WHILE I'M AWAY PART 5 - FINALLY, THE LAST ONE, THIS STINKS

Tonight is our New York show so I'm probably excited for it.


DAILY REPLACEMENT HOROSCOPE

Feb. 27, 2009

Remember 'Pizza Day' in elementary school? Live every day like it were Pizza Day, especially today, because I know you want pizza today. That melted cheese, those salty toppings.....how can resist this



Wherever you get it from, it'll probably be good. When was the last time you had uneatable pizza? Probably never, right? Also, you'll meet your soul mate today and you'll have a professional rendezvous of some sort.

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And that's the end of the trip! I'll be back on Monday with several anecdotes and pictures that will please all age groups and all three sexes, including the neuters! Keep it real and I hope I'm alive.

WHILE I'M AWAY PART 4 - THE LEGEND CONTINUES SORT OF LIKE HARRY POTTER

In New York. According to the itinerary, we're going to Long Island to see an Islanders/Leafs game. I'm probably excited!


DAILY REPLACEMENT HOROSCOPE

Feb. 26, 2009

Start today off with a dip in the stream. Find some wild juniper berries to cleanse yourself and if you have callouses find some old bark for rubbin'. Legend has it that if you feed a mouse to a moose, the moose will instantly become your servant and you can ride it no problem. So do that too. And forget about the city, you hated it remember? That's why you sold everything and moved to the forest. People and doctors called you crazy. Look down at the suit of moss you're wearing. They were wrong weren't they? This is living!

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A MORON'S TAKE ON A HOCKEY GAME SIMILAR TO THE ONE I WILL BE ATTENDING TONIGHT BUT I WON'T BE AN IDIOT

WHILE I'M AWAY PART 3 - TRILOGY COMPLETE

I'm in New York still


DAILY REPLACEMENT HOROSCOPE


Feb. 25, 2009

Listen....can you hear that? It's nothing.....no wait.....it's bugs.

Lucky numbers are '5' and '&'

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YOUTUBE VIDEO OF THE DAY THAT'S JUST FOR FUN AND MAY BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST HAVE FUN

WHILE I'M AWAY PART 2

I'm in New York City right now hopefully, remember? Also remember that I'm not posting these live. I'm writing these on Friday, hence the lack of topicality.


DAILY REPLACEMENT HOROSCOPE

Feb. 24, 2009

That crooked cop you met last night isn't worth the trouble. Give her a call, explain you want out, then move to another province just in case. I just saved your damn life. When you move you should probably change you last name. How about "Plugf"?. It sounds foreign and people pay no mind to foreigners. Get a job at a grocery store. I know people. Call me.

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YOUTUBE VIDEO OF SOMETHING NEW YORK SO YOU FEEL AS I DO AT THIS SECOND

WHILE I'M AWAY PART 1

I'm in New York City right now


DAILY REPLACEMENT HOROSCOPE

Feb. 23 2009

Trim your fingernails with the scissors from a Swiss Army Knife and if it's the kind that doesn't have scissors, use the little cute knife blade. Your band is no good, but if you add a clarinet to the horn section and change your name to "The PorcuFines", you'll be shitting gold records in no time. And if you see this guy on the street today:



Offer him some shirts.

If it's your birthday go home and call your family because they might have forgotten, you never know. You're getting old. These things happen when you become an adult and move out.

I wonder what I'm doing right now..........................

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS ONE, BUT YOU MIGHT GIVE IT TWO BUTTS UP

That Lay's ad with the potato guy who answers questions is soooooo dumb. Why would anyone call a potato farmer with questions about anything other than potatoes? ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLAACCCCCCCKKKKKKK

Not real. So fake. I re-read this entry and the good stuff is after this Blossom paragraph. I should just delete it, but my mom taught me never to waste anything, especially "poorly written, uninteresting rants on Blossom." After she told me that, she taught me how to make spaghetti!

Liv rented "Blossom" and I've been watching a few episodes alongside. That show holds up really well and it's kind of strange how you don't see it in syndication ever because it seems the type of show that the Christian channel would enjoy. Joey Lawrence is so funny, and Joey from 'Friends' is a blatant rip off. I knew I was going to talk about Blossom, but it turns out I don't have much to say. When I was a kid I thought Six was hottototototot. I guess I thought Blossom was pretty cool. This is the worst paragraph on Blossom you've ever read and I apologize. My mind is on the pending super trip to NYC, which started as a trip to go see a couple of Leaf games, and has turned into a trip where we do a comedy show with a bunch of friends. I couldn't even explain that correctly. But yeah, we rented out a place and we're doing our own show and people are coming to do it that we know. That didn't help. I'm too impatient to explain the whole thing and you might not even care.

Weird Al doesn't get enough respect. That guy has been the undisputed champion of parody songs for like 30 years and no one has even tried to take him on, even though what he does is so simple. So next time you're at your relative's house and everyone is talking politics and Barack Obama, give a little mention of Weird Al and defend him to the death, because the man deserves it. Or not. He just makes fun of songs. Does he really deserve it? Just kidding, of course he does. One of the best of all time.

You know that lady that gave birth to 8 kids but she already had six and she's a single mom and everyone is like "fuck you lady, no Gerbers food for you, idiot". Don't you get the feeling just by looking at her that she wanted all those kids to be famous? Can't you see it in her eyes? Did you click that link? She's trying to be Angelina Jolie. The authorities should step in. Then again, you can blame TLC for all of this. Them and that song that plays during promos, you know? IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE DUM DA DA DA DA IT'S A BEAUTIFUL WORLD.



That's the most puke inducing, bowl emptying song of all time. Where's Weird Al when you need him? IT'S A POO FILLED WIFE, IT'S A POO FILLED WORLD. That's a half decent parody. I don't get how someone can write those words (not the poo ones, the real ones) and seriously bring them to the other members of the band and the band is like "yeah, good lyrics, really pretty." I've not a sincere person and I think sincere song lyrics are really cheesy almost all the time. That's why I like a lot of instrumental music I think. Lyrics and singing ruin songs so often, unless the singer is amazing and the lyrics are profound or very silly.

Next time someone you know is in a coma for a while, please set up a time lapse camera so we can see their hair grow really fast. That would be so cool! Cooler than the time lapse boner and more kid friendly. Although the whole coma thing sort of darkens the experience.

Okay, so while I'm away I'm not going to be writing in here, but I am going to set up a post for each day next week beforehand so you still have something to read when you bring your computer to the bathroom to take a "D". I promise to take a lot of pictures and when I get back and expect long winded recaps of the week's events. I'm hungry! Pass the pork sauce! See you the week after this week coming up when I'll be away, remember?!

MY COMPUTER UPDATE IS DONE AND I WISH I COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE FOR EXTRA LIFE EXCITEMENT

Almost today in LiveJournal history:

Feb 16 2002:

hey andy here's some inspiration for you new project:

{medium angular shot of Kron and door}

Kron: Enough Chit Chat now for the briefing...

[jefferson stumbles in with coffee, spilling a lot]

Jefferson: I got you your coffee sir. its pretty hot, hot as that sex i had with Double D Darla from Level 7 [trips, spills all over]

Kron: Jefferson you bumbling idiot, I'll paint your testicles with honey and send you off to the planet of the bees! [backhands him to the ground] If you weren't the Prime Minister's second cousin I'd have you demoted to cleaning Cementhead's ass. {whole room wide shot} [everyone winces and shifts in their seats. Cementhead looks around and doesn't understand, Knight quietly laughing to himself]

I didn't know whether to explain that thing up there first or wait until after. I decided to wait until after.

So that up there is a small piece of a screenplay that myself and friends Andy and Charles wrote one day in high school after watching "12 Monkeys". All it took to get started was Chuck noting that he wished he were a "future assassin" so we decided to write a sci-fi, time travel epic called "Future Assassin". In this classic scene our two heroes, "Kevin Knight" and "Cementhead" are in their boss Den Kron's office when bumbling idiot and comic relief "Jefferson" stumbles in. Other classic scenes involved Knight hitting a guy in the nuts with a boxing glove that springs out of a briefcase and a cool montage of our heroes equipping for a simulated battle while AC/DC's "The Razor's Edge" plays. The script and outline was lost long ago, but it remains a fond memory and an important page in the history of mankind. Please also note that once we went over to Chuck's house and he had assembled a Kevin Knight costume that consisted of sunglasses, a Pepsi leather jacket and a Super Soaker.

It totally feels like Friday. This is unjust. I can't do two more days, especially with a lavish holiday on the horizon.

I love trying new things, but when it comes to deodorant, I'm an Old Spice man. I've tried other brands, but nothing masks stench like the old boat brand. Today I bought a new stick and I couldn't be happier. The first deodorant I ever bought was Speed Stick gel. What a mistake. Who thought that gel was a good idea?

"How about instead of the classic solid stick, we give the customer what they want - some cold goo."

"Who hired you?"

"I'm the son of the guy who owns this place. Now, how about we make a deodorant that smells like rubber?"

The reason I know that is because I used to work for Speed Stick but then Shopper's Drug Mart gave me $100 to steal deodorant recipes for their "Life" brand. I sold them that conversation for an extra five. Now you can download it for free, today only.

I'll be back tomorrow with plenty more stories regarding the under arm and I'll tell you about some other stuff too. In the meantime I'm going to go to work and think about where I want my dinner to be purchased from.

BIG TIME NEWS ABOUT BIG TIME TIMES

You know how in Donnie Darko that alien teacher played by Drew Barrymore teaches that lesson about "Cellar Door" and then after that came out all these idiot know it alls would bring it up as if they'd always known it and you'd be like "whatever man you got that from Donnie Darko"??? My friend Jon once told me the most beautiful set of words is "HUGE BOOBS", and while I agree for the most part (you've probably read the phrase in this blog several times), I gotta say, nothing is more wonderful to say than "SCARFIN' CHEESBURGERS".

It took me a while to perfectly articulate that paragraph as to give proper respect to the phrase. I hope "SCARFIN' CHEESEBURGERS" wasn't the first thing you read when you arrived at the page because I think it has more impact with the intro up there, know what I'm sayin'? I shouldn't have wrote it again. No turnin' back baby. No regrets.

Does anyone here have HBO Canada? Did anyone here watch "Eastbound and Down" on Sunday? Starring Danny McBride? That guy who's in every movie these days and is funny? His new show made me laugh! You can tell they're influenced by British comedies which is good news considering those are the comedies that are the real deal. That sentence was very vague but I just accept it with no evidence. Anyway, there's tons of swearing and several over the top situations! The last scene of ep 1 was the guy on a jet ski with a naked babe on the back. I dare you to tell me that isn't funny.

I joined Twitter because I want to be current. So far it's a really good way to waste time on the Internet. Past that I don't see what the fuss is all about, but I guess since celebrities and tech savvy successful types use it, it's gotta be good! It makes you wonder which Internet communication applications, if any, will survive over the years. Will Twitter dominate Facebook eventually? Will the iPhone do everything for everyone? What's next? I guess the ultimate would be some site where you can check what anyone is doing all the time. So if you were friends with me you could just click on my profile and there'd be a little video window with me typing this and maybe some cool graphic diagnostics that show my heart rate and blood pressure etc. Google Earth is almost that. Sort of.

Some of these posts get a bit long so I'm going to cut it off here. Is that enough for you? Did I leave you wanting more? Tomorrow are you going to wake up and RUN to your computer? It's funny how in movies where someone is hacking something they're constantly typing. I bet hackers use the mouse just as much as a normal person, but it doesn't look as good on screen I guess. That's your final thought of the day, I've been your host and you've been some guy. Bye until tomorrow.

- Glenn

I'VE NEVER OWNED A LEATHER JACKET BECAUSE I'M SAVING FOR A CHIPMUNK ONE

I wake up every day hoping for that day where spring springs and today there were all these birds (probably pigeons) squeaking outside my window, so I got excited like a kid who sees boobs, but I'll bet it's still cold. I haven't checked yet, but it's cold. I know it. But luckily, in four days I'll be leaving for sunny, warm NEW YORK CITY. Swimming in the ocean, sun tanning in Central Park, cooling myself off around a broken fire hydrant in Harlem with some kids.....can't wait man. So tropical.

For those who don't like to be left in the dark, here's what I did with my holiday yesterday:

- Watched Dr. Who
- Ate a sub
- Went for a hot tub
- did a show

Caught up! Fill in your scorecards. Archive that shit. Settle your bets. For those who thought I was going to go work out and eat kale, you were wrong. Keep trying though. I'll give you a hint as to what I'm doing today and it rhymes with "Gurk". Mail in your entries now!

There was an article in the Toronto Star over the weekend about these people who believe that oil is going to run out pretty soon and so they're preparing for a "Mad Max" scenario where everyone goes crazy and the world falls apart. They're stockpiling food and learning survival skills and one guy even bought a boat and has plotted his course to Costa Rica come the apocalypse. I'm more of an optimist, so I believe that if the oil does run out, which many scientists believe will actually happen, people will just calm down, buy windmills, rent Fern Gully and get on with it. You have to give humanity some credit. Don't get me wrong, if oil runs out, bad things will happen, but Mad Max is a bit too much. That being said, I don't think preparedness is all that silly. It's sort of a win win situation if you think about it...


Here's a shot of University Avenue in Toronto circa 2034, post oil apocalypse. That's me in the gyro copter and riding in the car are Jason Kapono of the Toronto Raptors, Kevin Drew of Broken Social Scene and some guy from out of town.

...On the one hand, if bad stuff goes down, you're ready, and you can say "I told you so" to all the weak idiots you meet in the new world who you reluctantly aid with the skills you possess and the canned beets you have in your really good backpack that some guy at Mountain Equipment Co Op said would be the best if the world ends and he was kind of joking but you weren't. And when you run into the helpless babes and/or hunks on the deserted roads wearing ripped rags that expose their cans/pectorals then you'll probably get some no problem because you're the survival master who leads the weak and they'll follow you around and service your every desire in exchange for forest delicacies, protection and lessons on how to cook pine needles.

If bad stuff doesn't go down, you still have stockpiles of non-perishables that you can eat any time, and you have all these skills you can use if you want to go camping. You could go camping anytime, anywhere. You could become a river guide! Those guys are the coolest. You'd still get babes.

I'm not about to start training or anything, but I may pay more attention to shows like "Survivorman" and "Wild Gourmets". I bet Survivorman wants the oil to run out. He already lives in the middle of nowhere. I saw a show where he moved his family "off the grid" and he had these two youngish kids who I felt so bad for because they won't have friends and they were to be home schooled which is a one way ticket to dweeboid city. At least they'll be equipped to fight off the mutant oil people and the punk rock, leather clad motorcycle gangs. Maybe that's why he did it....brilliant. They'll be the most well equipped family around. They may rule our new world. Hail Survivorman and his queen! Hail to the young prince and princess! Protect us!

So I don't really mind if you go crazy over the oil thing, but don't start bragging if it happens and I see you in the woods and you almost kill me but I explain that I'm one of the good guys and I tag along and you teach me and eventually I become more powerful than you and we have a big fight and I almost kill you but then I remember the good times (fishing, skiing using things we find) and we go our separate ways only to meet up again at the base of the main bad guy and we team up one more time to take him down. So don't get mad. Help us.



Finally, the zipper on my main jacket is doing that thing where it separates and it's tough to deal with man. Sometimes it gets so bad that I have to pull the whole thing over my head if I can't get the zipper unstuck. Does anyone have a home remedy for such a thing? I'll trade you. If you take a shower and the mirror is fogged up, rub a little shaving cream on it and the steam won't come back. Now give me a zipper remedy. Or give me some tips on how I can keep fresh fruits and vegetables longer. Peace in the Middle East, give Peace a chance, rainbows all the time, love GLenn

THIS ONE WON'T GO DOWN IN HISTORY, BUT WHO KNOWS, IT MIGHT BE YOUR FAVOURITE

Today is an Ontario holiday so quite frankly, I'm not in the mood to do anything, even this!

Here's a quick recap of the weekend that was in no particular order:

I celebrated 'Family Day' with my family yesterday instead of today by going to Oyster Boy and eating oysters. We ate oysters. And some other food. I want some right now! Then my sister, brother, significant other and friend caught "Coraline" in fabulous 3-D. My review? "Good animation and sort of quirky but kind of boring and too much for kids and I needed popcorn but I was still full of oysters and I was very restless for most of it".

THEN I had a lovely time at Sunday Night Live, celebrating Andy Hull's birthday. There were positive vibes coming from all over man. SOLID. The best kind of parties are the ones where you can go up to anyone and give them a high five no problem. I think it was sort of one of those.

The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out with my love thing while eating a lot of bulk candy and Swiss Chalet. I also want some of that right now. I want some of everything. I want a juicy hamburger and a stack of fries, with a side of ham sandwiches and fried pickles and onion rings stacked up to the roof. FOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD

That's all. I'm on vacation today. You should be outside stimulating the economy. I plan on going hot tubbing later so eat that!!!!! THAT"S HOW YOU RELAX BAY BAY

Here are some special family messages to celebrate Family Day:



Happy Family Day from all of us in the Groofort family. Pa, ma, little Fabby, Ruthpoo, Donovan, Beany, Woogfro, Doogie, and Grimace. Not pictured is our wolf, Ian.




Hi we're the youngest family in the world. Me and pops had sex when we were two and we had three kids right away. Like RIGHT away. Instant babies. It's cool though. We all have the same interests. Tight family.

I'll be back tomorrow with waaaay better stuff. Just hang in there until then. Don't do anything I wouldn't do (mess with dogs etc.).

HAPPY WEEKEND VALENTINE'S DAY HUGS AND KISSES AND GROPES

And please watch this new love video from funny guys Nathan and Chris! They know how to put things together man.

COME ON BABY DO THE HOT POTATOES

Take a look at the above document. Is it:

A) a poem
B) ideas for a movie
C) a grocery list for a granny
D) a to do list

I guess it's pretty clearly a to do list, but whatever.

Sometimes if I feel overwhelmed by a bunch of tasks I must complete, I write myself a list of these tasks just in case I forget one. I pride myself on my memory, but I'm willing to put pride aside if it means protecting against forgetting to do something. I found this note in my desk at work that I made one particularly busy day. On the left are all the tasks I had to complete in the order in which I was to do them. On the right are some items I needed to bring with me I guess. I think this was the weekend I went to a Raptors game and then to Buffalo to see football and eat chili and burgers.

I think the left hand side is rather poetic if you say it really fast in order.


Almost! First though it's Friday the 13th. So today you'll get murdered by black cats and dudes who don't like their moms and tomorrow you'll fall in love in Heaven, possibly with a Hollywood star or maybe an old friend. See that shirt? If you're ever bored download a picture of a blank t-shirt and then go to town. I made the above years ago, along with this gem:

Liv and I are going to spend Valentine's Day eating candy and Swiss Chalet, which is about the most romantic thing we are capable of. I'm going to get the biggest vat of Chalet sauce they got.

I had a check up with my new doctor today and what a time! First I had to provide a urine sample, but unfortunately the well was dry. Had they asked for a feces sample I would've had no trouble. EWWWWWWWWW. Sorry. I managed to provide one at the end of the visit; a solid cup of steaming yellow. EWWWWWWW. Sorry. It turns out I'm in perfect health, unless of course my blood test tells otherwise. I only weigh 147 pounds, which is way less than I thought it would be because last time I weighed myself I was 160 or something like that. I'm not a heavy man. Speaking of the blood test, I'm not a fan of needles and when I was about to get stuck, the music from the radio was playing this weird gothic organ-heavy song so I felt like I was in Dracula's castle and the nurse was getting my blood so Dracula could drink it later. Luckily, my doctor is no Dracula, but a really kind Asian man with neat glasses.

In grade 6 or 7 we had these ladies who weren't teachers who came and watched us during lunch when we were outside playing you know? One lady brought her boyfriend once who was this old hippie guy and we all crowded around him and was telling us stuff. We ended up in the wooded area of the yard with a big crowd of kids and this guy and the lunch lady and I remember he said to all of us while referring to a tree: "The tree has been here for hundreds of years!" and we all cheered and I remember thinking how silly it all was. Then a teacher came and told him to leave and we all probably booed. Nice one teacher. Never go against the cool guy. Our school also hosted this softball tournament and there was a girl from another school with huge cans for her age and when she ran someone started saying "jiggle jiggle jiggle" and then we all started doing it and we got in big time trouble. Several detentions. I remember they forced us into the library and we all had to stand there for like an hour just staring forward looking at the books on the shelf. Then we had to copy word for word from this book on etiquette. SUCKED. But considering we might have scarred that poor girl for life, I suppose we deserved it.

In conclusion, happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers out there and happy Friday the 13th to all the weirdos and witches. Imagine that plane in Buffalo had of crashed a couple hours later at the stroke of midnight on Friday the 13th? MESSED! But it didn't so it's simply a very sad story. That brought things down a little. Coming up next week: An interview with a dentist, four new games, a review of Ronald Dahl's "Jeff and the Big Pear" and some pictures of jungle cats. Keep reading and don't close your eyes while crossing the road. And don't close the road while crossing your eyes. <<<------- for construction workers and cops.

THURSDAY FOLLIES STARRING LITTLE PAUL

It's high time I weighed in on the whole Chris Brown beating up Rhianna thing, right? The press has been all over my ass about this thing, so here we go. First of all, Chris Brown should have never entered show business with that name of his. Based on a formula created by celebrity scientist 'Beakman', Chris would have sold 567,004 more records if his name were way cooler. Any ideas Beakman?


Using science I've come up with a few names that would utterly guarantee even more success for Chris Brown:

Fluffy Two Shoes
Big Big Rawlings
Chris BraBraBrown
Lucky Tweets
Dancer Rob

Keep in mind the success bred by the aforementioned names only refer to Chris pre-beating. Post beating he'd need to change his name to something like "Sorry Williams" or "Remember Michael Vick?" Thanks, I'm Beakman, Dr. Fad is garbage.

Ahhhh, that stunk Beakman!

But seriously, Chris Brown sure is dumb. He's young, rich, popular and he's dating this desirable young pop star that several dudes want to do and he goes and beats the shit out of her, digging himself a hole that few would be able to crawl out of. I really can't comprehend what would make someone throw away their success like that. They must take it for granted. I figure famous people are either so humbled by their success that they appreciate it and feel lucky, while others have the attitude that they were always meant to be famous and they take it for granted, like our friend Lucky Tweets. Here's a tie in thought:

I've always hated when successful people say stuff like "work hard and follow your dreams and you can be anything you want. Buy my new perfume and check out my line of spoons". Easy for you to say! You made it! And it might not have even been that hard, but since it's the only thing you've ever done and you made it, you just assumed it was hard. I guess I'm really talking about actors and manufactured pop stars here. CEOs and doctors work pretty hard. Like if Paul Walker said something like that, I'd be all like "oh yeah? How did you get to where you got?" Then he'd say "Went to high school. So tough. Moved out to L.A., found an agent and went to some auditions and they liked my look". I feel the same way when celebs thank God at award shows. It must be way easier to believe in God when all this good stuff happens to you. If I got hugely rich and famous I'd probably shrug and say thanks to God too because I wouldn't be able to explain my success any other way. So I guess that makes me a hypocrite sort of.

The biography of Elton John is on right now. I think he's one of those guys who's untouchable. If you don't like or simply respect Elton John then you're ignorant. No doubt about it. Nothing bothers me more than when people don't like something that you have to like. Although I've never really liked Bob Dylan and people might get mad at me for that. I do respect him though and that counts.

You know what funny name I haven't heard in a while? 'Hortense'. I love meeting someone with an old fashioned name. I've met a couple of Esther's in my day and they're alright! Do you think the name "Lance" is extinct? I think only baseballs players have that name anymore. It's not old fashioned though. The name 'Lance' is like the VCR. Same time line. They're twin brothers. Hortense's brother is the spinning wheel probably. At some point during my youth my siblings and I thought the funniest name in the world was "Eli". Eli's brother is a dirty old tractor that stopped working in the 70's and is still on the farm rusting away in the oat fields.

There's some great information in this post and I hope you can use it today to do whatever it is you do. Are you a baker? Then bake some cookies for a guy named Lance somehow. Are you an actor? Believe in God and don't beat up girls. Are you a TV scientist? Don't mess around with Beakman. Just ask Dr. Fad. Are you a policeman? Keep up the good work, but ease up sometimes. And to everyone else? HAKUNA MATATA!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUMP DAY IS A DUMB NAME BUT I STILL AGREE WITH ITS PHILOSOPHY

Greetings from Nashville, Texas! Is it still cold in Canada? There are so many cacti here and it's steaming hot. I got ribs and a Miller High Life in my hand and the sheriff is lookin' at my funny. Where's my six shooter gun?

Totally joking, I'm still here. Did anyone happen to catch Conan last night? So great man. Norm McDonald was on and he was so funny and then Conan and Norm did a cooking demo with Gordon Ramsay and yep, that was so funny, and then the musical guest was Levon Helm. I haven't seen Levon in a while and geez guy, he looks like a mummy. He's only 68 and he looks a million times older than Don Cherry who just turned 75. It must be smoking. It's funny how everyone knows that smoking turns you into a hoarse voiced zombie, but they smoke anyway because of the chemicals. That seems so fundamentally wrong in today's modern, Internet ruled society. At least it appears smoking is on its way out. I guess people will always smoke, but eventually they'll only be able to in like a ditch somewhere far away from the general public and there will only be one cigarette company run by the government of the world and cigarettes cost a million bucks a pack and they're like in the Fifth Element where the filter is longer than the cigarette itself. If that happens, which I'm pretty sure it will (I successfully predicted the last 4 World Series champions, the last 4 American presidents and Toyota's 2007 annual sales) there will be a cool underground cigarette movement where these hippies grow their own tobacco in tobacco caves somewhere in the mountains and it's all natural and it doesn't make you addicted and it whitens your teeth and gives you the energy of 3 Red Bulls but in a good way, like it's all natural energy.

Anyway so Levon played some song and then when they came back from the commercials he played "The Weight" but they rolled the credits before it was over. That's garbage for sure. You don't cut that song ever. Especially when it's sung by a guy who might keel over and die at any second. That could be the last time he ever sings that song on camera and they cut it. I'll bet Conan was like "aaaaaahhhhh man, come on". I also bet Levon didn't care because he probably has that attitude that's like "I just play my songs man, cameras or no cameras. Smokes? Who's got em?" RIGHT???

Our trip to New York in 2 weeks is becoming the event of the year. A bunch of friends happen to be going at the same time and we're all going to do our own comedy show there as well. BIG CITY LIVING. We're also going to eat at one of those Brazilian steak house places where you get to eat sumptuous meats off this big stick: http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/33068903.
The meat glistens like diamonds! And I'm going to eat the meat diamonds that are soft like meat and not hard like diamonds. They don't taste like diamonds either.

Speaking of comedy, Andy and I are gearing up for a Jet Fighter Pilots show in April so we're doing a bunch of shows in the meantime that I will keep you posted on. We did one last night. I forgot to keep you posted on that one. It was really fun though and I think the act is coming along, just like that cool dinosaur model you're putting together. With a little more work, and a LOT more glue, our act and your dinosaur will be the toast of the town in no time. You'll be at the International Model Show and we'll be at whatever the comedy equivalent is.

That's it for today. If you're bored, play this game: You know the lyrics to "The Gambler"? There's that line "You gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run". Try to think of other professions that could apply to and then come up with a back story for your character. I'll start you off. It could be about a medieval lady who folds clothes for the king, and the king beats her and stuff and she never knows if the king wants his clothes folded or not so she just has to learn to know when to fold em and when not to. See? Now you try and call you dad with the results.

MULTIMEDIA IS A THING OF THE PAST BECAUSE EVERYTHING EVEN YOUR BREAKFAST HAS COMPUTERS

What do you a call a tired weird singer? Yawn-i. That joke has probably been told three million times. Here's one that's never been heard: What do you call a chicken that plays a dumb horn: Henny G. That one's probably been said before too. Here's an even dumber one: What do you call a dumb male model guy who just got cut with a knife: Scabio.

That's the opening monologue for today. Let's move on to today's main thing:

Posted below is the call I made to Direct Energy this morning. It's not all that interesting, but highlights include when I spell my name really fast and when she starts explaining that I'd have to call Enbridge and not Direct Energy, which, if you've been following this saga, is totally ridiculous and I was about ready to lose it. Luckily, she changed her mind about this right as she said it as you will hear. Otherwise, I would've really had to give it to her. I guess that would have made for better entertainment though. I threw this together really quickly this morning, and I turned it into a video because Blogger doesn't host straight up audio files. I threw in some pictures from my trip to California at the half way point to spice it up.



So hopefully I won't have to call them again next month, but if I do I guess I'll record it again for the world to hear. I was fairly civil all things considered. I still don't understand how it takes 2 months for a name change, and it seems she didn't either. She was really nice though and the blame should be put toward "the system" and not the people who serve it. That part where she puts me on hold was really 3 minutes long but I cut it down because I didn't want you to go through what I did. The song in the background was BRUTAL and was the definition of 'muzak'.

Last night we had a mouse episode!

I'm a man, there's no doubt about that, but I really hate rodents so I was fairly 'freaked' when Liv 'freaked' and declared 'MOUSE!' He was on top of our microwave nipping at our butter. I couldn't stand for this and Liv would'nt dare step into the kitchen so we went and bought a couple of traps and by night's end we caught the little shithead. He just couldn't resist the salty, savory allure of parmesan cheese.

Last year at the dude house I lived in we had a rat who ended up dying in the middle of the basement because it ate some poison or something, and trust guy, mice are no problem compared to a kitten sized rat. It's especially bad when you read about them on the Internet about how resilient they are and how they can swim and really how they generally fuck with you real bad. This rat lived under our sink and for that brief time when it was a tenant, going into the kitchen was a real test of one's nerves. If rats were extinct would that interrupt our eco system? Probably not. They're no sharks, that's for sure. Let's extinct rats asap. Bees and sharks are just fine and at the end of the day a mouse is no big deal, but rats are bad news no matter what Disney and the wizards at Pixar may tell you.

I hope you enjoyed the phone call video. Now you know what my voice sounds like! Is it what you expected? Is it manly? I think I'm a treble, or maybe whatever is one deeper than that. I'm used to hearing my own voice now which is nice. Isn't that the worst, when you hear your voice and you hate it? You always assumed you sounded soooooo cool and then you sound like an idiot and you get a glimpse into how others perceive you? YEAH

CRUSTY, PALE, SCABBY, YEP - THAT'S A NICE LOOKIN' BABY

Holy smokes you guys, I think I have a lot to say today, but usually when I plan on talking about something I describe it in one sentence and then I don't have anything to add, so this may suck sticks. Let's get on with the JAM SESSION:

On Saturday I packed the day with really fun activities that make you say "POW". First I went over to Honest Ed's to do some clothes shopping. Honest Ed's is like going to Winners but with way shittier stuff and every so often you can come away with some real gems. So it's sort of like exploring for gems but at a store like Winners, but no real gems, just weird clothes. This last few times I've gone I've come away empty handed, but this time I got:

A Barack Obama shirt
Three sports hats
a glass bowl
new socks with cool stripes

I gave two of the hats to two friends, while I kept the third for myself. Liv says I look like a little boy in it because I have a wee head. While I somewhat agree, I personally think I look very hip hop. Judge for yourselves:

Either way, a new hat's a new hat and I plan on wearing it no matter what anyone says. It was only $1.79. Only some dumb guy wouldn't have bought it. That dumb guy would've got home, opened his beans, sat on his rug, thought about the hat and then he would've thrown his beans against his wall paper covered wall because he remembered the hat.

After that, myself, Liv, my sister and this guy Stein went to Benihana to take advantage of their Winterlicious deal. I've always wanted to go there because I love all things teriyaki and I also love Japanese men cooking things in front of me. I had never been before and man ohhh boy, it was a good feed. Nothing very funny happened except these two ladies at our table didn't know how to use chopsticks, which isn't all that funny really, but come on. I learned how to use those things at 20 and I thought I was late. This part of the weekend is called Asian Sensation.

THEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN I went to the Sean Schau at Comedy Bar, which is hosted by Sean Cullen who is the funniest guy really. That guy can do no wrong in my book. Doesn't that Pizza Hut pasta look gross? They say that it's 'restaurant quality', which I guess means that Pizza Hut isn't officially a restaurant. It'd be funny if someone slipped up, like Pizza Hut has this legal clause where it can't call itself a restaurant because of the grease of something, but some ad guy assumed everyone knew that so in the commercial he made sure everyone knew that the quality is up to "restaurant standards" but when everyone saw it they're like "what? Pizza Hut isn't a restaurant?" and the guy is like "I thought everyone knew that!" and Pizza Hut is pissed. That's a bit of a stretch, but I think I had a good thesis.

Intermission

Here's the music video I made this weekend, featuring a song I made a few years back:



All the footage is from the Internet, even the popcorn in the toilet which I guess someone made for dudes into plumbing to show how much that particular toilet can handle, right? It's weird because it wasn't until I was done that I realized I named the fake group the Popcorn Twins and there's popcorn in the toilet. DOOIII!

On Sunday I played floor hockey and we dominated. Then I went to Sunday Night Live at Comedy Bar and what a good show it was. It's on every Sunday at 9 and you guys should go every so often because I don't think you'd regret it. Have you been to Comedy Bar yet? Why not? There's good stuff every day. And it's got such a cool sign out front. Good food, good brew, good laughs, good floor, good lights, sorta good chairs - Comedy Bar. The Place.

I didn't have time to call Enbridge this morning, so you'll have to wait to hear how the saga will end. It probably won't be as funny as last time I called because this time I know what to do.

Let's have a fun week, okay? The sun is sort of out and it's not minus a million so everyone lighten up and get down and strap a smile onto your human head.

I'll be back tomorrow with so much more stuff in your eye.

THIS CREAM WILL RESULT IN THE TASTIEST PICKLES YOU'VE EVER SMELLED

UPDATE

I received an Enbridge/Direct Energy bill yesterday and sure enough, the name on the account hasn't been changed. I'm going to wait until Monday to call because on Monday I'll be more angry and so will they. I'll attempt to record the conversation to share with the world. But I'm not very confrontational so I doubt I'll raise my voice much.

It's Friday and you're probably on your way out the door to buy some brandy, rum and cigars for all the socials and sock hops you'll be going to this weekend, so I think I'll present a very special "on the go" edition of this blog, Baz Luhrmann style. So as you're reading this, get some ambient music going in your head.

QUICK FACTS

Pepsi is better than Coke until you hit puberty.

Hitting a dude as means of flirting is never good and reasonable dudes don't like it.

Austin Powers 1 is a really really funny movie and you shouldn't let the other ones change this for you.

If you don't like Terminator 2 I want nothing to do with you.

We all take for granted things like airplanes and roller coasters. You try and build one! Thanks scientists.

Space is soooooo crazy and you should think about it every so often to get a perspective on things.

Candy is specifically designed to make your taste buds say "FUCKIN YEAH" so just have some every now and again and don't worry about your stomach or your diabetes.

Despite what dermatologists may tell you, picking at zitties to get rid of them totally works and is very satisfying.

If you're a dog person I can't 100% relate to you.

Professional athletes may be dumb but they do exciting things. If you hate sports, try to imagine them being slaves instead of multi millionaire babies and pretend you're a Roman.

I don't think skateboarding is cool anymore because I'm playing this skateboarding video game and all the dudes in it are really stupid.

I've cried after reading books, watching movies, watching TV shows and pissing my pants at T-Ball tournaments.

Working a blue collar job is extremely satisfying and when you're done for the day you take a shower, get a beer and relax and nothing is better. I was a junk man once. When you have a computer job you get home and you feel blah blah and you don't want to go on the computer ever again and you feel like you don't deserve that beer.

-------------------------------
Some of those weren't FACTS but just things about me. Those were the 'seasoning' of the piece, so get over it. All writers use seasoning: J.R.R. Tolkien seasons his stuff with descriptions of mountains and trees for example. R.L. Stine doesn't season anything. PURE SUSPENSE. I somehow came across a copy of R.L. Stine's first "adult" thriller a few years ago, and in the first few pages he gets right into swearing and sex as if he's been yearning to do so for so long but he couldn't because teens can't handle that.

ARCHIVE PICTURE OF THE DAY

This is from 2004 during the annual "Big Burger" where we all get together and make big burgers. That's me on the right. The outfit I'm wearing is an outfit you can still see me wear today. Is that bad? Should I seriously get new clothes? I suppose a Star Wars shirt and a solid sweater is pretty timeless, right? Is it? Do people talk about this behind my back? Am I the guy who hasn't changed at all? I've got a couple of new looks. I've got some business casual threads. Let's go shopping everyone!

NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM COLD WEATHER EXCEPT THOSE WHO COOL PIES

The whole attitude of keeping busy and not being lazy that I adopted at the start of the year is slowly dying a painful death, with hooks and knives and chains and severing things and poking pins in eyes and that sort of thing. I haven't been productive at all and I think I'm even lazier than I was before. Instead of blaming myself for this I figure I'll blame other things because nothing is my fault. Is this a positive attitude or a dickhead attitude? Let's let KISS answer that question:

Two sides of the coin to choose from, two
sides of the coin, they are mine
Two sides of the coin, I'm gettin' weary
Which one should I choose, I need time

That didn't answer my question at all. Let's get right into the blame:

First off, I blame winter. Winter in Toronto this year has seriously been a son of a bitch. The son's mom (mother nature probably) who is the bitch raised the son (winter) to be a cold-hearted, unforgiving bastard child who barfs snow, diarrheas slush and farts arctic wind all day and night while he laughs in our faces with his gray, shitty hair. His hair is the sky, get it? Due to this weather, I've been more inclined to just sit down and allow television to whisk me away to different places that aren't so cold, like those shows on HDNet that are just three babes going to the tropics and doing activities in bikinis. Sort of like Wild On but with less of a vision. Then I play video games because you can do them while sitting down and you don't have to think at all and you can pretend you're an NHL superstar or a adventurer or a cook. They have video games about everything these days.

BUUUUTTTT last night I did start a new project; a silly music video for a song a made a while ago. As soon as it's done I'll post it here for you to watch a million times. I've done some silly things in my life but so far this video may be my silliest yet.

Secondly, I blame the economy. If the economy was thriving there'd be more jobs meaning that I might have an easier time getting a new one. Then again, if there were more jobs and I still couldn't find a new one I'd feel even worse. CATCH 22. Kind of.

The last two days I've got phone calls from this east Indian guy looking for work. I feel really bad for him because he might've just moved here and he's got this old phone number written on an old boot that he got from someone a long time ago or something and his friend was like "you come to Canada and need work? Call dis number", and it's his only way to find work but the phone number is too old and now it's mine and I haven't actually talked to him yet, it's gone to voicemail both times so he thinks this guy (me) is going to call him back, but no one is calling him back and he'll probably have to deliver pizzas for next to nothing while he's got mouths to feed and wives to clothe. I also feel bad for myself because when he called this morning I was in bed and I heard the ring downstairs and I thought it might be a job for me.

I'm really tempted to blame myself because I can't think of anyone else to blame. Okay, fine, I'm to blame, but I blame those other two factors WAY ahead of me. I'm a distant third.

We ordered Chinese food last night and it came in like 15 minutes. That's good beacuse when you order food you want it so bad and the quicker the better. But you're telling me those guys cooked all that food AND delivered it that fast? I must've been the only one ordering that shit at 9pm last night. Either that or they're using magic. I hope that's the reason why. It makes sense because that General Tso chicken tasted out of this world! Or maybe the guy just really liked the sound of my voice and put a rush on things. You think that's ever happened in the food delivery world. I'll bet it happens to babes all the time. Sometimes you can just tell a voice belongs to a babe. My dad volunteers for our local hockey association and once Tie Domi's wife called and she was this blond babe and before she said her name I was like "this is a babe". Confirmed.

Let's have a quick review of today's events:

Intro
KISS lyrics
winter
economy
Chinese food

"Geez" is what you're probably saying. It seems all I do around here is talk about winter and jobs and then at the end I talk about how I talk about winter and jobs too much. It must be the only thing on my mind these days. Don't worry though, I have a bunch of comedy shows coming up that I can talk about and the New York trip should provide enough content to keep me going until 2013. And if that Indian guy keeps calling, I'll start a new feature called "Plight of the Immigrant". You may not laugh, but you might feel the same way you felt when you watched Tom Hanks' "The Terminal"!

EASY READING FOR A TOUGH DAY ON A MODERATE SLOPE

I'm not prepared for this today.

I've got nothing prepared.

I'm like a chef who goes into his restaurant and the owner goes, "Whattdoya gota tonight a chef? My whole-a familyisgonnabehere."

"I don't know man, just... I'll think of something."

"You gotta nothin planned?! What kinda a chef are you anywayd?"

"Is pasta okay?"

"Of course itsa okay! Look at me! I'm a bigga foreign man!"

That means I need to make some writing pasta FROM SCRATCH right this instant.

Last night Liv and I ended up watching "Date My Ex: Jo and Slade", which I've never watched before, but boooooooyyyooooboooyooyy was it dumb. In a good way.

I remember watching Jo and Slade in "The Real Housewives of Orange County" and Jo was a real idiot because she was engaged to Slade but she was only 22 or something like that and she still wanted to party like she was 22 and Slade Smiley (his real name) had kids and it was really dumb because she was a slut and he was a moron for wanting to marry her and then they broke up because she refused to stop partying. I think this new show is about them being friends while Jo goes to find a new man or something. I didn't really get it. It was the last episode. So Jo is dating these super hunks with no body hair while Slade is like her BFF, getting updates and hoping for the best or something or maybe he was still in love, I don't know. MEANWHILE Jo has these two idiot best friends who wear 67 pounds of makeup and who totally lend evidence to the fact that the show is scripted based on their acting. Maybe they're just that dumb, I don't know. I swear, this blond British friend is a piece of garbage who can't even make a reality show look real and the brunette friend seemed dumber than Audrina Partridge which I didn't think was possible.



I didn't listen to that clip so I can't comment on what they're saying, but I'll bet it was unintelligent. Seriously though, this show reminds me of Paradise Hotel in a way, which is the greatest reality show of all time, in that the the people are so stupid you just can't help but watch them. It's like watching aliens and you know how much I like aliens.

I'm sure this is the 1 millionth blog that's talked about this show in this way. I'm so sorry.

I'm going to New York at the end of the month for a week, so if you have any suggestions as to what I should do outside of the usual (climb the Empire State Building, put on a Broadway Show, eat a rat, start hip hop), drop me a line. I've only been there once and only for three days so the city is still very fresh to me. That's a funny story actually. The night before I was to drive there, I went to a kegger and got HAMMERED. I fell down some stairs, then slept on someone's floor for an hour or so and THEN I had to work in the morning BEFORE driving for 8-10 hours or however long it takes. I almost fell asleep at the wheel several times and I needed everyone in the car to scream so I wouldn't and they couldn't take over because no one knew how to drive a manual transmission but me. We made it though! We all slept on our actor friend's floor and partied with opera singers, soap stars, gay barbers and a burly Scottish guy. Cool things!

Okay, that's all. Tomorrow there will be more fun and games and a special column by former NBA superstar, Dominque Wilkins. He's going to talk about Obama probably and he'll answer YOUR questions from this week's mailbag, brought to you by Johnson & Johnson a family company.

I'M SICK OF COMPLAINING BUT IT'S ALL I KNOW. AND I KNOW MUSCLE CARS TOO.

Last night I was tossing and turning and kicking and scrunching all night long. That's the worst. I guess it usually happens when one has a lot on their mind or something. Do doctors know the answer? It's no big deal. I sleep like a bay-bay most of the time, thanks to the pillow I'm currently using which is probably the best pillow I've ever been associated with. It's got good flop, yet it's rigid, and it's soft yet supportive. The Egyptian cotton (like silk but not slippery) sheets we have round out our sleep package resulting in an unparalleled slumber, promoting dreams of adventure and eroticism. Last night I had a dream I was Rick Moranis from Ghostbusters and I was about to have sex with Sigourney Weaver in that scene where they're both possessed and they finally meet and then they do it. But it didn't end up happening. Remember water beds? No one uses those anymore. Rich guys rely on space foam nowadays. Space foam and water beds. Good and bad. Left and right. Ones and zeroes.

That was supposed to be a segue but it ended up being too poetic. It's too beautiful to be a segue, right? Today I'm going to do another edition of GOOD AND BAD. See? Up there? I said 'Good and bad' up there. Sloppy.

GOOD

Simple pleasures make the world go 'round, don't they? I'm definitely a man of simple pleasures. I can get into a good mood just by cleaning a table I've been meaning to clean or by calling someone I've been meaning to call. Do you see where this is going? Probably not. Anyway, here's a simple pleasure: Shopping at an out of town thrift store. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeaaahhhhhh.

Thrift stores in the city are no good because there are too many people looking for the same stuff as you so chances are you won't find any true gems without really scouring. I remember I went to a Goodwill in Florida when I was 16 and I found some really good stuff (a Fonzie button and a nice shirt) that wouldn't last a second around here. Back in high school we'd go to Value Village in Mississauga and come home with bags full of winners. In fact, my wardrobe today is largely based in those purchases. So next time you go on vacation and you're all bored and you go to the mall and you think it's going to be cool, but then it has the same stores as Sherway Gardens and you're bummed, try to find the local thrift store and shop to your throat's content.

BAD

One of my most hated things to do in the world is write a cover letter. I've been writing these things for the last year as I've been job searching and I swear it's the most painful experience in the world next to a bear attack or a tiger attack or a shitty exam. I was writing one last night and I was swearing out loud by myself. This only happens when I'm:

A) writing cover letters
B) playing video games
C) putting something together or fixing something

There's something smarmy about selling yourself in three paragraphs and feeling the pressure to address every little qualification the job lists. Wouldn't it make more sense for the employer to provide a questionnaire of some sort? I'd be much more comfortable doing that. Or you send in a quick video of yourself or something? There's got to be a better way. I wish there was like a job permanent record of some sort. My record is clean! I've been a really good worker. I've never been fired. I write really nice letters of resignation!

PLUS, you're basically graded on your cover letter with a distinct 'pass' or 'fail'. You pass if you get an interview and you fail if you don't. Simple as that. By that logic, I've failed 98% of all my cover letters since I started looking for a new job, making writing a new one even worse because I feel like anything I write is going to be ineffective. Maybe I'm just not qualified enough for the jobs I apply for. That could definitely be it.

I talk a lot about jobs, which you may or may not be interested in, but my moods are usually based around employment and I spend most of my time at a job so in order to make the title of the blog relevant, jobs must be discussed. I'll talk about motorcycles, skydiving and babes at a later date. I once had a dirt bike! Serious!

There's these guys who go out on the ice covered lake in front of Harbourfront Centre that I can see out my window and I really want to know what they're up to but I'm too far away. My guess is they're training. I hope they're fishing. Or they're just crazy or something. That's way more interesting.

THIS ONE'S KIND OF LONG BUT DON'T WORRY THE TEST WILL ONLY HAVE LIKE 2 QUESTIONS

And another week begins, full of promise and hope, riding on the wings of a dream. A dream of hope and promise, feeding the eternal soul and stroking the heart bursting with love.

Don't you hate people who talk like that? I think that's why I never really got down with church. If the minister had of been more straight talkin' I think I might have enjoyed it more. To get into church you have to enjoy it. Jesus stories alone can't keep the attention of a young boy. Church was too serious man. I think they keep church serious because it helps keep things real and I guess because they believe everything no matter what. Do you think religion will ever go out of style? Probably not in the Eastern part of the world, but I could see the West changing their minds, albeit in hundreds or even thousands of years of years. People still hate atheists pretty bad. I suppose I'm agnostic these days. Or kind of like Kevin Smith's Dogma. I'm kind of like that.

Okay, weekend wrap up. Historic weekend! Another Super Bowl. What quarterbacks!

On Friday I went to a housewarming party and had some good conversations with friends I don't see nearly enough. I was planning on taking pictures but I forgot until it was time to leave at which point I took 2 or 3 blurry snaps of uninteresting things, so I'll spare you. Then again, I could just post any old picture of a party and claim it was the one I went to. Like this:



That's my friend Demi on the left. She forgot her shirt so she ripped the top part of her jeans off and made one. She's REALLY arty and very resourceful. Because her jeans were cut off you could see her butt cheeks, but she didn't care because she's not bashful! Most people would be embarrassed, but girl worked it!

On Saturday I slept in for a while and then did nothing all day. Liv and I went to Bistro 990 to take advantage of Winterlicious and it was good not great. That place needs to update its decor something awful. Flower print chairs scream grandma's dining room. THEN I went to a birthday party for an hour before I was due to perform at this show called "The Dumbest Shit". Here are two pictures with explanations so you'll understand what's in the photos and you don't have to guess.

Andy and I try out our new bit called "Two Neil Youngs". This was the perfect show to try it out on because it's definitely some dumb shit. I'd rate the performance a B-. If it were any other show it'd be a D- probably.

Here are your hosts Chris Locke, Brian Barlow and Graham Wagner, who are some of the funniest men around. Wigs and accessories are very important at this show. Do you like wigs and accessories? Come to the next one!

I went to my friends' Maureen and Greg's to catch "The Big Football Game" and I couldn't have asked for a better time. They fired up a deep fryer and I ate the worst food I've eaten in a while and by worst I mean tastiest. I ate multiple:

Fries
Chips
Root beers
cokes
mozzarella sticks
jalapeno poppers
carrot sticks
potato salad
wingies
ribbies
deep fried Mars bars
donuts

And what a game! I was going for the red birds because my friends like the Steelers and much like Sauron of Lord of the Rings fame, I feed off suffering.

Now you're caught up 100% to my life. You could basically be me right now. Are you on a computer at work? You're me! Are you going to get some chicken teriyaki from Edo Japan for lunch? You're me! Send me $10 and I'll mail you a shirt of mine so can be me even more. Probably a t-shirt, they're not expensive.

Finally, let me ask you something. If you went to a restaurant and the door was locked and you saw two doorbells outside with numbers labelled 210 and 208-A, would you:

A) Assume the restaurant is closed and that the doorbells correspond to the apartments above the restaurant

or

B) Get mad that the door is locked and assume that the doorbells have something to do with the restaurant and if you ring the doorbells, they'll let you in no problem and you'll eat lunch.

You'd probably pick 'A', right? Well you'd be surprised how many people choose 'B' because at least once or twice a week around the time the restaurant downstairs is opening, someone will ring our damn doorbell thinking it will get them in. Have you ever needed to ring a doorbell to get into a restaurant? Do restaurants even have doorbells? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

So don't do it if you ever get the urge.

Bye January, you filthy, good-for-nothing cock monster. Eat shit and die!