TONE DOWN YOUR VOICE OR I'LL EAT YOUR EARS

I was going to tell some jokes about farting, but I'm in a show called "The Dumbest Shit" next week, so I have to save them for then. I know how much you were yearning for a good, clear fart joke, but you can't always get what you want even if you wish upon a star and eat all the eyelashes you can handle.

FILM REVIEW - NOTORIOUS

I saw the Biggie Smalls film biography last night and I'd say good not great, pretty much what I expected. The guy who played Christopher Wallace was actually really good, and it was a tough role because of the man's legacy and the fact that he's in every scene pretty much. His eyes weren't right though. Good cheeks, good belly, bad eyes. When he wore shades he was a dead ringer. The guy who played 2Pac was absolute garbage and the Puff Daddy impersonator was pretty alright. The thing I hate about a lot of biographies is that every line seems to contribute to the "legacy" of the artist being portrayed, you know? There's no small talk. I wish there had of been more scenes of Biggie and Puff just sitting around and talking about Taco Bell or dogs or nice chairs. Instead, every line was about "chasing the dream" or "making it" or "being the greatest". I'll bet they only talked about that maybe 20% of the time in real life. Ever seen that Def Leppard movie? It's the epitome of what I was just saying. I wish I could think of an example but I saw it two years ago. Just go rent it or something. Trust me guy, it's a good laugh.

I came to the realization recently that I'm really bad at goodbyes. They're very uncomfortable for me. I think it's because I like leaving with some sort of closure, while most goodbyes are very open-ended, like "see you around", "we'll hang sometime" or simply "see ya". If I had it my way every goodbye would include a thorough discussion regarding future meetings. I guess this is limited to people I like because I have no problem saying bye to people who I hate. Hate and goodbyes go together like old ladies and that weird bridge section in the paper that only old ladies read. I wish I understood that. When I learned how to play Sudoku the paper improved by 6%. When I learned how to play Free Cell, work improved by 2%, but frustrations rose 7%. Math is all around you!

So yeah, goodbyes. If I say goodbye to you and I act like a weird man, don't worry, it just means I like you and I want to hang out again. If I give you a really solid goodbye, it doesn't necessarily mean I hate you, but it probably means we don't hang out all that often. If I give you a wink it mean there's a Snickers bar coming your way!!

Goodbye humans, have a warm weekend and eat more carrots. Have you ever seen a horse? Big and strong all the time.