GO NUTS FOR DOE NUTS

Apologies for not blowing your nose off with witticisms yesterday, but it was a hectic day for this old dog. Work was busy ramone and then I went to do a show at the now officially open "Comedy Bar". You guys should check out shows there. The Prime Minister calls it "The next big thing". 'Prime Minister' sounds way better than 'President'. Don't forget that next time an American presidential race is at the same time as a boring Canadian Prime Minister contest.

This week I decided to eat healthy because of the meat and candy intake of last weekend. Fruits were sliced, vegetables chopped, milk squeezed and the verdict is in: Eating healthy is great but junk food tastes better. So all you have to do is balance the two. Wrap gummi worms around a banana, wrap bacon around cauliflower, crush vitamins into your Fun Dip, garnish whole wheat pasta with Nerds. Just kidding, I'm not that crazy. Did everyone get the Ready or Not reference off the top? If not, don't worry, that show wasn't very good. I sort of remember my mom trying to get me watch it, which in retrospect was probably because she wanted it to explain puberty to me so she wouldn't have to. Once when I was pre-pubic we were in the car and she asked if I needed to know anything about sex to which I famously replied "If dad can do it I can". I was very, very intelligent.

With Christmas around the corner, I thought it might be useful to provide you with....

GIFT IDEAS THAT YOU'LL BE LIKE "OH YEAH, I COULD USE THAT"

1. Steak
One year my dad gave me a box of steaks. This is great because steak is expensive and you don't buy it that often right? You do? Who are you? I see. Very well then. What?

2. Lego
Don't you ever forget about Lego. I treated myself to a Star Wars Lego AT-ST when I was in Florida last year and I enjoyed every second putting that baby together. The only bad part is when you move you have to take your Lego in a special trip so it doesn't all fall apart. For my special trip, my brother held it in the car. No big deal right? It'll give you something to do and it's one of those things where if someone comes over they're like "Ohhhhh! You have Lego!", and in your mind it's like "Yeah big deal, whatever". I hate it when people get overly excited about things and stuff. That's a tale for another day though. There's no tale actually, that's pretty much it.

3. Magazine Subscription
This is honestly the hidden gem in the.... gift-giving box of... precious stones...
If you give someone a subscription and they don't like it, then there's something seriously wrong with them. I'm batting 1.000 on magazine subscriptions. Everyone likes getting one. Unless you totally mess up and get them a magazine they don't like. But then what were you doing buying them a present in the first place? Are you playing a trick? Are you bribing them? Are you trying to get in their pants and you thought a present would be a good idea but you don't know them quite well enough to pick a magazine for them?! ANSWER ME!!!!

4. Something they like X 10
This is sort of like the steak idea, but expanded. I never plan these entries out so there's bound to be some repeats once and awhile right? Let's say your friend really likes Twix Bars. Buy them a box of Twix bars. Let's say they really like Sour Kids. Get them a box of Sour Kids. This only works for candy really. Get them a lot of candy. This is dumb. I shouldn't be wasting time promoting consumerism. I should be promoting science. Here is one of my recent time travel theories:

We can pretty much tell that time travel is not, and will never be, possible. But why?

Let us first safely assume that if time travel became possible and accessible that it would fall into the wrong hands at least once a la Timecop.

That being true, at some point in history a time bandit would've made his mark. History would've recorded this and we'd automatically know about it. So since history has no record of time bandits, time travel is never going to work.

There is the possibility that time bandits are just really good at what they do and they've managed to blend in. Maybe Bin Laden is a time bandit and he's hiding not in a cave in 2008, but a cave in 3067 or 1245 where he sits around with all the best stuff from every generation and no one really knows because it's a cave.

Did I blow your mind? I think I'm right about this. I love thinking that time travel is real and that people go back in time a lot and are changing the future constantly. So like just a second ago, maybe all humans walked around nude, but some guy from the future just changed it, but to us nothing happened because it's always been that way. WOWOWOWOWOOWO

Today we learned about Lego, time travel and magazines amongst other things. Today when you're on the street pick someone who has cool clothes and then try to find the exact outfit but cheaper! It's your own Slice Network show. HOMEWORK.