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August 20, 2009

50 CENT ONCE TOLD ME "I CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT KIND OF SOCKS SO I KNIT MINE INSTEAD"

LOOSE ENDS - The death of my change purse


The only mystery bigger than "how did this guy get neck deep in coin?" is "what nationality is this guy?". But this biggest mystery of all is "man or woman?"

I've decided that I'm going to keep my current wallet, which does not have a built-in change pouch. "So you're buying a new change purse then? You continue to be a girl trapped in a shitty guy's body," you say. Nope. I'm now a complete man. I initiated a new system that involves keeping change in my pocket during transit, while a "change mug" is kept on my bureau at HQ within which coins are safely stowed until needed. I'm pretty happy with this system because it keeps my pockets light and I still get the safety of the mug. I will now only carry change when I think I'll need it (arcades etc.). I thank all of you for your support during this difficult time and I welcome your feedback regarding the issue.

That paragraph up there probably won't help in attracting new readers, but for all you members, it's a special treat that makes you feel like you're part of a team. Other perks include:

1) A Christmas party at Mandarin where I pick all buffet items. Last year I picked all stews!

2) 1 free pass to a tour of my house - "Journey into the Fabulous". Tours run every Saturday around dinner time.

3) Free hockey skills tips. You can just call me and ask about those. Free of.

The other day I was poppin' wheelies down Richmond on my bike and this guy in a car beside me was blasting some music from former TV pussy and new hot hunk, "Drake" and I heard these lyrics:

I've perfected my craft using
Tryna make some cheese off a single is a process.
GET IT? !
Craft. single. cheese. process.
Sit back and admire the talent that I possess.

At first I was like "baahahahahahahah" but then I was like "sick". There's a missing word there after "using" but none of the shitty lyrics sites had it. Here' s a Weird Al style version:

Now that I'm big I've had a million lays
savin' up to get a barbecue, and poker chips wif a bag

GET IT? !

Lays. Barbecue. Chips. Bag.

Sit back and check out this blue silk rag.

Okay, so mine aren't nearly as good, which probably explains why I'm not rich and sort of dating Rihanna.

Now picture me riding off into the sunset on a boat with a parachute attached to it and the person in the parachute is a naked chick and she's eating pizza. If I get rich this will happen.

10 comments:

highwaisted said...

ahhahahahahaahah good post. i especially like the last paragraph. naked chicks eating pizza has got to be in the top 10 best things in the world right?

i disagree with your change purse ixnay. you never know when you need a loonie or something and now you wont even have that option, you'll just have to keep breaking bills. however, you will look more ballin because of that and having all that change in the mug could potentially give you a really sick lunch one day.

Duke of Spook said...

The breaking bills thing is bothering me, but your point about the sick lunch is what's keeping the idea alive. In public I break bills, but while at home base I'll have a chest of coins ready to go. All my subs will be paid with change

cara said...

i'm not a fan of your coin idea, because i think life should be a bit more spontaneous than that. you NEVER KNOW when you may need a toonie!!!!
i found the part about the mandarin and "all stews" super duper funny for some reason.

Duke of Spook said...

I really thought I'd have more support on this change issue. I'm willing to bet the dudes support me.

scott said...

What if you accidentally drink your change?

On the one hand, you'd be carrying around your change. On the other, you wouldn't have any access to it. In the end, I'm pretty sure poo coins aren't appreciated.

Anonymous said...

If guys are carrying these "man bags" or whatever they're called and that is supposed to be cool(or is it, I;m not sure) then it must be o.k. to have a wee change purse-maybe call it a pouch, that sounds more manly. You could get one of those pouch type things that attaches to a belt (sort of boy scoutish).

Duke of Spook said...

hmmm yeah, boy scout style, I like that.

I think the thing that made it so feminine was the brand - Montreal designers "matt & nat". Every time I'd bring it out girls would be like "hey girly". Whatever. It was brown. Colour of man.

Anonymous said...

and poo coins

Duke of Spook said...

yes, and poo coins

Rachael said...

My step grandpa has this circle rubber thing that when you squeeze it, has a slit that opens where you can get change.

It looks like a vagina and always freaks me out. Especially because the vagina pays YOU.

backwards vortex world.

see image here
http://raygaysales.com/store/images/CHANGE%20PURSE.jpg

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