YESTERDAY I WAS FEELING GOFSY BUT TODAY I'M FAIRLY THYD

Year after year the mainstream media, people who hate themselves and elementary school classes use the coming of January 1st to set their "New Year's Resolutions" in an attempt to entertain, better their lives and not do math, respectively. What a lot of people don't realize is that every major holiday and yearly milestone comes with their own unique calls to action, which some of you may adhere to depending on your religion, race, or proximity to a sea. Let's go through these today so that on the weekend you can think about which ones you want to try out instead of wasting money on dates with girls and Bourbon Whopper combos.

Easter Bum Outs

This relatively new tradition started sometime in the early 1990's when Easter started losing ground in popularity to extreme sports and rap music. The goal is to predict what exactly will bum you out from Easter to next Easter. This way you're prepared for the inevitable bummers that go along with any human year. Per the tradition, if you experience a bummer you predicted at any point during the year you're supposed to shout out "Predicted Bummer, don't worry be happy" and then drink a shot of something, or if you're a kid you get pancakes in the morning.

Halloween Meat Wishes

After stuffing yourself silly with salty sweets while dressed as something abnormal, your body craves the unique nutrition of animal meat. The World Health Organization in association with the Internet began Halloween Meat Wishes to ensure that people get excited about meat leading to the setting of their meat goals for the year. Traditionally, you're supposed to write your 365 most desired meats on ping balls, then every day you blindly choose a ball, cover it in glue then throw it at a meat board that has a bunch of different cooking methods on it. Next, give the sauce wheel a spin and you're ready to go.

Thanksgiving Pants List

The idea for the Thanksgiving Pants List was hatched when 42 year old Warren "Soupy" Del Métis ate so much turkey and stuffing that his pants exploded. He had that old pair of Lee's since he stopped growing but was sort of excited for the opportunity to go pants shopping for the first time in 23 years. He got his family and friends involved and they all made lists of the pants they'd want to buy or maybe just take for a spin in the coming year. This has become an annual tradition the world over and if you've never heard of it you must be some sort of ignorant dunce.

Christmas Over/Under Puke Pool

What started as an underground betting sensation has become a universally loved holiday tradition. Families and circles of friends come up with an arbitrary number and then everyone decides whether they'll puke more or less than that number throughout the year. By the time Christmas rolls around again, whoever was most wrong has to ingest all the year's puke which everyone saved up and then the whole gang sings "Jingle Bells".

That wraps up this week's content, which included some fun stuff about names, an unpopular piece on poo and this enlightening post on made up traditions that are like New Year's Resolutions. This weekend I think you should buy some rope just in case something happens.