February 12, 2009


It's high time I weighed in on the whole Chris Brown beating up Rhianna thing, right? The press has been all over my ass about this thing, so here we go. First of all, Chris Brown should have never entered show business with that name of his. Based on a formula created by celebrity scientist 'Beakman', Chris would have sold 567,004 more records if his name were way cooler. Any ideas Beakman?

Using science I've come up with a few names that would utterly guarantee even more success for Chris Brown:

Fluffy Two Shoes

Big Big Rawlings

Chris BraBraBrown

Lucky Tweets

Dancer Rob

Keep in mind the success bred by the aforementioned names only refer to Chris pre-beating. Post beating he'd need to change his name to something like "Sorry Williams" or "Remember Michael Vick?" Thanks, I'm Beakman, Dr. Fad is garbage.

Ahhhh, that stunk Beakman!

But seriously, Chris Brown sure is dumb. He's young, rich, popular and he's dating this desirable young pop star that several dudes want to do and he goes and beats the shit out of her, digging himself a hole that few would be able to crawl out of. I really can't comprehend what would make someone throw away their success like that. They must take it for granted. I figure famous people are either so humbled by their success that they appreciate it and feel lucky, while others have the attitude that they were always meant to be famous and they take it for granted, like our friend Lucky Tweets. Here's a tie in thought:

I've always hated when successful people say stuff like "work hard and follow your dreams and you can be anything you want. Buy my new perfume and check out my line of spoons". Easy for you to say! You made it! And it might not have even been that hard, but since it's the only thing you've ever done and you made it, you just assumed it was hard. I guess I'm really talking about actors and manufactured pop stars here. CEOs and doctors work pretty hard. Like if Paul Walker said something like that, I'd be all like "oh yeah? How did you get to where you got?" Then he'd say "Went to high school. So tough. Moved out to L.A., found an agent and went to some auditions and they liked my look". I feel the same way when celebs thank God at award shows. It must be way easier to believe in God when all this good stuff happens to you. If I got hugely rich and famous I'd probably shrug and say thanks to God too because I wouldn't be able to explain my success any other way. So I guess that makes me a hypocrite sort of.

The biography of Elton John is on right now. I think he's one of those guys who's untouchable. If you don't like or simply respect Elton John then you're ignorant. No doubt about it. Nothing bothers me more than when people don't like something that you have to like. Although I've never really liked Bob Dylan and people might get mad at me for that. I do respect him though and that counts.

You know what funny name I haven't heard in a while? 'Hortense'. I love meeting someone with an old fashioned name. I've met a couple of Esther's in my day and they're alright! Do you think the name "Lance" is extinct? I think only baseballs players have that name anymore. It's not old fashioned though. The name 'Lance' is like the VCR. Same time line. They're twin brothers. Hortense's brother is the spinning wheel probably. At some point during my youth my siblings and I thought the funniest name in the world was "Eli". Eli's brother is a dirty old tractor that stopped working in the 70's and is still on the farm rusting away in the oat fields.

There's some great information in this post and I hope you can use it today to do whatever it is you do. Are you a baker? Then bake some cookies for a guy named Lance somehow. Are you an actor? Believe in God and don't beat up girls. Are you a TV scientist? Don't mess around with Beakman. Just ask Dr. Fad. Are you a policeman? Keep up the good work, but ease up sometimes. And to everyone else? HAKUNA MATATA!!!!!!!!!!!!

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