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February 5, 2009

NOTHING GOOD CAN COME FROM COLD WEATHER EXCEPT THOSE WHO COOL PIES

The whole attitude of keeping busy and not being lazy that I adopted at the start of the year is slowly dying a painful death, with hooks and knives and chains and severing things and poking pins in eyes and that sort of thing. I haven't been productive at all and I think I'm even lazier than I was before. Instead of blaming myself for this I figure I'll blame other things because nothing is my fault. Is this a positive attitude or a dickhead attitude? Let's let KISS answer that question:

Two sides of the coin to choose from, two
sides of the coin, they are mine
Two sides of the coin, I'm gettin' weary
Which one should I choose, I need time

That didn't answer my question at all. Let's get right into the blame:

First off, I blame winter. Winter in Toronto this year has seriously been a son of a bitch. The son's mom (mother nature probably) who is the bitch raised the son (winter) to be a cold-hearted, unforgiving bastard child who barfs snow, diarrheas slush and farts arctic wind all day and night while he laughs in our faces with his gray, shitty hair. His hair is the sky, get it? Due to this weather, I've been more inclined to just sit down and allow television to whisk me away to different places that aren't so cold, like those shows on HDNet that are just three babes going to the tropics and doing activities in bikinis. Sort of like Wild On but with less of a vision. Then I play video games because you can do them while sitting down and you don't have to think at all and you can pretend you're an NHL superstar or a adventurer or a cook. They have video games about everything these days.

BUUUUTTTT last night I did start a new project; a silly music video for a song a made a while ago. As soon as it's done I'll post it here for you to watch a million times. I've done some silly things in my life but so far this video may be my silliest yet.

Secondly, I blame the economy. If the economy was thriving there'd be more jobs meaning that I might have an easier time getting a new one. Then again, if there were more jobs and I still couldn't find a new one I'd feel even worse. CATCH 22. Kind of.

The last two days I've got phone calls from this east Indian guy looking for work. I feel really bad for him because he might've just moved here and he's got this old phone number written on an old boot that he got from someone a long time ago or something and his friend was like "you come to Canada and need work? Call dis number", and it's his only way to find work but the phone number is too old and now it's mine and I haven't actually talked to him yet, it's gone to voicemail both times so he thinks this guy (me) is going to call him back, but no one is calling him back and he'll probably have to deliver pizzas for next to nothing while he's got mouths to feed and wives to clothe. I also feel bad for myself because when he called this morning I was in bed and I heard the ring downstairs and I thought it might be a job for me.

I'm really tempted to blame myself because I can't think of anyone else to blame. Okay, fine, I'm to blame, but I blame those other two factors WAY ahead of me. I'm a distant third.

We ordered Chinese food last night and it came in like 15 minutes. That's good beacuse when you order food you want it so bad and the quicker the better. But you're telling me those guys cooked all that food AND delivered it that fast? I must've been the only one ordering that shit at 9pm last night. Either that or they're using magic. I hope that's the reason why. It makes sense because that General Tso chicken tasted out of this world! Or maybe the guy just really liked the sound of my voice and put a rush on things. You think that's ever happened in the food delivery world. I'll bet it happens to babes all the time. Sometimes you can just tell a voice belongs to a babe. My dad volunteers for our local hockey association and once Tie Domi's wife called and she was this blond babe and before she said her name I was like "this is a babe". Confirmed.

Let's have a quick review of today's events:

Intro
KISS lyrics
winter
economy
Chinese food

"Geez" is what you're probably saying. It seems all I do around here is talk about winter and jobs and then at the end I talk about how I talk about winter and jobs too much. It must be the only thing on my mind these days. Don't worry though, I have a bunch of comedy shows coming up that I can talk about and the New York trip should provide enough content to keep me going until 2013. And if that Indian guy keeps calling, I'll start a new feature called "Plight of the Immigrant". You may not laugh, but you might feel the same way you felt when you watched Tom Hanks' "The Terminal"!

1 comment:

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