November 27, 2008


What's with Gossip Girl? How does she know so much? I bet all these nerdy girls in high schools across the United States have tried to start a Gossip Girl style blog only to have no one read it.

"It's too tough. I can't be at like 500 places at once."

Here's what it might be like:

I think B might have kissed J, but I don't know for sure because my source isn't very reliable. I guess everyone heard already that N's dad left her mom. Nicky that is. Yeah you already know that. I don't have anything new really. The lasagna in the cafeteria was sooooo good today!

See? That's it. So dumb. That's reality. Do girls watch that show for the hot romance, the hunks or the fashions? I'll stick to Top Chef thank you very much. That show has everthing: Food and suspense. Give me those two elements and I'm a happy child. A big, beautiful happy child, full of life and ready to discover the world with mirth and enthusiasm. Open those big new eyes beautiful boy! The sun wants to bathe you in his/her nuclear laser rays. Don't go too close! When humans start to dominate space like we totally dominate Earth then that stuff I wrote up there will be true. When parents go out for dinner to the protein bar, they'll just throw their babies in space and let them float around for awhile. There will be tracking devices of course, so retrieval will be no problem at all. But like I was saying, beware the sun and be wary of space ghosts a la that shitty episode of the X-Files. I'm now going to share some wisdom:

Humans got smart and started to explain the universe through science, not religion

Then science birthed industry out of its brilliant womb and humans make big steps

Humans then dirtied up the planet because of technology

Now we have to get smart again and choose whether to keep being dirty and go to space for better living or fix things here

Obviously we're going with Option B, which means that there's a revolution going on right now. The world is connected because of the biggest thing going (the Internet) and everyone wants to improve things. But I think we should consider space some more. I know what you're saying to your friend right now:

"Would this guy shut up about space already?"

No. Remember when I said that winter is like Canada's default season, all natural? When you think about it, space is like default existence. That's the big picture man. Planets are really just turds hanging around. We should get on that train ASAP. What if we go and find a planet that's California all over? I like Earth just fine, but it seems like a waste of time if there's a better planet out there filled with big fruits and delicious creatures that taste like BBQ sauce to begin with.

Let's switch gears. I don't like how so many people have issues with public bathrooms. Some are bad. I'm not crazy here. I hate bathrooms caked in shit and shining with pee pee as much as the next guy, but a solid clean public bathroom can be a sanctuary, especially the ones at work. It's the place where no one can bother you no matter how long you're in there for - it's none of their business and if they so want to know what you're up to then they're crazy anyway, even if you are just sitting there playing Nintendo DS. I guess most people have a problem with the number of potentially dirty cheeks that have graced the surface. Whatever to that. If you can shake hands with a stranger, you can sit on the same bowl as them. It's not like butts are any dirtier than any other body part, I mean heck, my back if probably dirtier than my wiggler (butt). And women, who are generally more squeamish, don't even have to worry that someone has whizzed on the seat. So to you I say this: Once you trust the public washroom it can be a very relaxing and safe place. Just open your mind, and your butt will follow. I seriously don't get why people leave the can such a mess, you know? Like at bars? Why don't people just flush? Why do they use so much TP?

As they say in the circus biz, "Time to pack everything up and head to the next town. Davey, you're on coffee tonight." I bid you adieu and I hope and pray that you get the iPhone you wanted for Christmas. I talked it over with your parents and things are looking REAL good.


Anonymous said...

I'd like to point your readers toward a factual inaccuracy in today's blog: women in fact do have to worry about toilet seats (especially in public places) because of squatters who are afraid to touch the seat and end up splattering everywhere YOU IDIOT.

Love, Gravy

Duke of Spook said...

Squatters are a big problem then huh? What are they so scared of?

egs said...

dude. the can at work is not without its perils. surely you remember the time i "found" the ripped out hustler centerfold (sic!) clipped to the dp dispenser?

egs said...

i meant tp dispenser. i don't know what a dp dispenser is.

Duke of Spook said...

I avoided that stall for awhile after that episode.

Livers said...

Germs, man. They're a squatter's worst enemy. And then once a squatter has splashed on the seat, everyone who follows becomes a squatter as well to avoid the splatter. It's a vicious cycle.

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