A VERY SPOOKY STORY FOR YOU

The other night I was telling that girl I live with about how when I was a kid all I wanted was to be like everyone else and blend in like crazy. If I had it my way we would've all worn sweat pants and Toronto sports teams t-shirts. Except the girls. I don't remember what my taste in girls was back then, but I don't think I would've wanted them to look like me. I'm no rattlesnake. Do you think animals can really tell each other apart? I guess they use their noses not their eyes. Humans are very eye-oriented, which makes us quite a bit like hawks and other birds of prey. I should write a ground-breaking scientific paper on the subject - WHY WE'RE LIKE HAWKS. I guess the only proof I have is the eye theory, the fact we both eat meat, our mutual love of flight and we like to swim every once and a while. GROUNDBREAKING. In Lord of the Rings the Eagle is one of the most respected creatures. Perhaps JRR Tolkien shared my insights. I also think wizards are as cool as he does. 2 peas in a pod guy. Back to girls, although I'd rather talk hawks - I think all I wanted was a girl that would talk to me so I wouldn't have to talk to her. This is because I was scared of girls. I was scared of girls and dogs. Now I'm going to talk about a Halloween story that ties into my wanting to blend in. For all the romantics in the room, there's no more girl talk so you can leave now and watch a Mark Ruffalo movie.

In grade 2 every kid in class was going to be Batman because that's just what kids do right? Most kids had this standard costume you could get at any old Zellers or Bi-Way that had a plastic mask and some sort of bib, but for some reason my grandma decided to make my Batman suit. I finally saw it before Halloween and it was this totally awesome, well detailed costume and I really didn't want to wear it because I knew I'd be the centre of attention. I just wanted to be like everyone else. I think it required me wearing tights as well. I'm pretty sure I ended up wearing it and everything was cool. But I learned a lesson that day.

So next Halloween I think it was, I really didn't want to dress up. But since everyone wore a costume to school I decided I had to wear something, because I'd stick out more if I was dressed in my street wear. So I found middle ground by dressing up as a "Construction Worker" which consisted of overalls, a turtleneck and some work gloves I found in the garage. My mom was really trying to help me and she was like "Well if you're going to be a construction worker why don't you wear your dad's hard hat?" But in my mind that was way too over the top. I'd stand out too much! So I went to school and I remember some girl being like "What are you supposed to be?" and I just was like "A construction worker?" like I totally knew I didn't really have much.

In conclusion I've never really been a big Halloween guy. I loved trick or treating but who doesn't? If you were a kid and you didn't go trick or treating it means either your parents were strict and religious or you were one of those kids who was way to smart for that kind of thing and instead preferred to make models or play with circuits and stuff. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Tonight if you're sitting around eating cheesies and wiping the dust on your sock so you end up with orange socks, then why not come down to Second City for "The Wet and Sticky Show". It starts at 11pm. It's comedians doing their gross material. I will be performing a vignette along with my friends that'll make you barf poo until you... I don't know, explode with...barf...and then you poo more that mixes with barf and makes like a beef stew that a dog will eat and gross everyone out, but the dog doesn't care because he sees with his nose. A hawk wouldn't eat that shit. The show also features Jon Dore, Nikki Payne and Paul Bellini who wrote for Kids and the Hall.

This entry was a little too straight forward for my tastes, but there's some good information in there. If you thought my Halloween story was any good, feel free to steal it and use it at a party you go to this weekend.