March 3, 2009


Yesterday's recap was a touch rushed and I felt it was a bit too pedestrian in its rhetoric. I'm going to try to spruce things up this time around and make things spicier and more exotic, just like a pork dish you'd get at a dog fight in a city like Manila in the middle of August. Sorry Philippines but you're on my hit list today along with rubber boots and big plants.

When I last left off I had just laid down for a drunken sleep following a trip to a bar.

DAY 3 - Functioning while feeling like a pile of burning tires covered in shit with piss steam coming off it

We all got up fairly late on Monday and none of us felt particularly healthy thanks to the liquor we consumed the night before. We went outside to find it colder than an ice cube eating a snowman but trudged on to Times Square regardless. We said "Ooo la la" and then decided to go to the famous Carnegie Deli to eat some food and maybe drink some drinks if we felt like it. I felt like it. I got a Coke. I also ordered the "Woody Allen" which looked like this:

I only ate a quarter of it. Does this make me a pussy? No, it makes me a reasonable man with a reasonable sized stomach. No one at our table finished so we wrapped it all up along with some pickles and stuck it in a plastic bag. We then made our way through the frozen tundra to Rockefeller Center for the NBC Studio tour. At this time we all felt horrible. While waiting for the tour to start, Andy was convinced that one of us had shit our pants because there was a strange smell in the air. Turned out it was just our bag of meat and pickles that we were carrying around, but I wouldn't have been surprised had one of us shit our pants because I almost did. Luckily I found a bathroom, but due to the nature of the excretion, I was worried it would strike again at any moment. Thanks to some Pepto Bismol I weathered the storm. When I was a kid I assumed that Pepto would taste like tomato soup. I also once drank soap because I thought it would taste like fruit punch.

We weren't allowed to take pictures of the tour, but it wasn't that good anyway. The highlight was that we got to go inside Studio 8H (Saturday Night Live) and the lowlight was this British lady who wouldn't shut up about how she lost an earring.

By the time we were done galavanting, we had some time to sit around before our friend Sarah was to take us to this trendy restaurant/bar up the street called "La Esquina". What made it so trendy was that you go into this tiny little diner/taqueria area and then you give your name to this bouncer at a door and if you're on the list they bring you downstairs, through a kitchen and into this bar/restaurant full of young, beautiful trendy types who are drinking and eating Mexican food. We finally got our table and ordered a bunch of delicious small plates, including this:

This is a cricket tostada that Stein, Andy and I tried. Good not great. There was something about those sharp little legs in your mouth. Not bad though. Better get used to eating bugs because when the aliens come and take over our grocery stores you're going to be scrounging for whatever you can find. Go out and east some worms tonight man, it'll do you some good. I don't need to because I already ate crickets.

DAY 4 - A meat feast and some other stuff too

We started off the day by heading downtown so Stein could see Ground Zero/Wall Street/The Statue of Libery, which Andy and I had already seen because we'd been to NYC. Before all that we made sure to stop and check out Ghostbuster's HQ:

That's me standing in front of it, living the dream. We didn't see any ghosts nor any ghostbusters, but this was close enough I guess. That van isn't very exciting. Ghost van?!

We also met up with our friend Pat who was in town selling a TV show and who would be performing with us on Friday at the show. I remember that I was freezing cold. We went to a bar that George Washington apparently drank in and while we were nursing beers we tried to figure out what we wanted to do next. Somehow we decided on going to the ESPN Zone in Times Square to play video games. We should've gone to the Museum of Natural History instead.

The ESPN Zone is a pile of garbage, just like a pair of shitty rubber boots. Seriously. Half the games don't even work and the other half are from 1996. The best game is bowling, but they even messed that up somehow by only having three balls for two lanes. That sounds like it could be hooker code words.

"Whadda got over there Cherry?"

"Three balls, two lanes, four hammers"

That means the hooker is going to have sex with three dudes in two beds and one of them has two dicks equalling four "hammers". That's dumb. Sorry. It could be true though. Just believe!

Frustrated, we went to Pat's hotel room to relax until our Brazilian meat feast. We watched a show called "For the Love of Ray J" which we instantly became fascinated with. It features some of the dumbest women I've ever seen. It also features a really dumb man - Ray J. He's the guy who banged Kim Karshashian and filmed it, you know?

It was finally time for the meat feast which I had been looking forward to big time. You pay $50 and get access to this awesome salad bar that had risotto and sushi and shrimp and stuff and then these waiters bring all the meats of the rainbow on these big spits and you can eat as much as you want AND they serve sides like mashed tates, fried tates, rice, and fried bananas. We had chicken, sausage, ribeye steak, sirloin steak, skirt steak, suckling pig, duck, flank steak, pork tenderloin, lamb, beef ribs and maybe more I can't remember it all. Next time I go I'm not eating anything off the salad bar so I can dedicate myself to the meat. It deserves that kind of respect.

Unfortunately, my weak stomach couldn't handle that much meat and that night I couldn't sleep very well thanks to the constant gurgling and pain in my shit pit. I didn't barf. I pooed though.

That's enough for today. I think I'll need two more days to recap fully. Is that okay with you? There was a lot of poo talk today, which is probably a divisive subject around here. Some of you giggle whilst some of you squirm. It's sort of like watching a show about surgery - it's all natural, but it's still not for everyone. I'd rather watch pooing than heart surgery any day of the week. Talking about poo must have been what I meant when I said I'd spice things up. POO IS THE SPICE OF LIFE. In tomorrow's recap I get into a fight with Woody Allen and I go to the Cosby Museum of Doctor Father Sitcoms in Brooklyn.

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