January 21, 2009


ALLLLLLRIIIIIGGHHHT, a new American President, a new January day, no new stuff though. I don't buy things that often which allows me to save $$$$$$zZZZZzzzzzzzzz. If I shaved and regrew lost hair, I could throw on an high school outfit right now, go back in time, go to high school and do everything that I regret I didn't do - bang more chicks, duh!!!!!!! Just kidding. My high school experience was just fine. No wedgies, no fights, good tunes, good brew, good buds.

See that? I don't by new stuff so I have a lot of clothes that I had in high school. Now that I think about it, that's kinda shitty as high school was almost 10 years ago I think - maybe 7 or 8 years. I'm 26, you can work that out. The What Not to Wears would not be happy with me. But they're not always right I guess. Who made them boss? The big wigs at TLC? The fat cats in the White House? The Catholic Church? Parker Bros.? Nope. None of these. Who made them boss then? You. The fans. The fans who tune in to support a show about self-esteem. It may be a rocky ride, but in the end these people gain the self-confidence to live their lives the way they were supposed to be lived - buying clothes and having a really good job to go along with it. BIZ CAJJJJJJJJJ

That was the intro! Like a late night show's monologue. Did it grab your attention and give you a slight case of the chuckles?? 'Slight' is key because you don't want people laughing so much that they need to leave the room to shit or puke meaning they miss the interview with the glamourous stars of Hollywood film and television. Here's a quick one with Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder:

Me - So Jon, tell me, what's up next you, what are you working on?
Jon - Nothin'.
Me - Why don't you record an album or something?
Jon - I already did.
Me - Oh! What's that called?
Jon - Napoleon Dynamite.
Me - Really? I guess that's kinda funny.
Jon - It's about a nerd who can't seem to fit in anywhere and his family is nuts.
Me - ....yeah I've seen the movie.
Jon - No no, this is the album

Okay, without further ado I present my brand new, previously mentioned feature called....


Remember? I'm going to now paste in a true story I told via LiveJournal. This story isn't really embarassing at all, but don't worry, all the rest of the stuff I'll post later will be pretty dumb on my part. You can see how I've evolved! From being stupid dumb to silly dumb. There's a difference!

March 5th, 2007

On Saturday we went to this bar in Little Italy we go to sometimes because there's never anyone there and they have a a good jukebox. But this time, this mob goon fresh out the joint showed up all drunk and stoned and he showed us his muscles, which were ample, and said he'd been shot 6 times. He then started to show us his wounds and when he showed us his back, Dave goes "you got shot in the back, yeah right," and then the guy was going to beat dave into submission for disrespecting him, and I don't think he was joking. He didn't though, because dave pleaded with him not to. After he calmed down a little I asked him who the toughest guy he fought was and he talked about this French guy in Sault St Marie. After he beat the shit out of this guy he went back a while later and the guy shot him and he shot back.

Then he babbled on for a long time about the Hell's Angels, the mob, fighting, killing and jail and he took a shining to me and said if I ever needed anything he's got my back and he said this with the utmost intensity. Then he said he trusted me but he didn't trust anyone else at the table (Dave, Butler, and Butler's girlfriend, ahahah). When I was getting up to leave he was still talking and he told me to sit the fuck down and not to disrespect him. Naturally, I obeyed and felt like I would never leave this bar. He mentioned coming to his buddy's after hours bar and we all said no and he called us all women and had this serious theory about how he has the right to take any woman he wants out on a date as long as he doesn't bang her, or as he said "cut another man's grass". We all agreed although we all really disagreed.

The shit hit the fan when he took out a baggie of cocaine and asked if we did it, which of course none of us do. He snorted some off a key and at that point we were all scared he was going to make us do cocaine. Then, like out of a movie, the drunkest guy in the bar stumbled over and called him a fuckin asshole or something and you'd better believe my man wasn't happy. We took this distraction as a blessing and we ran out of there. I ran to safety at Andy's house.

I really thought that guy was going to kill someone that night. When I say "I ran to Andy's house" I literally ran. That's all for today. I can't tell you what's going to happen tomorrow though. MYSTERY THURSDAYS.

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