IT'S MONDAY FOR ALL OF US SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE OUT HERE TOSSIN' RADISHES AND DOIN' THE SPLITS

I once made up a catchphrase, "Let's make like a squirrel and get nuts". It's something you should say before you go to a really ripping party.

I have to admit you guys, I'm not very motivated at the moment. I don't have much to say about this past weekend and nothing funny has happened to me today so far. Quickly lower ALL expectations, go grab a sports drink, put on your reading glasses and put the kids to bed, because you're in for a BuMpY ride! Here's a quick weekend wrap-up called "Good and Bad".

GOOD

My dad fixed my hard drive and we ate Korean BBQ with my brother. Three Macaulay men and several trays of meat. That's winter living man. After that I decided I wasn't going to do anything all day because I was still kind of hungover from Friday. Which reminds me:

Friday I had a nice little night out at the Magpie on Dundas for a friend's birthday. Sometimes situations aren't funny, but just straight up nice, so I don't have any anecdotes to go along with this experience. My experimentation with vodka has been working out just fine, and I found my hangover to be pretty good compared to beer hangovers which usually involve stomach irratation and discomfort which means if you come over you'd probably find me in the bathroom.

I went to a read through of a new play that I might be in, which is encouraging news because extra curricular activities are the mouthwash to the plaque and gingivitis that is work.

BAD

We lost another floor hockey game and I pulled something in my arm that hurts in a bad way. It don't hurt so good. Nothing hurts good. Up yours Mellancamp. You stink. I hate John Mellancamp. That is a Mellancamp song isn't it? If not, so embarrased. I still hate him though. Why would I listen to John Mellancamp when there exits men like Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen? The only good thing about John Cougar is his cover of "Wild Nights".

It was total bullshit on Friday night when it started to get freezing cold. That's bad for sure. It's getting to that point in the winter when it starts bothering me. The only positive is that I've started wearing scarves consistently and they work! I thought people wore them mainly for fashion which is why I've shunned them for so long. But when used properly, your neck will kiss you a hundred times because it's warm and happy.

Okay, so I guess the weekend wasn't so bad. Just not very productive. It seems I have the attitude of a farmer. If things aren't being produced I get in a shhhitty mood, even if my kid wins the science fair or my wife bakes a pie. Those were the only things I could picture happening in a farmer's life other than farming. A farmer could win the lottery, but if his beets aren't ready, he shits bricks. I don't know if that's true actually.

I was also in a stink this morning because I bought all these groceries but I didn't have enough time to make something to take to work. Would that make you mad? Sometimes I'm stupid, I'll admit. That's stupid. There's kids out there who eat crackers for dinner and there's guys on the street who drink varnish for lunch and I'm mad that I didn't make a damn salad. SHAME ON ME.

Here's a childhood tale:

My best friend's older brother had a friend named Mandeep and when my friend told me about him I thought he meant his name was "Man Deep" which is the coolest name I've ever heard. Maybe it'll become my next hip hop alter ego, although it's a little too close to "Mobb Deep". Those guys don't mess around. I don't want any beef with them. I'd eat beef with them. I'd eat beef with lots of guys. That'd be a good lyric to a hip hop song: "I don't start beef, I just eat it, so get in your car, and just beat it". That last part sucks. How about: "I don't start beef, I just eat it, hot off the grill, or simply reheated." YEAH, I like that way more. FOOD.

So was that bad? I can't tell really. Let me know. Drop me a line. I watched Tropic Thunder finally. I thought it was really funny at parts, but it dragged a bit and there were way too many dick jokes. Like 2 dick jokes every 5 minutes. And too many stars. Tom Cruise didn't make me laugh at all. I hope you had fun today. I gave it my all!