MORNING REPORT

Good morning....put on your slippers...mmmmm..soft comfort... smell that?....wife's makin' coffee...pour some cereal....Crispix....last few squares in the box...mmmm....love that soft crunch

That's the voice in your head when you wake up if you're a married man who loves Crispix and his dirty old slippers. Let's read the paper:

Weather

Today's weather will probably be shitty and you'll complain about it at least once.

Sports

In sports the Leafs lost last night if you care. If you don't care then nothing happened because you don't care.

Local News

TTC, Liberals, latest murder, economy, tainted meat, maybe Afghanistan, Leafs

World News

In world news, still no signs of an alien visitation. Everything else is pretty much the same as yesterday as far as this reporter can tell. Maybe someone died, but no one that big because no one's mentioned it to me in person today.

Horroscope

Every sign - You're fairly satisfied with life but generally want more. You want more money and you wish it was warmer.

Personals

Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Man seeks woman for relationship or just fooling around
Crazy woman seeks hunk

Classifieds

Nothing you want probably. Some apartments at Bathurst and Lawrence. Free kitties.

You're caught up! This has been Morning Report. Stay tuned later today when I wrap up my 19 part interview with Canadian celebrity Jason Priestly. In the final installment we talk about his trip to Rome and why the Coliseum was kind of a let down, although he's glad he went nonetheless.