OKAY OKAY OKAY GIVE ME MY YOGURT BACK OR I'LL ACTUALLY STEAL YOUR GLOVE THIS TIME

meow meowoween

Remember that play “Kiss of the Spider Woman”? I remember in the early nineties it must have been playing in Toronto and there were a bunch of ads in the paper and I asked my mom if we could see it because I assumed it was about Spider Woman. She gave a staunch ‘no’. Same thing happened when I wanted to rent “Naked Lunch” because it had an alien in it. Again, staunch ‘no’. But once the tables were turned, the chairs tilted; the cows tipped; the birds clipped; the pizza cooked. I was a boy of 12 or 13 or something, and my mom and sister went to go rent some movies. They came back with one called “Spanking the Monkey”, my mom thinking that it was some sort of zany comedy about a monkey. First off, had she been up to date on the latest slang, she probably wouldn’t have rented it. Secondly, had she actually read the back of the box, she would’ve realized that it’s a rather dark comedy by David O. Russell not about monkeys but about a dude who struggles with an Oedipus complex. It had sex, nudity, language, the whole nine, and myself and my family sat uncomfortably watching the whole thing. My mom was like “that’s not what I expected”. Then I had to tell her what spanking the monkey meant. I think that’s my dad’s favourite story, next to my mom trying to order a Labbatt’s Blue at Molson Park. Sorry mom.

Look at that! A real story, just for you! Served with a side of mashy ‘tates and greeny beans! MmMMMMMmm boy, taste it!




I was looking for a grey cardigan sweater today as the final piece of my costume and was disappointed to find out that this city is dry! No one’s got them. If you have one please give it to me before 10 o clock tonight. Otherwise I’m squeezing into my main squeeze’s, which is built for a slim woman, not a slim man. There’s a good chance I’ll stretch it out which will put the BIG DOG IN THE DOG HOUSE ARRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ahahahahah. Did you cringe at that? But seriously, she’ll kill me. Notice how I haven’t divulged my costume yet? I mentioned Halloween again, which I swore I wouldn’t do, so I’d better do some Hail Mary’s. Which brings me to today’s spooky but true story:

Me and my friends Jon and Andy went to a supposedly haunted restaurant/bar in Mississauga because we wanted to see if it was actually haunted. We were all writing stuff and Jon said “Screw this”. He went to the bathroom and did 15 bloody Mary’s into the mirror and came back pretty full of himself. We went back one more time a few days later maybe, and at some point Jon went to go relieve himself. He came back all scared and he wouldn’t tell us what was wrong so we twisted his nuts a little until he admitted that he just peed milk. That was the work of ghosts my friends; or a kidney infection. Either way. GROSS.

So today we learned a little more about my family and friends. The picture is getting clearer right? Stay tuned. Later I’ll brag about how cute I was as a baby and share with you my report cards from grades 1 through 12.