ODDS ARE THE BEST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU TODAY IS THAT YOU FIND A SMALL AMOUNT OF MONEY.

I was fairly aggressive yesterday, so I'm going to try to keep things light today. I was angry because it wasn't Friday. I got happier once I realized that I can do all my Christmas shopping online. Let's have a lot of fun today, share some laughs and play some really good games.

But first allow me to point out that known stupid Ashley Simpson and her puffy faced cream pie husband Pete Wentz named their son "Bronx Mowgli". So everything I said yesterday is true. "Bronx" is one of Disney's Gargoyles and "Mowgli" screams Pete Wentz louder than checkered scarves and eyeliner. Let me also take this opportunity to shout out my man Mark Wahlberg who sticks to normal names like Brendan, Ella and Michael. He also said he didn't want his daughter growing up in Hollywood with role models like Britney and Lindsay hanging around. I'd be 100% behind this guy if it wasn't for the fact that he makes generally bad movies and that he was once a horrible role model who got young girls thinking about penises way earlier than they should have. That's your celebrity wrap up for today, Friday June 6th, 1999. I'm your host Mark Paul Gosselar and I just want to be taken seriously as an actor. I'm still handsome if you step back and take an objective view of me. Strip away that Zack Morris bull crap. You see? My natural hair colour is chestnut!

I wore some boots yesterday and got some blisters, which are terrible little guys. The first time I got blisters I went "YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEOOOWW" and the first time I got the wind knocked out of me I thought I was dying. The only other time I thought I was dying was when I ate some roast beef too fast. You know how scientists always compare under water to an alien planet? That's wicked. Think about that for a few seconds. Maybe when you die that's where you go. You turn into a dolphin. That would explain a whole lot. It would explain where you go when you die and it would explain why dolphins are so much damn fun and have sex for pleasure and not necessarily to make bay-bays. When you think about it, dolphins are heavenly creatures - they surf, they play, they frolic, they sing, they do it all the time, they do flips.

I really do wish a big scientific discovery was around the corner. Being around the Scientific Revolution would have been the best. Everyday these guys were blowing your mind and unlike before when magicians would tell you what's what, these guys could actually explain it. It's too bad that most people thought they were warlocks or Bible eaters. If only we could bring them back to life for a few days and show them how much we appreciate them:

"COPERNICUS, YOU'RE THE BEST, COPERNICUS, NOT LIKE THE REST"

"KEPLER, KEPLER HE'S OUR MAN, IF HE CAN'T DO IT NEWTON CAN"

"NEWTON NEWTON SAT ON A WALL, NEWTON NEWTON GRAVITY DOLL"

"GALILEO SAVE THE DAY-O, GALILEO TRY OUR FUTURE MAYO"

Those would be the chants at the parade the world throws for them. We'd give them a future party the likes of which has never been seen. We'd feed them coke and burgers, take them for rides on jet boats and Ferraris, treat them to an IMAX film, fly around for awhile, go to a hip hop show, watch Planet Earth and just let them fiddle around on the Internet for awhile. It'd be funny if they weren't all that impressed and thought we'd be further along. Or if they thought we were all really obnoxious and rude. Or if they were all real horn dogs and couldn't stop asking when they'd be given their women. "I am enjoying this submarine sandwich you've prepared, but I have to ask again - when do we get our whores?"

I think if I had unlimited money, one of the things I'd do is buy a super boat and just live on it for like 15 years and go around the world. Everything that's good on Earth is near water so you'd be able to see all the best. I'd hire a personal chef and a scuba expert as well as a doctor and maybe a scientist, so when we're in the middle of the ocean we don't waste time and can do experiments because I'll have the most sophisticated equipment available. I'd also do so much fishing that I become one of the best in the world. It'll get to a point where I don't even use a rod, I just stick my arm in and use my instincts, then when I finally stop the voyage after 15 years I find it hard to re-incorporate myself into society. THAT'S THE DREAM SON.

That's it for this week you little grizzly bears. On Saturday if you're bored I'd recommend going back to one of my previous posts, printing it out and standing on the street reciting it in the spirit of the season. On Sunday do the same thing, except instead of going out, go see your family and read it because the season is about family. Light a nice big fire and roast some seasonal vegetables. MMmmmmm smell that celery. Take it out and smother it in honey... mmmmm.....the turnips are done.... ohhh yah