October 15, 2008


I was in a store buying some Halls medicated lozenges today, and I saw some old guy buy a pack of Clorets. I wonder if anyone under the age of 16 has ever bought Clorets. It's just one of those brands that only old people buy. The question is - was it always this way? Did I just blow your mind out of your ass and then step on it with big boots with spikes on them with that question? Imagine Clorets used to be the gum/mint of choice of greasers in the 50's? And as they got older they kept eating them but since they were soooooo bad no other generation dared to try them because they didn't want to step on the bikers' gum turf and so that's why? I really really really really really hope that's why. I keep bringing up greasers because they're just so damn fascinating. Anyway, the same goes for Vernors Ginger Ale, Buicks, Cherry Blossoms and Molson Stock Ale. I love brands that survive yet have no advertising budget whatsoever. I want to become loyal to something like that. Maybe...... hmmmmm.......Big Turk??? I sometimes eat those......only sometimes....ummm...what... about....those zingy zap things you get out of those candy machines at grocery stores and bulk barns. Yeah those. I'm loyal to those. Henceforth.

When I was a kid my cousin and I went to the store to buy chocolate bars and pops, and he grabbed a Vernors and I was like, "what the hell is that shit?" and he goes "you've never had Vernors?! It's the best!". So I bought some too, pretended to like it and never drank it again. This begs the question - how did my cousin, who was not even pubic at the time, get addicted to Vernors? Did he actually like it? It tastes like crap. Maybe he tricked me and told all his friends and to this day they still tell the story as I am right now. I'm known as the Vernors cousin.

When I worked at a grocery store as a teen I saw an old man buy a case of diet Vernors and I was all like, "everything is right in the world today". Old people were buying Vernors, cats still hated dogs, hats were cool and fries and gravy were still accepted the world over, and you know what? Ten years later these still hold true. Earth man, Earth. Hell of a place to live. Great water, great soil, challenging deserts, delicious hot dogs, big snakes, mathematics, colourful flags, weird movies. It's all there. Yours to Discover. Keep it Beautiful. Canada's Ocean Playground.

I overheard a security guard talking to a man in the building that my office is in and she was saying how a drunk guy came in and was trying to find his AA sponsor. Now that's not a good story. It would've been happier had the guy been addicted to candy and he needed to visit his buddy who gets free Rolos for some reason. What's everyone's opinions on sex addiction? I think it's funny, but I'm sure it's serious business in real life. But just picture some horn dog at a security desk asking them where so and so works because he just has to bang. It doesn't hurt anyone. Unless he had an important meeting and missed it. He'd get home and his wife would go,
"Frank, why the HELL weren't you at the meeting today?"

"How'd you know I wasn't there!"

"Your boss Ralpho called!"

"That son of a bitch!"

"Well...where the fuck were you?"

"Having sex again..."

"Ah shit. Who with?"

"Betty Stromboni."

"Why didn't you come find me?"

"I didn't want us both to get fired."

"You're the best husband in the world."

That was a fairly realistic conversation. Can't you picture that on a show called "All The Time" and it would be on Showtime and would follow a pathetic guy with a sex addiction who has an overly supportive wife? It beats that Californication garbage. That show stinks. You like it? Fine, but I'm not changing my mind because I'm a loyal guy. Loyal to my opinions. Unless you can convince me otherwise. I dare you. Whatever, who cares.

Since there was a lot of talk about Vernors today, go out and buy a can and tell me what you think. Go for its authentic barrel-aged taste. Maybe I'd like it now. I have been on a bit of a ginger ale kick lately. Buy some Vernors please. VERNORS


dj_sports said...

haaahahahahahahahahaha challenging deserts

Duke of Spook said...

You know how I always remember that "deserts" has one 's' and "desserts" have two? A teacher once taught me this little trick:

You'd only want to go to the desert ONCE. BUT you always want two desserts. I still use that trick to this day

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