January 30, 2009


Hi, my name is Edmunt Yernm, personal injury attorney, with Yernm, Plunp & Yean. Have you been injured in a car accident, ski accident, bus accident or kitchen accident? We can't help you then. We only deal with water accidents. We've successfully sued lifeguards, coastguards, fisherman, pleasure boaters, scuba divers, dolphin traniners, marine biologists, shark men, the mayor of Atlantis, aqua cops, cast aways, pirates and Jamaicans. If you drown and almost die, I guarantee you'll get money. If you do die on the water your family will never have to work again. We know the laws of the pool, sea, river, stream, ocean, and lake just as well as we know the specifications of the boats we own and love. Want to know about my boat? It'd take all day. I'd love to do it, I really would, but you'd be bored. I'm polishing my boat as we speak. So call the experts at Yernm, Plunp & Yean and ask for me, 'Ol Big Daddy Cry Baby, and I'll help you out with your drown specific injuries.

That was a segue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to talk about my history of injuries if I haven't already. I think I might have. I should start tagging these bay-bays so that I can check. If you ever see a repeat, call me on it and I'll edit the post accordingly and put a flattering picture of you up as well so everyone will fall in love with your face and you'll be in their dreams. I had a dream where I went to Chicago with Tom Hanks. He only brought a little bag.

I've never really been injured. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this because I was about to say how I thought I was Bruce Willis in Unbreakable and that sounds way too familiar. Shit. I guess I'll do an abridged version just in case.

The worst injury I've ever had is a sprained knee I got from riding a board down an icy hill into a hydro pole. My dad told me it was a waste of time going to the hospital. I've sprained several fingers but again, my dad was resourceful and always made a splint for me. So I've never been to the hospital for any reason other than to visit someone else. Why? Probably because I'm very cautious. Does this make me a wiener? Most certainly, but as you can see, wieners come out on top, just like nerds and their high paying computer careers. Nerds have an awful time in high school, but nerds in real life run the world. It's only fair I suppose. I'm an even Steven. I wasn't a nerd in high school but by no means was I James Dean, and nowadays I'm not rich or very successful, but I'm not poor and I still have fun.

Considering I played sports for most of my childhood and well into my teens, I think this is fairly impressive. I think I've only injured one guy. My hockey team was playing against an American team and I figured I could deke out all of them because they were American, so I tried it but some guy stopped me, and I think I gave him a dirty hit and I think he cried and had to leave the game. I've never been kicked in the nuts hard enough that I puke and once my pajamas caught on fire and I received a very small burn. That's about it really.

Yesterday I listed all those websites I visit at work and reading it over today, I realized it was the most boring thing. Sorry about that. I'll try to stop bringing you into my work world, because it stinks and you shouldn't be subjected to that. Instead I'll try to bring you into THE DANGER ZONE, which is the part of my life that rules.


Matt Meat


Anonymous said...

I hope you haven't jinxed yourself!

Duke of Spook said...

Jinxing has crossed my mind, but I participate in far less physical activity than I used to. Although I did injure my arm in my last floor hockey game. It still hurts. Floor hockey could be the place the big injury happens.

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