PANDAS PANDAS PANDAS PANDAS FROGS

I don't post on weekends because that's my time to collect things to talk about this week. I didn't collect very much these past few days. I'll try to make the following as interesting as possible and I might throw in some stuff that didn't actually happen, but that's the nature of the biz. Did you know that 98% of the news isn't real? The weather is never real. Neither is sports. It's all made by computers actually. I thought everyone knew that!

Friday me and the gang went to Second City to do the Wet and Sticky show. Everything was going great until half way through our bit when the guys running the DVD player couldn't figure out how to work it. Since our entire set relied on these videos, we were left stranded on stage. I've seen stuff like this happen before but in the end they've always figured out how to work the DVD player and life goes on. Not this time. So we were up there stalling by asking the crowd stuff and I asked anyone if they had a dick or vagina story and this guy came up and said something really dumb and we were like ohhhh geez. We got really fed up because these guys weren't going to figure out how to work this DVD player and skipped to our finale which was a video of a butt taking a dump, which was on a separate DVD so it worked okay. Everyone went ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So we ended up looking kind of silly. After some calming down we were all okay again. Some lady bought us shots and Eugene Levy took us out for tapas. He said he liked my beard but I should think about trimming it just because he's way into personal hygiene and stuff and I was like "If I trim my beard you trim your arm hair you damn bear!" and we all laughed for honestly like 3 hours. I stopped by Ultra Supper Club on the way home to say hi to my bouncer friend Rhino who let me in no problem. I partied till 6 am with these three models from Oslo who said I could travel with them to South Africa next week because I have an eye for fashion and I'm a bit of a muse. I told them to suck eggs and then I went home.

Saturday I did some writing then went to the Keg with my girlfriend's dad and girlfriend. It was just a lovely little time. When I was a child there was a Keg close to my house and I distinctly remember asking my parents if we could go and they were like "It's for adults". So the first time I went to the Keg was like two years ago. My parents deny ever saying this. The evening was spent watching hockey and playing Scatergories. I received a call from the Chicago Tribune at 11:45 pm asking if I could write a political commentary for the early Sunday edition. Since I totally hate it when they do that I told them: "Listen. I'm sitting here on my day off enjoying a glass of champagne and you call me expecting another masterpiece? I'm not your dog, Carl. I can't be taught tricks Carl. You tell your boss that the only thing I'm going to be writing is silly words on this Scatergories game card and next time you need me to bail you out, try asking a little nicer and maybe I'll consider it. Say hi to Janet for me." They called back the next day, apologized and sent over a case of Bacardi. Apology accepted. They wanted to fly me to Philly to cover game 5 tonight but I told them to suck eggs and I hung up.

Here's what I ate on Sunday:

4 strips of bacon
1 bagel with butter
two fried eggs
1 jelly donut
1 slice plain cheese pizza
4 slices chicchios delight pizza
2 mini Kit Kats
2 mini boxes Smarties
1 Tank House ale

I didn't feel so good on Sunday. I watched Home Alone, and then went to my friends' house to carve some pumpkies for a pending Halloween party. I carved a Jack O Lantern into one and then myself and another man worked on one with the Eye of Sauron. Later on I went to see a comedy show which was just a great little event and then took my motorcycle out on the highway until like 3 am. I met up with my guys Puma and Dan Dan and we did some wheelies on the Gardiner before hitting up Coffee Time for a samosa and a coffee. We call it the Siesta Special for some reason. I think Puma made it up. I sure didn't. It's stupid. Dan Dan is getting married in two months and he confessed that he hates his wife already. We asked why he's still going through with it and he said it's because she has these really great towels and she won't tell him where she got them. We called him an immature moron but then he let us try one of the towels and they just blew us away. I got home, make some homemade yogurt (banana blueberry blast) and went to bed. My brother called at 7 am and I told him to suck eggs even though he just wanted to say hi.

The next couple of days I'm assembling a costume and making chili.