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November 5, 2008

AMERICA YOU'RE BACK AND YOU PUT ON SOME COOOOOL SHADES

America has been a pretty silly place since Bill Clinton had sexual relations with Tom Green's wife back in the nineties. That's my entire adult life. Now, they're back. It's literally a new era and all jokes aside, it's an exiting time and even me, an emotionless robot, felt pretty good about humans, specifically American humans last night. Back to silly jokes.

When the dust clears and the confetti and corn chips are cleaned up by both black and white cleaner people and everyone stops hugging each other, what exactly will the world be like under Barack Obama? Will there be rainbows every day? Will it rain money? Will there be money rainbows? Where will the racists go and what will they do? I kinda wish I was American and I worked with a racist and I could see the look on their face today. I can't imagine how mad racists must be today. This is like the end of the world for them. I wonder if they'll come to Canada like Iraq War resisters. I hope that doesn't happen. If an American racist is reading this, I just want to let you know that we don't like you and we've been cool for awhile now, so don't bother. Anyway, I've done the research, worked out the economic algorithms and come up with some predictions as to what the world will look like after this historic occasion.


Impact on culture


Culture is highly influenced by politics, so you can bet that American pop culture will no doubt change thanks to Obama. Michael Moore, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Eminem, Oliver Stone, Neil Young, Elizabeth Hasslebeck and the Dixie Chicks will no doubt retire by the end of the week, while Michael Jackson, Steven Spielberg, hip hop music, hippies and gay people will enjoy a career resurgence. Why Michael Jackson and Steven Spielberg? Why not? Some songs of the past will lose meaning, such as Eazy E's classic, "Niggaz My Height Don't Fight":


Fuck the White House
It ain't my house
Cuz you can burn the mutha fucka down for all I care
Cuz t-shirts and khakis is all I wear

It is your house now Eazy! The dream is alive.

9/11 made comic book movies popular because they provided a fantastical escape to the grim realities of the real, regular-person-filled Earth. So what will this positive event mean? Probably the opposite. So we're going to see films about real people facing real challenges in regular New York instead of Spiderman New York. Hmmmmm. Maybe we'll see movies where African-Americans take more strides, like Ice Cube will be in a movie where he plays the first black astronaut. There might've already been one. A black astronaut that is. Not an Ice Cube movie about a black astronaut. Was Ice-T in Leprechaun in Space? If so, close enough.

Canadian Impact

What about Canada? For the last eight years we've been the envy of progressive, forward-thinking Americans. Canada is usually seen as America's younger brother who wants to copy everything its older brother does. For awhile, Canada was the older brother, a guy who listened to indie rock from Montreal, smoked weed and married his boyfriend. Now we're all like "ahhhh man" and we're back to being the little brother, especially considering we have a conservative government led by that guy who looks like he can turn into a snake, Stephen Harper. I predict we'll get jealous and the next Prime Minister will be either Master T or Dwight Drummond from CityTV.

African-American Community Impact

Obviously the African-American community is smiling all over right now and they're going to see some changes too. Expect Obama to dominate politics just as his fellow brothers have dominated every major sport over the last 30 years. Thanks to Obama, this proud race will no doubt begin to prosper in other areas that they've never dominated before such as dentistry, horse racing, fortune telling, hockey, polka, and I don't know maybe darts or something. In any case, Oprah is not the most famous black person in America anymore, and I for one am pleased with that, because she's been number one for awhile now and all she does is sit on a couch and talk to people who think they're the most important people in the world, but all they do is act or invent candy or write books that aren't real.

Tom Cruise goes crazy

Speaking of Oprah, last night I re-watched the episode where Tom Cruise goes crazy. It's totally worth watching again. I forgot just how crazy he got. Even the crowd looks nutso for encouraging it. It makes you want to barf and laugh at the same time. Then again, if Scientology can make you so happy that all you want to do is jump around speechless, then maybe we should all sign up. What say you? Let's go bOnKers!!! Also, that new movie of his? HAAHAHAHA. He plays a German guy but makes no effort to put on an accent a la Kevin Costner in Robin Hood. Some actor he is. That movie will tank more than Iron Maiden's Bruce Dickinson who loves tanks and owns some and rides them all day. He "tanks". Get it?

Quick Fire Round

Osama Bin Laden will call up and say "Yo don't kill me, I was just made at George Bush. Sick name by the way."
"I'm still coming after you. "
"Fair ball, fair ball."

Every black hip hop artist will have a line in their next album that's like "It's been fucked up since Osama's attack, but now a real brother leadin' named Obama, Barack."

The next president will be Chinese.

There will be a new generation of celebrities who speak out against Obama instead of Bush. They'll also speak out against good times, peace, good old fashioned rock n roll, parties, and maybe video games. Video games are big these days. You don't even know man. Big sales across the board.

2 comments:

highwaisted said...

oh man that post killed it.

reminded me of dead prez

"Because the white house is the rock house
Uncle sam the pusha man"

Duke of Spook said...

sick rhymes

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