NEXT STOP - PANTY FIELDS

Yesterday marked the opening of the Toronto International Film Festival, which in simple terms is an organized eyeball fest -- people pay bucks to view films with famous beautiful people, then take to the streets to see famous beautiful people who are en route to parties to look at each other while the public goes home to discuss with others what they saw. Before you go watching things I think you should read last year's Regular Man's Guide to TIFF and also pack a jacket because it's getting nipsy out there.

I'm only planning on seeing one film during this year's fest -- a Wayne Gretzky documentary called King's Ransom, directed by Aspen Extreme's Peter Berg. The movie runs 60 minutes but the screening is two hours, so I'm hoping old Wayner will be there in the flesh so I can ask him, "can you think of the toilet you've taken the most dumps in?" My answer is for sure my parents' upstairs toilet. This is a good question to spark conversation because no one will see it coming and they'll have to do a lot of thinking in order to come up with an answer. I hope Wayne answers something like "The Stanley Cup. Next question."

I think by "TOP GUN On The Ski Slopes" they mean this movie is about two dudes who work together and are also best friends. If that's the case then "WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S On The Ski Slopes" would've also sufficed.

In other movie news, I took in a screening of Quentin "Qu Qu Bird" Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds last night. I really liked most of it, especially that rude rude scene in the bar and all the Nazi kills.

This lady beside was eating a Happy Meal or something and she was the loudest scarfer of all time. McDonald's fries are sort of crunchy, but somehow she amplified the crunch to deafening heights beyond scientific explanation. Then she scrunched the bag up a million times and made really dumb comments to the man beside her, like when one of this character's name is flashed in cool letters on the screen because he's a bad ass, she goes "that's sooooooo Tarantino". That's the kind of thing that only a true butt hole would say. Then when one of the good guys died she started cheering, which I suppose means she sides with Nazis. Actually, it's more likely that she had no idea what was going on because we're already under the assumption she's an idiot, right?

Also, I wanted to hate Brad Pitt so bad in that movie, but he was the cat's ass! If there's one acting trait I really appreciate, it's the effective delivery of the word "fuck" and "Bra Pi" nailed every single utterance.

See you later and bring me some treats!