EVERYTHING IS BACK TO WHERE IT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO, NO GOOD

Let's put current events (weather, Gaza Strip, New Year babies, football playoffs, celebrity birthdays) on the back burner for a second and instead talk about history. History of me. Duh. That's what this thing is all about - Me. My. Mine. I. Specifically I thought I'd tell you guys about my musical history, a facet of my life not generally reported by major North American media. This is the true story. Final word. If you're ever in an argument with a guy and he says that I was in a band called the Toot Boats or whatever then you can come here and check because this is where it's all going to be puked. One spot. Clean. Definitive.

I remember in grade six these older grade 8 guys played a talent show and they were in a band and it set the school on fire and everyone wanted to be in a band after that like when yoyos got big in that episode of the Simpsons. I decided that in order to impress the post pubescent crop of seventh grade chicks I'd have to keep up with the times and learn the guitar. My parents were hesitant to buy me one because they were scared I wouldn't keep up with it and they also figured that if I was to learn I'd have to learn proper and start with the acoustic guitar which I had no interest in. That's like wanting pizza but getting raisins instead. So in grade seven they rented me an electric guitar for Christmas which was a good idea just in case I hated it. I got signed up for lessons with this guy around the corner and started my odyssey. <---hyperbole. I just got guitar lessons. No big deal.

My teacher was this guy in a Christian rock band who had a studio in his parent's basement. My mom was scared he was trying to convert me to his church, but he was just a really nice guy who liked talking about church. I think I went for 1.5 years and learned some Metallica songs and how to play the drums. At some point my dad bought me a guitar too. That's big. I wanted a Fender Stratocaster but the guy at the store sold me on an Ibanez that I never really liked.

My friends and I started band called "Jamal Inc. " and we made really stupid songs about people being gay and stuff. Think about the dumbest thing you've ever heard and then imagine something 1000 times worse and you'd get us. Teenagers right? What a bunch of guys. We'd also sleep over at each other's houses and then sneak out at night and put BBQ sauce on cars. Imagine the musical equivalent of that.

This is too long. Are you still interested in this?

Post Jamal Inc. I didn't play much until grade 11 when I met my friends that I still have to this day. I bought a new amp and a new guitar and we started a band called the Horsekateers that played weezer covers as well as originals such as "Chocolate Dog" "Farm Arms" some song about caves, song for James Bond movie our friends made and one about this little shithead guy we knew. We won a talent show and generally had a lot of fun. Too bad technology wasn't bigger back then because if it was I would probably be able to point you to a poorly filmed youtube clip of us playing at a dance or something. Similarily, it's too bad that hologram technology isn't up to snuff right now or else I'd be on your couch or toilet telling you this L-I-V-E.

2001

In university I started making silly hip hop beats and myself and two friends formed a fake hip hop group called tha So Clar Crew. It consisted of us poorly freestyling while drunk and making beats with as many samples from silly films as we could. I also made started an electronica side project called "The Popcorn Twins" but it's been idle since I haven't been able to use the software I normally use to make the songs because it's not available on Mac computers.

Today I still play guitar a bunch but I don't think I'll ever be in a band again because I'm uncomforatable collarborating with musicians. When I get home I'll scan an old band picture and you'll piss gravy with excitement and wonder.

THERE. Was that so bad? Full chapter of my life explained in a clear and concise manner. Does it get any better than that? That was the best thing you'll experience in the month of January unless you go to the ROM to see the dinosaurs, which is Toronto's best value! Don't go to the snack bar though. Shitty burgers. Blah blah fries. Frowns as far as the eye can see. I dropped a sandwich and didn't pick it up. Bad guys working grills. See? I bet those guys make jokes all the time like when they make a good pizza they say "This thing is so good it belongs in a museum, HAR!" It already is right? Yeah?