November 11, 2008


Despite my cocky exterior, I'm a fairly self-conscious human. I strive to exude confident modesty with a smile on my face at all times. I don't want people thinking I'm a dick face. Sometimes when I trim my fingernails I'll miss one by accident, and yesterday I noticed that I missed my right pinky, so I automatically assume that if people see this they'll think I like cocaine. Nothing could be further from the truth as cocaine is as foreign to me as food from Guyana. Or like, Wales. A similar thing happened in grade 10 when I had this cool Zig Zag rolling papers t-shirt that I wore because I liked the design, and not the culture. I wore it to my friend's birthday party and when I saw his parents I looked down and was scared that they'd think I'm a bad dude, which of course I wasn't. I must have worn it to make the girls think I was a bad boy. That's tough business, trying to act tough around girls but at the same time looking kind around parents. Did I pull it off? YEAH. I'm in with the ladies and I have a good relationship with my friend's parents.

That's the happiest story you'll hear all day unless you attend a Remembrance Day assembly and a veteran gives you hope and peace. Or maybe it'll be sad. Where are all the poppies at today? I saw like seven total. I was buying bananas on Queen St. and I only saw approximately three. It's probably because no one knows how to pin them on properly. My man Steenberg suggested they move to a magnet system. Magnets are somethin' else man. Think about it for a second.........force fields exist right? Let's go deeper into the mystery and wonder of science:

First off, think about the sun and the moon for a second. We take those beauties for granted. Check them out man! You know what's crazy? Whisk yourself back in time before science but after we were ape men, so like Mesopotamia I guess. What did those guys think the sun and moon were? They must have thought it was total magic. I guess they probably thought it was God's eyes or you know, like, uh Zeus' reproductive organs. No matter what you thought it didn't matter because you could say the craziest thing about the sun or moon and no one could tell you that you were wrong because every idea was fair game. Just check this out man.

Those names are totally rude. I like Phobos and Oberon. The one called 'Puck' is really stupid. You have a chance to name a moon or a planet and you call it 'Puck'? Why not fulfil our fantasies and call it "Gravitron" or "Omnitechcron" or anything that ends in "cron". Scientists shouldn't be funny or cute when naming these things. All they should be thinking is, "What would Issac Asimov call it?" or even George Lucas for that matter.

Today we've learned that humans should think moon more often. I think it's kind of crazy how men haven't mooned since the seventies, because you always hear things like "Today's personal computers are more powerful than all the Apollo missions combined" right? So why aren't we flying to the moon all the damn time?? Probably $$$$$$$$, but seriously, wouldn't it be totally easy now? Look how much has changed. WE'VE MADE ROBOTS MAN. The fact that there's nothing really all that good on the moon is also an issue I'm sure. The only reason they went in the first place was for the U.S. to show the Soviets how big their science dicks were. Ain't no water or corn on the moon, so why bother? I hope you can see that awesome picture up there. It's probably too big.

Tonight when you're knitting or putting the finishing touches on this week's pudding, imagine the moon as our idiot ancestors did and you'll stop taking it for granted. I did and I'm a happier person. But you don't have to do what I tell you. You can do whatever you want to do. Dream big, wish hard, smile all the time. For CBC Newsworld, I'm a boring guy that old people watch.

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