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March 26, 2009

I'M AT WIT'S END WITH MY PALS AND A COUPLA ORANGE CRUSH POPPIES

There has to be something wrong with my hands. They're always cold. No matter what. I'm tempted to start wearing gloves indoors just like this weirdo named Gordon who I worked with as a teen. And I can't stop touching this beard. I'm a cold handed beard toucher. That's all I am. This is what it has come down to. A doctor would tell me to shave my beard and eat more soup probably.

Speaking of soup, I think one of my dream jobs would be a friendly soup man. Like I have this tiny, shitty restaurant like Ghandi on Queen, but I'd have the best soups that I make myself and I have all these regulars and I know their orders off by heart. I'd carry a really wide assortment of exotic beverages like Irn Bru and South American fruit juices and sodas like the one the Hulk makes in that Hulk movie last summer. If I can't assemble soup recipes I'd like to do the same thing but with sandwiches instead and all the bread would be made by my mom who makes bread like Hollywood couples make twins. My mom's main talents are bread and bagpipes. If you ever need a bagpiper you know where to find one. My dad started woodworking again. His other hobbies over the years have included stained glass, making pickles and collecting remote controlled tanks. If you have any questions regarding the above hobbies, you'll probably find all the information you need on the Internet, but if not then give me a call and you can request an audience with the patriarch of our clan.

I wish I had a 100% passion for being a soup and sandwich man because then I could concentrate all my money and time into it. I think I'm waiting for something to happen, rather than being proactive and making something happen for myself. It's probably because work sucks my soul out of my face, so when I get home all I want to do is eat and watch movies like a college girl. One of these days I'll get around to writing more scripts with hopes of selling one and then living on the beach the rest of my life. That's probably dream #1. That or win the lottery. Do you even know how happy I'd be if I won the lottery????

Realistically, I'd first scream and dance around like crazy. Second, I'd call my family and third I'd probably go treat myself to 5 steaks or something like that. I'd quit my job and book a vacation. That's the plan! Oh yeah, I'd also throw a party for all my friends with the biggest buffet you've ever seen featuring foods of the world.

I don't like this entry very much I don't think, but you might have liked it. You've learned a little more about me and my immediate family and you know know a bit more about my hopes and dreams. This was more of a information session for the die hard fans out there if such people exist. There's coffee and pastries in the corner and your name tag and session schedule can be found under your seat. Our host for the evening is Professor Gregor Chocolate of the University of Salt Lake City who will be guiding is through the ins and outs of What I Did and How I Am. A Q&A with myself will follow along with a free treat courtesy of Nestle Canada. The treat is Smarties. How have Smarties and regular M&M's remained popular for so long??? I predict extinction by 2025, which isn't that far away!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHH





That first thing should've read "STOP CLIMATE CHANGE OR YOU TURN INTO A FISH MAN. WAIT...THEN WE COULD BREATH UNDER WATER. SO SICK. PUT YOUR TRASH ALL OVER AND DRIVE MORE CARS"

2 comments:

cara said...

really hated that man/fish photo, but liked knowing about your parents and their hobbies.

Duke of Spook said...

you're going to be fish man pretty soon according to WWF

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