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October 14, 2008

ACCORDING TO SOME GUY PAUL, COFFEE SUCKS

Today I exercised my right as a citizen and voted for someone I don't care about for something I don't care about. I went to a church to vote and since I moved recently I didn't have my voter card. Let me tell you - the guy filling out the forms for people like me was the slowest man in the world at writing English text. I get impatient easily and I try not to get mad, and this time I was fairly calm because I really wasn't in a rush and there was nothing I could do, but this girl in front me was piiiisssseed. She seemed really into girl power and the CBC based on the buttons on her bag. She even had buttons about how she's a woman and can vote. Duhhh. That's old news. You might as well be wearing a button that says "BEYOND EARTH THERE IS SPACE" or "PAPYRUS RULES, STONE DROOLS" or "CATS AREN'T ACTUALLY MAGIC". Get it? That's an Egyptian joke from the ROM. The Egyptians thought cats were magic, sort of like how we think the Q-Ray bracelet is magic. Not really. But they're both totally wrong. hahahahah a magic bracelet. That's seriously stupid. The only magic I believe in is the magic of love. Ohh baby.

Sooooooo, when I finally got up there the guy was filling out my last name (after I had to assure him that 'Glenn' was indeed my first name, not my last), and he got to M-A-C and I was like, "geez old man you're taking forever". So I looked away for what seemed to be a pretty long time and when I looked back he was just finishing the L-A-Y. That means that in the time I looked away he managed to complete A-U. Those aren't good stats. I'm no Peter Calligraphy myself, but I assure you I can print faster than that.

While this is going on this little wiener who worked there was wandering around looking over people's shoulders and not doing anything and I felt like saying, "hey wiener, fill out my form. Tropical man here doesn't seem to understand the concept of April and I've got eggs to cook brother." That April thing is a reference to when the guy asked for my birthday and I told him to write "0-4" for April and his pen stopped dead. I have a strange feeling my vote won't count because of that guy. Injustice!! I don't care. The only thing I've ever voted for that I felt passionate about was in University when the students had to vote on construction of a new sports facility that wouldn't be done until long after we were all gone. It would've meant a tuition raise, so obviously I didn't want to pay for something I'd never get to use. I honestly couldn't figure out why anyone would want vote "yes". And I'm no hippie, but I really think that money should've went toward the shitty libraries we had to use. I voted a strong "no" but somehow "yes" won and it was then I decided I didn't fit in at university. Don't worry guys, I finished. That should be the end of my autobiography, or anyone's for that matter. "DON'T WORRY GUYS, I FINISHED". The end. Also available from Ding Dong Books, "Great Gravies and Simple Sauces for Kids" by Pete Rose and his wife Debbie, and "Get Outta Town! My Life" by Julia Roberts.

I have to stop watching TV before I go to bed. I've been watching a lot of "The Wire" lately and if I watch it right before bed it stays with me all night. A couple of days ago it was especially bad. I dreamed all night and would be half asleep trying to solve the case. At one point I actually thought I solved it and then had to convince myself it wasn't real. Last night I watched Mad Men before bed and all I could think and dream about was business. Then I'd half wake up and be like "ohhh man, so tired, gotta get back to business", and then I'd fall back asleep and the circle of life would continue. Hakuna Matata! Imagine Africa made a movie about pigeons or something and they had a Hakuna Matata song but since it's English, the big phrase would be "How's it Going?" Also, imagine Mermaids were real?! When I was a kid I thought mermaids were the hottest. Not anymore. My tastes in fictional babes has changed. I think I prefer warrior princesses now. Or humanoid alien babes. Heavy Metal was on the other day and I'm a pretty big dweeb when it comes to sci-fi and fantasy and stuff, but Heavy Metal is too much. It's like if in Star Wars Princess Leia was naked the whole time. Yeah, that's what we all want, but it's a private thing. Heavy Metal is like watching the mind of a 15 year old dweeby perv. Anyone see the Heavy Metal South Park episode? Oh mercy, here's some:


2 comments:

highwaisted said...

really? i still think cats are magic.

Duke of Spook said...

If you consider Love to be magic and you love your cat then I suppose they are magic. And since I love all cats then yes, by definition they are. But they won't make walls disappear

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