November 20, 2008


Have you been on the Internet lately? You know what I don't get? People who take pictures of themselves naked or in underpants and people who make sex videos. I guess it's not really the fact that they make them in the first place, but rather the fact that they're stupid enough to make them public. Well, maybe it is that they make them in the first place. What are they planning on doing with them? Showing their friends? Am I missing something here? Do I sound like an old man? I feel like this blog is turning into a chronicle of me getting older and not understanding things. Humbug guy. I guess there's a chain of stupdity involved in this whole debate. Allow me to explain:

Step 1: The inherent stupidity of filming yourself doing it in the first place. What happens if you send your man some pictures and then you go kissing another dude? It would be the easiest revenge ever: "Oh you cheated on me? Hold on two seconds..."
"What are you doing Derrick?"
"I just emailed those nude pics of you to everyone I know. Your dad too. I put the subject as 'cool football stuff' so he'll see them for sure."
"Well played."

Step 2: If you're the type of person who films themselves having sex, you're also probably the type of person who doesn't know how to use a computer properly and has TONS of Spyware and malware and worms and black holes and mainframe security breaches because you just HAD TO download that puppy screensaver. Then some guy has access to all your stuff and when he finds you nude his mission is complete. Maybe people are even dumber than this and post pics on Flickr etc., not thinking that people can see them. Get it?

I just saw a tour bus go by and it said "Clique Girlz". According to Wikipedia "The Clique Girlz are an American girl group from Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey, comprised of sisters Paris and Destinee Monroe and their best friend Ariel Moore." I'll bet they have some nudes floating around somewhere on the Internet. Nice names. If your name is Paris or Destinee you're automatically an idiot in my mind. I will not give you the benefit of the doubt. I hate it when people name their kids something like "Dream, Destiny, Wish, Rainbow, Gift, Angel etc." ALL BABIES ARE GREAT AND PRECIOUS. 'Precious', that's another one. Remember that little girl on Leave it to Beaver named Puddin'? That was allllllllright. Your baby is special by default. No one doubts this. It's like naming your dog "Family Pet" or "Bark Master" or "Man's Best Friend". No duh. And come on man. You might as well name your kid "Boobs" if you're going to name her Paris. That name autmatically brings up images of dirty sluts and drunk idiots doing cocaine in bathrooms with their tits hanging out and their hands grasping on wieners all night. Why not try a different city, like 'Tulsa' or 'Sarasota'?

Okay, so my exposé on homemade porno wasn't the most succinct thing ever, and I got a bit side tracked thanks to the Clique Girls, but you get it right? Esentially I'm saying that those who allow their nudes to get on the Internet have to be stupid in several ways, so at the end of the day, those who are nude on the web by accident are the stuidest of them all. It actually makes porn stars look smart - at least they get paid.

You ever have those times in life when you realize something about yourself that you never realized before? I remember once in grade 9 or 10 or something my friends and I were filming ourselves doing tricks on a trampoline and when we watched it I noticed that I was an awkward beanpole. I was good at sports and everything and I could do flips, but I just looked funny doing them. From then on I had a different view of myself, which actually helped when I started doing comedy because I could exploit my awkwardness. A similar thing happened recently when I looked at my feet in the mirror. My feet are no good. It's because I had in-grown toenails a while back so now the my big toe nails are all curvy. BUT since I wear socks ALL the time I am callous free! My feet are as soft as a baby's cheeks. If I could somehow solve this nail issue and maybe shave some of the hair off, I could be the best nude foot model this side of the Atlantic! I'll need a stage name....'Doug Windsor', regal, yet rustic. You like?

More complaining:

I'm getting pretty sick of the families on TLC. Jon and Kate have gone Hollywood and now their kids are way spoiled. The Roloffs are jerks and complain about money although they star in a national TV show, own a giant farm and were apparently very wealthy BEFORE the show because that dickhead dad of theirs made millions on software deals.

I got a lot off my chest today. Thank you for listening. If you disagree with any of the above then please contact my manager, Gorb Trunt. He'll be at the Eaton Centre from 5-7 this evening. I'm also sorry if you know anyone who has a name that I berated today. Again, talk to Gorb if you have any issues. He'll probably be in the food court eating a Teen Burger from A&W. I don't like those burgers. Too much mustard.


highwaisted said...

no not jon and kate! dont go there!

Duke of Spook said...

The Hawaii wedding episode was a tough pill to swallow man

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