OKAY OKAY OKAY GIVE ME MY YOGURT BACK OR I'LL ACTUALLY STEAL YOUR GLOVE THIS TIME

meow meowoween

Remember that play “Kiss of the Spider Woman”? I remember in the early nineties it must have been playing in Toronto and there were a bunch of ads in the paper and I asked my mom if we could see it because I assumed it was about Spider Woman. She gave a staunch ‘no’. Same thing happened when I wanted to rent “Naked Lunch” because it had an alien in it. Again, staunch ‘no’. But once the tables were turned, the chairs tilted; the cows tipped; the birds clipped; the pizza cooked. I was a boy of 12 or 13 or something, and my mom and sister went to go rent some movies. They came back with one called “Spanking the Monkey”, my mom thinking that it was some sort of zany comedy about a monkey. First off, had she been up to date on the latest slang, she probably wouldn’t have rented it. Secondly, had she actually read the back of the box, she would’ve realized that it’s a rather dark comedy by David O. Russell not about monkeys but about a dude who struggles with an Oedipus complex. It had sex, nudity, language, the whole nine, and myself and my family sat uncomfortably watching the whole thing. My mom was like “that’s not what I expected”. Then I had to tell her what spanking the monkey meant. I think that’s my dad’s favourite story, next to my mom trying to order a Labbatt’s Blue at Molson Park. Sorry mom.

Look at that! A real story, just for you! Served with a side of mashy ‘tates and greeny beans! MmMMMMMmm boy, taste it!




I was looking for a grey cardigan sweater today as the final piece of my costume and was disappointed to find out that this city is dry! No one’s got them. If you have one please give it to me before 10 o clock tonight. Otherwise I’m squeezing into my main squeeze’s, which is built for a slim woman, not a slim man. There’s a good chance I’ll stretch it out which will put the BIG DOG IN THE DOG HOUSE ARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ahahahahah. Did you cringe at that? But seriously, she’ll kill me. Notice how I haven’t divulged my costume yet? I mentioned Halloween again, which I swore I wouldn’t do, so I’d better do some Hail Mary’s. Which brings me to today’s spooky but true story:

Me and my friends Jon and Andy went to a supposedly haunted restaurant/bar in Mississauga because we wanted to see if it was actually haunted. We were all writing stuff and Jon said “Screw this”. He went to the bathroom and did 15 bloody Mary’s into the mirror and came back pretty full of himself. We went back one more time a few days later maybe, and at some point Jon went to go relieve himself. He came back all scared and he wouldn’t tell us what was wrong so we twisted his nuts a little until he admitted that he just peed milk. That was the work of ghosts my friends; or a kidney infection. Either way. GROSS.

So today we learned a little more about my family and friends. The picture is getting clearer right? Stay tuned. Later I’ll brag about how cute I was as a baby and share with you my report cards from grades 1 through 12.

CHRISTMAS IS AROUND THE CORNER, LET'S EAT!

There will be no more Halloween talk until after Halloween where I’ll give you a post game report: How much candy I got, how many houses I egged, my favourite costume, my least favourite costume, sexiest male costume, sexiest female costume etc. I’ll also post my predictions for the ‘08-‘09 NBA season, premiere a hilarious new comic based on Kant’s categorical imperative AND I have an exclusive interview with Delroy Lindo! All coming up next week!

Last night I had a dream that I stole a bag of chips from a store and then immediately regretted it. They weren’t even the kind I wanted and I can easily afford chips. After this dream I tossed and turned all night long and it was really bothering me, so when I woke up I called my good friend Dr. Heath Prickler of the Ontario Dream Institute (ODI) and we met up to talk about my dreams. Here’s what he had to say:

The chips may indicate many things, paramount among them being the fact that you simply like chips.

Spot on Doc. I do love chips. Especially the savory crunch of Miss Vicki’s new Rosemary and Basil chips. Talk about a warm hug on a crisp autumn morn!

The stealing may indicate a need to take back what’s yours. Does this resonate with you?

Not really.

Have you stolen anything lately?

No.

Do you want to steal anything?

No.

Have you ever stolen anything?

Yeah, like forever ago.

Of course. Your subconscious is telling you that you have a yearning to steal again. Specifically chips. You should steal us some chips.

You just described what happened in my dream. Are you a real doctor?

You tell me.

Huh?

I know what your dreams mean.

…....is there such thing as the Ontario Dream Institute?

Can I have some chips?

Get out of here.

We’re in a McDonalds, I can be here if I please

Okay, then I’ll leave.

Please don’t....I'll tell you a joke..

So the guy didn’t really help me at all. I should’ve known he was a fake, as I met him at a murder mystery party. I didn’t really put two and two together at the time. He was really good at that party. He won. I played a disgruntled ex-ball player and spent the whole time eating these homemade spicy peanuts.

All that up there didn’t actually happen. The only real thing in this entry so far is the chips dream, which is serious business. I hope you guys like fake interviews with weirdos because there’s been a lot on here lately.

Here’s some real stuff: I watched Silence of the Lambs for the first time ever last night and it didn’t blow my toes off. I think it’s because so many movies (Se7en, this Christopher Lambert movie ‘Resurrection’ about a guy who makes a new Jesus) have copied it since then so to me it wasn’t that big a deal. But Anthony Hopkins was quite a treat to watch. Who would win in a fight between Hannibal Lecter and Batman? Lecter would eat Batman’s brain and become Hannibal Batman. Silly? Yes. Sorry.

DON'T CRY YOU BABY, AHHH LOOK AT YOU BABY, YOU'RE SMILING!

I didn’t write a cool thing yesterday because I can’t seem to access Blogger from my work computer and I still can’t. Maybe my employer doesn’t like it. If you don’t like that they don’t like it, please send them a letter:

Attn. W.P. Oilhyde III
The Dallas Mavericks
2356 Country Street
Dallas, Texas USA
90215

TODAY’S EPISODE OF ‘WHAT’S ON YOUR HAND, AND WHAT’S ON YOUR OTHER HAND

On one hand I’m drinking a Flavia Chai Latte right now. It tastes like water, milk and cinnamon mixed in equal parts. On the other hand, I made chili two nights ago and it tastes like cowboys, the Wild West, Mexico, fireworks and delicious.

TODAY’S MADE UP GAME

Here’s a game you can play next time you use public transportation. It’s more fun if you have two people, but you can play by yourself also. I’ve only played by myself. First, come up with a disaster scenario. In this example let’s say that big dog heads with bat bodies are on the loose and you’re stuck on a subway. Look around the subway car and come up with:

1) Who you think will go crazy and leave way too early and get eaten right away
2) Who you think will go all religious and crazy
3) Who you think you’ll fall in love with and have sex with when it seems like you’re going to die
4) Who you think will know how to use a gun even though he/she doesn’t look like they know how and becomes a fan favourite
5) Who you’d eat if you had to
6) Who you think will be the big time hero if you think you’re a wiener.

You can come up with more categories if you want. The easiest one is number three because you just look for the most attractive person. If they call you out for staring at them, explain the game and they might forgive you and play along! Or they might say, “I would’ve preferred if you were simply gawking you freak.” To which you say: “Wait ‘till the dog bats come baby! Then you’ll come around!” and then she calls the police.

TODAY’S DIGRESSION

Don’t you hate it when you see dudes that feel the need to be tough guys ALL THE TIME? Like if you’re riding your bike and you see some people about to cross the street and you ring your bell for safety and they’re like “Hey fuck you!” Or if they need to cross the street and they never cross at crosswalks and always at the most dangerous time just because they’re always bad boys? These people bother me. If it were up to me I’d make a low budget comedy starring Sean William Scott called “Bully School” where he plays one of these tough guys, but one day he gets busted for spitting and then a stupid judge played by Rob Corddry or something sentences him to this school where it’s all tough guys and they all learn lessons and the head instructor is a babe and they fall in love. I guess that’s pretty much like going to jail but funny and with a babe. Tiny Lister would definitely be in it and maybe Jack Black as a second lead if I can afford it.

TODAY’S CONSUMER REPORT

WestJet has this promotion this week where if your last name is Candy, Orange, Web or Webb, or Sweet you get a free flight on Halloween. I’d love to see how many people actually do this. First of all, I’ve never known anyone to have the last names Candy or Orange. Second of all, who is going to up and decide to fly somewhere on Halloween? If you have kids you’re not going. They’d never let you. So basically you’d also have to be between the ages of 20-30 lets say. Plus you still have to pay taxes and fees, which is probably a lot. I’m not a frequent flyer so I don’t really know. The first time I went on an airplane I was 19. I’ve never flown with my parents. Sorry WestJet, don’t worry, it’s a fun promotion! I’m just pointing out the obviously stupid parts that really mask the fact that at the end of the day you’re offering free flights (albeit to 0.000000001% of the population). I really hope there’s an Orange family reunion somewhere out there on Friday and all 78 family members get a free flight and old man Orange is like “This is the blessing the Oranges have been searching for.”

But the head guy of WestJet, Danny West, is like,

“Who the fuck authorized this?! 78 free flights? I’m through! You’re all fired! Alla yous! I ain’t joking, I’m losin’ it! I’m really losin’ it this time! Why did I offer stock to employees, ahhhhhhhH!!!!!! They think they can just walk around offering free flights to the bloody Florange family?”
“That’s ‘Orange’ sir?”
“Really? Wait. Like Halloween orange, like, because it’s Halloween today?”
“Yes.”
“That is kinda cute.”

See? Everything is fine here at What I did and How I am. Keep your head clean and your socks twisted and we'll see you tomorrow. For Katie Couric, I'm Chunt Plungraph.

PANDAS PANDAS PANDAS PANDAS FROGS

I don't post on weekends because that's my time to collect things to talk about this week. I didn't collect very much these past few days. I'll try to make the following as interesting as possible and I might throw in some stuff that didn't actually happen, but that's the nature of the biz. Did you know that 98% of the news isn't real? The weather is never real. Neither is sports. It's all made by computers actually. I thought everyone knew that!

Friday me and the gang went to Second City to do the Wet and Sticky show. Everything was going great until half way through our bit when the guys running the DVD player couldn't figure out how to work it. Since our entire set relied on these videos, we were left stranded on stage. I've seen stuff like this happen before but in the end they've always figured out how to work the DVD player and life goes on. Not this time. So we were up there stalling by asking the crowd stuff and I asked anyone if they had a dick or vagina story and this guy came up and said something really dumb and we were like ohhhh geez. We got really fed up because these guys weren't going to figure out how to work this DVD player and skipped to our finale which was a video of a butt taking a dump, which was on a separate DVD so it worked okay. Everyone went ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So we ended up looking kind of silly. After some calming down we were all okay again. Some lady bought us shots and Eugene Levy took us out for tapas. He said he liked my beard but I should think about trimming it just because he's way into personal hygiene and stuff and I was like "If I trim my beard you trim your arm hair you damn bear!" and we all laughed for honestly like 3 hours. I stopped by Ultra Supper Club on the way home to say hi to my bouncer friend Rhino who let me in no problem. I partied till 6 am with these three models from Oslo who said I could travel with them to South Africa next week because I have an eye for fashion and I'm a bit of a muse. I told them to suck eggs and then I went home.

Saturday I did some writing then went to the Keg with my girlfriend's dad and girlfriend. It was just a lovely little time. When I was a child there was a Keg close to my house and I distinctly remember asking my parents if we could go and they were like "It's for adults". So the first time I went to the Keg was like two years ago. My parents deny ever saying this. The evening was spent watching hockey and playing Scatergories. I received a call from the Chicago Tribune at 11:45 pm asking if I could write a political commentary for the early Sunday edition. Since I totally hate it when they do that I told them: "Listen. I'm sitting here on my day off enjoying a glass of champagne and you call me expecting another masterpiece? I'm not your dog, Carl. I can't be taught tricks Carl. You tell your boss that the only thing I'm going to be writing is silly words on this Scatergories game card and next time you need me to bail you out, try asking a little nicer and maybe I'll consider it. Say hi to Janet for me." They called back the next day, apologized and sent over a case of Bacardi. Apology accepted. They wanted to fly me to Philly to cover game 5 tonight but I told them to suck eggs and I hung up.

Here's what I ate on Sunday:

4 strips of bacon
1 bagel with butter
two fried eggs
1 jelly donut
1 slice plain cheese pizza
4 slices chicchios delight pizza
2 mini Kit Kats
2 mini boxes Smarties
1 Tank House ale

I didn't feel so good on Sunday. I watched Home Alone, and then went to my friends' house to carve some pumpkies for a pending Halloween party. I carved a Jack O Lantern into one and then myself and another man worked on one with the Eye of Sauron. Later on I went to see a comedy show which was just a great little event and then took my motorcycle out on the highway until like 3 am. I met up with my guys Puma and Dan Dan and we did some wheelies on the Gardiner before hitting up Coffee Time for a samosa and a coffee. We call it the Siesta Special for some reason. I think Puma made it up. I sure didn't. It's stupid. Dan Dan is getting married in two months and he confessed that he hates his wife already. We asked why he's still going through with it and he said it's because she has these really great towels and she won't tell him where she got them. We called him an immature moron but then he let us try one of the towels and they just blew us away. I got home, make some homemade yogurt (banana blueberry blast) and went to bed. My brother called at 7 am and I told him to suck eggs even though he just wanted to say hi.

The next couple of days I'm assembling a costume and making chili.

A VERY SPOOKY STORY FOR YOU

The other night I was telling that girl I live with about how when I was a kid all I wanted was to be like everyone else and blend in like crazy. If I had it my way we would've all worn sweat pants and Toronto sports teams t-shirts. Except the girls. I don't remember what my taste in girls was back then, but I don't think I would've wanted them to look like me. I'm no rattlesnake. Do you think animals can really tell each other apart? I guess they use their noses not their eyes. Humans are very eye-oriented, which makes us quite a bit like hawks and other birds of prey. I should write a ground-breaking scientific paper on the subject - WHY WE'RE LIKE HAWKS. I guess the only proof I have is the eye theory, the fact we both eat meat, our mutual love of flight and we like to swim every once and a while. GROUNDBREAKING. In Lord of the Rings the Eagle is one of the most respected creatures. Perhaps JRR Tolkien shared my insights. I also think wizards are as cool as he does. 2 peas in a pod guy. Back to girls, although I'd rather talk hawks - I think all I wanted was a girl that would talk to me so I wouldn't have to talk to her. This is because I was scared of girls. I was scared of girls and dogs. Now I'm going to talk about a Halloween story that ties into my wanting to blend in. For all the romantics in the room, there's no more girl talk so you can leave now and watch a Mark Ruffalo movie.

In grade 2 every kid in class was going to be Batman because that's just what kids do right? Most kids had this standard costume you could get at any old Zellers or Bi-Way that had a plastic mask and some sort of bib, but for some reason my grandma decided to make my Batman suit. I finally saw it before Halloween and it was this totally awesome, well detailed costume and I really didn't want to wear it because I knew I'd be the centre of attention. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I think it required me wearing tights as well. I'm pretty sure I ended up wearing it and everything was cool. But I learned a lesson that day.

So next Halloween I think it was, I really didn't want to dress up. But since everyone wore a costume to school I decided I had to wear something, because I'd stick out more if I was dressed in my street wear. So I found middle ground by dressing up as a "Construction Worker" which consisted of overalls, a turtleneck and some work gloves I found in the garage. My mom was really trying to help me and she was like "Well if you're going to be a construction worker why don't you wear your dad's hard hat?" But in my mind that was way too over the top. I'd stand out too much! So I went to school and I remember some girl being like "What are you supposed to be?" and I just was like "A construction worker?" like I totally knew I didn't really have much.

In conclusion I've never really been a big Halloween guy. I loved trick or treating but who doesn't? If you were a kid and you didn't go trick or treating it means either your parents were strict and religious or you were one of those kids who was way to smart for that kind of thing and instead preferred to make models or play with circuits and stuff. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Tonight if you're sitting around eating cheesies and wiping the dust on your sock so you end up with orange socks, then why not come down to Second City for "The Wet and Sticky Show". It starts at 11pm. It's comedians doing their gross material. I will be performing a vignette along with my friends that'll make you barf poo until you... I don't know, explode with...barf...and then you poo more that mixes with barf and makes like a beef stew that a dog will eat and gross everyone out, but the dog doesn't care because he sees with his nose. A hawk wouldn't eat that shit. The show also features Jon Dore, Nikki Payne and Paul Bellini who wrote for Kids and the Hall.

This entry was a little too straight forward for my tastes, but there's some good information in there. If you thought my Halloween story was any good, feel free to steal it and use it at a party you go to this weekend.

THINGS ARE GOING GREAT....EXCEPT I JUST REALIZED I LEFT MY KID IN THE WASHING MACHINE... BRB

I apologize to those who stayed up all night waiting for the final part of the Jason Priestley interview, but his publicist called me and ordered me not to print it because he really slams Stephen Harper and they didn't want it to get out. Since I'm loyal to my readers and wish to uphold my status as a member of the fourth estate, here's a brief excerpt:

WIDAHIA: Now Jason, we've talked extensively about Euclidian geometry, the internal combustion engine and you're brief stint as a total dreamboat, so I thought we've move into political territory. Do you ever see yourself running for office?

JP: I'd be lying if I said I've never considered it. Politics is very big in my life. If not for local legislation in the small town in Kentucky where I have my farm, I would've never been able to plant the peach trees to make my famous "Priestley and Sons Kentucky Country Preserves" It made me realize how important public service really is.

WIDAHIA: I didn't know you made preserves.

JP: I don't.

WIDAHIA: Huh?

JP: Back to politics Bill.

WIDAHIA: Glenn.

JP: I haven't lived in Canada since I was a teen of fifteen, but I follow the news closely. Stephen Harper is a booger lipped vampire. Is there any more Kool-Aid in that jug?

WIDAHIA: This is water and yes, there's more of it.

JP: Clear is my favourite Kool-Aid flavour. I invented it.

WIDAHIA: Oh yeah? What else did you invent?

JP: Music.

WIDAHIA: Alright, I'm outta here.

MMMMMM satisfying. Let's move on.

THING THAT'S GOOD BUT ALSO BAD OF THE DAY

Who here buys deli meat? When you buy it from a place that slices themselves they usually put it in a resealable bag and you're like, "That's great. Seal in the freshness. All provided. I'm happy today". Then you get home and make a sandwich and everything's fine until you try to re-seal the package they provided. AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO CLOSE! The worst Ziplock style bags you'll ever use. It's more frustration than it's worth. So here's my plea to deli's: We really appreciate the bags but they're the worst and make me want to slam my fist through something soft that'll still make a loud noise so that it seems like I'm more angry than I probably am. There. Case closed. Next case is Mattel vs. Tonka.

I'm more of a Mattel man. Sleek, stylish. Tonka is too tough for me. 'Mattel Tonka' would be a good alias to go by if you ever get famous and want to anonomously check into a hotel. At the same time it would make a really stupid band name. Do you think Tonka and Mattel hate each other? They both fight for the dreams of little boys everywhere.

"I KNOW WHAT BOYS WANT!"

"NO! I KNOW WHAT BOYS WANT!"

That's them fighting at a conference.

See you tomorrow!

MORNING REPORT

Good morning....put on your slippers...mmmmm..soft comfort... smell that?....wife's makin' coffee...pour some cereal....Crispix....last few squares in the box...mmmm....love that soft crunch

That's the voice in your head when you wake up if you're a married man who loves Crispix and his dirty old slippers. Let's read the paper:

Weather

Today's weather will probably be shitty and you'll complain about it at least once.

Sports

In sports the Leafs lost last night if you care. If you don't care then nothing happened because you don't care.

Local News

TTC, Liberals, latest murder, economy, tainted meat, maybe Afghanistan, Leafs

World News

In world news, still no signs of an alien visitation. Everything else is pretty much the same as yesterday as far as this reporter can tell. Maybe someone died, but no one that big because no one's mentioned it to me in person today.

Horroscope

Every sign - You're fairly satisfied with life but generally want more. You want more money and you wish it was warmer.

Personals

Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Crazy woman seeks hunk

Classifieds

Nothing you want probably. Some apartments at Bathurst and Lawrence. Free kitties.

You're caught up! This has been Morning Report. Stay tuned later today when I wrap up my 19 part interview with Canadian celebrity Jason Priestly. In the final installment we talk about his trip to Rome and why the Coliseum was kind of a let down, although he's glad he went nonetheless.

KEEP SHAKING YOUR SHOULDERS JUST LIKE THAT OHHH BABY

I bought AC/DC's "Black Ice" today and although I love AC/DC with all my heart, the thing is kinda shitty. The funniest part are the pictures in the CD booklet thing, which show that perhaps they're finally getting a bit too old to rock. Phil Rudd's picture looks like an over-the-hill actor's head shot and Angus looks like he really didn't want to put on that school boy outfit again. I'm not very strong but I think I could pick up Angus and lift him over my head. Before I die I'm going to do that. I'm also going to finally get around to making a prototype of the beach pillow, record a hip hop album, start my own sandwich store, be a Big Brother, go dirt biking, drive a Lamborghini, spend a week on a yacht, and eat a meal that's like $500.

That sounds like a really bad movie in the "Bucket List" or "Into the Wild" tradition. It'd be like Into the Wild but the guy does all this silly stuff instead and doesn't die because he's smart and not some stuck up hippie idiot. He keeps in contact with his parents at all times and even includes them during parts of his journey. So I didn't like Into the Wild. Get off my back. I thought it looked good, but I just couldn't get behind that guy. Sort of like reading Gordon Ramsay's autobiography, which didn't really help in making him look like a good guy. There's this one part where he's working as a chef on this billionaire's yacht and the crew is partying one day while the billionaire is gone and when the billionaire gets back Ramsay rats on the entire crew and they all get fired. And he's like, "If I could do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing."

I don't know about that. I don't think I've ever really ratted on anyone, but then again I haven't really had the opportunity to. It's because I steer clear of controversy and because I'm neutral to most situations, which is one of those things that's, well, neutral. It's not a good quality and it's a not a bad quality either. Neutral is neutral, bad is bad, good is good. I'm getting confused. I think it's like if I was an ombudsman or a juror, neutrality is good, but if I'm a president or an Army commander, call sign "Python Cannon", then it's bad. Example:

"Hey Python Cannon, should we shoot these rebels and eat their oats, or just let them go and maybe they'll just give us some anyway, or what?" said Lt. Bill 'Concrete' Dubois.

"Well Concrete, if we shoot them we get their oats no problem and since we're commandos, shooting people is no big deal. But they do have families and they've been pretty cool so far. That little guy is really funny. Hmmmmm," answered Python Cannon.

"It was sort of a rhetorical question man. We usually shoot rebels. We haven't eaten in six days and those are the plumpest oats I ever saw," replied Concrete.

"Yeah I guess so. Hmmm. Give me like 3 minutes. I'm going to call my dad first," said Python Cannon.

"Geez man, we're commandos here.... Hey! What are you looking at? AHAhhahaha oh I see you made a moustache out of dirt. Hey boss! This little guy is the greatest!" said Concrete.

That's actually an excerpt from a Hardy Boys novel I'm working on called "Curse of the Haunted Tote". It's about a bag. A really bad bag. It's got adult situations and there's one part where the boys go skinny dipping with two models from Manhattan and you know... they do it. Then there's this cheesy line where Linda, one of the models goes, "Now I know why they call you the HARDY Boys". Then Frank Hardy goes, "Did you get a peak at my driver's license?" and then the girl goes "No I'm talking about your weiner". GROSS. I had pressure from the publisher to put that in. I redeem myself in the last chapter when there's a helicopter fight in a volcano during a typhoon.

Now who noticed that I mentioned "Yachts" twice today? That means that I must really like them. Next time you go yachting please call me so I can come. I'll bring fresh fruit and a carefree attitude!

DON'T EAT THAT IT ISN'T FOOD

You know what the best part of being a celebrity would be? The ability to turn situations surreal. Take George Clooney for example. He's one of the biggest these days right? If he wanted he could make your day surreal just by his presence. Like if he was bored in Toronto, he could take the elevator up to my office do a lap, wave and then leave and everyone would go fuckin bananas. That's some kind of power. He could even take it a step further and like knock on your door and try to sell you something. The only downside is that you'd automatically assume it was for a show. The funny thing is no one would believe you! That means he also has the power to make you seem crazy.

"Hey Beth, it's Candy, Guess what? George Clooney just tried to deliver flowers to my house!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"No it was really him!!"
"Well what was it for?"
"I don't know. He was by himself. He drove away in a Ford Tempo. It was him for sure."
"I'm going to call my friend Dr. Rosebud. He's going to help you."
"Help me find him?!"
"No he's going to put you in a godamn straight jacket you loon. Stay away from my kids."

CLICK

See? It would play out just like that! If anyone famous is reading this please go to someone's house and do this please. Then tell me about it. Or tell me before so I can go watch. You know what, just give me some money. Just give me $200. That's nothing to you. That's honestly like me giving you $2. That's how much more money you make than me. At least that. Just come on. Take me out for dinner. I won't say much. You're selfish. You're a selfish weak idiot.

Sorry for the outburst, I'm mad because I have a cold and it's Monday and I'm not in Hawaii right now. At any given time it's fun to think of your ideal situation. Like right at this moment, if I had to the power to make it happen, I'd be on the beach with a bucket of fried chicken and a pitcher of lemonade. I'm willing to bet that most people on most days of their lives would rather be at the beach. That's why people in California are so damn happy all the time. They live in a dream land filled with bikinis and good Mexican food. I think I've talked about this before. Sorry. Mr. Big bars for everyone.

Last evening I was out for dinner at the Epicure Cafe and toward the end of our stay these three hosers sat down near us and were a wealth of sound bites. One guy that ordered was so damn specific about what he wanted. Fries, well done, no salt. That's weird. Then they talked about piss for about 15 minutes while the well-to-do couple who were researching ski vacations behind them tried to eat. I don't have great manners but that was pretty bad. One guy said if you piss on a burn it heals it. I don't think that's true. Is it? Let me know. They eventually got onto talking about drinking piss and how if you have no water and are stranded, there's nothing left to do but drink piss. I take issue with that as well. Then this Asian girl with a short skirt walked by and they were like "oooh baby, is that the one from before?" They must have been scoping Asian babes all day long!

ON SALE NOW - GLASSES, EYEBALLS, GOGGLES, STORMS

I saw some kids in Kensington Market today on a field trip no doubt and they were talking about hookahs or something and I was like "pfff kids". Then this little guy was like, "Guys! look a _____" and I couldn't understand what he said but I figured he was talking about a bong store or a dirty old dog or something and was like "pshhhhh". But I turned around to look anyway and he was talking about a Ford GT-500 (a super space car) that was parked and I was like "okay that is pretty cool". The moral of this story is that sometimes kids aren't the worst. Some of them you could probably hang out with and teach them about things that were before their time like Billy Madison or Collective Soul. When my 5 year old cousin was over for Thanksgiving I tried to talk to her like I'd talk to an adult, and even though she's smart it just didn't work. She just didn't get it and kept begging me to hang her upside down by her feet. Simple times for kids man, simple times. I'm scared that when I have a child I'm going to talk adult to it all the time and it won't learn English properly because I'll confuse it all day with words like "exclamation".

Talking about people you see on the street makes you wonder if anyone has ever heard you say something silly and told all their friends or written about it on the internet. I'd love to come across someone talking about one of my conversations. Something really silly that I could clarify personally. Because sometimes you hear people and you're like "What could that possibly mean? 'I tied my door and let the mosquitoes borrow the carrots I'd left heward'? Is heward a word? Those people are so fuckin weird." But really they're just good pals who have their only language and like to have fun probably like guys in Kevin Smith movies that say smoogy boogies and snootchies and all that.

I was at HMV today and I was looking to buy an Ernest movie or two when I came across "The Essential Ernest Collection" for $6.99 and my heart leapt! But all the movies included were garbage! I'm a big fan of Ernest Goes to Camp, Ernest Saves Christmas, and the funniest movie of all time, Ernest Scared Stupid, and would've paid 30 dollars for a collection of this magnitude, but instead they included Ernest Goes to Africa, Ernest in the Army and some greatest hits bullshit. I expected Ernest Rides Again, Ernest Goes to School and Ernest Goes to Jail, which I've seen but don't think are very good and might've even considered paying 6.99 for all three, but GEEEEEZZZZ. Basically they picked the most unwatchable Ernest they could've possibly picked so I bought Back to the Future instead, which I decided everyone should probably own.

I'm not working today so if you're near my house start yelling and maybe I'll hear you and you can buy me something nice. You probably didn't get me a birthday present this year so it's really not a big deal. Buy me something.

DO IT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY (YELLOW, DUSTY, SLOW, STUPID)

This is a message to all you kids out there - I'm going to talk about some adult stuff today, so if your mommy is in the room, you'd better tell her to go suck a sack, because things are going to get real TEENAGER real fast. If you're an adult and are uncomfortable with the human body, please skip to the very last paragraph where there's a small disussion about shirts.

Item number one is cleavage. Does the word only ever refer to the amount of boob a girl shows at any given time? I highly doubt it. While I go check the dictionary, enjoy this WeIrD movie:



I'm back.

Okay so I'm disappointed to report that cleavage does have more than one meaning:

1. the act of cleaving or splitting.
2. the state of being cleft.
3. the area between a woman's breasts, esp. when revealed by a low-cut neckline.
4.a critical division in opinion, beliefs, interests, etc., as leading to opposition between two groups: a growing cleavage between the Conservative and Liberal wings of the party.
5.the tendency of crystals, certain minerals, rocks, etc., to break in preferred directions so as to yield more or less smooth surfaces (cleavage planes).
6.Embryology. the total or partial division of the egg into smaller cells or blastomeres.
7.Also called scission. Chemistry. the breaking down of a molecule or compound into simpler structures.

Third billing! Not bad! Was I dumb for thinking it might only mean boobs? I guess I didn't actually think it would, but it would've brightened my day.

This may be trite, but I still think it's funny that a woman can show her whole breast, but it's not pornographic until you see a nipple and yet a man's nipple is fine no matter what. If we're talking butts then it's pretty much an even playing field - you can't really show butts but if you do it isn't that bad, man or woman. Same with genitalia - even steven. It must have something to do with milk. That's a pretty old fashioned way of thinking if you ask me. Girl nips probably became taboo because some bozo on 1765 was like:

"The sacred milk circles that emblazon a woman's breast shall henceforth be covered by silk at all times except on high holidays and when the female is feeding her calf by order of the King. Failure to comply shall result in death by a lobster pit or if the offender is part of the nobility she shall pay a small fine of three wooden nickels and two barrels of mead. The Queen doesn't have to comply at all because she is a sexy babe and she can do what she wants, when she wants. Meeting adjourned, now let's go hunt bears and go sailing before supper. Hey Queen, you can take that robe off you know. It's legal for you. I just decreed it. OH YEAH, CHECK THOSE NIPPIES OUT FELLAS!"

If you didn't think that quote was funny, go back and picture John Cleese reading it. Still nothing? I don't blame you. I didn't think Juno was any good, but a lot of other people seemed to like it. Let's all respect each other's opinions. But seriously, if you didn't like that you DEFINITELY won't like the next part of this entry.

Has anyone ever seen a time lapse boner? I'm very comfortable in my sexuality. I love ladies more than I love candy, but I really think seeing a time lapse boner would be kind of funny and somewhat interesting. There's gotta be one out there somewhere. I bet it would look like those time lapse shots of a plant growing, where it sort of flops up. That's some food for thought for your Thursday evening.

One last thing. I never tuck in my shirt because I think I look really stupid when I do so. Could it be that I truly don't look good and everything is cool, or am I not tucking right?

YOU KNOW I KNOW HE KNOWS SHUT UP OKAY

I was in a store buying some Halls medicated lozenges today, and I saw some old guy buy a pack of Clorets. I wonder if anyone under the age of 16 has ever bought Clorets. It's just one of those brands that only old people buy. The question is - was it always this way? Did I just blow your mind out of your ass and then step on it with big boots with spikes on them with that question? Imagine Clorets used to be the gum/mint of choice of greasers in the 50's? And as they got older they kept eating them but since they were soooooo bad no other generation dared to try them because they didn't want to step on the bikers' gum turf and so that's why? I really really really really really hope that's why. I keep bringing up greasers because they're just so damn fascinating. Anyway, the same goes for Vernors Ginger Ale, Buicks, Cherry Blossoms and Molson Stock Ale. I love brands that survive yet have no advertising budget whatsoever. I want to become loyal to something like that. Maybe...... hmmmmm.......Big Turk??? I sometimes eat those......only sometimes....ummm...what... about....those zingy zap things you get out of those candy machines at grocery stores and bulk barns. Yeah those. I'm loyal to those. Henceforth.

When I was a kid my cousin and I went to the store to buy chocolate bars and pops, and he grabbed a Vernors and I was like, "what the hell is that shit?" and he goes "you've never had Vernors?! It's the best!". So I bought some too, pretended to like it and never drank it again. This begs the question - how did my cousin, who was not even pubic at the time, get addicted to Vernors? Did he actually like it? It tastes like crap. Maybe he tricked me and told all his friends and to this day they still tell the story as I am right now. I'm known as the Vernors cousin.

When I worked at a grocery store as a teen I saw an old man buy a case of diet Vernors and I was all like, "everything is right in the world today". Old people were buying Vernors, cats still hated dogs, hats were cool and fries and gravy were still accepted the world over, and you know what? Ten years later these still hold true. Earth man, Earth. Hell of a place to live. Great water, great soil, challenging deserts, delicious hot dogs, big snakes, mathematics, colourful flags, weird movies. It's all there. Yours to Discover. Keep it Beautiful. Canada's Ocean Playground.

I overheard a security guard talking to a man in the building that my office is in and she was saying how a drunk guy came in and was trying to find his AA sponsor. Now that's not a good story. It would've been happier had the guy been addicted to candy and he needed to visit his buddy who gets free Rolos for some reason. What's everyone's opinions on sex addiction? I think it's funny, but I'm sure it's serious business in real life. But just picture some horn dog at a security desk asking them where so and so works because he just has to bang. It doesn't hurt anyone. Unless he had an important meeting and missed it. He'd get home and his wife would go,
"Frank, why the HELL weren't you at the meeting today?"

"How'd you know I wasn't there!"

"Your boss Ralpho called!"

"That son of a bitch!"

"Well...where the fuck were you?"

"Having sex again..."

"Ah shit. Who with?"

"Betty Stromboni."

"Why didn't you come find me?"

"I didn't want us both to get fired."

"You're the best husband in the world."

That was a fairly realistic conversation. Can't you picture that on a show called "All The Time" and it would be on Showtime and would follow a pathetic guy with a sex addiction who has an overly supportive wife? It beats that Californication garbage. That show stinks. You like it? Fine, but I'm not changing my mind because I'm a loyal guy. Loyal to my opinions. Unless you can convince me otherwise. I dare you. Whatever, who cares.

Since there was a lot of talk about Vernors today, go out and buy a can and tell me what you think. Go for its authentic barrel-aged taste. Maybe I'd like it now. I have been on a bit of a ginger ale kick lately. Buy some Vernors please. VERNORS

ACCORDING TO SOME GUY PAUL, COFFEE SUCKS

Today I exercised my right as a citizen and voted for someone I don't care about for something I don't care about. I went to a church to vote and since I moved recently I didn't have my voter card. Let me tell you - the guy filling out the forms for people like me was the slowest man in the world at writing English text. I get impatient easily and I try not to get mad, and this time I was fairly calm because I really wasn't in a rush and there was nothing I could do, but this girl in front me was piiiisssseed. She seemed really into girl power and the CBC based on the buttons on her bag. She even had buttons about how she's a woman and can vote. Duhhh. That's old news. You might as well be wearing a button that says "BEYOND EARTH THERE IS SPACE" or "PAPYRUS RULES, STONE DROOLS" or "CATS AREN'T ACTUALLY MAGIC". Get it? That's an Egyptian joke from the ROM. The Egyptians thought cats were magic, sort of like how we think the Q-Ray bracelet is magic. Not really. But they're both totally wrong. hahahahah a magic bracelet. That's seriously stupid. The only magic I believe in is the magic of love. Ohh baby.

Sooooooo, when I finally got up there the guy was filling out my last name (after I had to assure him that 'Glenn' was indeed my first name, not my last), and he got to M-A-C and I was like, "geez old man you're taking forever". So I looked away for what seemed to be a pretty long time and when I looked back he was just finishing the L-A-Y. That means that in the time I looked away he managed to complete A-U. Those aren't good stats. I'm no Peter Calligraphy myself, but I assure you I can print faster than that.

While this is going on this little wiener who worked there was wandering around looking over people's shoulders and not doing anything and I felt like saying, "hey wiener, fill out my form. Tropical man here doesn't seem to understand the concept of April and I've got eggs to cook brother." That April thing is a reference to when the guy asked for my birthday and I told him to write "0-4" for April and his pen stopped dead. I have a strange feeling my vote won't count because of that guy. Injustice!! I don't care. The only thing I've ever voted for that I felt passionate about was in University when the students had to vote on construction of a new sports facility that wouldn't be done until long after we were all gone. It would've meant a tuition raise, so obviously I didn't want to pay for something I'd never get to use. I honestly couldn't figure out why anyone would want vote "yes". And I'm no hippie, but I really think that money should've went toward the shitty libraries we had to use. I voted a strong "no" but somehow "yes" won and it was then I decided I didn't fit in at university. Don't worry guys, I finished. That should be the end of my autobiography, or anyone's for that matter. "DON'T WORRY GUYS, I FINISHED". The end. Also available from Ding Dong Books, "Great Gravies and Simple Sauces for Kids" by Pete Rose and his wife Debbie, and "Get Outta Town! My Life" by Julia Roberts.

I have to stop watching TV before I go to bed. I've been watching a lot of "The Wire" lately and if I watch it right before bed it stays with me all night. A couple of days ago it was especially bad. I dreamed all night and would be half asleep trying to solve the case. At one point I actually thought I solved it and then had to convince myself it wasn't real. Last night I watched Mad Men before bed and all I could think and dream about was business. Then I'd half wake up and be like "ohhh man, so tired, gotta get back to business", and then I'd fall back asleep and the circle of life would continue. Hakuna Matata! Imagine Africa made a movie about pigeons or something and they had a Hakuna Matata song but since it's English, the big phrase would be "How's it Going?" Also, imagine Mermaids were real?! When I was a kid I thought mermaids were the hottest. Not anymore. My tastes in fictional babes has changed. I think I prefer warrior princesses now. Or humanoid alien babes. Heavy Metal was on the other day and I'm a pretty big dweeb when it comes to sci-fi and fantasy and stuff, but Heavy Metal is too much. It's like if in Star Wars Princess Leia was naked the whole time. Yeah, that's what we all want, but it's a private thing. Heavy Metal is like watching the mind of a 15 year old dweeby perv. Anyone see the Heavy Metal South Park episode? Oh mercy, here's some:

I'M EATING PEACHES 'CAUSE THERE'S NO WORK TOMORROW

Ahhhhhh yes, another autumn harvest's eve (Thanksgiving). This is a day where people fire up their BBQ's and cook goose over the open flame, while mama and the kids search the woods for wild potatoes and those frogs you can eat. This day I'm always reminded of the immortal words of Ace Frehley when he sang, "Shock me, make me feel better. Shock me, put on your black leather". Sit me down overlooking the highway, give me a diet coke and play me that song and I'll be smilin' till the dogs bring home breakfast...

That up there was supposed to be an arty composition about Thanksgiving, but like, really silly. Did it work? Picture some boring guy on CBC radio reading that.

I was on the subway today and someone had tagged a window by scratching it with something and it said "ASC". I was trying to think of what that could possibly mean, and I thought it would be funny if it stood for "Alberta Sports Club" or something like that. The Sports Club isn't doing so good these days and so they launched a new modern initiative to reach out the urban youth. Club president Dennis Eat had this to say at their most recent pow wow:

"So go out there to our community and spread the gospel of the Sports Club. Scribble our initials anywhere you can and let them know that we're the place to be. Our facilities our unrivaled. We have to best floor hockey equipment in town. Our new slushy machine is top notch and so far the kids have gone absolutely bonkos over it. We`ll be handing out spray paint and big markers shortly."

It just doesn't make sense that there would be a branch of the Alberta Sports Club in Toronto. Confusing graffiti is one of my favourite things. In University I used to write things on desks that I knew people would be really confused by. Like you write down a recipe or give tips on how to make meatloaf more moist. You could also do things like write "John Candy" and then when you'd come back the next day you'd find people had written all his movies down around his name. Democracy baby, democracy. Sometimes I'd write something like "Orion Pictures in association with Amblin Entertainment presents a Steven Spielberg film - E.T. the Extra Terrestrial". I hope people got a kick out of that. NEXT

I watched that DVD I ordered. It sucked hard balls all over town. But that was to be expected. You know what movie I hate? Moulin Rouge. I don't feel like talking about Moulin Rouge today. I really don't. That's like, the last thing I want to do today. Sit down and talk about Moulin Rouge. If Bill Clinton himself came over to my house and offered me a chance to hang out and talk Moulin Rouge, I'd spit in his floppy face and send him to bed early with no supper. Then I'd watch the first two Crocodile Dundees just to remind myself that there are some good Australians out there. I'm talking of Baz Luhrmann of course. I sure hope he's Australian, otherwise that made no sense and you'll think I'm a bozo. I really don't like that guy. I really don't want to talk about Baz Luhrmann today. If Carl Reiner himself showed up to my house and offered to talk Baz Luhrmann, I'd spit on his trousers and send him to the zoo with no camera or money. I'm not going to do it. Not today. Today is a special day on the calendar. Top 5 probably. Christmas being the undeniable number 1. The best Thanksgiving movie of all time is "Dutch".

Here's a secret family recipe:

Thanksgiving Party Sour Yam-Yams

7 yams
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 pickles
1 tsp of thyme
3 pints of whatever beer you want

Throw everything in a pan and bake for 3 hours at 374. You'll know where they're done because the yams will turn brown.

I once posted a blog on my fake Mats Sundin MySpace page and I gave a drink recipe that I made up and some guy actually tried it. Check it out here. I tried to make the blogs as silly as possible but still seem real. My Mats owns a horse and loves the DaVinci Code.

THE CALM BEFORE THE FLORM

Now that the whole FedEx DVD debacle is over and done with, we can get back to business - which around here means getting back to talking about things like poo and complaining a lot.

Remember that clown Frank D'Angelo? He's back. Instead of promoting beer, he's decided to continue to promote his "music". Check out this excerpt from a press release he sent out:

When Frank D'Angelo and his band grab the stage it's like an unexpected blast of energy. Singing all time favorite tunes in his distinctive high energy R&B style Frank woos his audience like no other entertainer can.

I disagree with 100% of that. What does he offer that no other entertainer can? Greasy fake hair, stupid shirts and dirty rings? I bet some woman in Thunder Bay thinks he's sexy. Imagine this guy was your dad?

People would be all like, "geez dude, your dad is a terrible singer and a bit of an asshole."
"Well.. nyeahoooo...I don't know.... I mean... come on....no?.... really?"
You know, like his son can't admit it? It's good that he donates a lot of the proceeds from his CD to charity, but I have a sinking feeling that he's only doing it as an incentive to buy it. Is it bad to think that? I think I can safely assume. I mean look at the guy. He's honestly a living joke. Russell Oliver gets more respect than this guy. At least he admits that all he wants is money.

Today I had to return some bottles to the beer store and also buy some new bottles of beer to replace them. My new place isn't very close to any beer stores, so I decided to utilize the cart that the previous tenants left behind. Bad idea. I now know why they left it behind. The handle is waaaay too short! Carrying around a cart is degrading enough, but when you look awkward when doing it, your embarassment levels increase by, oh I don't know, 6 times or something. Added to the bad experience was the fact that the closest beer store was closed for renovations so I had to go even further. But still you guys. Not so bad. It could've been worse. A wheel could've broken or I could've been raped, so all in all, it was a good day. I saw the Goodyear blimp and it say Glenn Macaulay's a pimp. <---- Ice Cube, right? The funny thing about Ice Cube is that if you went back in time and told people that he's now an actor that makes family films they'd be like "ah hell no". Like they would make fun of that in a movie about the future. Get it? Example: If I were to make a movie today about the future and I wanted a quick joke I could put a fake ad in it saying something like "LIL WAYNE STARS IN 'CAMP POO POO', WHERE HE PLAYS A DAD WHO TAKES OVER A SILLY CAMP AND TEACHES KIDS HOW TO LOVE THEMSELVES AND EACH OTHER" and everyone would laugh. Did that make sense? Basically Ice Cube's career has taken some twists and turns! Who saw Bill Murray on Letterman? That bit they did was out of left field. What a man though. What a man. Do you ever see a guy on the street and he's dressed really bad, like his pants don't fit and his hair is all over the place, and deep down you really hope that he's in a really cutting edge band that's going to make millions, but that's unlikely and he's probably just a guy down on his luck? I saw a guy like that today. That's the thing with guys in some bands. They straddle the line between guy with no money and no house and guy with some money in band that is cool. I like when you go see a band and you've never seen pictures of them before and then you see them and they look nothing like you thought they would. Mostly when they end up looking like teachers or dads, when you would assume they'd look like that guy who used to be on MTV who pretended to be homeless.

That's all! This weekend I have to the place to myself. I hope that at the end of the weekend it'll be like Bachelor Party and there will be like motorcycle tracks, a horse, some weird guys and stuff in my apartment and when my steady girl gets back she'll be like "WHAT HAPPENED!!??" and I'll be there in a tuxedo with a martini and twin babes in bikinis on each arm and I'll shrug and say "I don't know!" then the credits will role and some song party song by Cinderella will play.

...AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

The proof is in the DVD there. See it? That's me! Check out how long my beard is getting. My chin is nowhere to be found. PLUS I may be able to incorporate beards into a top secret Halloween project. PLUS on the way home I met Darryl Sittler in some sort of Maple Leafs truck! I got a t-shirt, some silly wig thing and a useless flag!!! Things are happenin' baby!!! Next stop - fabulous RENO NEVADA!!!!!! Just kidding, I never want to step foot in that shit factory.

LET'S ALL JUST TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND EAT CANDY

Okay, I've calmed down a little. I'll be okay until tomorrow when I proabably won't receive my DVD again. Here's something to get you and I through the day:



This song pops into my head a lot. Sort of like that I love food song I mentioned a couple days back. Do you work for FedEx? Help me.

PLAID! (AS A SWEAR WORD)

FedEx said they came again but they didn't!!!!!!!!!!









Why does this always happen? FedEx is supposed to be the best right?! I'm a UPS man from now until forever. Mark my words. Maybe I'll write them a strongly worded letter. It worked in Summer School. Get some Cool Dude sunglasses, know what I mean?





I can't concentrate I'm so mad. All this for the shittiest DVD which I'm only buying because my friend is in it:




AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


ROARRRR like that T-Rex ooooooooooooooooo I wish I could eat that inept FedEx driver! Not really, but if I turned into a dinosaur today I'd go after him. No court would convict me except dinosaur court, but T-Rex is judge in dinosaur court probably! AHHHHHh

YOU CAN KILL ME BUT I'LL KNOW AND YOU'LL GO TO JAIL

I've had the worst luck with FedEx. A few months ago I was offered a free Microsoft Zune as part of a viral marketing campaign. They tried to send it to me through FedEx but they always came when no one was home. Actually, one time I waited at home all day but they never came even though they said they did. I was so mad it wasn't even funny. I did eventually get it, only to find out that Zunes aren't compatible with Macs. So don't get a Zune and don't use FedEx. I didn't even need a Zune as I have an ipod, but you can't turn away free things. That's a rule I have. That and always order the burger at a restaurant if you're having trouble deciding. You'll be automatically satisfied and you're guaranteed fries.

Back to FedEx: Recently, I ordered a DVD from this shitty company and they never sent it to me so I emailed the hell out of them and they finally sent it 2 days ago using FedEx priority service. It was supposed to come today at noon. According to the FedEx tracking system, the guy showed up but he didn't ring my doorbell. I think he tried calling me but I didn't answer my phone in time so I didn't get it (it might not have been him, but you know, detective work. Logical explanation). If I somehow miss the guy again tomorrow I'm going to be more frustrated than the time I tried to watch Dune. Dune. Zune. Ancient Rune. Now I'll admit, our apartment is a bit hard to identify, but if the guy took a few minutes to survey the scene he would've figured it out. It makes me mad just thinking about it. I'm going to think of lasagna instead...cheese, sauce, ricotta, pasta, ohhh yeahh, how about some caesar salad... yeah that'll do....... an ice cold Brio? Why not?...... next course, veal parmesan with extra veal.... mmm okay... sure I'll have more salad, put more bacon bits in this time.... extra charge? Okay, never mind...... are croutons free? Pile em on.. mmm yeah.

BABY IS BACK AND GOT BACK

The weekend is over! Shit!

Sure enough, on Saturday I went to go see some art on the streets and it was alright. Nothing blew my nuts off and my legs got destroyed from walking so far, but it is always nice seeing the streets packed with people with positive attitudes. I would like to offer one bit of criticism and since Mayor David Miller reads this blog and is a close, personal friend of mine (we curl on Sundays then go for shakes) I think I could influence some change: I'm sick of zombies being involved in everything these days, including Nuit Blanche, which I believe roughly translates to "Nighty Bing Bong". Zombies are the comeback story of the new millenium along with poker and pirates. Don't get me wrong, I love a good zombie story as much as the next guy, but get them out of my face man. Too bad werewolves aren't enjoying the same kind of resurgence. They're much scarier because they're fast, have big teeth and your dad could be one and you wouldn't know until you hit puberty and you become one and struggle with your werewolfism like most teens struggle with zits and pubes.

Also, there should be more food themed art pieces. I spent a long time trying to find a hot dog, but to no avail. I got a burger at Hart House at the end of the night, but the only toppies available were 'chup, 'tard and hot peppies. There might have been some onions but I was so hungry that I didn't bother to look. Someone should have made a giant pizza. The description would be "GIANT PIZZA by Luigi Phillips - Here's a giant pizza. You can eat it if you want. It's real". Try to argue with THAT idea, I dare you

See how OJ was found guilty for armed robbery 13 years to the day he was found innocent of murder? That's seriously crazy. Like seriously. That's nuts. If you didn't believe in karma before, you sure as shit had better now. OJ is stupid idiot. He somehow managed to beat a murder charge, yet he still walks around carrying a gun trying to rob people. That's like an aquitted rapist carrying around the Toys R Us calendar sort of. Not really, but you know. Story of the year as far as I'm concerned. You can't beat that story! Try to beat it. Right now. Tell me something that's both as stupid and crazy as this OJ story. When I heard it I thought it'd be front page news all over. I guess people don't really give a shit anymore, but still. The odds! The odds man!

Did I tell you about the game show I thought of? I haven't told anyone. Let me first preface this by saying it totally wouldn't work, but perhaps in the future would with the advent of a brain cybernetic dream matrix. So here it is:

- Three teams of 2
- Teams get as little sleep as possible leading up to the taping of the show
- One team member falls asleep on the show
- The remaining team members are given a word or something
- They then have to attempt to manipulate their teammate's dreams any way they can WITHOUT waking them up
- After a while you wake them up and ask them what their dreams were like
- Whoever's dreams match the secret word the best wins money or a TV or whatever

The only problem is that you could totally cheat. Also, I don't know how easy it is to manipulate someone's dreams, although all I need to do is walk down the street and alllllll the ladies of the world start dreamin'.

Have you seen the television commercials for Hershey's Bliss chocolates? They look and sound like an ad for tampons.



Plus, why would you market chocolates exclusively to women?? Chocolate is as unisex as sweatshirts. To all the ladies out there - would you buy these chocolates? Wouldn't you rather eat a peanut butter cup or something? Some Skor bites maybe? Ever seen a Yorkie Bar? They're for men. But they make no bones about it:



I like how the NOT is underlined.

One last thing. I'm proud of myself. Last night when I got home from my brother's birthday celebration, I had three tasks - Wash a hat, make egg salad, install new shower head. I did all three at the same time and it was more satisfying than sitting down with my daughter at the end of a long day at work, kicking off my heels and enjoying a bowl of Bliss chocolates while we watch guilty pleasures on the Slice Network.

ANOTHER FRIDAY WITH YOUR FAVOURITE HAMSTER NAMED CHRISTOPHER

Remember a while back when I mentioned looking at the newspaper every morning and hoping that the front page will be about aliens?? Here's some more insight:

Do you think that if aliens came the news would dominate everything? Like if I went to TSN's website the day aliens came, would the news be about sports or aliens?? Probably both - like "ALL SPORTS CANCELLED TODAY BECAUSE OF ALIEN VISIT" or "PRESIDENT RECRUITS ATHLETES TO FIGHT ALIENS JUST IN CASE - MICHAEL PHELPS PATROLS THE SEAS". I think that's how it would go. Usually if an event happens that "changes the world", it's something bad (war, war, planes flying into buildings, war, global warming) so it'd be nice for something positive to happen for a change. If aliens find us there's a good chance they'll be totally cool and show us how to fly and harvest poo or something and turn it into high protein baby feed.

I think that if Barack Obama wins this U.S. election it'll change the world for the better. The world's better off when the U.S. are the good guys, not the stupid guys. I was watching the debate last night and I really thought I heard Palin say "shit" but I think she said "ship". I rewinded it a few times and I still couldn't tell. But since no one mentioned it after, it must've been "ship". It's funny because I thought Palin was terrible but on TV everyone said she did pretty good. I think it's because in the U.S. they're looking more for style not substance and that's what she delivered. People pick their favourite based on star power it seems. The Canadian debate was way better. The round table format was great. Jack Layton looks like a guy that hangs around cottage country, is friends with everyone and can fix anything for a resonable price. Elizabeth May looks like an annoying school principal and Stephen Harper looks like the weird guy everyone knew in high school that was into things no one else was into, like the stock market and chemistry. The others look straight forward I guess.

Every now and then I'll get a song or a saying stuck in my head from a movie or a song from childhood. There's this song from Naked Gun 331/3 that enters my head every so often and today I finally set out to hear it again for real. Watch this YouTube clip, skip to about minute, forty seconds in and enjoy.



So silly! I remember thinking the term poo poo platter was the funniest thing when I heard this. That's probably not even how you spell it but I don't care. It'd be funny if the guys down at the waste treatment plant call a frisbee swimming in shit a "poo poo platter".

"Ah man, something's clogging the drain again. Go down there and check it out Dino."
"Okay fine, but you have to give me your lunch."
"Deal."
"What did you bring?"
"Crackers and olives."
"Good enough."

Guy goes down

"Oh yeah, thought so. It's just a poo poo platter."

And there's like a big shitty pile of frisbees somewhere off in a corner. If only life were that simple huh guys?

In conclusion, I really like pad thai and I like bananas because they come in a package so it means no one's touch it, you know?

A TRANSPORT TRUCK FULL OF OTHER LITTLE TRUCKS FILLED WITH LITTLE TOYS

Last night I played NHL 09 for another two hours. At one point I got so mad I turned off the game swearing I wouldn't play again for a long time. Five minutes later I was playing again. The same thing happens to me when I buy a pack of Starburst.

Today when I was riding my bike to work I felt an autumn chill and I yearned for my mitties. My friends, mother winter is knocking at our doors! That is why I've prepared a winter survival guide so that you can enjoy the coldest season in the world instead of being all stupid and complaining about snow and chapped lips and frozen ears and Santa and ice foxes and candy canes. I don't like candy canes. I have to work on not complaining about them.

WINTER SUVIVAL GUIDE

1) There's nothing you can do

Whenever I used to complain about something my dad would always say "Well there's nothing you can do about it". He's right. If you think you can change winter you're either a stupid idiot or a scientist. If you're a scientist and you think you can change winter then by all means go ahead, but just think of the environment before you do anything. Like, ecosystems could be effected you know? Try to embrace winter like it's the new thing to do. Imagine Hollywood stars began vacationing in Edmonton during the winter months and it became trendy? You never know. I embrace winter by enjoying the fashions of the season. I like sweaters and big coats.

2) Be a proud Canadian

Technically speaking, winter is default Canada, just as Nacho Cheese flavour is default Doritos. Represent the brand man. I actually feel sort of weird during the summer because it's this California tease. I don't trust summer. People should complain about summer not winter. Okay, that's not true. But still, we as a people are supposed to thrive during these upcoming months, so get off your chesterfield, make some damn stew, put on your booties, go outside and eat some snow already.

3) Stop hoping for spring

The biggest mistake I make is thinking that spring starts right after Christmas. It doesn't. It starts in April usually. No joke.

That's it. Follow these rules and you'll have so much fun you don't even know man. Just don't forget the most important rule - ALWAYS say please and thank you. I can't stress that enough. Like my man Puff say, mo money mo problems.

THERE'S A PARTY IN MY MOUTH AND NONE OF YOU ARE INVITED EXCEPT YOU

I'm a bit of a go-getter right? Sort of? Not really. On weekdays I try so hard (mentally) to force myself to do something other than watch TV and prepare meals. I'm talking about before and after work. Is this because I'm getting old or because I'm lazy? I'm not old. Last night when I got home I played NHL for two hours, even though I knew it's make me really mad. If you didn't know I was talking about a video game there, you might've pictured me running around my apartment in a hockey jersey pretending to score goals and make saves. I think I have done that before actually. Maybe I'll start a business. The other night while falling asleep I had a brilliant idea to open a fruit stand but not a shitty one, like a really good one. I thought it was a great idea, but upon reflection, there's plenty of those in the city. Back to the drawing board. I still have big dreams to manufacture "The Beach Pillow". You just wait. I saw this guy's invention on Dragon's Den the other day and I thought it was pretty good (reusable pizza delivery box), but the dragons said it was the worst idea they've ever seen, so I don't think I'd be much of a business man. I couldn't sell radishes to a damn rabbit I'm so bad!


Let's get into the next topic. Here's a segue: I was SITTING, WATCHING TV and an Amanda Marshall video came on the MuchMoreMusic Retro channel and it reminded me of how much I dislike singer/songwriters. I just don't buy it man. How can someone be so emotional?? I believe Bruce Springstein and Neil Young though. This is sort of related to my hatred of people who give massages who aren't professionals. Have I mentioned that before? I think I have. I guess I just don't like anything that isn't authentic, one-of-a-kind. When I see see a shitty singer-songwriter I feel like they're just copying someone else, even though that probably isn't true - just as the people giving non-professional massages are just doing what the think they should be doing, not what they should ACTUALLY be doing. Which is why I never take a massage from anyone who isn't a licensed massage therapist... which means I've never had a massage. People have tried to give them to me, but I just don't trust them. Back rubs are different. Any Tim, Mark or Justina can give one of those.

Did that make sense? I don't think I explained myself very clearly. There was too much business talk up there, so lets get sillier:


Here's a sweet treat! A list of my favourite chocolate bars in no particular order, past and present!


1. Three Muskateers

2. Snickers

3. Twix

4. Caramilk

5. Crispy Crunch

6. Wunderbar


That's like 60% of chocolate bars out there, so really I just love chocolate bars. Who doesn't? If you don't I honestly think you're weird. I don't get that. What's not to love? There's a lot of variety, you must enjoy at least one. Similarily, last week I was just sitting there and thinking and I decided that if you're around my age and The Simpsons and Seinfeld ISN'T in your top 3 shows of all time, you're weird. That's a fact. The world is round, hamburgers are delicious, the grass is green and sometimes brown, get off my face and outta town! <------- There I was trying to list things that are facts and I was mixing in my own facts like hamburgers, but I got bored and turned it into a children's rhyme!!! COOL

THOMAS' RHOMBUS

I never liked processed cheese very much and today ain't no different!