IF MONEY GREW ON TREES THEN COINS WOULD JUST TAKE OVER, NO BIG DEAL

Last week I watched a Joy Division documentary and it made me think long and hard about the classics. I made a decision that from now on, when it comes to music and books, I'm sticking to the classics. How can I go wrong? The risk factor is very very low, classics are easily accessible and no one can argue with the them. I'm not including films in this category because I don't really like old movies. With classic books and music you can use your imagination or something right? For example, I'm reading the Grapes of Wrath right now, and if I want I can picture them being in a dystopic future instead of the 1930's. The special effects are in my brain. Maybe I'll picture at as taking place in the "Firefly" universe. Makes sense right? That show combined cowboys and spaceships so why not Grapes of Wrath? Tom Joad is basically Captain Malcolm Reynolds and that preacher is Shepherd Book. That's as far as I've got in the book so I can't do any other comparisons. For those of you who haven't seen Firefly I'll be quiet now. I'm sorry you felt left out. I can't please everyone here. If that were the case I'd have to talk about international standards like cold, clean drinking water and a solid roof over my head. I'd complain about broad based issues like the world economy and rising gas prices. I don't do that stuff. Picture this blog as the newspaper of the city that's in my head: The latest issues, the hottest gossip and the best commentaries on the dumbest things, all coming right up after we talk more about gravy. There's no commercials here because they stink. Nothing stinks because stink is negative. Nothing is bad here so there's no stink, no must, no hassles. Put your feet up anywhere because that's what everyone should do. There are pillows in the shower. There's a fridge in the TV. Cold? The Kleenex box contains mittens and there's always a hot pot of soup on.

Back to the classics - It doesn't mean that I'm going to give up on new books and new music, but I'm going to be more cautious probably. I definitely don't want to turn into one of those guys who's stuck in one particular time period and refuses to get out. I agree that music isn't as good as it used to be, but that doesn't mean I'm going to grow my hair, buy a Zeppelin shirt and walk around brandishing a frown all day. Heard that new Britney Spears single? Heavens to Gregory that's a catchy song! And that video? She's naked in it! And when she's not naked she's humping a dude. It's kind of funny because they could've given that song to anyone, but Spears is the biggest so everyone gives their best songs to her. She really had nothing to do with it, except get naked to its smooooove rhythms and sing some bars that get robotically enhanced and looped a million times to make a song. Actually, all she has to do is hum for a few seconds and they can mold it into lyrics with some big computers. Anyway, welcome back Britney.

I ended up at a gentleman's club on Saturday night. I haven't been to one in awhile. Despite all the live naked books and bare cheeks around, I don't really like these places because they trick you into giving them money. I don't fall for that. Once this stripper was trying to get me to pay for a lap dance or something and I asked if she knew Star Wars and she said it was her favourite and then I quizzed her on it and she failed. HA. She was trying to trick me. It's just not a very positive place is all. The women are trying to make a living in a sort of crummy way, and the men are so lonely and horny that they're willing to pay for it. Someone should open a silly strip club where things aren't as serious. Its clientele will be guys like me who go because live boobs make us giggle and everyone will dance to Weird Al songs. It'll be a lighter atmosphere you know? There will be free candy all over and screens playing comedy classics like Caddyshack. Lighter atmosphere. Better quality. Better pizza. Papa John's.

Last night I had a dream that my family went on a Russian adventure but didn't invite me and I was soooooooooooooooooooo mad. A similar thing happened in real life when I was visiting my friend in Ohio and my family went to Medieval Times without me. I was so pissed. I still haven't been. Frig mom, frig. I think I was just jealous that everyone got a whole chicken to themselves. Last night I ate so much damn Swiss Chalet. Those soggy fries are like chalet sauce sponges. Oh baby.