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March 12, 2009

FRUIT PUREES AND HORSE BARNS EQUAL.... NOTHING. THEY DON'T EQUAL ANYTHING

Since it's snowing today, I thought I'd share a special holiday memory with all of you. Get into the Christmas spirit - boil some egg nog, braise some reindeer, decorate your car and think about Santa and his signature beard........ got it? Got the spirit?

One year during high school me and some friends got the idea to drive around and take people's Christmas decorations off their lawn for some reason. I forget why. We made sure to only take them from wealthy people because wealthy people don't care about anything but money, big cigars, lobsters, the stock market and imported cars, as opposed to less wealthy people who genuinely care about their plastic Santas etc. We got quite a haul of stupid stuff and then stored it all in my garage.

Needless to say, my mom wasn't too happy about our little project. Again, I don't remember what we were planning on doing with all the stuff, but whatever it was my mom ordered me to return everything. Fair ball. Being the opportunists that we were back then, a new plan arose, which was to return the stuff but in a humorous fashion. We couldn't very well just knock on someone's door and say, "sorry, we took this floppy reindeer, you can have it back." That would be embarrassing. So instead we wrote a bunch of notes from the items themselves and quietly returned each item. One Santa said something like "I have been away at Winter camp because you weren't treating me fair..." and stuff like that. Each note was fairly lengthy. It is my hope that when the owners found their stuff returned with notes they were left scratching their heads and will tell the story of their lost treasures for years to come. Who would do such a thing? Why would someone do such a thing? Well now you know. Try it next Christmas in your neighbourhood!

Paradise Hotel Season 1 is back on the Slice Network. Please please watch it if you get a chance. I've said it a million times - the best reality show of all time. Everything everyone says on that show is quotable. It's a classic tale of good vs. evil. The only rule? Hook up or go home. It's better than LOST. Guaranteed.



Remember this fuckin' guy?


I remember the days when I'd go to McDonald's so regularly that I always knew what was on their menu. I knew when the McRib was around and what movie they were promoting and what toys were available. Now when I walk by and I see what they have to offer I'm left scratching my head. They have an angus burger? I didn't know that. Last time I ate McDonald's I felt shitty for two weeks. I thought it would cure a hangover but it only enhanced it by a million. The most I ever ate at McDonald's was a Big Mac combo with a McChicken and a Fillet O Fish on the side. I didn't barf and I didn't poo weird either. Nowadays I can't even eat bread without feeling shitty. I overstated there. But still, time is taking its toll on me. Maybe I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Whatever, nothing is going to stop me from enjoying my favourite foods!

Bing bong! Okay that's the end. This week is taking forever to end man. I have a big weekend ahead of me so next week there will be a lot to discuss. Important stuff. Not really. But who cares, I'm committed to writing something. Tip of the day: Buying stuff makes you happy for a bit but i doesn't last. For happiness that lasts, steal as much money as you'll need to live for the rest of your life and that'll keep you happy no matter what.

1 comment:

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