DON'T CRY YOU BABY, AHHH LOOK AT YOU BABY, YOU'RE SMILING!

I didn’t write a cool thing yesterday because I can’t seem to access Blogger from my work computer and I still can’t. Maybe my employer doesn’t like it. If you don’t like that they don’t like it, please send them a letter:

Attn. W.P. Oilhyde III
The Dallas Mavericks
2356 Country Street
Dallas, Texas USA
90215

TODAY’S EPISODE OF ‘WHAT’S ON YOUR HAND, AND WHAT’S ON YOUR OTHER HAND

On one hand I’m drinking a Flavia Chai Latte right now. It tastes like water, milk and cinnamon mixed in equal parts. On the other hand, I made chili two nights ago and it tastes like cowboys, the Wild West, Mexico, fireworks and delicious.

TODAY’S MADE UP GAME

Here’s a game you can play next time you use public transportation. It’s more fun if you have two people, but you can play by yourself also. I’ve only played by myself. First, come up with a disaster scenario. In this example let’s say that big dog heads with bat bodies are on the loose and you’re stuck on a subway. Look around the subway car and come up with:

1) Who you think will go crazy and leave way too early and get eaten right away
2) Who you think will go all religious and crazy
3) Who you think you’ll fall in love with and have sex with when it seems like you’re going to die
4) Who you think will know how to use a gun even though he/she doesn’t look like they know how and becomes a fan favourite
5) Who you’d eat if you had to
6) Who you think will be the big time hero if you think you’re a wiener.

You can come up with more categories if you want. The easiest one is number three because you just look for the most attractive person. If they call you out for staring at them, explain the game and they might forgive you and play along! Or they might say, “I would’ve preferred if you were simply gawking you freak.” To which you say: “Wait ‘till the dog bats come baby! Then you’ll come around!” and then she calls the police.

TODAY’S DIGRESSION

Don’t you hate it when you see dudes that feel the need to be tough guys ALL THE TIME? Like if you’re riding your bike and you see some people about to cross the street and you ring your bell for safety and they’re like “Hey fuck you!” Or if they need to cross the street and they never cross at crosswalks and always at the most dangerous time just because they’re always bad boys? These people bother me. If it were up to me I’d make a low budget comedy starring Sean William Scott called “Bully School” where he plays one of these tough guys, but one day he gets busted for spitting and then a stupid judge played by Rob Corddry or something sentences him to this school where it’s all tough guys and they all learn lessons and the head instructor is a babe and they fall in love. I guess that’s pretty much like going to jail but funny and with a babe. Tiny Lister would definitely be in it and maybe Jack Black as a second lead if I can afford it.

TODAY’S CONSUMER REPORT

WestJet has this promotion this week where if your last name is Candy, Orange, Web or Webb, or Sweet you get a free flight on Halloween. I’d love to see how many people actually do this. First of all, I’ve never known anyone to have the last names Candy or Orange. Second of all, who is going to up and decide to fly somewhere on Halloween? If you have kids you’re not going. They’d never let you. So basically you’d also have to be between the ages of 20-30 lets say. Plus you still have to pay taxes and fees, which is probably a lot. I’m not a frequent flyer so I don’t really know. The first time I went on an airplane I was 19. I’ve never flown with my parents. Sorry WestJet, don’t worry, it’s a fun promotion! I’m just pointing out the obviously stupid parts that really mask the fact that at the end of the day you’re offering free flights (albeit to 0.000000001% of the population). I really hope there’s an Orange family reunion somewhere out there on Friday and all 78 family members get a free flight and old man Orange is like “This is the blessing the Oranges have been searching for.”

But the head guy of WestJet, Danny West, is like,

“Who the fuck authorized this?! 78 free flights? I’m through! You’re all fired! Alla yous! I ain’t joking, I’m losin’ it! I’m really losin’ it this time! Why did I offer stock to employees, ahhhhhhhH!!!!!! They think they can just walk around offering free flights to the bloody Florange family?”
“That’s ‘Orange’ sir?”
“Really? Wait. Like Halloween orange, like, because it’s Halloween today?”
“Yes.”
“That is kinda cute.”

See? Everything is fine here at What I did and How I am. Keep your head clean and your socks twisted and we'll see you tomorrow. For Katie Couric, I'm Chunt Plungraph.