THE SPANISH ARE COMING AND THEY'RE BRINGING TREATS

I'm back!

First, I traveled 20 years into the future. Our future Prime Minister is a cocky 21 year old named Han Troop - he's a Liberal who gets things done. Anyway, then I went BACK in time to 1998, taught my past self about girls, then went FORWARD to this past weekend, had some experiences, then BACK again to 2005, grabbed a Snapple and went to an Internet Cafe where I'm writing this. I have it scheduled to post at exactly 5:00 am on September 31st, 2009. I'll spare you all my adventure stories and just talk about that weekend that I experienced.

On the weekend I watched a bunch of the critically acclaimed "The Sopranos", the TV show whose logo uses a gun for the letter "r" - great graphic design AND storytelling! I'm on season 2. If you see me in a deli don't ruin anything for me or I'll have your toilet broken by this guy I know who breaks toilets by peeing weird into them.

On Saturday I tried to go shopping for some stuff and against all odds I ALMOST bought a new coat. But the colour was blah blah, so I passed. We also saw that movie "IN THE LOOP" which was a laughy piece that really ruled.

Whence night fell, my friend Brendan threw a BBQ in honour of his 27th year and this guy Eddie made a pork feast that really captured pig magic. I also drank a 40oz, which I haven't had in a while laughed the night away at various rated R stories from my friends.

Sunday I played tennis and went to Sunday Night Live for an industry showcase best of show. Those guys are good guys and there was free beer and bacon-centric "orr derves". Take THAT French language.

STYLE WATCH

On the subway we saw this guy immersed in a novel and he was wearing a "Great Gatsby" t-shirt that looked like this:
Only this guy wasn't a hip dude like the hairless armed guy up there. Even if he was I think that shirt is pretty bad. That's the kind of shirt that ONLY a fat party animal should wear in the most ironic way possible. Otherwise you just look like a snooty mule. You might was well be wearing a shirt that says "I read books". It would be a lot better if it were just the art and not the words. I'd be okay with that. And what I says matters because I'm a part of this puzzle we call "society" and I'll more than allowed to. Han Troop taught me that over Pancetta Whoopers at a Burger King Express. Never heard of them? Come 2029 you will.

WEEKEND WONDERS

WEEKEND WONDER 2

Weekends give most humans unparalleled freedoms - freedoms whose children we like to call WEEKEND WONDERS.

Leisure. Activity. Sports.

Family. Friends. Pets.

A true weekend wonder is all of these things. That's why a true wonder is "playing catch with your dog"

Don't let "Rex", "Spot" or "Plompf" sit there watching. Include him or her.

Weekend Wonder 2 - Playing catch with your dog.

"I own four dogs - my collie and three daughters."
- Alexander "Graham" Bell

WEEKEND WONDERS

WEEKEND WONDER 1

Weekends give most humans unparalleled freedoms - freedoms whose children we like to call WEEKEND WONDERS.

"Breakfast in Bed" - A staple winter weekend wonder - fine for all you Plain James.

Summer weekends are all about "breakfast in pool"


Weekend Wonder 1 - BREAKFAST IN POOL

Brought to you by the suburbs and mothers who make their own popsicles.

RICH GUYS BUY SCOREBOARDS FOR THEIR WIVES TO DISPLAY GROCERY LISTS

Hey locals - doesn't this week's weather remind you of the first day of school? A crisp, breezy coolness and a sense of dread.

Not everyone finds it dreadful. I actually kind of liked the first day of school throughout my collegiate career because I'm a fan of transition seasons with their mid-range temperatures, and also because I associate autumn with turkey dinners and new sports on TV. Also, school was always so easy at the beginning - the first month was generally spent making colourful signs with your name on it and talking about what was going to happen the rest of the year.

The Dangle brothers on the first day of school, Sept. '06. Older brother Paul bet his dad that he could convince little Bill to bring his lunch to school in an art cone. Here, Paul shows off his winnings while little Bill stands oblivious to the taunting and beatings he's about to receive.

Unlike most of you wasteoids, I actually remember my very first day of school. I went in all shy and watched as this kid asked the teacher, "what do I do with my snack?" which I believe was an apple. My mom didn't pack me a snack so I freaked out. This might explain the anxiety I've felt on subsequent first days of school and new situations.

On the first day in grade 1 I remember I somehow got first pick of toys and was like "this year's gonna be different, I got this". I picked plasticine because my family was into playdough so I guess I found it exotic - what a mistake. I watched in envy the children after me picked "computer", "water table" and "finger painting" while my plasticine quickly lost its pizazz after I realized it's just playdough with a different level of pliability.

The only thing I remember about the first day of high school was that every male looked like a mean older brother, every girl had breasts and they all seemed to drive cars.

This post probably would've been more suitable in a few weeks when I actually go back to school, but once I started I couldn't stop. Plus I'm sure my adult school won't nearly be as interesting as kids school because I won't get to pick an activity and I won't be on the lookout for a girl to have a crush on.

It's Friday, let's eat!

SOME NICE WORDS FROM OUR PRESIDENT - LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, HHEEERREEE'SSS GRANDMA

Last night I slept so soundly, and yet today I feel like a groggy goose, thus proving that too much sleep can be a detriment. In fact, I've been tired a lot lately. Maybe I have a disease, or maybe one of my vital organs is malfunctioning. Imagine the kind of medical technologies the future holds? I pretty much picture it being like this:

Bacta chambers and 2-1B Medical Droids

In the future there will be a bunch more body scanning for sure. Like if I were in the future right now, feeling consistently tired like I have been lately, I'd just go to my droid and get scanned and he'd be like:

"Systems normal. You need more iron though, Master."

And instead of eating kale for two weeks straight, I'd just take some sort of supplement or injection, like how they inject future drug "Nuke" in Robocop 2.

Does that mean we'll do away with doctors?

Not necessarily, but there definitely won't be as many. Those who go to normal doctors will kind of be like people today who eat only organic, local foods - it's kind of a good idea, but there are far more convenient options. Advanced technology will be to medicine as grocery stores were to dinner. Get it?

SILLY REAL INTERNET FOR YOUR LEISURE

Check out this real company. How has "Buttcon" stayed in business since 1979 with a name like that? If I were a business man and I had to choose between "Buttcon" and say a company like "Gold Trophy Inc.", the choice would be obvious. Buttcon must have the best damn salesmen in the biz. You want a challenge? Work for Buttcon.

"So why don't you want to do business with us? Gold Trophy has higher prices, terrible customer service and their president's name is Snake Murder."
"Ummm, I just don't think Buttcon is right for us."
"It's the name isn't it."
"Yes sir it is."

Slogans

Buttcon - Only our name is garbage
Buttcon - The good kind of Butt
Buttcon - Wouldn't you love to tell your friends about our name?

And there's one of my old favourites. I remember finding this when I was bored on the Internet, which I'm sure is where half of their traffic comes from.

Slogans

WE. ARE. BORING.
Work for us. Get a Boring career.
Get a Boring experience

Etc., etc.

HavE a siiiiickkkkkkkkkkkk ********* Thurzdei ::::::>>>>>>>

WATCHES ARE GOING TO BECOME MUCH MORE ADVANCED REAL SOON

Remember "Grandma Comics"? If not, it fits the spirit of the character (she has Alzheimer's real bad), so you're cool. She's back and the same as ever.

She looks just like the Hippie-Crite and swears just like him too. In the fifth panel I couldn't draw an old lady driving a car so I straight jacked one. Besides building things and ending conversations, drawing is one of my worst talents. I just can't make my hands do what my mind wants it to. But I can play most sports reasonably well, so I'm not completely useless.

The fall season is almost upon us, which means dead leaves, lots of root vegetables and new TV. I'm pleased as punch that two of my favourite shows - Project Runway and Top Chef - will be back with new contestants who have dumb hair.

Speaking of dumb hair, Liv and I have totally given up on Jon and Kate Plus Eight. I loved watching their train wreck of a marriage fall apart in front of the world, but since they've reverted back to just farting around and doing expensive activities with their emotionally damaged children, it just doesn't appeal to me. Also, I was a once staunch supporter of "Jon", but his recent behaviour and his fondness for the worst clothes in the galaxy, have turned me against him. I guess I won't "plug" his show any longer.

SPECIAL INFO BULLETIN

The season finale of HOTBOX airs tonight on the Comedy Network at 10:00pm. MAN, I can't believe it's been 13 weeks since I first mentioned the show. Every day is a time machine for me.

GROSS? WEIRD?

Internet Time Machine with Dr. Theodore Greed


In my line of work, I'm on the Internet all day. My line of work is that I'm a doctor. A doctor of what? A magician never reveals his tricks.

Between Googling the shit out of everything and maintaining a flawless Wikipedia page on the 8-bit operating system "GEOS" (don't bother fucking with it, I'll have things back to normal before you can say "Cha Cha Cha"), I like to spend some time on http://www.archive.org/web/web.php. This website lets you see archived versions of any URL you type in. Glenn asked me to come in today and not only warp your pea brains with hot Internet action, but also point you to an old website he and his friends used to have because he hasn't done anything cool in the last 24 hours and thus has nothing to tell you.

Go to that URL provided above, type in http://www.thepolecats.net, and take a virtual trip down history road on a digital hyper board that travels at the speed of high speed Internet.

For What I Did and How I Am, I've been Dr. Theodore Greed. Doctor of what? AHAHAHAHAHHA, you wish you waste of space. Surf on.

Checking out the old Polecats website probably isn't all that exciting, but don't stop there. Try it with your favourites and behold the retro future. We've come a long way, baby!

I don't think I have any plans this weekend, so I'm going to ACTUALLY try shopping for new shirts. I think the oldest t-shirt I own dates back to grade 11, making it about 10 years old or so. I love my team dearly, but sometimes you gotta bring in some young guns. The tough part is going to be figuring out which to keep and which to rid myself of. I'll keep you posted and maybe a few of you lucky readers can inherit a shirt of your own! Gross? Weird?

What do you think of Dr. Greed? Gross? Weird?

PEOPLE FORGET THAT EYES ARE MOST EXTRAORDINARY

This past weekend was a potpourri of entertainment, love and relaxation, which I'm pretty sure is what women seek when they go to the spa.

On Friday I forwent partying to save my energy and my stomach for Saturday's big wedding. Liv and I headed to the local video shop and picked up James Toback's "TYSON". Folks, let me tell you something - this movie will change the way you think about a man. When was the last time a film did that for you? Your rom coms and blood thrillers don't give you that kind of brain spell. Before I saw this movie I thought Mike Tyson was a psycho rapist who would murder anyone who looked at him the wrong way. Now I think he's a misunderstood psycho rapist, a complex and damaged man, whose life us suburban bred crackers can't even begin to understand. See guy who thought I hate every movie? I like this one a whole lot.

Saturday was the big day for my friends Hayden and Julia. No, they didn't go tandem skydiving, they got married. The Ojibway ceremony was wonderful, enhanced greatly by the surrounding forest. We got to smell smoke, drink sacred water and eat corn, wild rice and blueberries.

My friends watch as love blossoms, with tons of mosquitoes hovering amongst us. Were they in love too? Probably not, mosquitoes only care about sex and blood.

We're not allowed to post wedding pictures on the Internet per the bride and groom, so here's some stock footage:

Andy and I MC'd the reception, and I think we did pretty good. We had some good jokes and kept things moving smoooooooove. Our 40oz beer drinking kissing game trivia challenge wasn't as popular as I would've hoped, but then again 40s are gross and the one we had was real warm.

Sunday afternoon I took a very rare nap after watching the first episode of the Sopranos a popular television show that began at the turn of the century. The only way I can nap is if I'm severely tired, because otherwise I put too much pressure on myself to fall asleep and when it doesn't happen right away I get frustrated and get up.

Sunday night I went to the Rivoli for the Laugh Sabbath three year anniversary. What a bunch of guys! Check out some of their websites in the "Eyeball These" section of this website.

Are we ready for a productive week? Your goal should be to buy everyone's Christmas presents now and save yourself the trouble later. So many summer deals and hot looks out there right now.

HYPERLINKS ARE THE COLOUR "INTERNET BLUE"

BIG GIG THIS WEEKEND

On Saturday, my friends Hayden and Julia are getting married and Andy and I are booked to be the MCs. As far as I know, a good wedding MC should:

• make the meal taste better
• make all the singles fall in love
• get everyone the perfect amount of drunk, based on personal tolerances - a true master can do this on the fly. All you really need to be able to do is tell the difference between man and woman, young and old, and big and small. Lucky for me, I have the eyes of a scorpion.
  
• make everyone cry. The kind of crying you do when you watch the end of
  Shawshank Redemption
• have a song ready to sing, just in case something goes wrong and a song is needed for some reason. Imagine there was an emergency and I belted out "Danny Boy"? Two birds with one stone. See point above. I'm the hero.
  
• look cooler and sexier than everyone but the bride and groom

I think that's all we have to do. That and just basically rock the party, but people should be striving to do that day in and day out, MC or not.

HOLLYWOOD HOT PLATE WITH:






Just kidding, it's me still.

Whenever I hear about new public images of naked celebrities, I gotta check it them out because I've spent a lot of money on entertainment throughout my life, so the least they can do is give a little something back and show butt every now and then.

So when I heard that there was another Hollywood sex romp CAUGHT ON TAPE I had to see it. I'm talking of course about the one featuring Leonardo DiCaprio's older brother, Eric Dane, his 1990's wife Rebecca Gayheart and some other woman who has bigger cans than her. I'd describe this video as "everyday naked" because they don't do anything but hang out nude and have an idiotic conversation. I wouldn't bother checking it out unless you're a real horn dog - but if you're a real horn dog you've probably already seen it. Or you didn't bother because you don't waste your time with grainy nude romps featuring c-list celebrities.

THOUGHTS

My office gives me a sore throat every day. It goes away and then I go back to work and it shows up again. Science or wizardry?

50 CENT ONCE TOLD ME "I CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT KIND OF SOCKS SO I KNIT MINE INSTEAD"

LOOSE ENDS - The death of my change purse

The only mystery bigger than "how did this guy get neck deep in coin?" is "what nationality is this guy?". But this biggest mystery of all is "man or woman?"

I've decided that I'm going to keep my current wallet, which does not have a built-in change pouch. "So you're buying a new change purse then? You continue to be a girl trapped in a shitty guy's body," you say. Nope. I'm now a complete man. I initiated a new system that involves keeping change in my pocket during transit, while a "change mug" is kept on my bureau at HQ within which coins are safely stowed until needed. I'm pretty happy with this system because it keeps my pockets light and I still get the safety of the mug. I will now only carry change when I think I'll need it (arcades etc.). I thank all of you for your support during this difficult time and I welcome your feedback regarding the issue.

That paragraph up there probably won't help in attracting new readers, but for all you members, it's a special treat that makes you feel like you're part of a team. Other perks include:

1) A Christmas party at Mandarin where I pick all buffet items. Last year I picked all stews!

2) 1 free pass to a tour of my house - "Journey into the Fabulous". Tours run every Saturday around dinner time.

3) Free hockey skills tips. You can just call me and ask about those. Free of.

The other day I was poppin' wheelies down Richmond on my bike and this guy in a car beside me was blasting some music from former TV pussy and new hot hunk, "Drake" and I heard these lyrics:

I've perfected my craft using
Tryna make some cheese off a single is a process.
GET IT? !
Craft. single. cheese. process.
Sit back and admire the talent that I possess.

At first I was like "baahahahahahahah" but then I was like "sick". There's a missing word there after "using" but none of the shitty lyrics sites had it. Here' s a Weird Al style version:

Now that I'm big I've had a million lays
savin' up to get a barbecue, and poker chips wif a bag

GET IT? !

Lays. Barbecue. Chips. Bag.

Sit back and check out this blue silk rag.

Okay, so mine aren't nearly as good, which probably explains why I'm not rich and sort of dating Rihanna.

Now picture me riding off into the sunset on a boat with a parachute attached to it and the person in the parachute is a naked chick and she's eating pizza. If I get rich this will happen.

THAT MID WEEK HEAT MAKES MY SPAGHETTI LOOSE

My friend Jon turned 27 on July 16th, but since he was in Montreal working, his birthday went by and there was no party, no cake, no favours, no gifts, no 'loons. So last night some of his friends organized a belated surprise party for him, the theme being Michael Jackson's funeral.

This post normally would've kicked into high gear right about now had I been there for the surprise, costumes and cake, but by the time I got there it was a standard roof party with cake remnants and a few grapes. Plus I forgot my camera so I can't even show you that stuff. Some older brother I am.

This isn't the roof party, but it's a roof party. A real good one by the looks of things.

That's bad for you, but it was still good for me because I got to see a bunch of a-okays, some of which I hadn't seen in all summer long. We had a long talk about John Cusack and the Coen brothers and then the coppers showed up because they were scared we were going to fall off the roof. No biggie. I play cops like Reginald Val Johnson. <-----sick verse.

Roof party international world wide, unity

Then we played with some chalk for awhile, Katie sat on a grape (makin' wine guy) and someone's bike got broken.

Roof party at TV's Christian Campbell's house, NYC. Not the one I'm talking about up there. Years ago.

Monday and Tuesday I was feeling pretty dumpy doo, so hopefully things will change with the coming of Wednesday, the most feminine of all the days. Monday is kind of like an old lady, Tuesday is a boring reliable guy, Thursday is a jock, Friday is a party animal, and Saturday is the coolest guy you know. Sunday is an old lady I think. Have I gone through this before? I hope that I did and that I explained it exactly the same. Otherwise I'll look like a turd.

CAP GUN BY LOUIS VUITTON

WEEKEND FILL-IN - PART TWO - THE JEWEL OF GARNOK

Let's talk about Sunday for a second. Me, Liv and some good pals took the islands of Toronto for a day of relaxation and summer vibes. I bought a new cooler bag, six beers, six hot dogs, one bag of premium chips and a disposable grill for the occasion and all items teamed up to make for one great day. We started the festivities at the nude beach for a nice dip and some lakeside brews.

Liv was head of dong patrol and in this picture gives cheers to her favourite wiener of the day (not pictured)

Stein and Temple drink beer while a nude man in a sarong, which we all admitted we'd never seen before, discusses hunk sightings with a friend.

After baking like clay in the hot fireball sun, we took to the quiets of the island broads for a game of classic American style catch, and a hearty meal that feature the aforementioned hot dogs, as well as Mexican style corn, tomatoes and hamburgers. I guess we didn't bring enough food, because eventually we started eating bun tacos* featuring Diana Sauce and ketchup. But it didn't matter. It was probably the most relaxed I've been in a long time and we all vehemently agreed that the day was a success, capped off by a round of enthusiastic high fives outside of Union Station.

At night I was really hot and tired.

I'm really glad I was able to make use of the nicest weekend in forever by enjoying mother nature's huge summer boobs and surrounding myself with my friends who rule.

But it's too hot out. Way too hot.

* A "bun taco" is a folded half of a bun filled with whatever sauce is on hand.

MYTHBUSTERS SHOULD DO A SHOW ABOUT GHOSTS AND IT'LL BE THE BE ALL, END ALL

WEEKEND FILL IN - PART ONE - THE FIRST LITTLE BIT - NO SUNDAY FOR ALL YOU BEAN COUNTERS

Holy farts, I'm soooooo tired. It's Sunday night and I just had a heck of a weekend full of ups, downs, lefts, rights, ones and zeroes, Kool Aid and Tang and you get it, but it was mostly all fun and smooth things.

On Friday, some of us men took our good, to be married next week friend Julia out to Hamilton for a "Beeforette" party. We all went to univserity together in the anus of Ontario where we loved getting roast beef sandwiches from "Tally Ho", the restaurant. Roast beef, golden fries and gravy darker than grandma's stale basement.

The world famous "Beef Basket". It doesn't come with a soft drink but it does come with coleslaw which is a refreshing alternative.

Chocolate pudding? I wouldn't mind some, but I'm glad it's gravy. Thick enough that you for sure couldn't swim in it.

When I crave Tally Ho this is how it all goes down in my head.

Double beef basket

Bride to be cheats on her husband with Jacob Beef Sandwich. A sandwich, not a guy.

Then we wanted beers so we went to Hess Village, which is an area with a bunch of bars. Bars the business, not the construction material. We went to a very empty "Smooth Hermans" and found out why it was empty when they gave us re-used plastic cups to drink out of, complete with old beer residue.

Baseball action logos and speed letters were all the rage in the 1980's, but dirty plastic cups and shitty menus were never very popular.

So we headed back to Toronto and got smashed at Comedy Bar, where a big guy from Calgary kept buying everyone big drinks. He said I drink like a woman. I think I drink more like an inexperienced teenager.

On Saturday, a friend needed some cheering up and good company so we dudes went to go see that movie everyone loves, "District 9", which was dynamite for sure. That movie is just great. Before that though, Jon and I hit the public pool for a typical summer dip. The musty part was that we had to wait half an hour when we got there because they had just put some chemicals in. Everyone on the deck was so anxious, and then in a perfect summer moment, they announced it was open again and everyone screamed and cannonballed in, babes included.

Since this was such a jam packed weekend full of intrigue and ice cube trays, I'll continue tomorrow with part 2. I'll probably mention District 9 again and then gloat about how relaxed I was on Sunday. Plus, when you sit your family down for dinner tonight and your son asks about what's happening tomorrow you can tell him what to expect instead of lying to him like you usually do. You're still a cool parent though. Just keep the fresh chips and R rated comedies coming.

SUNDAY CHECK IN

Today I'm going to be doing this:

Except instead of babes, it's going to be one babe and several dudes. And the water will most definitely be grosser. Summer has arrived in Toronto and we're only halfway through August. September had better not be a dick face.

Today's check in was brought to you by:

Railroad track stupid tribal dumb tattoos

NEXT TIME I'M NOT ORDERING THE TAR THANK YOU VERY MUCH

Yesterday morning I was playing tennis with this guy Stein and I was losing pretty bad until this group of three little kids started cheering for me and dancing every time I won a point. I don't know why they chose me, Stein is a fine looking man who knows his tennis, but I'll take it - the approval of a bunch of sub six year olds is approval nonetheless.

I bounced back to win a shortened 2nd set thanks to their enthusiasm and had a conversation with them post match. It was kind of sad though. The oldest kid was like "I have a tennis racquet, but it's burnt". It turns out their house burned down or something. Then they told me a I had a cool bike and I told them to "stay out of trouble and keep practicing" because I'm a responsible adult. Sometimes I forget that. Like when a kid will be saying something or doing something to me and the parent is like "don't bother that man" and I'm like "I'm no man...oh wait, yeah".

The other day I changed my phone plan up, and because I'm a real Scrooge I don't have caller ID anymore, meaning no more phone call screening for me. I don't like phone talking, which I think started in grade 6 when girls started calling me all of a sudden. Before that my only calls were to male friends and most conversations went:
"wanna come over"
"yeah"
"see yeah"
"bye"

Girls would keep you on the line for hours and say so much without saying anything. I remember just giving a bunch of "yeahs" and "uh huhs" while my ear got hotter and hotter.

I only got my first cell phone a year ago and I've been enjoying just fine, although I don't like how it takes up valuable pocket real estate. I like to keep my pockets open just in case of emergency, which is why I have so many change related issues. waaaaaaaaaa

I WISH MY NAME WAS MUSTANG

Here's a video that I made with my friend James King a few years back:



That was back when I lived on Lippincott Street, my first Toronto dwelling. Its legacy? a dirty couch that always felt wet, its kitchen/living room combo which limited shared space big time, and a severe lack of windows.

THIS DAY IN LIVEJOURNAL HISTORY

I don't have much to say today because my mind is on the pasta salad I'm about to make, so here we go with another page from my virtual diary.

CONTEXT - Summer before I left to go to university. I think I worked at the Molson Amphitheatre. I'll include some annotations to help you better understand a couple of the terms.

August 13, 2001 4:58pm

Today went like this:
wake up
bank
phone
guitar
drive with brother
computer
phone
guitar
computer
tv
guitar
wendy's
tv
guitar
computer
dinner
computer
tv

I don't really mind days going like that but I'm at the point where I wanna leave the house now. Before summer is over I wanna:

fix/hang out a lot at the fort (In high school we built a fort beside the Credit River and it was seriously the best)
go fishing
go to a cottage
change Brasswood to asswood (There was a street near my house called "Brasswood" and we always talked about painting over the "B" to form "Asswood". It never happened)
record an album
get new shoes
and various other things that I can't think of right now.

My appetite improved slightly today, I need more meat on my bones so that's good. Come to think of it, my mom doesn't really buy that much food. I never get cookies or chips anymore, all I get is raisin bran, diet cola, and this strange flat bread that people eat when they come here.

I'm gonna get my haircut soon but it's gonna be a trim. Last time I tried that the "stylist" gave me a pompadour modelled after his own. He didn't understand what I wanted. He later caught me messing with it in the parking lot and he looked upset. my sister got 4 belt buckles from ebay today. i;m planning on stealing at least one. That's what she gets for stealing my cds and not telling me. - - ^ ^ 0 Ummmmmmmmmm i guess that's it, I'm gonna go play guitar.

If I lived near a Wendy's my routine would probably be eerily similar to that of my 19 year old self. See you tomorrow with more fun and follies.

Regards,

ROBERT LOBERT IS A REAL GUY? OH WAIT, YEAH, NEVERMIND.

I know it's been said a million silly times that robots will take over the world someday, but I've been thinking about it recently and I'm pretty sure they actually will. So many double "L"'s in that sentence.

Anyway, check out that video. Does that not convince you? As time goes on, running will turn into dancing and dancing will turn into gymnastics and gymnastics will turn into sparring and sparring will turn into fighting and fighting will turn into fighting with beams and pulse grenades. It makes so much scientific sense that the next race to take over the planet Earth will be robots. First Terminator, then Matrix. That's how it's gonna go man. It's all gonna be numbers.

And today's number is the real 300. I thought yesterday's was but I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, even professional athletes. That's what sports is all about.

I'd like to give a special goodbye my change purse whose zipper broke the other day. I know longer look like a ween when paying for things, but I'm going to miss the little guy because he kept all my change safe and intact. I haven't planned my next move though. So far I'm going with the pocket technique but I just feel like my change is so vulnerable. I like my wallet by I made need to go back to one with a change pocket. I'll keep you posted.

I AM THE PRINCE OF CADBURY'S MILK CHOCOLATE

It is with great pleasure that I announce the winner of last week's hair poetry contest. Okay, so it actually wasn't a contest and only one person wrote a poem but let's forget all that. Praise be to my brother!

Untitled

I used to have a head of long straight hair,
Though I never used a bobby pin,
I cut it all off - almost bare,
After being mistaken for a girl at the Mandarin.

The guy from Tokio Hotel faces the same problem every time he goes to the Mandarin

Apparently I was there when this happened and I laughed and laughed. I apologize. As the winner of the contest you get your Alien Quadrology back and next time you come over I might actually get you some water as you normally request.

I finished that shitty book I was talking about. The ending sucked so bad. What a waste. I liked the DaVinci Code even though brainiacs all over scoffed at its less than impressive prose. If they hated that book, they should read Harlan Coben's "Hold Tight" - a thriller where everyone's actions and motivations are utterly head scratching and where everyone in the neighbourhood is having marital troubles and knows someone who has died horrifically. Also, the bad guys in it are "goths". I could go on and on but that would make me a hypocrite.

And finally, I'd like to squeeze my own cheeks for a second in lieu of post number 300, which is what you're currently reading. I didn't really know where this blog would go when I started it, but I think I'm pretty satisfied with the results so far. To celebrate I've partnered with Dr. Kelly J. Warren to bring you this special deal:

Just print it out, go see my friend and your spider veins will be a thing of the past.

EDIT

This is actually post 299. Just pretend it's 300 for now.

THE PEARS ARE IN THE COFFEE CAN AND MY PANTS ARE ARE HANGING OFF THE HARP

If you live in Toronto right now and you're going through a break up or something equally sad bad, then this weather is for you. It's like there's a perfect movie set waiting just outside your door every day, complete with thunder, lightning and tons of RAIN. So if you're crying by candlelight, ripping out the pages of your diary and eating ice cream, why not go for a dramatic walk/run through the rain for the full experience? It reminds of this classic scene from one of my favourite movies:



When I watched Ernest Goes to Camp as a boy, that scene always tugged at my heart strings. Nobody gave a shit about Ernest. They all used his ass.

Lucky for me I'm in a stable relationship and my cat is still alive, so I didn't get to run through the rain crying with no umbrella while a moody rock song plays in the background. But for interest's sake here's what I learned this weekend:

LESSONS FROM LEISURE - THE WEEKEND AS A TEACHER

On Friday I was at Comedy Bar and the bar's owner, Gary, taught me that whenever you fight a guy you always kick his shins first no matter what.

On Saturday I went to Andy's family BBQ, which proceeded despite the obligatory rain. I learned that family BBQ's are very important when you get older because they're the best opportunity for everyone to get together. No one can turn down a BBQ especially when there's a unlimited beers and endless meats and salads around.

At night I went to Pauper's to celebrate the birthdays of two co-workers. I learned that I enjoy Mixed Martial Arts, but only when it's on TV and not when it's happening outside the Beer Station involving a homeless man and some young guy who shouldn't have been punching a homeless man - I thought that was like an unwritten rule.

On Sunday I learned that it can rain all the time for two summers straight. I was going to go see a comedy show but then it poured for an hour so I stayed home, wrote what you're reading and made a sizable dent in Harlan Coben's "Hold Tight", one of the shittiest books you'll ever read. But much like The Real Housewives of Orange County, I seem strangely attracted to it and can't seem to put it down despite its cliches and horrible plot holes. There's mention of this character who was this guy's stoner friend and his name is "Weed". That's like calling a guy who does cocaine all the time "Cocaine" or "Powder".

SUNDAY TIPS WITH BEN

"Some people go to church on Sunday. Some people rest. I make fresh pasta and chip golf balls into the sun roof of my Range Rover. 'Nuff said."

SATURDAY TIPS WITH BEN

"When your wife is Jen Garner, it's a three-day weekend all the time man. Two breasts. One baby chute. Three days. You know what I'm talking about."

FRIDAY PERSONALS

I think what I'll do is continue yesterday's discussion on not stinking and further the examination of my physical self. Consider it part 2 of a two part series called "Priceless Artifact, Valuable Work - My Bod".

Let's talk hair

I've always had a classic love/hate relationship with my wig. My standard youth cut was a classic mushroom, which eventually morphed into the 1990's cool guy staple, the "under cut", facilitated by a home haircutting kit I got for Christmas. In grade 8 I made a monumental decision to rid myself of the under cut and went to a salon for a trim. I think it looked good. I also brought out the highlights with some henna. Good move by me.

Early stages of the under cut. I wore those pajamas to school once and people thought I was the coolest then everyone started doing it. Remember that trend? Pajamas?

In mid high school all the way up to the end of university my hair was shaggy and unruly for the most part. Girls never noticed me because of my muscles but they did notice my touchable, fine, baby soft hair. The way I saw it, a girl touching your hair is still a girl touching you so it was fine by me, even if they had no interest in my butt or wiener.

High School graduation. Ready to grab the world by the arm and say "let's play something"

In university genetics kicked in and I hit what I consider "second puberty" which is hair loss. Luckily for me it's been a slow burn and I'm still no Danny DeVito, but it still stinks having your hair style limited to short or smarmy. When you lose hair you go through all sorts of stages - denial, anger, curiosity, ambivalence and finally acceptance. So that's where I'm at today. Still soft, but I've lost some soldiers along the way. This weekend I want you to reflect on your hair and maybe write a stanza or two about it.

I wanted to delve deeper into the psychology of a guy losing his hair but I think I summed it up pretty good up there. If you have any questions feel free to ask because it's my job to educate. Let's chat!

A TREATISE ON PAMPERS

You want to know something about me?

I don't smell ever.

I don't sweat the much, and if I do it's odourless AND I keep my feet fresh and pristine. I fart occasionally but if you ask me, farting is like our secondary respiratory system, so if you don't fart it's like you don't breath and therefore you're an extra terrestrial or a really tight wound idiot.

Let's expand on the feet topic.

I think we should shoot this image into space with a caption that reads "human face" and no alien will ever want to invade us

At some point the girl who lives with me noticed how smooth and baby soft my little feeties are. She was like "my feet are covered in shitty skin and they're hard as rocks. What's your secret?" The answer is of course "socks".

I've been a sock guy my whole life. I enjoy their comfort, their warmth and most importantly, their protection. A lot of people overlook that third attribute. They figure, "it's summer! I want to be as naked as possible and eat watermelon all the time." So there they are, on the beach, stepping on sand, crabs, garbage, and bird shit not once stopping to think about their tires. I don't like watermelon either by the way.

The only feet trouble I've ever had is when I bought this rad pair of Converse shoes at Value Village that were too small. I wore them anyway and so I got ingrown toenails, which is like having a toothache sub-butt. It only helped to remind me how important feet are. I still bear the scars of that experience. My big toe nails are curvy and I keep them cut long because of doctor's orders, so I kind of look like a bear down there.

This part of my personality I got from my dad. His feet look like mine and we both hate sand and watermelon while having the utmost respect for socks. I didn't want to bring watermelon into this but sometimes it just comes out. Why would you eat watermelon when there exists peaches and pineapple? If anyone can give me a convincing answer to that question I'll tell you ONE secret I've never told anyone.....okay I'll just tell you:

WEDNEDAY RAINY DAY CINEMA WRITE UPS

On Monday afternoon I took to the theatre for a screening of Judd Apatow's "Funny People". In order for this movie to be effective all it had to be was:

1) Funny
2) Interesting

Unfortunately for my hopes and expectations, the film was neither very funny nor interesting. On top of that, we had to endure what felt like 2 days worth of pre-film advertisements , 75% of which were those 5 second milk ads that have the cow roaring at the end. So by the time things started happening I was mad at milk and very impatient, emotions that continued through the film's TWO AND A HALF HOUR running time. It was definitely a watch checker.

Adam Sandler plays a dickhead weasel who's out to steal an Australian guy's wife while his sidekick (Seth Rogen) cries the whole time

There were some funny bits, and the acting was just fine I guess, but Adam Sandler's character was a real idiot and I didn't really give two beans what happened to him. This was a movie I was looking forward to for a long time because I'm involved in comedy and so I figured it would hit close to home. But it didn't really. There wasn't enough of that. It was pretty much an Apatow wank job, complete with extended home movies of his daughter and wife.

Jason Schwartzman, Jonah Hill and Aziz Ansari and Eric Bana get my thumbs up, but the rest was very "whatevs :((((".

You might like it though. It's definitely not "dog shit". Just not very good.

Let's get outta here.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO ANYONE NAMED FRARL

Last summer I ran a couple times a week in order to ensure my golden tanned skinned had some nice muscles underneath to compliment it. I haven't done that this year so I'm not as fit as I once was. This past long weekend I hauled ass so bad, so I'm a very fatigued twenty something. Because I accomplished so much, I don't want to bore you with the minute details. Instead I'll seduce you with the bare minimum -

I helped my friends move on Saturday morning and then rode my bike around all day before going to Comedy Bar for a superb benefit show.

Sunday I played tennis, rode around some more, ate fish and chips, and drank some beers outside, with some friends and some people I didn't know.

Monday I saw Funny People then went to Mississauga and ate thick hamburgers.

Here's a special treat that I made last night, based on an old joke that Brendan reminded me off the other day. Making dreams a reality is a past time of mine. <------- that's a quote from Tommy Lasorda's autobiography, "Tommy Lasorda - Baseball's Rodney Dangerfield".

THIS IS THE FIRST THING YOU SEE TODAY

You'll notice that this post is late compared to the usual. That's because I slept in you doo dad.

It's a holiday here in the panty capital of the world, and I'm in a floppy mood. I think that means I feel lazy. This afternoon I'm going to go see Funny People then it's off to a family fun barbeque. I got a lot of sun this weekend and rode my bike more than you did times a million.

In honour of the holiday here's a special video treat to share with you and yours this Civic holiday. My latest directorial effort:



Everything in that video is real 100%. Have a good day!