing a song/welding is easy. But writing a good song/welding real nice is tough".

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(B) In beard news, I've got one going full-force. Having a beard is really good because people think you're a real man and it turns your face into a lawn, on which you can mow and pattern you desire. When I have a beard going, I play with it a lot, almost obsessively to the point where I end up shaving it all off because I'm sick of touching it even though I can't stop. I'm really going to let this one rip though. Unless I get a job interview. I kind of wish that grooming didn't exist and everyone just walked around with beards and long manes. Technically that's what people are supposed to look like. Beard man is the default man - Beard man with long, talon-like fingernails and long hair. If you ever see a guy like this on the street, don't mock him - he should be mocking you. He's the normal one. You're just a future man with non-functional aesthetic trims. The only time a random girl has ever talked to me on a streetcar I happened to be brandishing a moustache. Has this paragraph opened your mind? Has it changed your perspective? That's okay, I'm just glad you're here, you know?


Which did you like better, A or B? The more sensitive people are going to say A and the bozos are going to pick B. By the way, the answer to that seemingly impossible Mindtrap question I posed earlier about the grandmas is that the one grandma gave the other a lemonade to say she's her daughter because she wanted to feel young again. They're on the Empire State Building because it's all a dream. I think that's why.

STICK YOUR KNEE OUT THE WINDOW

What a sunny day today! What a sunny day!

A few weeks ago me and the gang made a silly video and today I uploaded it to the Internet. So here it is:



It features one of my favourite songs, "The Neutron Dance" by the Pointer Sisters. It reminds me of my mom doing aerobics in the living room, even though I don't think she even used this song. She jived to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack. If I were going to do aerobics, I'd do the Neutron Dance all day long. I'd drink plenty of fluids and eat TONS of bananas because they give you power. Imagine scientists discovered that grass was the best thing humans could eat and all of sudden everyone started eating it? Suburban yards became million dollar crops and if you were to look out the window you'd see people on their hands and knees eating grass? No one would dare mow!

My new place doesn't have laundry facilities so I made sure that washed all my clothes at my old house before I moved. The only problem is that I left them in the washing machine too long and now all my clothes smell sour. BACKFIRED. They're also all wrinkly and if you were to ask anyone who knows me what I hate doing the most they'd say:

"I don't know. He hates.... I don't know... country music? Lamb chops? Rubber bands?"

That's wrong dad!

I hate ironing!

It's one of those things where I know that wrinkly clothes look dumb, but I just don't care. There's also a small piece of me that believes one day the wrinkled look will be in and I'll be able to say I was on the cutting edge. I've thought about buying some new clothes but I hate boutiques and everything is so expensive. Instead I think I'll save up for a nice, big, orange, full, daring, lucky, vivid, lusty painting or something like that.

MORE ON BABIES, LESS ON PUDDINGS

If you read gossip magazines and love celebrity culture, then you must have noticed how many stars are having kids these days. People are saying that having sex and then birthing the product (babies) is now trendy amongst the Hollywood elite, just as magnetic rope necklaces are popular amongst pitchers in the big leagues because they apparently make you better, albeit at the cost of looking like a complete turd. In both cases there's something sinister and magical going on, as somehow half of these new celebrity parents seem to be having twins. Am I the only one that finds this strange? Probably not. You've thought about it right? Now you're reading this and skipping to the bottom becuase you've gone over the Hollywood twin debate a million times with your friends during nights of Cheetos and Balderdash. Well whatever. Some people need to know this stuff. Some people still don't know who Seth Rogen is. These are the people we need to reach, so shut up, sit there and deal with this twin stuff until I move on to something you'll enjoy. Do you like fables? No? Okay, later I'll talk about something good, but not fables.

Let's get back to it. I remember a time when twins were as rare as a picture of James Tolkan with hair. According to wikipedia, "The current rate in the United States is 31 twin births per 1,000 women", and yet the rate in Hollywood is more like 1 in 3. This must mean that doctors in L.A. know how to give you twins. I'll bet they can also cure baldness and zits no problem. You think some starlets go in to the doctor and are like, "I'll take some new tits, a pair of twins, some new hair, a new butt and..... do you guys have subs? Turkey? Yeah two of those and a cranberry juice. How much? 5 million? Okay make it three subs."

The doctor then says, "No problem at all. What are you going to name the twins once you pop 'em?"

"Football Jesus Horse Phalp Johnson for the boy and Stiletto Handbag Swiffer Wet Jet Lisa Johnson for my baby girl."

"Will she want new tits?"

"Yeah I'd better get her those. Babies don't have big ones do they?"

"Some do."

"Really?"

"No you idiot."

The star's last name is "Johnson" in this case. I made it up. Insert your favourite star's last name for it to be more effective. I didn't want to name names.

Everyone's trying to cash in on this trend including those guys from TLC with their hit show about these two lunatics with 8 kids called Jon and Kate Plus 8, a show that's on about 9 times a day. The funny thing is that you watch the show and you're like "ohhh man these people are dumb." But the last two times I've watched it, TLC follows it up with different shows about multiples like "Livin' with 16" or "Doin' it with 20" and all of a sudden 8 kids doesn't seem like that many.

That concludes the section on Hollywood twins. For the people that didn't like that, here's my review of Big Top Pee-Wee, a film I haven't seen since I was twelve:

In this movie, Pee-Wee has this blond girlfriend and they eat a picnic lunch one day and he throws his egg salad sandwich away that she makes him but he still loves her. Then the circus comes to town and Pee-Wee and his pig let the circus stay at his farm that has a futuristic greenhouse where he grows hot dogs. Pee-Wee falls for that chick from Hot Shots, and his girlfriend finds out because she sees the sandwich he threw away floating in a river. To get revenge she starts dating the Pickalapookala brothers. Then they put on a performance and Pee-Wee does his funny dance on the tightrope. A great sequel to Pee-Wee's first film. I give it two bum-bums in the air.

That's all from memory. Let's see how much I got right:

In the sequel to "Pee Wee's Big Adventure", Pee-Wee Herman is a simple farmer in a small town. But soon a big storm blows their way. A circus ends up at Pee Wee's farm. So he let's the circus stay at his farm for a while. The circus decides to put on a show with one lovable star - Pee-Wee!

I was spot on (sort of)! I almost got those guys' last name right too. Apparently it's "Piccolapupula".

I have a really good memory and if you tell me your name and favourite waterslide I'll never forget.

Regards,

Glenn William Macaulay

MY BABIES AREN'T GOOD

I was talking with my mom a couple of days ago, and the subject of ADD and ADHD came up for some reason. That same night my cousin who's 2 or 3 whizzed on the floor. But back to the ADD. Either I have ADD or ADHD, or I'm just really impatient. I can't complete a task unless it's very interesting, or if I get on a role while trying to complete it. I can finish a book no problem, but back in University, I barely ever read an entire assigned reading because they were simply too boring. This blog is a shining example of my inability to sit still. Here's a typical thought process:

1) Alright dude, time to write on that Internet site you do

2) What should I talk about? How about my trip to the Fall Fair

3) Okay yeah. Fall Fair. I saw my friend Harry, ate 5 candy apples, saw a ghost, won a Smurf and stole some raspberry delights. Now all I have to do is write about it.

4) Fall Fair blah blah, this isn't very interesting, let's talk about poo.

In fact, point number four pretty much sums up my sense of humour. Perhaps I'll make it my new motto. Do people have mottos anymore? "Motto"... that'd be a good name for a tough guy in a wussy play. A play about a girl who moves to a small town where she gets a job at an exotic pet store frequented by a gang of greasers (because they like snakes and lizards). Their leader named Motto Manzini tries repeatedly to get the girl to join the Python Pack (his gang). Then the son of the owner of the pet store comes back to town after spending the last four years in Hong Kong because he got a karate scholarship and well, the rest writes itself.

Did you click on that "son" link? Holy cow that's gross. If my wife took a picture of me holding up my new kid in that state I'd probably yell at her. It's like if you had a dirty old dog and you knew he was going to die soon, but instead of taking pictures of it alive and chasing balls, you take pictures of its corpse lying near the shed. Is it like that? I think it is, but like reversed. You know what I mean though right? All they needed to do to make that picture suitable would be to do one of two things: Either wrap that thing in a blanket or simply wipe all that shit off. MAN. That bun is right out of the oven. Are doctors even allowed to let you hold a baby that fresh? I don't think they are. Even if they are, would you want to? He's not even wearing gloves! Then again, I know as much about child birth as I do about Cricket, so I may be way off.

What are you going to be for Halloween? Last year I was a cat, so this year I think I might try to go as a chef.

Thanks a lot for paying attention today. In conclusion, let's go for peanuts tomorrow night instead of golf. Remember we talked about that? YEAH

A REGULAR MAN'S GUIDE TO TIFF 08

The title is true this time!

Every September, Toronto hosts a film festival and every year it seems to get bigger and bigger. Sure, this a big thing for people from Hollywood and for idiots and loose women who want to try to party with them, but does this mean for a guy like me? Or a girl like you!? Or that kid beside you who started school on Tuesday and is like "wawawawawa I just want a new cell phone, and a laptop. I hate my teacher Mrs. Mort. AHHHHHH let's have pizza forever, wwawawawa"? Do you really want to know? Of course you do, because you're a great person and everyone likes you.

Here's the guide. Do me a favour okay? Print it out, and go glue it to some car windshields. That's how US Weekly got so popular. Back then, they didn't even have pictures and most of the articles were recipes that were healthy, delicious and ready in 10 minutes.

TIFF '08 - The films

September rolls around and a regular man is in a bad mood because summer's almost over and he remembers that he hasn't gone swimming yet. Back to school frenzy begins and he's happy that all the little dicks have to go back to something most of them hate because he had to work all summer and his job stinks nuts. Local media starts reporting on the upcoming festival and we start to hear about the films, and subsequent stars, that will appear and litter Yorkville with million dollar haircuts, complicated coats and that rare.... fruit....that they always eat. You know? Like, small bananas. He may take a few minutes to check if there's any films he might want to see and may make a small list, because a regular man likes movies and must admit that the festival is kind of exciting. Tickets go on sale and a regular man tries to get them on the Internet. The website is too busy and he doesn't get tickets. He gets mad and says to himself, "fuck this. I'm not going". Then someone says, "just go to the box office." Then he says back, "fuck you. Whatever." Then he goes to see the same movies in the theatre a few months later for half the price.

TIFF '08 - The parties

A regular man notices that when the festival is on, the streets are busy with girls wearing dresses that wouldn't fit a hobbit and dudes that look so stupid that if they got mad at you and wanted to fight you, you know you could outsmart them and make them buy you Burger King somehow. The parties have begun to eclipse the films themselves, with local media and local clubs acting like a dweeb in high school who's parents are going away. This is his time to be cool and invites the most popular people in school who don't give a shit about the dweeb, because all they want to do is party and wreck things and are happy they have a place to do it. A regular man isn't invited to any of these parties and wouldn't dare try getting into one for fear of rejection and standing outside for two hours, when he could be at home baking or putting together cool models of boats or planes. He instead walks the streets en route to his friend's house where they'll play video games and when he gets there he goes on a rant about the morons he saw, like that girl that couldn't walk in her shoes and who's dress almost exposed her bare butt.

TIFF '08 - Conclusion

A regular man doesn't go to any films or any parties and gets mad because he realizes how silly it all is because all these rich people just hang out together and party for free, while journalists and bloggers try to get in and brag to each other and the general public as to how much fun they're having and how many free drinks they've been getting. All the while teachers start work and make barely anything in comparison and the police have to stop solving crimes and instead make sure normal people don't get anywhere near the rich people, while also getting paid a fraction of what the stars, publicists, producers, club owner's etc. get for doing the stupidest stuff.

That got heavy at the end huh? And guess what? The "regular man" is me! I'm regular! I have an idea for a new product called "The Beach Pillow" and if I ever sell it and make a million dollars, and if I get invited to fancy parties, I'll try to stay regular although I'll probably be draped in gold and women wearing snakeskin thingies. I went to a Just for Laughs party once that was fancy and I spent the whole time giggling and trying to find more free mini burgers. I will never change you guys. NEVER. NEVER AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhhAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHWHOAHAHAHAFRIESHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHASPIDERMANHAHAHAHOH YWEAH

GORD YOU

In that last post I wrote something silly in the Spaceballs Face Balls section, but something went wrong and it erased and so I had to make up that thing about buying you guys plants, which quite frankly, I'm not too pleased with. Trying to remember what I had before is straight killin' me. I know it ended with the word "duh", which means it was something obvious. If you were one of the lucky ones who read it before it got erased, please contact the Ontario Provincial Police, violent crimes division and ask for Captain Vinegar Thystryph. He'll take care of the rest. (He'd better, he's my damn cousin!)

YOU GOT BABY BEL?

I was trying to think of a food to put in the title of this entry, and the first three that came to mind were "cheese", "chicken" and "gravy". I talk about that stuff too much around here so I went with Baby Bel, the delicious little cheese that comes in cool nets. Imagine McGuyver was sponsored by Baby Bel and every episode he used the wax and the nets in his inventions but he NEVER used the cheese? He always eats it even if it could be used and when he's done eating he looks at the camera and says "I never waste my Baby Bel".

Does anyone remember the song from Spaceballs that was like "SPACEBALLS do do do do do" (download here http://www.geocities.com/yank2010/song.htm) that sounds like Peter Gabriel's "Big Time"? Every time I log into Facebook, I sing "Face Balls!" to the tune of the Spaceballs song. EVERY TIME. Here's a fun question: what do you sing when you log into your favourite websites? Let me know and I'll send you a plant.

A lot of blogs are by people who watch a lot of TV and then complain about it all day long. I watch a fair bit myself but I don't talk about it much. The other night I tried watching the new 90210 and it was as bad as YOUR attitude when I asked you to steal Penelope Cruz's bra that time we all went to Spain for that cool and colourful carnival, remember?

Basically the show took all the bad parts of the OC and all the bad parts of Degrassi and combined them into one horrible stew of undercooked beef and vegetables and with little to no seasoning. The writing was trite and the acting was wooden, although the two Canadians in the cast were actually pretty good. The only way this show will survive is if they somehow convince the entire old cast to come back and have them solve a murder mystery on a remote island and maybe they form some sort of tiki band and the Beach Boys show up and play with them but then a water bear eats the beach boys and the water bear ends up being Luke Perry's long lost baseball coach. THERE. I SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM SHOW. I didn't pay attention to the second half of the show because I was writing the last blog entry which deserves the Emmy for best writing (drama or variety show).

HISTORIC HAMBURGER OF THE MONTH

The McDLT. When I was a kid and we went to McDonalds, my dad always got this guy, so I always considered it an adult burger. It was so dumb! It was just a burger but it had lettuce and tomato. Bacon wasn't introduced by McDonalds until like 5 years ago, and yet it remains the most popular burger outfit in the world. The big gimmick was that the customer was to assemble the burger themselves by putting the "hot side" on the "cold side". Here you go:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zL2c6NSVAvA

YOYO COME OVER TO MY LAND

I no longer live in the place that I lived before you guys. That means I moved to a new one. Like most humans, I don't enjoy the process of moving. I have the strength of an athletic 12 year old and boy, do I hate boxes! I don't really hate boxes. I engineered my move so that I wouldn't have any big stuff to haul because as I mentioned before, I'm a girl-armed wiener who hates doing things. My load consisted mostly of comics, clothes, CDs and DVDs and I had my mom's Ford Focus brand auto-car to drive everything over to my new place which I have dubbed, "Bruce Wayne's other house in Canada (Toronto)". Bed etc. was coming from my girlfriend because her stuff is better than mine. This was going to be the easiset move ever right audience? It wasn't that bad but here's what happened sort of:

Sunday night I decided to move a couple of loads following my cousin's wedding. I was tired yet determined, just like a NASA spacenaut, so with the help of my brother we headed over to Bruce Wayne's other house in Canada (Toronto). The first piece of shit that flew in my face was when I realized that the keys that were cut for me might as well have been cut by David Crosby riding a donkey in a hurricane. That means that they weren't very good and I had a lot of trouble opening the door. It got to the point where they didn't work at all. But I managed to get a lot done and was fairly confident going into day 2.

DAY 2 - The Day the Earth Stood There

I woke up at a reasonable hour to pick up my girlfriend/new roomate so she could meet her dad at the our new place because he had her stuff. Get it? It doesn't matter guy. Just keep eating that orange and don't forget to eat the peel! I helped Liv's dad move some big heavy things into the apartment, because Liv can't lift anything except pillows and aluminum stuff (light metal right?). We had to move this gigantic oak unit up some stairs and I almost died. I swore like my old man and was kind of embarassed. By then I was kind of mad because my brilliant moving plan didn't include lifting things, although I really didn't mind helping out because that's what a Jedi would do. I tried to go back to my old house to get the last of my stuff but thanks to the Labour Day parade, a drive that would've taken five minutes took forty. I shit my pants on the way and a cop stopped me for speeding. When I rolled down the window he said "Smells like shitty garbage in here son. Are you a dumb garbage man or did you just shit your pants? Oh yeah I see the shit, you shit your pants. Here's a ticket."

Hahahahah I wish. I don't have any good stories like that

It did actually take 40 minutes to get home and when I got there I couldn't find anything to put my clothes in and I realized we left our old house in a terrible state for the nice new dudes to move in. When I got back to the new place with my undies scattered all over the car my shitty keys didn't work so I had to wait for Liv to get back. I helped her move more stuff and her and her dad helped me with my stuff, including my scattered undies. Then I drove a microwave to my brother just like in the movies! That's about it I guess. I wanted to go swimming all day but I never did which means I've gone all summer without swimming in a damn pool. Help me!!!

In retrospect, it wasn't that bad but I'm a lot like Napoleon - if a plan doesn't follow through, I get mad. I love wine gums!!!