March 19, 2009


I walk next to the Air Canada Centre to and fro work and when I leave in the evening I usually have to endure some sort of crowd who is there to take in some sort of event. Based on the demographic of people outside the arena last night I correctly guessed that a female pop star was in town. BRITNEY. Britney Spears. I saw one young girl, maybe 14 or something and she was wearing a really tight skirt that went up to her private parts and she was with her family. Speaking of vaginas and Britney, I saw some pictures the other day of her holding her kid while wearing a bikini and her vagina was showing. I'd like it if she just accepted her role as bad mother and crazy idiot and started feeding her kids beer in public and shrugging a lot and maybe doing something like writing a really dumb parenting book that was mostly just pictures of her singing. But I guess that's bad for those kids of hers. Realistically those kids are going to grow up to be a couple of shit heads probably. Here's the math:

First the formula:
DNA + Upbringing + Money/spoildness = How someone will turn out

Then plug in your numbers:
Keven Federline/Britney Spears + Insane upbringing in the public eye with a psycho and an idiot as parents + as much money as they want = A coupla shit heads

So Britney, go ahead and start feeding them beer now because they're bound to endure at least one bout with alcholism down the road. Just get it over with!


Dear Mr. Noth,

My friend Bill says he knows your sister Kelly. Do you know Bill? I'm coming to L.A. in October and maybe I can stay with you. I love your work and I'm very excited to meet you.

Your fan,

Krum Troth

From The Desk of Chris W. Noth, actor

Dearest Krum,

I know not this 'Bill' you speak of, nor do I have a sister named 'Kelly'. That being said, I'd love to you have you stay at my compound this fall. You sound very engaging and if you are a woman, I'd be honoured to make love to you when the moon is high and the armadillos are asleep in their iron pens. Bring only what you need to survive as well as some treats for my servants. To find the compound follow Lardman's Path northeast into the Forest of Grimtron. Hold the amulet to the sky and follow the ruby beam. My house is the third one you'll pass. I look forward to our rendezvous.


Law and Order's Chris Noth

Dear Mr. Noth,

I'm a guy. I go to Ohio State University. This all sounds pretty cool, but I don't have an amulet. I don't know what you're talking about.



Hello boy,

You aren't the warrior I thought you were! If your heart is true and your soul thick, then you will travel to the east and find the Dark Blacksmith in Volcano Valley where he forges only the most beautiful but evil amulets in the Bogfrot Kingdom. Do that and you can stay. It's really nice in L.A. right now! See you soon!

- Chris

I found those letters in an old cigar box in my grandparent's attic along with some gold coins and a cool map that turned out to be fake. This has been FAN MAIL.

Enjoy your sunny day Earth. In space every day is sunny but freezing. I suppose. Sort of not. Depends how close you are to a star. Science in your face. Stay extra safe today.

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