A TREATISE ON PAMPERS

You want to know something about me?

I don't smell ever.

I don't sweat the much, and if I do it's odourless AND I keep my feet fresh and pristine. I fart occasionally but if you ask me, farting is like our secondary respiratory system, so if you don't fart it's like you don't breath and therefore you're an extra terrestrial or a really tight wound idiot.

Let's expand on the feet topic.

I think we should shoot this image into space with a caption that reads "human face" and no alien will ever want to invade us

At some point the girl who lives with me noticed how smooth and baby soft my little feeties are. She was like "my feet are covered in shitty skin and they're hard as rocks. What's your secret?" The answer is of course "socks".

I've been a sock guy my whole life. I enjoy their comfort, their warmth and most importantly, their protection. A lot of people overlook that third attribute. They figure, "it's summer! I want to be as naked as possible and eat watermelon all the time." So there they are, on the beach, stepping on sand, crabs, garbage, and bird shit not once stopping to think about their tires. I don't like watermelon either by the way.

The only feet trouble I've ever had is when I bought this rad pair of Converse shoes at Value Village that were too small. I wore them anyway and so I got ingrown toenails, which is like having a toothache sub-butt. It only helped to remind me how important feet are. I still bear the scars of that experience. My big toe nails are curvy and I keep them cut long because of doctor's orders, so I kind of look like a bear down there.

This part of my personality I got from my dad. His feet look like mine and we both hate sand and watermelon while having the utmost respect for socks. I didn't want to bring watermelon into this but sometimes it just comes out. Why would you eat watermelon when there exists peaches and pineapple? If anyone can give me a convincing answer to that question I'll tell you ONE secret I've never told anyone.....okay I'll just tell you: