October 20, 2008


You know what the best part of being a celebrity would be? The ability to turn situations surreal. Take George Clooney for example. He's one of the biggest these days right? If he wanted he could make your day surreal just by his presence. Like if he was bored in Toronto, he could take the elevator up to my office do a lap, wave and then leave and everyone would go fuckin bananas. That's some kind of power. He could even take it a step further and like knock on your door and try to sell you something. The only downside is that you'd automatically assume it was for a show. The funny thing is no one would believe you! That means he also has the power to make you seem crazy.

"Hey Beth, it's Candy, Guess what? George Clooney just tried to deliver flowers to my house!"
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
"No it was really him!!"
"Well what was it for?"
"I don't know. He was by himself. He drove away in a Ford Tempo. It was him for sure."
"I'm going to call my friend Dr. Rosebud. He's going to help you."
"Help me find him?!"
"No he's going to put you in a godamn straight jacket you loon. Stay away from my kids."


See? It would play out just like that! If anyone famous is reading this please go to someone's house and do this please. Then tell me about it. Or tell me before so I can go watch. You know what, just give me some money. Just give me $200. That's nothing to you. That's honestly like me giving you $2. That's how much more money you make than me. At least that. Just come on. Take me out for dinner. I won't say much. You're selfish. You're a selfish weak idiot.

Sorry for the outburst, I'm mad because I have a cold and it's Monday and I'm not in Hawaii right now. At any given time it's fun to think of your ideal situation. Like right at this moment, if I had to the power to make it happen, I'd be on the beach with a bucket of fried chicken and a pitcher of lemonade. I'm willing to bet that most people on most days of their lives would rather be at the beach. That's why people in California are so damn happy all the time. They live in a dream land filled with bikinis and good Mexican food. I think I've talked about this before. Sorry. Mr. Big bars for everyone.

Last evening I was out for dinner at the Epicure Cafe and toward the end of our stay these three hosers sat down near us and were a wealth of sound bites. One guy that ordered was so damn specific about what he wanted. Fries, well done, no salt. That's weird. Then they talked about piss for about 15 minutes while the well-to-do couple who were researching ski vacations behind them tried to eat. I don't have great manners but that was pretty bad. One guy said if you piss on a burn it heals it. I don't think that's true. Is it? Let me know. They eventually got onto talking about drinking piss and how if you have no water and are stranded, there's nothing left to do but drink piss. I take issue with that as well. Then this Asian girl with a short skirt walked by and they were like "oooh baby, is that the one from before?" They must have been scoping Asian babes all day long!

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