AND IRISHMAN ONCE TAUGHT ME ABOUT CINNAMON

Hi, my name is Edmunt Yernm, personal injury attorney, with Yernm, Plunp & Yean. Have you been injured in a car accident, ski accident, bus accident or kitchen accident? We can't help you then. We only deal with water accidents. We've successfully sued lifeguards, coastguards, fisherman, pleasure boaters, scuba divers, dolphin traniners, marine biologists, shark men, the mayor of Atlantis, aqua cops, cast aways, pirates and Jamaicans. If you drown and almost die, I guarantee you'll get money. If you do die on the water your family will never have to work again. We know the laws of the pool, sea, river, stream, ocean, and lake just as well as we know the specifications of the boats we own and love. Want to know about my boat? It'd take all day. I'd love to do it, I really would, but you'd be bored. I'm polishing my boat as we speak. So call the experts at Yernm, Plunp & Yean and ask for me, 'Ol Big Daddy Cry Baby, and I'll help you out with your drown specific injuries.

That was a segue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wanted to talk about my history of injuries if I haven't already. I think I might have. I should start tagging these bay-bays so that I can check. If you ever see a repeat, call me on it and I'll edit the post accordingly and put a flattering picture of you up as well so everyone will fall in love with your face and you'll be in their dreams. I had a dream where I went to Chicago with Tom Hanks. He only brought a little bag.

I've never really been injured. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this because I was about to say how I thought I was Bruce Willis in Unbreakable and that sounds way too familiar. Shit. I guess I'll do an abridged version just in case.

The worst injury I've ever had is a sprained knee I got from riding a board down an icy hill into a hydro pole. My dad told me it was a waste of time going to the hospital. I've sprained several fingers but again, my dad was resourceful and always made a splint for me. So I've never been to the hospital for any reason other than to visit someone else. Why? Probably because I'm very cautious. Does this make me a wiener? Most certainly, but as you can see, wieners come out on top, just like nerds and their high paying computer careers. Nerds have an awful time in high school, but nerds in real life run the world. It's only fair I suppose. I'm an even Steven. I wasn't a nerd in high school but by no means was I James Dean, and nowadays I'm not rich or very successful, but I'm not poor and I still have fun.

Considering I played sports for most of my childhood and well into my teens, I think this is fairly impressive. I think I've only injured one guy. My hockey team was playing against an American team and I figured I could deke out all of them because they were American, so I tried it but some guy stopped me, and I think I gave him a dirty hit and I think he cried and had to leave the game. I've never been kicked in the nuts hard enough that I puke and once my pajamas caught on fire and I received a very small burn. That's about it really.

Yesterday I listed all those websites I visit at work and reading it over today, I realized it was the most boring thing. Sorry about that. I'll try to stop bringing you into my work world, because it stinks and you shouldn't be subjected to that. Instead I'll try to bring you into THE DANGER ZONE, which is the part of my life that rules.

Love,

Matt Meat

THERE'S SOME GOOD STUFF HERE. EGGS, WOOL, TACKS AND OF COURSE, BOOTS

Did I ever tell you I went to McMaster University? It's true. I did. What should've been a very memorable and rewarding phase of my life actually turned out to be a big blur and most of the stuff I learned there I've forgotten. My career hasn't exactly been fueled by my degree either, which I figured would be the case but wouldn't admit to myself while I was there. I read something recently that said most artists and creative types have way more education and training than any other group of duders and chickies, but make they end up making the least amount of money. I think this is because there's no middle ground. If you're an artist you're either in the poor house, eating bulk barn walnuts all day or you're stupid rich feeding your pet eagle a bowl of shark fin soup. So it probably all evens out in the end.

Perhaps I learned abstract life skills at university like how to be a man and how to think in a different way. But that stuff doesn't pay the bills, it just makes you worry more. Anyway, here's another Livejournal post from almost exactly four years ago that sums up the frustrations I endured while taking useless film classes taught by leftist feminist phd wack jobs and surrounded by people I didn't really like that much:

Jan. 27 2005

I'm taking this class called Independent film and video, which sounds really cool right? Yeah it does, that's why I took it. But instead of watching say, Reservoir Dogs or Bottle Rocket, we watch video art from Canadian feminists. Today I watched a film featuring a naked OCAD teacher re-enact a scene from Apocalypse Now. It looked like something we shot in my bloody backyard. So it really sucks bad and I always get really depressed after. I assume this happens at other schools, but it seems to happen a lot to me here at McCRAPster AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Like last year I took this class called Reading Film that was supposed to be about books and the films they were made into. COOL? NOPE. Instead my transgendered teacher turned it into a class about 'chicks with guns' and most classes ended up with debates on whether or not gender is socially constructed. It's like Jose Canseco teaching a math class but he decides that baseball is more interesting so that's what he teaches. I had no problem with feminism before, but now it bothers me as much as neat shirts that don't fit anymore.

I guess I haven't changed all that much since then. I still hate neat shirts that don't fit anymore.

Today I decided to change up my morning routine because lately I've been struggling to get to work on time. The key is to do your morning leisure activities AFTER your compulsories. So today I ate breakfast, made lunch and took a shower BEFORE seeing what the Internet had to say and before writing this thing that I'm writing right now. I've stopped writing these at work because we're getting into busy season and despite my hatred toward my position I'm not a total dick lick when it comes to doing work.

As a companion to yesterday's photo journey, here's a list of websites that I check out a million times during my day at work when there's absolutely nothing to do. This will also help for reference if I get SUPER bored and can't remember what sites I've visited.

thestar.com for all the latest news. This is where I hope to get wind of the alien visit
tsn.ca for all the latest sports
imdb.com for movie reference and movie news.
aintitcool.com for nerd news
avclub.com for cool nerd news
tmz.com to find out which celebrity is fat or on drugs or in trouble with the police or who's pregnant or who's at taco bell
fantasysports.yahoo.com to check on my pitiful fantasy sports teams
defamer.com for more celebrity news although I kind of hate it because of its format
pitchforkmedia.com to be soooooo cooooolll
mousebreaker.com has a couple of flash games I play semi-regularly
foodtv.ca for recipe ideas
torontoist.com so I know Toronto
eyeweekly.com so I know Toronto
blogto.com so I know Toronto
facebook.com duh. It's the best because it always changes. That's why it's so popular I think.
hotmail.com This couple has been sending me photos thinking I'm someone else. They also send bad forwards as if they just learned how to use email. I told them to stop and they're interested in my lineage
gmail.com hard hitting emails
wikipedia.com duh
google.com duh

And of course, all the other wonderful blogs that some of you write. You aid in getting me through the day. There's probably a few others, but I probably don't check them that often if I can't remember, you know? Now during the course of the day I'll check most of these sites at least twice. In the case of thestar.com it's more like a million times. Facebook too.

Okay, it's Thursday and you can smell the sweet scent of the weekend. It smells like marshmallows and bubble bath, right?

YESTERDAY - A PHOTOGRAPHER'S JOURNEY THROUGH THE NIGHT

My friend Jon once took pictures of every step of his day and yesterday I copied him and took photographs of every step of my day. He took more pictures. I didn't do every step because I didn't want the public thinking I was a weird beard or anything like that. This will give you an idea of what life is like for me on weekdays, the shittiest days in the week. Let's start the story train and head for LaLar Land!

Here's the desk where I composed yesterday's utterly spectacular entry sometime before I left to go to work. If this 'desk' had drawers I'd be able to put all that crap away. But it doesn't. So I can't. It's really just a table from IKEA.

Here I am gingerly reaching for a banana that I will use to make my daily 'Fruit Blaster' or 'Smooth Cool'. Was this photo staged? Of course it was. Notice more clutter and several beer bottles on the floor we have yet to return to the beer store. Do you have a car? Come over and let's go to the beer store!

Bvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
It looks like the toaster is covered in bugs. It's not. It's just old and shitty. When you toast something the sides get as hot as lava and if you try to toast two things in a row it buzzes and won't let you toast. That 'BBBVVVVVV' is the sound of the blender. Did you get it the first time?

Time to wash. This picture may look boring, but in it are the two most important ladies in my life: The shower and the toilet. That's not a window to outside, don't worry. That'd be the stupidest bathroom in the world if it were. "There's that guy pooing again. Why does he let us see him?"

Time to choose some threads. I have my butler, Piers, fill this wardrobe with fresh styles every day. Today he loaded it with stripes, plaids, hockey jerseys and sweaters, the kinds I like. On the left are some comics that I barely ever read and if you look to the bottom you can see my feet poking up as if to say "Hello!" The right side is a mirror so the picture is kind of tricky like a cool vortex. At the end of the day, mirrors are really neat. You're just used to them. Just think about a mirror for a second....cooooollll

Time to go. I walk down these stairs to get to the street. The hall usually smells like cigarettes and boiled chicken because my neighbours must smoke indoors and they cook a lot of chicken at the restaurant I live above. Once I totally grinded those rails.

I didn't take any pictures of the subway or anything because everyone knows what that looks like and I didn't want to look like a tourist. So let's skip it and head to the office.

When I sit down I like to gaze at this drawing my friend Mike from Chamber of Comics drew. I look at it and then compare my life to the quest depicted. After I slay this beast which represents leaving for work I then imagine work itself to be another lizard, but like a lizard woman who I have to seduce, have sex with and then kill. I don't mean that the lizard in the picture is a lizard woman. That's some other lizard. Work is the lizard woman that I make up in my head. Having sex with the lizard woman (work) is like having fun at work and drinking tea and killing it is leaving work knowing I did a great job! Get it? Oh brother.

I'm lucky to have a window seat and this is part of my view, which I suppose is okay, although when you've been looking at the same view for 2 years or however long it's been, the whole thing sort of loses its lustre. I hate this damn view. I always hope that someone will parachute off one of those condos or a monster will emerge from the lake and I'll be the first to see it and I take pictures and send them on over to CityTV.

After four point five hours I kick back in the windowless break room and take in a sandwich with a cooooool glass of Kraft Signatures salad dressing. I usually read a book, but today I wanted to see what a bunch of people on TV thought of the Federal Budget. They were cool with it. I'm usually in here alone at this time of day so when someone does come in I feel like I'm being rudely interrupted so when they leave I fart like crazy so the next person who comes in will think again.

Fancy a Flav? Here is the machine that spits out coffees and teas. I stick to the teas. The coffees taste like they've been filtered through chemically treated cardboard, but since it's all free everyone drinks it anyway.

Back to "the grind". My current desktop background is "Selected Moons of the Solar System" as mentioned in an earlier post. If you don't think space is cool, then your head is up your ass and while you're there you should have a serious talk with your brain about things it considers cool and tell it about space. Just tell it. I dare it to think space stinks.

Back home at 8:15pm, Tuesday evening! Now it's 11:13 am on Wednesday and I'm about to do the exact same thing as I just described and that feels terrible. Because I'm writing now, I basically just recounted the same day I'm about to have, although it's snowier. There's a sign about that door that says "GLENN". Recognize.

SERIOUSLY MAN, I NEED POWERADE OR THIS TRAIN IS GOING OFF THAT CLIFF

I'm up I'm up I'm wake up, wakey wakey eggy bakey grab the rakey, make no mistakies, make you achy.

That up there is a true story about a man who woke up one day to find his wife yelling at him to rake the leaves and he rakes way too hard and his arms literally fall off. But the thing is, his wife still makes him rake with his mouth! Then his tongue falls out! Then she calls the ambulance finally. Charges were dropped. That's love for you. The whole story became a popular children's rhyme which I interrupted above.

Good intro huh?

When winter was being kick started by Mother Nature's cool wooden dirt bike that runs on river water and spits out clouds as exhaust, I made a list of ways you can cope with her bitchy decisions about how cold it's going to be. Well shit man, I'm having trouble coping myself and we have at least 1.75 to 2 months left of this garbage before spring starts and everyone has sex all over as per the popular myth. The winter blues have been playing loud and clear and there's a blazing solo of ice and shit ringing in my ears. That's a lot of allegory. Is that allegory? What's my point? Here's a revised list of ways to combat winter:

1. Find a gypsy and have yourself turned into a bear.

Bears decided centuries ago that they'd sleep through winter which is the number one smartest move by a non-human animal in history. In second place: Dolphins doing flips all day in the tropics. In third place: Those bugs that can look like sticks.

2. You're going to have to turn into a bear. That's the only way. There's nothing else you can do. It's too cold. It's the kind of cold where you can't even enjoy outdoor activities. I can't at least. Maybe you can turn invisible and get on a plane and hang in Hawaii because I assume you can't afford to just get up and move away for a few months. So get invisible, rob a bank or two, sneak on a plane (or just use your bank money) and get away.

Chapter 2

Lately I've been making my own smoothies for breakfast because they're healthy and they taste good, which is what humans look for in food these days. Is that embarrassing? I wish it wasn't known as a "Smoothie". I'd rather they were called "Smooth Cools" or "Fruit Blasters".

Chapter 3

THE END. Yeah it's going to be short today. I need to regroup. I blame winter. I really do. You can blame winter as well. Here's a poll to fill things out a bit:

Today's post is most like...
	A delicious meal
	A mighty redwood
	A pretty good movie
	A hat your dad gave you
	A silly answering machine message
	A complicated Jazz song
	A B-list celeb who was on a successful sitcom way back when
	A fun waterslide
	An Italian grandma who treats you right
pollcode.com free polls

Once the results are in, we'll have a pizza party!

IT'S MONDAY FOR ALL OF US SO DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE OUT HERE TOSSIN' RADISHES AND DOIN' THE SPLITS

I once made up a catchphrase, "Let's make like a squirrel and get nuts". It's something you should say before you go to a really ripping party.

I have to admit you guys, I'm not very motivated at the moment. I don't have much to say about this past weekend and nothing funny has happened to me today so far. Quickly lower ALL expectations, go grab a sports drink, put on your reading glasses and put the kids to bed, because you're in for a BuMpY ride! Here's a quick weekend wrap-up called "Good and Bad".

GOOD

My dad fixed my hard drive and we ate Korean BBQ with my brother. Three Macaulay men and several trays of meat. That's winter living man. After that I decided I wasn't going to do anything all day because I was still kind of hungover from Friday. Which reminds me:

Friday I had a nice little night out at the Magpie on Dundas for a friend's birthday. Sometimes situations aren't funny, but just straight up nice, so I don't have any anecdotes to go along with this experience. My experimentation with vodka has been working out just fine, and I found my hangover to be pretty good compared to beer hangovers which usually involve stomach irratation and discomfort which means if you come over you'd probably find me in the bathroom.

I went to a read through of a new play that I might be in, which is encouraging news because extra curricular activities are the mouthwash to the plaque and gingivitis that is work.

BAD

We lost another floor hockey game and I pulled something in my arm that hurts in a bad way. It don't hurt so good. Nothing hurts good. Up yours Mellancamp. You stink. I hate John Mellancamp. That is a Mellancamp song isn't it? If not, so embarrased. I still hate him though. Why would I listen to John Mellancamp when there exits men like Tom Petty and Bruce Springsteen? The only good thing about John Cougar is his cover of "Wild Nights".

It was total bullshit on Friday night when it started to get freezing cold. That's bad for sure. It's getting to that point in the winter when it starts bothering me. The only positive is that I've started wearing scarves consistently and they work! I thought people wore them mainly for fashion which is why I've shunned them for so long. But when used properly, your neck will kiss you a hundred times because it's warm and happy.

Okay, so I guess the weekend wasn't so bad. Just not very productive. It seems I have the attitude of a farmer. If things aren't being produced I get in a shhhitty mood, even if my kid wins the science fair or my wife bakes a pie. Those were the only things I could picture happening in a farmer's life other than farming. A farmer could win the lottery, but if his beets aren't ready, he shits bricks. I don't know if that's true actually.

I was also in a stink this morning because I bought all these groceries but I didn't have enough time to make something to take to work. Would that make you mad? Sometimes I'm stupid, I'll admit. That's stupid. There's kids out there who eat crackers for dinner and there's guys on the street who drink varnish for lunch and I'm mad that I didn't make a damn salad. SHAME ON ME.

Here's a childhood tale:

My best friend's older brother had a friend named Mandeep and when my friend told me about him I thought he meant his name was "Man Deep" which is the coolest name I've ever heard. Maybe it'll become my next hip hop alter ego, although it's a little too close to "Mobb Deep". Those guys don't mess around. I don't want any beef with them. I'd eat beef with them. I'd eat beef with lots of guys. That'd be a good lyric to a hip hop song: "I don't start beef, I just eat it, so get in your car, and just beat it". That last part sucks. How about: "I don't start beef, I just eat it, hot off the grill, or simply reheated." YEAH, I like that way more. FOOD.

So was that bad? I can't tell really. Let me know. Drop me a line. I watched Tropic Thunder finally. I thought it was really funny at parts, but it dragged a bit and there were way too many dick jokes. Like 2 dick jokes every 5 minutes. And too many stars. Tom Cruise didn't make me laugh at all. I hope you had fun today. I gave it my all!

TONE DOWN YOUR VOICE OR I'LL EAT YOUR EARS

I was going to tell some jokes about farting, but I'm in a show called "The Dumbest Shit" next week, so I have to save them for then. I know how much you were yearning for a good, clear fart joke, but you can't always get what you want even if you wish upon a star and eat all the eyelashes you can handle.

FILM REVIEW - NOTORIOUS

I saw the Biggie Smalls film biography last night and I'd say good not great, pretty much what I expected. The guy who played Christopher Wallace was actually really good, and it was a tough role because of the man's legacy and the fact that he's in every scene pretty much. His eyes weren't right though. Good cheeks, good belly, bad eyes. When he wore shades he was a dead ringer. The guy who played 2Pac was absolute garbage and the Puff Daddy impersonator was pretty alright. The thing I hate about a lot of biographies is that every line seems to contribute to the "legacy" of the artist being portrayed, you know? There's no small talk. I wish there had of been more scenes of Biggie and Puff just sitting around and talking about Taco Bell or dogs or nice chairs. Instead, every line was about "chasing the dream" or "making it" or "being the greatest". I'll bet they only talked about that maybe 20% of the time in real life. Ever seen that Def Leppard movie? It's the epitome of what I was just saying. I wish I could think of an example but I saw it two years ago. Just go rent it or something. Trust me guy, it's a good laugh.

I came to the realization recently that I'm really bad at goodbyes. They're very uncomfortable for me. I think it's because I like leaving with some sort of closure, while most goodbyes are very open-ended, like "see you around", "we'll hang sometime" or simply "see ya". If I had it my way every goodbye would include a thorough discussion regarding future meetings. I guess this is limited to people I like because I have no problem saying bye to people who I hate. Hate and goodbyes go together like old ladies and that weird bridge section in the paper that only old ladies read. I wish I understood that. When I learned how to play Sudoku the paper improved by 6%. When I learned how to play Free Cell, work improved by 2%, but frustrations rose 7%. Math is all around you!

So yeah, goodbyes. If I say goodbye to you and I act like a weird man, don't worry, it just means I like you and I want to hang out again. If I give you a really solid goodbye, it doesn't necessarily mean I hate you, but it probably means we don't hang out all that often. If I give you a wink it mean there's a Snickers bar coming your way!!

Goodbye humans, have a warm weekend and eat more carrots. Have you ever seen a horse? Big and strong all the time.

JUST A NICE CASUAL THURSDAY WITH A BUCKET OF CHICKEN AND MY BEST FRIEND NAMED CHICKEN

Hear about that shooting at Osgoode station? It was me! Just kidding. But seriously, I walked by there right before it happened. It's my home station man. Then on my way home from seeing my new doctor (who is so rock solid) I saw all this action at University and Queen and there were all these cameras and my first reaction was "is there a celebrity around? Is Barack here for some reason? Is he taking the subway?" Why did I think that? There were ambulances and cops all over! If I were a better blog man I would've taken dramatic scene photos but instead I went home to make eggs. Should I report on the eggs? Sure!

We only had a mere teaspoon left of butter but I said to myself "Glenn, we're going to make this work". So I lubed the pan with PAM (which I'm generally against) and saved the butter for my toast. A man has to have a plan. I topped everything off with Ready Crisp bacon (which I'm generally against) and ate it all in less than five minutes. Maybe that's why I suffer stomach discomfort. My new physician suggested I experiment with diet and lifestyle changes and see if that works. Ai ai captain! Less biking more swimming, less beer more vodka, less pasta more...rye bread?

Seriously.

Seriously.

Those Subway advertisments with the monkey?

Are those brtual or what?

Before those commercials came out I'd usually eat 1 Subway sub a week.

Since those came out I swear I haven't had one in like 2 months.

I hope someone responsible for them or someone representing Subway Restaurants Ltd. reads this. To ensure they do I'm going to add some keywords so if they're interested in the buzz the ads are generating and they do a Google search, they'll be pointed here. Bear with me.

Fresh, Subway, monkey, eat fresh, lettuce, onions, southwest sauce, chicken bacon ranch, meatballs, bread, footlong, cookies, Miss Vickie's Chips, soft drink, mayonnaise, sub sauce, green hats

There. If you have anything to do with those ads, please pull them immediately so I can get back into Subways subs, a food I've been enjoying guiltlessly for several years now. And bring back the Sub Club please.

Tonight I'm planning on seeing the Notorious BIG movie. Imagine you went to that movie and you were sitting beside a guy who looked EXACTLY like Biggie and he was loving it and eating tons of popcorn and he had a disguise on like a moustache and a cowboy hat and it's ACTUALLY Biggie and he didn't die and he lives in Toronto and works for the Ministry of Transportation or something????? IMAGINE. Stuff like that doesn't happen often enough. Fake deaths and disguises that is. I guess fake deaths are generally frowned upon by law enforcement, the government and families everywhere. And I guess if disguises are really good you wouldn't know they were disguises because that's the point of a disguise, right?

I'll leave it at that today. Tomorrow is Friday and nothing is planned! I was thinking of telling everyone my history of Internet aliases but I feel like it's something only I'll enjoy. But it might come down to that. Let me know what you think in the comments section and also tell me your favourite brand of something that you like. Rolos. I like Rolos. I hate Banana Republic brand boxer shorts. They feel like you're wearing a paper bag.

A NEW DAWN - DAWN SRECT, SHE'S IN HR

ALLLLLLRIIIIIGGHHHT, a new American President, a new January day, no new stuff though. I don't buy things that often which allows me to save $$$$$$zZZZZzzzzzzzzz. If I shaved and regrew lost hair, I could throw on an high school outfit right now, go back in time, go to high school and do everything that I regret I didn't do - bang more chicks, duh!!!!!!! Just kidding. My high school experience was just fine. No wedgies, no fights, good tunes, good brew, good buds.

See that? I don't by new stuff so I have a lot of clothes that I had in high school. Now that I think about it, that's kinda shitty as high school was almost 10 years ago I think - maybe 7 or 8 years. I'm 26, you can work that out. The What Not to Wears would not be happy with me. But they're not always right I guess. Who made them boss? The big wigs at TLC? The fat cats in the White House? The Catholic Church? Parker Bros.? Nope. None of these. Who made them boss then? You. The fans. The fans who tune in to support a show about self-esteem. It may be a rocky ride, but in the end these people gain the self-confidence to live their lives the way they were supposed to be lived - buying clothes and having a really good job to go along with it. BIZ CAJJJJJJJJJ

That was the intro! Like a late night show's monologue. Did it grab your attention and give you a slight case of the chuckles?? 'Slight' is key because you don't want people laughing so much that they need to leave the room to shit or puke meaning they miss the interview with the glamourous stars of Hollywood film and television. Here's a quick one with Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder:

Me - So Jon, tell me, what's up next you, what are you working on?
Jon - Nothin'.
Me - Why don't you record an album or something?
Jon - I already did.
Me - Oh! What's that called?
Jon - Napoleon Dynamite.
Me - Really? I guess that's kinda funny.
Jon - It's about a nerd who can't seem to fit in anywhere and his family is nuts.
Me - ....yeah I've seen the movie.
Jon - No no, this is the album

Okay, without further ado I present my brand new, previously mentioned feature called....

TALES FROM GOBLINWOOD COTTAGE - A CHILDREN'S ADVENTURE - LIVEJOURNAL STORIES



Remember? I'm going to now paste in a true story I told via LiveJournal. This story isn't really embarassing at all, but don't worry, all the rest of the stuff I'll post later will be pretty dumb on my part. You can see how I've evolved! From being stupid dumb to silly dumb. There's a difference!

March 5th, 2007

On Saturday we went to this bar in Little Italy we go to sometimes because there's never anyone there and they have a a good jukebox. But this time, this mob goon fresh out the joint showed up all drunk and stoned and he showed us his muscles, which were ample, and said he'd been shot 6 times. He then started to show us his wounds and when he showed us his back, Dave goes "you got shot in the back, yeah right," and then the guy was going to beat dave into submission for disrespecting him, and I don't think he was joking. He didn't though, because dave pleaded with him not to. After he calmed down a little I asked him who the toughest guy he fought was and he talked about this French guy in Sault St Marie. After he beat the shit out of this guy he went back a while later and the guy shot him and he shot back.

Then he babbled on for a long time about the Hell's Angels, the mob, fighting, killing and jail and he took a shining to me and said if I ever needed anything he's got my back and he said this with the utmost intensity. Then he said he trusted me but he didn't trust anyone else at the table (Dave, Butler, and Butler's girlfriend, ahahah). When I was getting up to leave he was still talking and he told me to sit the fuck down and not to disrespect him. Naturally, I obeyed and felt like I would never leave this bar. He mentioned coming to his buddy's after hours bar and we all said no and he called us all women and had this serious theory about how he has the right to take any woman he wants out on a date as long as he doesn't bang her, or as he said "cut another man's grass". We all agreed although we all really disagreed.

The shit hit the fan when he took out a baggie of cocaine and asked if we did it, which of course none of us do. He snorted some off a key and at that point we were all scared he was going to make us do cocaine. Then, like out of a movie, the drunkest guy in the bar stumbled over and called him a fuckin asshole or something and you'd better believe my man wasn't happy. We took this distraction as a blessing and we ran out of there. I ran to safety at Andy's house.

I really thought that guy was going to kill someone that night. When I say "I ran to Andy's house" I literally ran. That's all for today. I can't tell you what's going to happen tomorrow though. MYSTERY THURSDAYS.

RUNNING INTERNET COMMENTARY ON A PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION

9:41am - CNN claims they're giving me a "front-row seat to history". I should've worn better clothes! My pajama pants have Liberté Mediterranean yogurt stains on them and my shirt is too big.

9:43am - Over at NBC Al Roker stands in a somehow mostly empty parking lot in a city overflowing with people. There are marching band drummers in the background so you can't hear him. The "Inaugural Forecast" is lookin' good!

9:44am - Information on Michelle Obama's church dress surfaces! The designer "has always loved to sew".

Earlier on NBC an African-American reporter asked a white woman in a crowd about the fact that 300 years ago slaves were traded right where they were standing. That's like a Jew asking a modern blond haired German about the Holocaust sort of. How the heck do you answer that question?

9:49am - Obama leaves church in "the safest vehicle in the world":



I wish. Instead it looks like a hearse with cool lights on it.

Don't you wish they could just show us this footage without saying anything so we can absorb it in our own way? I know what's happening here. You don't need to tell me everything about everything. "Hey Glenn you ever heard of the mute button?" I still like the hear the ambiance of the surroundings.

9:54am - Obama enters the White House. It's real close to that church! He greets Bush and Michelle gives Laura a present before a traditional coffee drinking. What's that? You don't believe me?

There!

Wolf Blitzer reminds us that there is a possibility they're drinking hot chocolate or even tea.
What do think the present is? Baked goods? Probably candles. Safe bet.

10:04am - I'm getting kind of bored of this now. There's just too much coverage. It's like when you see a chick naked before you see her with clothes on. It leaves nothing to the imagination. I like all the Obama touques that people are wearing.

10:18am - I made a smoothie.

I always fall for extended coverage. I don't need to be watching this now. All Obama has done so far is go to church and drink coffee. The last 15 minutes has just been shots of celebrities. I'm going to have to leave for work at 12:10 so I'm probably going to miss most of the real deal stuff. I know I promised that cool story, but it will have to wait until tomorrow. More Presidential coverage to follow if I feel like it!!!

1:03pm - I watched the whole thing go down and was ten minutes late for work. Take that economy! I watched the NBC feed and I must say, they did a pretty good job. They didn't talk too much and when they did they had some interesting things to say. Obama was great obviously and I don't think anyone tried to shoot him which is a good start. I don't know how the networks are going to fill the rest of the afternoon, but it'll probably involve reaction from John Cusack, who was spotted in the VIP section, as well as performances from popular recording artists. The speech will be analyzed to death, especially by CNN who usually employs 40-50 analysts who all have something trite to add.

SOMETHING LIGHT AND AIRY WITH A DELICIOUS FLAKEY CRUST

I thought last weekend (the last couple of days) was going to be a bit of a party weekend, but thanks to snow and a lazy, carefree attitude, I mostly just sat around and watched movies and played video games. Here's a good SOLID recap complete with two pictures!

Friday night I watched Jurassic Park. That movie is really ccoooooooolll. It's that dinosaur picture, remember?

Saturday I went to the Double Double Land Land (that play I did) art exhibit at Gallery TPW. Please go see it. It's on for the next few weeks I think. I don't even care if you don't like it, but you might as well try. Remember when you TRIED to ride a bike when you were a kid and you did it and now you can ride a bike whenever? If there's a nuclear Apocalypse and there's no gas anywhere and bikes are valuable and rare and there's these tough guy bike gangs around you can be one of those guys because you can ride a bike. And that's why you should go see this exhibit. Here are two snaps of what you can expect to see:

Beats an episode of that sitcom you watch, right?

Try walkin' up these!

After that Liv and I went to my parent's house for a lovely dinner. I said hi to my cat!

Then I watched Howard Stern's "Private Parts". I keep meaning to write a Howard Stern entry and how funny I think he is, but I don't think you want to hear it. There's nothing really more to say about that. He's funny. Trust me. That's all. No entry needed. Are you going to debate me on this? Later man, later.

Sunday I played floor hockey and we lost, but I think I had four goals. If they gave out chocolate bars for goals, I'd have four bars. If they gave out milk for scoring goals I'd have 4 cups of milk. That's not that much milk really. THEEEEENNNNNNN I was asked to video tape Sunday Night Live at Comedy Bar. I had a dream last night that I messed it up and everyone wanted to break my fingers. As if. Those guys are my friends!

And that folks, is the weekend wrap up. Relatively speaking, it wasn't as lazy as I made it out to be, but I'm hard on myself. That's what wins championships. You have to be hard on yourself. Don't be a pussy to yourself. Be a dick to yourself. An understanding dick. Sort of like an older brother. He may make you drink out of the toilet and try out dangerous wrestling moves on you, but at the end of the day he still buys you cool birthday presents and will show you your first porno.

I have a special treat! Back toward the beginning of university I had a Livejournal, which is a goldmine of late teen angst and stuff like that. So every now and then I'll go back and pick some embarrassing entries and using the 'paste' function I'll 'paste' them here and make fun of myself. Remember what I said? Be a dick to yourself! Tomorrow, I'll paste in the scariest and coolest story I have and analyze it like one of those guys on the NFL on Fox:

This guy knows how to move the football in a football environment. You have. to. have. a guy. on your football team who can move the football like this. That's what wins football games.

It'll be exactly the same, but instead of football, I guess I'll say, I don't know, "friends"??? Okay, so I can't analyze the story like a football man. I'll just like, say things like "those were the days".

LET'S STOP BEING SERIOUS FOR A SECOND AND GET REALLY MAD INSTEAD

Yesterday we talked about my butt and the day before that I complained about phones. I think we should lighten the mood around here.



Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Okay, today I think I'm going to discuss "Reasonable Trends" as part of my ongoing series, "Observe and Analyze Something Dumb Fridays". Are you ready? Do you have your coat on? Why don't you bring some of those hand warmer things? They're next to the change bowl. Do you still have that Thermos I gave you for your birthday? There's some savoury stew on the stove (alliteration city, so sick) that is PIPING hot. Yeah, fill that up. I put a secret herb in this time...okay, okay, it's TARRAGON. Got your keys? Let's roll.

It's no secret around here that generally speaking, I hate trends. Specifically, clothing trends. Specifically, women's clothing trends. Does this mean I'm sexist? No, I don't think so. I think it's just that women buy more clothes than men for the most part, so there's going to be more crap thrown their way. Some of the crap sticks and other girls see the crap that's stuck and decide they need to get stuck with crap until everyone looks at each other and says "Why are we all covered in shit?" and the trend ends. To sum it up, I hate trends that are so obviously the ones where 20 years down the road people will look at a picture of themselves and say "Why the hell did I wear that?" Here are some examples:

- Those wookiee boots with hairy ball tassels
- Those colourful, patterned hoodies (previously mentioned on post similar to this one. Don't worry, I know where I'm going with this one. There's bound to be a little overlap. I'm not Jesus here. I'm no Perez Hilton)
- Ugg boots worn in silly weather

I thought I'd be able to think about more, but you get the idea right?

Here's the thing - I don't have a problem with a clothing trend if the garment is functional. THESIS. Start taking notes now. Here is my proof:

You see a lot of people, male and female, walking around town with those big Uncle Buck hats these days, right? Solid trend. Those are the warmest hats you can wear in the winter and it's about time they got their time in the spotlight. They're usually associated with Russians, and those guys know the cold weather like T-Pain knows round butts. Or they know cold weather like T-Pain knows big hats. Or like Barack Obama knows politics. HAHAHAHA next time you're having a serious political conversation with your friends and you're in over your head, just say "Agreed. But at the end of the day Barack Obama knows politics." The dumbest thing you could say! Everyone will laugh and you can resume talking about last night's Office.

You also see a lot of women walking around wearing nice, big Sorel boots. Great trend! Warmest, driest boot money can buy. All women should be wearing big boots. It's a bonus that they've become somewhat fashionable. If snow pants could make a comeback, the fashion would be a fully functional, ergonomic snow suit. I'm fine with that!

Remember when everyone had a jacket with a furry hood? It angered me at first, but at the end of the day, that's a warm coat! If everyone ends up looking like Han Solo from the first 25 minutes of The Empire Strikes Back, I'll be a happy man.



Goggles! Get those out of the closet! Keep the wind out man!

What else???????????

The trend of wearing tights as pants is hotly debated. I'm fairly indifferent, but it seems to have the raised self-esteem levels of women everywhere because women of all shapes and sizes have jumped on board. So I guess it's functional in that it has raised confidence levels and also given men exactly what they've always wanted, which is that women's pants can't possibly get any tighter. We've reached the end of the road here. The male dream has come true. I bet it'll be a whole "Don't know what you've got till it's gone" type deal, like in ten years when big, floppy pants will be fashionable and we'll all be saying "Remember when girls wore leotards as pants? That was the best time!" and then we'll use our smartphones to download pictures instantly from www.firstcenturytrends.org and then send them to everyone on our Bell Mobility my 25 contact list and everyone will respond in seconds using their smartphones and then we'll have a video chat and order Chinese food at the touch of a button and we'll meet at the Energy Bar, which serves Turbo Snacks, which is healthy fast food that revolutionizes everything and makes us all Usain Bolts and the every day is sunny. <=== the world I want to live in!

This post didn't really turn out the way I imagined it. I thought it'd be more profound. It kind of feels like when you go into an exam and you think you studied all the right stuff and then the first question is something waaaay different than what you studied and for the rest of the test you're ppppppsssssdddddd. I'm not pissed though. 'Mildly content' would be an appropriate description. Honestly, I thought I'd have more examples to comment on. I really do love that Han Solo picture though.

See you on Monday! I'll take lots of pictures this weekend and we'll have so much fun talking about them!

FROM ONE MOTHER TO ANOTHER - I THINK YOUR KID IS HOT

Want to see the most beautiful thing I've ever photographed? I was staring out my window at work and I saw the tracks that the cars make in the dirty old parking lot below and it made me realize.....I'm not scared anymore....and it was.....beautiful.....American Beautiful....American Beauty.....Kevin Spacey.....Academy Award winner

AHHAHAH just kidding. But I do like looking at the patterns the tires make in the parking lot. It's not American beautiful but it beats checking my Hotmail for the 78th time. Get it? All I do at work all day is go in the Internet and then read press releases. MY LIFE. Remember that movie "Mad House" and that shit kid mows "FUCK" into the lawn? Starring Kirstie Alley and maybe John Laroquette?

OKKKKKKKKKKKK

I have a queue of things I'd like to talk about and I can't decide which ones to elaborate on. Since I promised you butt yesterday I think I'll go with that.

Acting on advice from my sister, I decided that I'm old enough to go out and find my own doctor. I have a family doctor in Mississauga who took us on after our regular doctor retired sometime ago. I don't like this newer doctor. She's not very friendly and her rating on ratemd.com is poor at best. She always asks about diet whenever I go in there and I'm like "Yeah I eat okay, but I indulge in the odd pizza, the odd burger, but I'm only human" and EVERY TIME she's like "you need to eat more whole grains and fruits". No duh lady. I also should be drinking 9 glasses of water a day, eating 56 vegatables and like, sprinkling flax seed on everything, but my diet is my choice AMEN.

Last time I went to her was maybe 2 years ago or something when I was complaining about my ass and how I thought I had hemmorhoids. When it came time for her to check things out down there, she gave off this vibe of "I really don't want to do this right now" which I fully understand, but come on lady, I don't really want a finger up my ass either, but it's your job and I want to feel better. You'd think a doctor would either act fine and routine about it, or they'd inject a little humour. Well she didn't and it made the situation even more uncomfortable than it had to be. She actually did give me some good advice and informed me it wasn't hemmorhoids much to my relief, but our relationship isn't strong enough for another butt check if a butt check is needed in the future.

So recently my stomach has been acting like a reealllllllll shithead and I decided I should seek medical advice but not from Mrs. Apprehensive About My Touching My Butt. It seems I've found a new doctor downtown whose ratings are off the charts based on a recommendation from my older, wiser sister. I have to go in for a review or something first and I'm uncertain as to whether I should discuss butts because he might be like "Geez I don't want to deal with more butts", know what I'm saying? But maybe he'll be funny about it. Fingers crossed!

Have I talked about that doctor's appointment before? I feel like I have. It's a good story though. I'm the type of dude who will go to the doctor when anything is wrong with me, not one of those macho types who's scared to admit their butt aches. That's a message to everyone out there. We get to go for free so we might as well go when there's something going down. I'm always scared I have cancer. Apparently Howie Mandel is like that too. Blood brothers guy. I always defend Howie but it's getting tougher and tougher, what with his new hidden camera show and all.

Don't forget to catch the sun and be a beautiful, shining star in everything you do! You're unique and special and you have no reason to be afraid! May the light bathe you this day!

Does that caption fit that photo?? ahhahaha I think it does. Pat on the back.

NO MORE FUN AND GAMES, JUST SOME LAUGHS AND COMPETITIVE SPORT

I had a lot of fun planned for today (a discussion on aliases and a candid conversation about doctors) but instead I'm going to outline two recent frustrations that really baked my balls over the past 24 hours.

First off, do you recall a couple of days ago when I talked about all the stuff I got done on the weekend? Pretty cool, right? One of those accomplishments was finding a power cord to an external hard drive. So solid, right? I finally fired up the old tin can last night with hopes of backing up some files etc, but much to my chagrin the thing didn't work! First my computer told me that it couldn't be read so I fiddled around, plugged it back in and it didn't do anything at all.

When dealing with computer matters such as these, I usually swear a lot, wiggle some wires and if that doesn't work I wait until the next day with hopes that tiny creatures of the night will come in and fix it while I sleep and when they're done they dance on my bed playing woodwinds and string instruments the likes which this universe has never seen. I was disappointed this morning to find out that these creatures did not make the trip from their shining ruby caves into my apartment and thus did not use their tiny, intricate jewel tools to fix my problem. It is at this point that I call my dad and get him to look at it. If he says "it's screwed" then I throw it out.

And that's what happens every time I have a problem with a computer. So if I ever mention a computer problem in passing use this formula and you can put it all together without me having to explain it: Computer problem = swearing + fiddling / waiting X frustration + call my dad.

That's not real math but you get the idea.

That last problem was peanuts compared to the frustration felt when I tried to call Enbridge (A gas company) this morning for the simple reason of having the name on my bill changed from my landlord's to mine. Bear with me, you're in for a scenic ride!

First, some background information:

- I moved into this place in September
- Every month I got a mysterious bill with my address but with my landlord's name from Enbridge
- Called landlord, he checked it out and said it was for a water heater rental and previous tenant must have put it in his name when he moved out
- Landlord told me to call Enbridge and get it straightened out. No problem.

It's also important to note that for some reason, the water heater is property of Direct Energy but Enbridge Gas handles the billing. Sound confusing? Just you wait.

So first I call Enbridge because the bill is from Enbridge and is emblazoned with the Enbridge logo so logic would follow that I call Enbridge.

After a couple of attempts I finally get a human being on the phone.

I say "I have a water heater and I need to change the name on my bill"

Then this BITCH goes "We don't do water heaters, it's not us"

So I say, "Then why does my bill say Enbridge on it?"

She explains how they do the billing FOR SOME REASON and she transfers me to someone else from Enbridge who she figures can help me.

Again, I explain my small, easy to fix, type a few keys and press "enter" problem and then SHE says that I have to be put through to a different department who handles this sort of thing. I don't really remember what she said because over the course of the morning I talked to six or seven people. At this point I was getting really mad.

So I get transfered AGAIN and explain my small issue AGAIN and then this lady says, "Well you have to call Direct Energy, we don't handle it, we just do the billing"

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MAN WHY DIDN'T ONE OF THOSE OTHER LADIES JUST TELL ME IN THE FIRST PLACE.

So I call Direct Energy.

I get to a point in their dim-witted computer system where the options are: Press '1' if you are calling about your Enbridge bill and press '2' if you are calling about your Direct Energy bill. I figure if my bill says ENBRIDGE ALL OVER IT, then '2' is what I'll press considering I called Direct Energy. I figure I'll reach their Direct Energy/Enbridge billing department talior made to answer my query. So I press '2', type in my customer number for the 89th time and talk to a lady who tells me:

"You have to call Direct Energy, they handle the water heater"

WHO THE FUCK DID I JUST CALL!!!?>!>!??!?!?!?!?!!!

She told me she could give me the number to Direct Energy billing which I figured would be a direct line to a human who could help me. So I told her I had to get a pen and waited as long as I could to frustrate her the way her and her company had frustrated me for the past 30 minutes. When I got back on the line she gave me the same damn number I had just called. Good grief.

SOooooooooooooooooo I did everything all over again, but this time I press '1' instead of '2' and FINALLY I got someone to do what I wanted although at the end she goes "It may take a bit to process but you'll get a new bill eventually." Take a bit? JUST CHANGE THE DAMN NAME AND I'LL PAY YOU!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Did you read all of that? I was hesitant to explain it all because I thought it might be boring, but seriously man, is there anything worse than having to call a major corporation for customer service?

Walking to work I was steaming mad, but then it occurred to me that if an external hard drive with a bunch of old pictures, mp3s, porno and school work on it and a frustrating phone call are the worst things that happens to me on a daily basis, then my life ain't so bad. I wish I didn't get so mad about these things, but when they happen and it's not me that's screwed it up then I get upset. If it's my fault I have no problem accepting it. There's that lyric from the Pharcyde song that goes "I don't sweat it, I let the bullshit blow in the breeze". That's what I should do because that stuff that happened up there is bullshit and really isn't a big deal. Tomorrow I'll talk about my butt some more, don't worry.

A TIMEPIECE PEAR STARRING ED HARRIS

Can we talk about my new background for a second??? Fish hooks! HA. Great moments in fish hooks:

Home Alone - Kevin McAllister refers to making ornaments out of Peter McAllister's fish hooks. His old fish hooks? No, those had dried worm guts on them.

Seinfeld - Fish hook used in conjunction with rod to fish marble rye up to the Ross' apartment.

Little Rascals The Motion Picture - Buckwheat and Porky get their fish hooks caught and they do this funny leaning thing, remember?

That's all I can think of off the top of my brain.

Last night I went to Trampoline Hall because a couple of my friends were giving lectures and supporting friends when they do things is something we should all do because doing things are scary sometimes and familiar faces make doing things more buttery smooth. Anyhow, this evening was strange and magical for the following reasons:

The gist of the night is that 3 people go up on stage and lecture on a topic they're not an expert on. My friend Mel gave an interesting talk on conspiracy theories that tickled cochlea and stimulated the cerebral cortices across the room. Then things got neat for me: The next guy did a talk on finding his identity which hit close to home because with the new year I've been attempting to accept my life path and stop comparing myself to others around me in order to form my own identity. So the guy touched on these sorts of things I've been pondering and I was like "COOL STUFF". Thhhhhhhhhen my friend Wes got up and talked about "coincidences" which was CRAZY because it was a coincidence that that other guy talked about something that had I'd been thinking about. So eventually I freaked out, ran away and smoked 9 packs of cigarettes while looking at the stars. I didn't do that. But it was strange to be talking about coincidences and how they're kind of bullshit because odds are they're going to happen every so often no matter what while I was sitting there being all like "The universe is a magical place alallalalalalallalalalal magic forces at work!"

A question came up about why we enjoy coincidences and for me it's because I really like thinking that magic and wonder exists as it exists in literature and film etc. It sort of ties into how I check the news all the time hoping that aliens have visited. Know what I'm saying? I don't think I need to elaborate here. Do you want me to? If so, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to my offices here in Studio City, California. I feel so unlucky that I grew up without Internet. This next generation of kids is going to be different. I remember watching an episode of Beakman's World and they taught us how to make candy glass to break over each other's heads, and I rushed to write it all down but didn't get it all so the candy glass turned out like shit. Nowadays you just look it up no problem. Where would I have got that recipe before? I would've went to the library and MAYBE they'd have some sort of book that would tell me, but where would I even begin to look? SEE????? It'd be so frustrating! No more self addressed stamped envelopes my brothers and sisters.

Do you guys agree that my evening was magical?? On top of all that, I had the best sleep I've had in a while. Everything clicked. Nice entry. Comfortable and reflective. Solid dreams about floor hockey and other recent happenings. No interruptions. Great wake up time. 9-10 hours or so. Pure sleeps guy.

WELCOME TO THE FART BARN - $4 ENTRANCE FEE - WHY'D YOU COME?

Welcome to Monday, the day most people hate most. But what is a "day"? Time doesn't recycle itself. Days are just a label man. Spooky isn't it? I think I once mentioned how I wished I was one of those new age guys who could look at the world in a different way. That way I wouldn't care if it were Monday or Friday or solstice eve or harvest moon or whatever. Livin' free brother.

Speaking of "brother", a thing that wrestlers always say, I saw "The Wrestler" last night and like most liberally minded twenty-somethings, I enjoyed it thoroughly. But if cash is tight and you hate the smell of popcorn, but you still want to see a heartfelt tale about professional wrestling I implore you to check out "Beyond The Mat" which is a great documentary about the same sort of stuff but way more depressing because it's real guys and not melty face Mickey. But there's no tits in it, unlike the Wrestler. I guess if cash is tight and you hate the smell of popcorn you could just wait for the DVD or download it, but you don't have time for that! You're busy! Gotta put in your hours man! Spend that dough on oranges and supplements! Live free, live vibrant, LIVE ALIVE. Hahahaha that would be a funny name for a really dumb Coldplay or U2 live album or something like that and interviewers would be like "Is it LIVE alive or LIVE alive" and then Chris Martin would go "Well we recorded it LIVE but it's got two meanings because our mantra is to LIVE alive. Do you have any rare teas?"

Get it? That's a tough read because you can't really tell the difference between LIVE and LIVE. SHORTCOMINGS OF THE INTERNET.

This weekend I tried to incorporate my resolution of "getting things done" into the old schedule and it worked out! Here's what I got done:

- Ripped several CD's
- bought a stereo receiver
- found power cord to my external hard drive
- tried out new skates
- called landlord regarding broken oven
- watched the Wrestler
- played floor hockey
- used Chapters gift card
- bought pepto bismol
- cut my hair

These may seem inane to the untrained eye, but they are tasks I've been putting off for awhile now believe you me you toad. I added a few tasks that I sort of had to do just to make the list look longer, and if you have a problem with this, contact the site's administrator. HAHAHAHA good luck! Blogger is a big company! It'll take forever to even talk to a human probably.

I'd like to cap off today's scripture with an ice cold cream soda.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd to fight those winter blues, I'd like to recommend 3 movies from my favourite genre: "80's summertime movies"

"SUMMER RENTAL" starring John Candy

A fat guy takes his family to the beach. They all hate it but then they enter a boat race and come together. So sick.

"ONE CRAZY SUMMER" starring John Cusack

A dweeb can't get no respect so he enters a boat race with his friends and he gets respect.

"SUMMER SCHOOL" starring Mark Harmon

A cool dude teacher gets stuck teaching a class of misfits during the summertime. No boat race. Actually, no boats at all.

I was going to recommend "MEATBALLS" as well, but it doesn't have "summer" in its title and there's no boat race. Although there is a foot race at the end. Not bad.

See you Tuesday, or if days didn't exist which is what I'd prefer, "in a bit".

WHY DOESN'T GATORADE MAKE ICE CREAM

We did the final and ultimate performance of Double Double Land Land last night to much success! It was a packed house and people got turned away at the door so that's a good sign. We tried to fool everyone by setting up a fake wedding next door at Xpace and then at the end of the play you can hear music coming through the walls and then the whole wedding party comes in and crashes the play. People bought it I'm pretty sure. TRICKED.

I remember after we did this thing called "Godzilla The Musical" in grade 12 our teacher told us that we'd get depressed when it was all over because that's what happens after you do a play. I guess it has something to do with spending all this time with people and working at something and then it's over in a snap. So it stinks that it's all over now because I don't really have any projects going on and doing the play was really fun to do. It was also a nice distraction from work. Here's another distraction:



Enough hoity toity BS right!? Enough blah blah blah heyheyheys!

I guess now my New Year has officially begun. I want this year to be the slowest of all time so I can get to a place where I want to be and still be 26. This is still toity isn't it. Do I have any amusing observations? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Been on the streetcar lately? What a crowd.

I saw that movie 'MILK'. I almost cried at the end but I kept it together. This woman behind me didn't fare so well. She was sniffin' like a hound dog in a ham factory <----today's zing zang. I think that's a movie worth watching and it's really stupid knowing that there hasn't been much progress in the Gay Rights category since all that went down. Or maybe there has. Has there? Are you gay? How do you feel? Are you cool? Satisfied? Probably not. Not even Barack Obama supports gay marriage and he's the world's number one guy right now. Number two guy? Lil Wayne is pretty popular these days....

In literary news, my exploration of the classics continues with "The Great Gatsby". A lot of people I talked to said they tried to read it but couldn't get past the first 20 pages. I understand, but once you get past that stuff it gets reallllllllly good. YOU CAN'T ARGUE WITH THE CLASSICS. That would be a good name for an autobiography. The only hard part about reading the classics is trying to picture the characters in 1920 or whatever year it is they were birthed in. I usually tend to modernize things in my head and I think a timeless classic allows one to do so. Has there ever been a romantic comedy loosely based on Gatsby? I'll bet there has. And I bet it was utter doo doo. Maybemaybemaybe.

Have a fuckin bodacious weekend everyone. I'm planning on relaxing and maybe buying things. This cold that was sneaking up my ass seems to have mostly retreated from whence it came. Speaking of 'whence it came' I want to watch Lord of the Rings RIGHT NOW. What an adventure! What a story!

SHORT CIRCUIT 3 - INTERNET ROBOTS

We did a showing of our play last night and it was grrrrrrrreat! I can't go into details here because I don't want to spoil the story for those who may go tonight. Here's an article about it: http://www.eyeweekly.com/arts/features/article/49048

It starts at 8pm tonight at Gallery TPW, 56 Ossington. First come first serve.

I started to get a cold or a flu or something yesterday and I felt like a poo man all damn day. I was alright for the play and then when I got home I took a Night time extra strength Neo Citran and it took me to dream land. But it was a weird sleep! I kept thinking about the show and I had Buffalo Springfield's "Expecting to Fly" in my head all night long and I still do. Then at 2am I woke up to a guy screaming on the street about how the Rex is the worst bar in the world, and it felt like it was 8am instead. So basically I want to maintain a level of relative healthiness until after the play so I can party hard enough to satisfy myself. You have to party after a play. You just have to.

CAREER ADVICE FROM A REAL CEO OF A REAL ORGANIZATION

I've been sitting in my bathtub for the last 4 days pondering physics, films from 1988 and careers. I figure that a guy can take one of three paths:

1. You somehow find a job you ACTUALLY enjoy doing and do it for the rest of your life.
2. You jump from job to job aimlessly, enjoy them for a bit and then move on again and again.
3. You get a job you can stand and in your free time you have hobbies and passions that keep life interesting.

Right now I'm maintaining a solid number 3, which I've always been weary of because I was always taught that a career is important and saving money is important and thinking about the future is important. Lately I've come around to the idea of flying by the seat of your pants because I've realized that at this point in history (economic downturn, no peace in the Middle East) I'm lucky to even have a job that pays me enough to live just fine. I can buy hamburgers whenever I want and if I need new socks I don't sweat it. It's also because I have a lot of fun doing extra-curricular activities like comedy and plays and stuff. Take this play I'm doing now for example. Take it! It's been really fun, you know? I'll take some pictures tonight for your eyeballs. Realistically, I can't make a career out of it, but it kind of fits into the whole "you only live once" mentality that I'm a big fan of. Not 100% though. That would mean I'd have to skydive and eat cow shlongs and that sort of thing. I'm not thrill seaker, but I don't like wasting opportunites. I think my friends taught me that - if an opportunity presents itself, always say yes even if it's scary. I don't mean like go to a haunted house scary, but like go on stage and do a stupid bit or take a job somewhere strange or go out on a date with a weirdo. Harmless things.

You know what's kind of dumb about Madonna? You probably do I'm sure. But I noticed one thing yesterday that bothered me, specifically that song "Human Nature". It came out in 1995 when we all knew what Madonna was all about and how she always does sex things that make people freak out, right? So if you were to ask me or anyone else in 1995 what Madonna's creed would be you'd say something like:

"Hmmmm probably something like 'Express yourself, don't repress yourself' maybe?"

Then that song comes out and she just outright says it. No duh Madonna. We know what you're all about. Do something else. I realize it's petty criticizing 1995 Madonna, but it dawned on me how non-artistic it is to just come right out and say what you're all about instead of letting people figure it out for themselves. It's like if Marilyn Manson made a song and the lyrics were "Be different and don't be happy!" Get it? Do you get what I'm saying? I feel like a real artist wouldn't have to make their message so obvious. I heard a guy on TV say that musicians who make it huge are successful business people and not successful musicians. I agree. Madonna is totally like that. So is Marilyn Manson and so are the Pussycat Dolls. Their first thought isn't "is this song good?" but rather "is this song going to sell". This is getting too preachy. I don't like when people talk like this so I'll stop. Shall we discuss poo some more?

NAHHHHHHH not today, because it's snowing!!!!! My favourite part of a big snow storm is seeing what people wear on their feet. There's nothing as amusing as seeing a woman wearing heels trying to walk through snow and slush. How do you think you are, Liz Hurley? Dianne Warwick? Vanna White? No one cares about your feet. In fact, reasonable hunks out there would consider that a turn off I hope. It's a sure sign of a moron. Get some damn boots and be happy! Your feet will thank you and be as pristine as mine are (no callouses, smooth like silk).

I CAUGHT AN EAGLE LAST NIGHT

Yesterday's tirade was a touch self-indulgent. For that I apologize. Were you really that interested in my not-so-interesting and incomplete history of musicianship? I omitted the parts about when I took piano lessons and when I played clarinet in grade 7 and 8. Why? Because it's not rock n roll brother. I wish I knew how to play a horn. I'm a BIG horn fan. And if you put bongos and congos in your music I'll like it right away no matter what.

MIND BLOW

The other day I was watching Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Tour or whatever it's called and at some point they ended up at Notre Dame because Vince Vaughn was in Rudy (a heart warming tale about a small man who tries football) and I found out that it's in Indiana! My whole life I though Notre Dame was in Boston or the surrounding area. How naive of me! I really wish life were full of these moments. Too bad we all know everything.

I honestly think the funniest thing in the world is when someone goes their whole life without knowing something that everyone else in the world knows. Back in the old days me and my friends wrote this bit where the old man has somehow avoided Halloween his whole life and then one Halloween people come trick or treating and he thinks it's the end of the world. It's also funny if someone does something one way their whole life only to find out that most people do the same thing a completely different way. When I first started writing comedic shorts, I think most of my ideas were along those lines. Do you get it? Sorry, I don't really have an example. I guess it would be like if someone spent their whole life sitting on a toilet backwards and then sees someone doing it the right way and is like "hahahahah you poo like that?" and then the normal guy goes "Like what?" and then they talk and weird guy has his mind exploded. I guess what I'm trying to say is that our minds aren't blown too much anymore no thanks to the damn internet. My girlfriend's mind was blown a little while ago when she found out that The Band is mostly Canadian. Big deal!

THERE.

Is that better? That was more of an opinion piece exploring our relationship with modern technology and how it affects social structure. Worthy of Wikipedia! But seriously, that Vince Vaughn documentary was pretty garbage. I don't really have a problem with Rudy, except it's pretty in your face - NEVER GIVE UP. That's it! I'm also sad to report that I'm done The Wire. People keep telling you to watch it right? You should. The special features show a bunch of people who worked on the show and they all compare it to Dickens and Shakespeare. I disagree but it still totally rules. I'd compare it to ice cold beers, Christmas mornings, pay raises and chocolate covered things. One of the best ever that's for sure.

EVERYTHING IS BACK TO WHERE IT WAS TWO WEEKS AGO, NO GOOD

Let's put current events (weather, Gaza Strip, New Year babies, football playoffs, celebrity birthdays) on the back burner for a second and instead talk about history. History of me. Duh. That's what this thing is all about - Me. My. Mine. I. Specifically I thought I'd tell you guys about my musical history, a facet of my life not generally reported by major North American media. This is the true story. Final word. If you're ever in an argument with a guy and he says that I was in a band called the Toot Boats or whatever then you can come here and check because this is where it's all going to be puked. One spot. Clean. Definitive.

I remember in grade six these older grade 8 guys played a talent show and they were in a band and it set the school on fire and everyone wanted to be in a band after that like when yoyos got big in that episode of the Simpsons. I decided that in order to impress the post pubescent crop of seventh grade chicks I'd have to keep up with the times and learn the guitar. My parents were hesitant to buy me one because they were scared I wouldn't keep up with it and they also figured that if I was to learn I'd have to learn proper and start with the acoustic guitar which I had no interest in. That's like wanting pizza but getting raisins instead. So in grade seven they rented me an electric guitar for Christmas which was a good idea just in case I hated it. I got signed up for lessons with this guy around the corner and started my odyssey. <---hyperbole. I just got guitar lessons. No big deal.

My teacher was this guy in a Christian rock band who had a studio in his parent's basement. My mom was scared he was trying to convert me to his church, but he was just a really nice guy who liked talking about church. I think I went for 1.5 years and learned some Metallica songs and how to play the drums. At some point my dad bought me a guitar too. That's big. I wanted a Fender Stratocaster but the guy at the store sold me on an Ibanez that I never really liked.

My friends and I started band called "Jamal Inc. " and we made really stupid songs about people being gay and stuff. Think about the dumbest thing you've ever heard and then imagine something 1000 times worse and you'd get us. Teenagers right? What a bunch of guys. We'd also sleep over at each other's houses and then sneak out at night and put BBQ sauce on cars. Imagine the musical equivalent of that.

This is too long. Are you still interested in this?

Post Jamal Inc. I didn't play much until grade 11 when I met my friends that I still have to this day. I bought a new amp and a new guitar and we started a band called the Horsekateers that played weezer covers as well as originals such as "Chocolate Dog" "Farm Arms" some song about caves, song for James Bond movie our friends made and one about this little shithead guy we knew. We won a talent show and generally had a lot of fun. Too bad technology wasn't bigger back then because if it was I would probably be able to point you to a poorly filmed youtube clip of us playing at a dance or something. Similarily, it's too bad that hologram technology isn't up to snuff right now or else I'd be on your couch or toilet telling you this L-I-V-E.

2001

In university I started making silly hip hop beats and myself and two friends formed a fake hip hop group called tha So Clar Crew. It consisted of us poorly freestyling while drunk and making beats with as many samples from silly films as we could. I also made started an electronica side project called "The Popcorn Twins" but it's been idle since I haven't been able to use the software I normally use to make the songs because it's not available on Mac computers.

Today I still play guitar a bunch but I don't think I'll ever be in a band again because I'm uncomforatable collarborating with musicians. When I get home I'll scan an old band picture and you'll piss gravy with excitement and wonder.

THERE. Was that so bad? Full chapter of my life explained in a clear and concise manner. Does it get any better than that? That was the best thing you'll experience in the month of January unless you go to the ROM to see the dinosaurs, which is Toronto's best value! Don't go to the snack bar though. Shitty burgers. Blah blah fries. Frowns as far as the eye can see. I dropped a sandwich and didn't pick it up. Bad guys working grills. See? I bet those guys make jokes all the time like when they make a good pizza they say "This thing is so good it belongs in a museum, HAR!" It already is right? Yeah?

FIRST OF THE YEAR 100% 30 ROCK THE OC T-PAIN THIS BLOG SIGN OF THE TIMES

HAPPY 2009. THE FUTURE KEEPS COMING AT US LIKE A WEASEL CHASIN' A PEACH PIE

I didn't post anything yesterday simply because I didn't feel like it. What are you going to do about it? You can't sue me. There's no law here man. I'm the sherriff, the doctor, the lawyer, the police man, the short order cook and the dancing girl of this here town. You could kick my ass, but if you did that you'd be a piece of garbage and I'd use this forum to slander your name and post nude pics of your father. Are we clear on this? THEN LET'S PROCEED

It's kind of strange that I was only 16 in 1999. I feel like I was 21 then. I think I went to a New Year's party at some older chick's house and one of my friends got so drunk he turned green. The same thing happened to me the first time I drank a Colt 45 which was shortly before the aforementioned millennium party. What does this all mean? All we are is dust in the wind.

For this year's party I went over to Comedy Bar, which featured a $50 open bar deal. I had a party of a good time! There's no reason to elaborate really. If I were single I could tell tales of tail and how I was chasin' it all night, but I'm a committed man, so mostly I just watched others kiss all night while I patted Liv's butt every chance I got. Yesterday I felt like like shit and watched several episodes of the Wire as well as the NHL Winter Classic game then went to rehearse some play scenes. I gotta work today!!!!!!!!! FFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFF

I'm planning on being more productive in 09 which is probably the third most requested resolution after losing weight and buying more artichokes, but I don't care because it fits my.....personality profile(?).. really well. Awhile ago I finished that Office script I was working on but I'm too scared to edit it because I feel like it'll suck. These are the humps I need to destroy I guess. I'm the sort of guy that needs someone wispering "you're sooooo good" in my ear all the time or else I just assume I'm not good. That's shitty! AHHHHH.

So follow me into 2009 and keep reading "What I did and how I am". Tell me how you're doing! Ask me for things. Request a song. Tell me the funniest joke. Here's one

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Horton hears a
Horton Hears a Who?
Dr. Seuss

Okay, now you go go outside but you'd better wear your mask