IN OUR TOWN THE POLICE CHIEF IS CALLED 'THE ROYAL BOSS'

THE VITAL SIGNS

Temperature

Cold. I should've fattened up with tacos and deep fried peanut butter before winter reared its rear, but I stuck to the four majors instead and am now paying the price. The heating system in our apartment is sub-par, just like the temperature, so blankets have been deployed to all major sitting and lying areas. Does anyone have a toilet solution? If I were rich I'd make sure mine was filled with boiling water so every drop-off would be like a trip to the hot springs. The steam might cause some olfactory issues though.

Fashion

I bought some new brown cor - door - roys a little while back to replace an old pair of browns whose crotch perished some time ago. I bought them too hastily though, and from the first few wears determined they're a bit too long and dumpy. They're going to remain in the rotation, but I bought an auxiliary pair today at H&M, a place that's like a tropical jungle of clothes, where there are no rules and pants live alongside vests and not with the rest of their kind. So yeah, it took me a while to find the right ones. Just give me a damn dedicated pants section you twerps. Also, this little kid kept going back to the change room and yelling at his apparently fat friend "Guzman" to "hurry up" because there was no way he was going to fit into those "skinny pants". Good burns coming from that little kid, but so embarrassing for Guzman.

Haircuts

Haircuts are tough when your hair cuts itself by falling out, but regardless I'm not quite Patrick Stewart enough to keep it buzzed or fully scalped all the time. I finally smartened up though, and went to the Asian barbers in Chinatown who only charge six dollars and do a quick and efficient job. Plus, you don't even need to make small talk because they barely know English.

Those are today's vital signs. Today you should throw a dart at a large world map and decide something based on where it lands. Like if it lands on "Botswana" you should research hippos, learn Setswana or weave a basket. Let the dart determine thine fate, okay?