March 25, 2009


How come lotteries haven't embraced the Internet yet?? If I could buy lotto tickets online I'd probably buy them all the damn time, which isn't really a good thing for me unless I win, but it is a good thing for the lottery people and the Internet people. No sympathy for those guys though. They both provide services that the people of Earth by no means need to live. Maybe the lottery isn't on the Internet because they don't get along with each other. The Internet is like, "we may be a non-essential service, but we're getting there and we may be over priced, but at least people get something in return no matter what unlike you."

Then the lottery people respond by saying:

"We don't need you! And people get something out of the lottery no matter what - the exhilaration of playing and anticipating a win. Have you seen those Bingo commercials? Grab some tea, find a quiet nook and play away. It's about the experience. We're never doing business with you. People love filling out lotto slips at their local convenience mart and our market research proves it!"

"And how did you conduct this market research??" asks the Internet.

"Well, we started by emailing random citizens a web based sur..... Dammit!" responds the lottery.

"You will always be our slave."

Or maybe it's that the guy in charge of the lottery is really old and still uses typewriters and pneumatic tubes instead of email.

"Computers? Never use 'em. I've also never used a microwave, a blender, or an auto with an internal combustion engine."

"How old are you sir?"

"Two hundred."

"How do you survive?"

"I don't know, ask my manufacturer."

"You're a droid?"

"No I meant my mom, she's real old. Get out of my bunker!"

I guess if he were that old and refused to drive a car he would also refuse to use a typewriter and pneumatic tubes. Factual inconsistency. Too bad there's not a guy who drives around on horse and carriage and refuses to use technology but is really rich so people treat him with respect. In my perfect world there would be four of those guys called "The Gentleman" who each run a city and they throw a ticker tape parade every Sunday to make people realize that the Internet and TV is no big deal and that parades have all the entertainment value of every DVD combined. They'd be the most fabulous parades the world has ever seen:

- Enough stadium seating for everyone so no one has a bad seat
- wild animals doing tricks
- free food all over, old style (popcorn, peanuts, cracker jacks, hot nuts, candy apples, candy floss, fried pickles, you name it)
- several marching bands
- the best clowns in the world, but not Cirque de Soleil clowns, the good old fashioned kind who teeter on the edge of being really funny and really scary
- the best magicians who make all sorts of things disappear. In fact, that's all they do. And pull things out of hats and stuff
- Floats the size of skyscrapers

And at the end, the "Gentleman" that runs the city flies in on a bi-plane and throws money to everyone and then there's a free concert by a modern band because "The Gentlemen" relate to current music trends. World peace achieved.


  1. Apple Cinnamon - Tastes like grandma's doilies.
  2. Mint chocolate - If I'm going sweet, I'm going all the way. Mint just cools things down. It's a damn cop out. That being said, I do enjoy After Eights because I'm a mature adult.
  3. Vanilla - Nothing in life is as boring as vanilla ice cream.
  4. Black licorice - I guess most people don't like it, but I needed another one.
  5. Coconut - I like real coconut, but I hate that stuff in Bounty Bars. Dried coconut. I don't like dried coconut.
There you have it you hot dogs, a timeless post for the Age of Aquarius. Peace, love and Extreme sports.

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