RELAXING EVENINGS DOWN BY THE CAR

We're going to start today's action with a small story from my real brother Scott:

"Oh yeah, so I was on the Subway this weekend, and saw this total slutty girl with her white corn-rowed boyfriend and, no lie, she had a lower back portrait tattoo of Ron Perlman as The Beast from the Beauty and the Beast TV show."

Ahahahahahaha. i remember being at home as a child and being bored, so I'd pop in an unlabeled VHS tape hoping for a movie and every so often I'd get an episode of Beauty and the Beast that my mom taped, and I'd say "OHHHHHHHHHHH".

Having that tattoo is strange enough, but if she's under the age of 35 it's especially bonkos.

Speaking of tattoos, I saw this guy on the street last weekend with wearing a Ron Francis Pittsburgh Penguins t-shirt, and on his arm he brandished the Ghostbusters logo. I thought to myself, "I don't know anything about this guy, but he's already half way toward being my friend". If you're out there mystery man, send me an email and we'll hang out with pizzas and video games, two things I'm sure you're into.

Here's a quick song about Fridays:

Friday Night and my pants are tight,
I bought 67 beers and my butt feels right

Sun goes down and so does my frown
I grab some Bits N Bites and my favourite crown

Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey

Run to a bar that's not too far
Oh. It's pretty far, I should've drove my car

I'm sweatin' big like a plumpy pig
When I see a fine lady that I really dig

Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey
Let's party oh yeah, lets do it hey hey

Friday! Oh no, Friday, is a day of the week
Friday! Oh yeah, Friday, and the special is leek...

...SOUP BABAY -

Put it to bed!
I got some new sheets that go well with my bed

END.

HIPPIES THAT LOVE SPORTS CARS

THING YOU TAKE FOR GRANTED THAT YOU SHOULDN'T

Nouveau Tags

Have any of you hamburgers ever noticed that tag technology has advanced? It seems that classic piece of itchy, sharp material has given way to the painted on tag, which is something you shouldn't ignore. Rejoice! Sing the praises of the Hanes' and Fruit of the Looms' of the world and curse those who haven't yet adapted. Or if you get a regular tag just cut it off, I don't care. But yeah, take a shirt with a nouveau tag back in time and give it to the friendly blacksmith or the evil sorcerer and they'll bless you a thousand times. The blacksmith will give you a sssssick sword and the sorcerer will conjure you a sexual delight or turn your brass buttons into dubloons or serpents depending on how bad of a dude he is.

BLOG NEWS

I realized that yesterday's post was kind of genre specific, so I apologize to any regular readers who don't like TV and who came here for a rollick but instead got a bunch of complaints about a family they know nothing about. Or maybe I don't have to apologize. I don't owe you anything. In fact, you owe ME. Take me out or just send some new threads (I need new shirts).

PERSONAL NEWS

I've settled into a pretty good little daily routine as of late, but I'm scared I'm going to get sick of it. I haven't performed comedy in a while, which feels kind of shitty, but I've supplemented this with regular post-work writing sessions, which feels magically delicious.

My stomach condition appears to be improving thanks to a well balanced diet of things that aren't grease. For awhile there I couldn't even drink beer without getting next day stomach gurgs and butt storms. This past weekend I indulged in some brew because of sunny weather and good comedy and I came out of it with smiles and thumbs up. Are things on the upswing? Have my fortunes changed? Find out this summer by checking out GI JOE - The Rise of Cobra.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL LIFE, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL WORLD, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL TREE

I apologize to those who never watch the show Jon and Kate Plus 8 because that's what today's post is all about. How about you check out this classic post instead, while the rest of us curl up in our jammies beside the fire with some health concious snacks and a wide selection of PC Blue Menu entrees while we talk about TV.


The season premiere was ELECTRIFYING. I'd been looking forward to it for a couple of weeks and it surpassed all expectations. I think it was something the public had never really seen before in reality TV, which was a reality TV family breaking the fourth wall and talking about how famous they've become and how much it "sucks". That being said, it was also very uncomfortable at times because they were sharing very private things that should probably stay private.

I spent most of the show trying to figure out how real it actually was. The last couple of weeks, the news media has been buzzing about rumours of how the show is all set up and how Jon and Kate have been separated for a long time and all that. I first noticed a difference in the show around the time those commercials with that dumb song about beautiful things came on and they moved into that MANSION. The new house feels like it's a compound specifically designed for the kids, like that studio world they built in "The Truman Show".

Instead of elaborating and writing a coherent, well thought out argument, here are some stray observations:

- Kate seemed totally disconnected from her kids and half the stuff she said sounded scripted. She didn't take ANY blame for anything and portrayed herself as a victim even though she lives in a mansion and wears expensive looking clothes everywhere she goes. She must have mentioned how "tired" and alone she felt like a million times. She hasn't clued in to the fact that no one feels bad for the rich and famous unless a real tragedy is involved and that hasn't really happened yet, so NO PITY.

- Jon was the only one on the show who seemed genuine and you can tell he's sick of the whole thing. It seemed to me the show was trying to make him look bad, like the scene where he's talking about how he just lets the boys fight and throw things at each other. He also looked like a single dad - driving a sports coupe, wearing shades and a dirty old fleece coat.


- I think they put Mady on ritalin this season.


- Hearing Kate complain about papparazi is silly because her kids have grown up with cameras in their face. The kids can't tell the difference and quite frankly, there isn't any. Same goes when they were at the party and Kate says something to the guests about the photographers. I'll bet they were probably more uncomfortable with the booms mics in their faces and the producers telling them where to stand.

- If this season premiere was an attempt to get the press to leave them alone, an ambiguous ending leaving the public wanting more was the wrong way to do it. So either they're lying fame whores or they're complete morons.

In the end, the kids are the victims and they were cuter than ever on the season premiere. It's seems pretty much a guarantee that one in eight will grow to abuse drugs or alcohol or something like that. I blame Kate. I still like the laid back attitude of Jon.

DUST BUSTERS AND OTHER HISTORICAL STINKIES

Yesterday I was in the bathroom to get some water to feed my plants, when I saw a huge wasp or bee in the sink. I don't hate bees that much, but I'd rather they left me alone, so when I saw one of the hive's most brawny soldiers buzzing all up in my wash basin, I drew the line.

They can sting and buzz and fly and pollinate and have fun all over the outdoors for all I care, but houses and plumbing are human inventions and thus human domains, places where bugs are fugitives and we are the law. In our homes we operate under the laws of Darwin, and since we're the biggest, strongest beings around next to great apes, bears and jungle cats, it's not uncommon for a bug to be sentenced to death over a simple trespassing charge.

So yeah, I washed his striped ass down the sink... or so I thought. When I went back to the sink after watering a plant, the yellow and black son of a queen had managed to somehow crawl its way back up. It was frantically flapping its wings to get dry and presumably fly at me for a death sting, so I smacked it with a magazine and went on with my day.

The moral of this story is to never quit. And if an ape, a bear or a jungle cat end up in your house or your sink, it's fair game. You'll probably end up getting eaten and there's nothing you can do about it unless you know magic or how to fight large creatures.


INTERNET UPDATE with your host Ponm Hasgrovve

Hi I'm Ponm, host of this new segment called "INTERNET UPDATE" made possible by a generous grant from Kellogg's and the New Hampshire Institute of Automobiles.

Recently, popular Canadian newspaper for grandpas, "The Globe and Mail" updated their website with a new look. BONER ALERT. When I checked it out for myself, I found this curious graphic on a sidebar, which I took a screen shot of:

If I were running my own popular news site, which I of course will one day, I wouldn't publicize the new "look" using a picture of the site superimposed with a weird lookin' dude who looks like he just ate lemons. It sort of 'sours' the whole thing. I write for Wired, no big deal. It's like if the New York Yankees publicized their brand new stadium with this:

New Yankee Stadium. Bike Courier Todd Snell has more, Section A1

Thank you!

I CURSED THIS BEE ONCE AND HE GOT BACK AT ME JUST BY IGNORING ME FOR AWHILE AND IT WORKED

This weekend went by so fast that all I saw of it was a quick flash of its purple Utah Jazz throwback jersey before speeding away into the night like a flock of hawks. That's a two-fold analogy because a flock of hawks is fast like the fast weekend, and it's totally fake because hawks don't fly that way which relates to the fake premise that the "weekend" was wearing a basketball shirt in the first place.

Seriously you reader, I barely had time to put on my patio boots and my socializing belt before Sunday night rolled around when I had to change into my sleeping glove and my work rings. I'm writing this at midnight and there's the ominous sound of a church bell ringing in the distance signaling the demise of temporary carefree living and eating out at restaurants. That means the weekend is over for all you Dutch out there.

The weekend was Liv's birthday weekend, her actual life anniversary being Saturday. I spent most of the weekend pampering to her every need and singing her love songs whilst stark raving nude, except one of those little robber masks, which she finds absolutely tantalizing. In reality we took it pretty easy, except Friday when I broke off on my own to see Andy Kindler at Comedy Bar, which was a laugh hose of smiles. On Saturday we had a rousing round of Klaus Teuber's "Settlers of Catan" with some dudes and then went to the Keg for good steaks, good friends, the Keg, see you tonight. We came home and tried to watch Evil Dead 2 but Liv got nauseous because she slammed too much wine and I fell asleep like a sleepy bear who's full of summer meat.

On Sunday my dad took us to the AGO because he's a member and because we live down the street. We had a wonderful little time looking at paint and then ate some sandwiches courtesy of an Italian restaurant on Baldwin. When we got home we put on some records and drank Mexican beer all afternoon until it was time to go to Comedy Bar to see Sunday Night Live.

That's it. That's the flash of a weekend. I couldn't be more piffed about going to work tomorrow, but in the words of Abraham Lincoln, "that's the way the cookie is", so I'm going to pull up my business casual socks, go in there and give infinity percent. That's what the Hardy Boys would do and they're richer than your wildest dreams.

Don't forget to watch the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8 tonight and watch a train wreck of a family! I'm going to watch it and maybe talk to you about it on a later episode of this blog, which I'm now calling "Gone and Ate Plus Fate" which is about eating and fate. Jon and Kate plus HATE - Mondays on that channel that shows the lives of short people and chicks who pump out kids as often as they normal people have barbeques with friends.

WEAR YOUR KILT WITH THE ORANGE BUGGIES ON IT

STORIES FROM THE BLACK BARN

Spooky tales to ruin your heart!

Intense fables to fry your ribs!

Crazy narratives to nudge your fudge and bake your rake!

Chapter 96 - Chapters

I went to Chapters book store today to buy some gifts and when I got in line I said to myself "What's the holdup brother?!" I noticed an overweight lady at the cash register who seemed to be nit picking her bill while there were like 10 people in line behind her patiently waiting. I recognized this lady from earlier in my trip when I was on the second floor of the two floor store and noticed the suspect and her portly friend getting on the elevator to go down one floor! I'm pretty sure the elevator is there for the elderly and the disabled. These two were overweight, but they were by no means morbidly obese.

As I approached the cash I managed to figure out what the fuss was all about. Apparently the friendly cashier had sold this lady on a Chapters membership/rewards program kind of thing that grants the customer a discount every time he or she buys something. It took a while for the cashier to explain all this and the lady finally agreed after the cashier was forced to prove it was a good deal by showing her the screen displaying the money she'd save on her purchase. So it seemed everything was cool and we could all get on with our days.

I thought wrong. When all was said and done she saw her final bill and was outraged that the membership card COST MONEY. She wrongfully assumed that entry into this discount program was free just like everything else in life. Furious, she wanted her money back and her membership revoked, which is apparently not very simple because the friendly cashier had to call a manager or top book guy or something to authorize it or something. At this point I was already cashed out via the register next to the one with all the action and I left before I got to see any more ridiculousness go down. I assume the lady would've been there for at least another ten minutes, because I'll bet the protocol for revoking one of these memberships isn't fresh in the staff's head since most people who sign up must have the insight to realize it isn't free, and once someone has payed for one, why would they ever cancel it? That's the question I'll leave you with.

Next time on STORIES FROM THE BLACK BARN

We delve deep into the bowels of the human brain's butt channel! A terrifying ruse that takes place probably in a mall again, I don't know yet. That's where the dumbest stuff is! MUAHAFHARDHAOP!

Bonus Features

I usually wouldn't have specifically pointed out this lady's weight, but I thought the elevator story gave a nice spice to the tale, adding more depth of flavour to how annoying this lady truly seemed.

JUST THINKING ABOUT MY NEW BEAR MAKES ME SMILE

Put away your slop buckets and radish trimmers, it's time once again for a classic LIVEJOURNAL POSTING FROM THE PAST. By re-posting these you get a glimpse into my storied history and it allows me to catch up on my baking. Today I got some blackberry caramel gummi bear shim shims going at 425 degrees for 4 hours. I'm going to make a homemade honey tulip glaze when they're all done.

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[20 Oct 2004|06:51pm]

Ladies and gentlemen, behold the worst MSN nickname ever!

*InA*BoLiNa* kae:cuppycake, navITA: joe louis,deen: pumpieumpkin,shawn: Sugarplum... Danielle:ur my dear! LIV: myPITA!

hmmmmm yeah.. it belongs to my roommate who is actually very sweet, although somehow she managed to combine both the stupidity of nicknames with that of bad yearbook quotes. Perhaps this is a new phenomenon... I don't know too many 18 year old gurlz so who knowz~$$*)!? I

Last week I saw this dude at the grocery store who dressed like "Survivor". He had a Red Sox hat, just like that survivor man from Boston, he had curly hair like Ethan, hadn't shaved for days, he had an ACTUAL "Survivor" head thingy around his neck, a rain coat and some hiking boots. This guy must think it's REALLY cool to be on survivor. He also bought like 50 bags of cookies.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My last year of school we wanted to stay in our house but were forced to find 2 new roommates. We got these two young girls who didn't know how to recycle. The girl who owned that MSN name left Vagisil all over the bathroom and would have sex really loud. I can't speak for the Survivor fan.

Have you had that new Barenaked Ladies ice cream? If you're not a moron who likes things that are the best, then you'll probably like it as much as I do.

TRANSMISSION SEVERED - A lobster with sunglasses has eaten your internet cable.

BYE BYE

ACHING TO GET OUT OF THIS MICROWAVE

If you're anything like me, you visit the news stand once a month to pick up a bag of Spitz dill pickle sunflower seeds, three Crunchie Bars, and the latest issue of Vanity Fair magazine. This month's issue has a spread that profiles a whole bunch of rich, young, attractive heirs and heiresses, which I will now talk about a bit.

That 'spread' link up there actually links to the article, it's not like a thing that will take you to a picture of marmalade or anything like that. Stop freaking out.

Anyway, when flipping through this thing I mostly took notice of the occupations that each of these lucky dogs have because these guys don't need to work so they could basically choose to do anything they want. It's like when you buy a Crush Rainbow Pack and get to observe people's taste in soda. Grape loses most of the time. Grape is the factory job of the Rainbow Pack. I of course also checked out how hot they were.

It seems most of these people are in fashion or some sort of art like acting. The fashion thing really bothered me because it seems to be this sort of club full of rich, attractive people who give each other high paying jobs that involve choosing some other rich person's pants. "The Hills" would be a good example of the same thing, although it's more a TV show than a real life depiction of 'work'. I'm not talking about the whole fashion industry, just that upper crust that only the privileged and connected seem to gain entrance to.

I think the artists are alright because I like art and you have to be talented to be recognized, so they can't just ask daddy for a job or anything like that. The best guys were those who chose to be philanthropists for obvious reasons.

I think the reason why this article kind of irked me is because I hate it when people get recognized for just being who they are rather than what they accomplish. Some of these people have accomplished a lot but only because of their pedigree. I'm more interested in people who come from nothing to achieve things. I'm also jealous. Big time irk on that one. Full admits.

Let's put opinions aside and instead talk about something stupid and gross.

Want to picture something really gross? Imagine someone is sitting on the toilet doing the thing you do on the toilet and then they get someone else to sit on their lap and do the same thing between their legs? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOSSS. I bet someone has done that. Let's call it the "Ice Cream Sandwich".

TREATS FOR TERRY AND BUGS FOR DON DON

How did I spend my Victoria Day long weekend? By worshiping the Queen of course! I spent the bulk of the weekend sculpting a bust of the late, plump monarch out of plaster of Paris. When I was done I took it over to a local pub where I donated it along with $5,000 cash to support the Empire. The rest of the weekend I make a mosaic out of bottle caps. That had nothing to do with the Queen really, I just felt like being a crazy guy.

In real life I had a pretty good weekend. On Saturday we made Big Burgers in lieu of my friend Scott's birthday. Here is visual proof to stymie your doubts and entice your tum tum

The one on the left is the "Mexican Swine Flu" burger with a pork/sausage/beef patty, topped with pulled pork, fried tortilla, salsa, re-fried beans, avocado and some other Mexican treats, and the one on the right is the "Tally Ho" burger inspired by the famous Hamilton roast beef sandwich restaurant of the same name. It featured an all beef patty seasoned with salt, pepper, bbq sauce and oregano, topped with shaved roast beef and gravy served on an olive focaccia loaf in honour of the Greek ladies who work at the place and pump gravy so generously that you called call them the Mother Teresas of beef and gravy and burgers and fries.

We went to the Rhino after that and partied just fine post burgers and all was well.

On Sunday I went to see Star Trek (good bean) and went out for dinner for my mom's birthday. I had black cod. Then I went to Sunday Night Live to laugh but I felt tired and shitty so I didn't party too much after.

MONDAY HOLIDAY MONDAY was a good little package, starting with a trip to Best Buy to buy some Lord of the Rings movies and a Powerade for the tennis match I was to play with my sister that afternoon. And I bought some sweat slacks from Mark's Work Wearhouse. I think I got the last mediums in the whole joint.

My sister and I had a great little sports game of the popular racquet sport, which we're fairly evenly matched at, even though I won straight sets. My serve was workin' like an honorable man with 8 kids to feed and he works at a plant and it's tough work.

Post match I ran into some friends en route to the market where I was to buy food for living and saw Michael Cera leaving 'Saving Grace' a place that has good eggs apparently. I then did some writing, made dinner and watched hockey along with the Survivor marathon on TVtropolis. which is a city made out of TVs and run by a mayor with a camera for a head. His name is "Chip".

MANIC MONDAY MOVIE MOAT

Welcome to the moat!

Here's a video that this guy Stein showed me. It's sort of like watching Celebrity Jeopary on SNL. The best part is Little Richard at the end and when they can't solve a very obvious puzzle:

A MESSAGE ON HOLIDAY MONDAY

Hi Canada, happy Victoria Day

FRIDAY MAIL BAG

Hello over there!

Post Master Eli here with a special delivery of mail. Here's a joke - What's the difference between real mail and 'e-mail'? Elbow Grease and a soul, that's what. This is the first time I've ever used a computer and let me tell you something, it pales in comparison to a cup of coffee, a loaf of bread and a shit load of ducks if you know what I mean. I meant a day in the park feeding ducks if you didn't.

Anyway, business calls! Glenn asked me to transmit these real letters over the cyber net for you to enjoy and I'm not one to shy away from my duties, unlike the lazy, pimple faced rubes who use computers to do everything for them. Can a computer tie your shoes and bake your Sunday pie? I don't think so. Well, I gotta run. See you next March and remember to tip your cap to your local postal workers next time you see them. They're the most important people in the world.

Regards,

Post Master Eli


Dear Blog,

I'm interested in starting my own website. My question is, if I like a girl and she doesn't like me back, what do I do?

Yours,
Scoopy Root

Thanks for the question Scoopy. To get a girl to like you all you need to do is change everything about yourself. I'd start by getting a makeover and going for a shopping trip to your local promenade. It wouldn't hurt asking this girl exactly what she wants in a man and then just doing what she says. She likes muscles? Start working out or buy bigger shirts. She likes guys in bands? Learn an instrument or simply pass someone else's song off as your own. High risk, high reward, that's what love is all about.

Hello,

I've lived in a small town all my life and I'm going off to school in the big city come September. Got any tips?

Thanks,

Bilbo Livingston

Yo Bilbo. Living in a big city is a lot like having sex for the first time - just act like you know what you're doing and you'll be fine. It's also like playing Nintendo Wii for the first time - so amazing and then it's like 'big deal' and you'd rather be outside. In this case outside is like the country or something. It could also be like eating soup - at first you want to dig right in, but it's best to take things slow and enjoy the soup. It's kind of like Chinese Checkers too.

That's all the mail for today. There was a big pile of mail, but only two were real letters. The rest were drawings of rhinos by Post Master Eli. He used to be a zookeeper you know. Enjoy this long weekend and don't forget the things that make long weekends great - beers, beef, spaghetti and games.

ATTENTION BUSINESS/FINANCIAL/SPORTS EDITORS:

Travel week continues today, with a special feature called "My Favourite Places I've Never Been". I hope you enjoyed yesterday's interview with animal expert and world traveler Jack Hannah, who revealed he will NOT be appearing in Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen, as originally reported by People magazine. Travel week continues tomorrow with the Summer Cottage Special with do it yourself renovation tips from former Toronto Blue Jay and current boat owner, Rob Ducey, as well as some wholesome cottage recipes courtesy of the Ontario Meatball League.

My Favourite Places I've Never Been

In theory I love to travel. It's always been my philosophy that if we're limited to stay on planet Earth at this point in human history thanks to a lack of civilian space travel, we might as well enjoy every inch of it. But when I travel I usually get stressed and don't end up enjoying the trip to its fullest extent. Don't cry for me. That being said, there are areas of Earth that I think I'd really enjoy, and most of them are fairly obvious because I'm no Carmen Sandiago when it comes to geography.

Australia

No duh. Even though this place is home to some of the wildest beasts, hottest weather and worst sports, most people would agree it's a #1 vacation destination thanks to its colourful population, pristine beaches, total babes and funny accents. Australians are like a mix between Californians, Canadians and Brits, which are my three of my favourites so I'm willing to bet I'd have a good time. I think the only way I'd be able to go to is if I got on one of those planes where the seats can be beds because a 17 hour flight is too long and I have big time trouble sleeping in tin birds.

Egypt

It must have been my dad who instilled a wonderment with history inside my brain. One of my favourite parts of a trip is exploring the history of the area, visiting famous spots and feeling awesome. That's why I want to go to Egypt, which is a place that was once ruled by cat worshipping magical kings and a hot babe and by night was haunted by real mummies. The Pyramids are like Stonehenge combined with the CN Tower and they still look pretty good unlike the shitty Coliseum of Rome. The only thing about Egypt is that all I really want to see is the Sphinx, the Pyramids and the Nile, so I'll have to read up on its restaurant and club scene to make sure it's up to snuff before I commit.

Japan

Two of my cousins once went to Japan and assured me that it's everything you'd hope it would be - totally weird and totall awesome. My uncle used to go all the time for work and he'd bring back strange things like video phones and video games about farting. I can get down like that. It also seems to be the most Western friendly of all East Asian nations, which for a guy who likes adventure, but not a whole lot of adventure, is a good thing.

Honourable mention goes to Italy, Africa and Thailand.

Before I go to any of these places I figure I should see all of Canada first, because it's my home and native land. Then again, once you've seen Windsor, you've seen it all!

I HOPE THIS DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE, BUT ON THE OTHER HAND IT SELLS PAPERS

HOT TOPIC

Tamils! These guys have been real mad lately because of the civil war going on in Sri Lanka I think. They've been trying to persuade the Canadian government to talk turkey with the world and try to stop this thing, but it's been a rough ride. Like most citizens of Toronto, I was pissed when they blocked the highway, but remain sympathetic, and after hearing some of them talk on TV it seems they don't care what the public thinks of them, they just want results. FAIR BALL TAMILS.

Despite my sympathy I still feel like they shouldn't have risked lives with that blockade. There are other ways to protest, albeit more boring ways, which is why the Canadian Government asked myself and other prominent citizens (Doug Gilmour, Mitsou, the guy who plays drums at SkyDome, Mel Lastman's fat son, Rod Black and Jim Carrey) to form a task force to generate some alternative protest ideas that we can hand over to the Tamils. After a long night, 6 boxes of Lucky Charms, a case of Vernor's and a viewing of the first three Meatballs films, here's what we came up with:

1) High Pitched Squealing - Remember that scene in Summer School when Mr. Shoop quits and the principle comes in and they all start humming? The Tamils should do this, but on a bigger scale and in a higher register. They could also play that part of "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" over and over again a la this guy I heard about on Howard Stern once. He hated his neighbours and played the "do do do do do, do do do do do do" part on repeat when he went away and it drove them nuts.

2) Get nude - I can't think of too many things that would make people as unreasonably upset as a naked parade. Yeah, it's kind of taboo, but it's nothing you haven't seen before. It would get people's attention and no one would get hurt, unless Tamil men have dick lasers, which I'm pretty sure they don't.

3) Celebrity support - Celebrities can make people buy or do anything. Instead of appealing to the Canadian government, talk to Bono, Brad Pitt or Jay-Z because they seem to be able to grab people's attention better than any world leader.

Here's something funny - comedian Aziz Ansari is Tamil and instead of protesting against Sri Lanka, he's been spending his time protesting against IMAX because they gypped him five bucks and it's been getting mad coverage all over the place. There's irony or something in there somewhere.

That's all we came up with. We didn't get much done because Rod Black wouldn't shut up about his lawn and Dougie got up every two minutes to "piss like crazy".

I've got tickets to the symphony tonight, so I'm outta here. Kim Mitchell will be playing Flight of The Bumblebee on guitar. EXCITED!!!

MY TOWEL HAS A PICTURE OF A HAMSTER ON IT AND THE HAMSTER HAS A TOWEL WITH REGULAR STRIPES

That up there is one of those things that shows words I use on this blog and the bigger they are the more I use them. I feel like it only checked words on the main page and didn't delve into the archives because I don't think I mention "Oprah" all that often. I must have mentioned "farts" way more than "Oprah" but maybe I haven't lately because I haven't been farting as much.

That's a bald faced fib. It's spring time! I've got the spring stink! It's this time of year that farts smell of garbage mixed with roses and a hint of Gatorade because you've been so active. That's just simple science, nothing more.

MEMORY OF THE MONTH

One day I mentioned how I worked at a grocery store when I was 16. What was I like when I was 16? I don't really know. I was fairly shy, I had messy hair, I was skinny and kind of a dweeb but I could be funny and I knew how to play sports, the kind of currency that buys one a level of popularity slightly above medium.

One day this Russian guy came into the store and he asked me: "Do you have any peeot a go?" I'm really bad with accents and of all my senses, I think 'hearing' is probably the weakest of the gang.

They'd probably go: Sight, touch, taste, smell, ears. I don't have a sixth sense, though I once felt the presence of a ghost at grandma's house when a metronome went off by itself. Ghost musician. Spook notes.

Anyway, I asked this Russian guy to clarify and again I was met with "peeot a go". It got to a point where I was too embarrassed to ask him again so I pretended I knew what he was talking about and led him around the store hoping he'd see whatever "peeot a go" was. I kind of thought he might've said "Powdered Milk" so I took him to the baking aisle. No luck. Finally, I brought him to a customer service person and told him to ask her. He said it again and she understood immediately that what he was looking for was "Pot of Gold" brand chocolates.

That's the story. Interestingly, the movie "Career Opportunities" is loosely based on my experiences working in that store. I'm the Jennifer Connelly character.

Until the NHL playoffs are over, the content around here may suffer because my mind is on the Stanley Cup. Don't worry though, after it's all said and done, this blog contain the most comprehensive summertime fun guide you ever saw. I haven't figured out exactly what that means yet, but much like that part in "Flight of the Navigator" when the brother has to guide the kid and the alien back to Florida, "you'll know it when you see it". POOPSTER

OH BOY YOUR PANTS ARE CLEAR

On Saturday after it rained and the sun said "HIIII BAABBBBY" I decided I'd better go outside and do something, so I got up and went to buy new speakers. I walked to National Sound on Queen St which is pretty far but not the farthest and found a pair that I liked for a price that I liked and figured I could carry one under each arm back to my stationary non-commercial dwelling. Like clear cola, this was bad idea.

First, my arms got real tired, real fast. I managed to get to Spadina before I took a rest and things were going rough. When I got to the Lush/Ultra Supper Club area I decided I'd try a new carrying technique, which was to stack them and carry them in both hands, get it?? This was working okay, but it proved awkward and the space between the two speakers kept pinching my forearms. Now I have these strange scrapes/bruises that look as if my parents got divorced which led me to put on some Matthew Good and then start cutting myself in angst.

I finally got to the girls in the brothel and for the next few hours I couldn't lift my arms because I'm so weak and the speakers were heavy and took my arms to the limit. I even had trouble buttoning a shirt. I also have a bruise on my hip and the strange markings on my forearms. I did it for rock n roll and summer time good times.

That's all I'm going to tell you for now. Here are some quick facts:

- I didn't see Star Trek
- Sports are very important to me right now
- Mother's Day was highlighted by seeing my mom and eating pork prepared by master chef, my dad

Let's start the week off right. Tie your shoes tight and add extra pickles to your lunch time meal. Pickles are smiles on a baby cat.

I HAVE TO ADMIT, I JUST LOVE SCREAMING AT BIRDS

This week hasn't been the best. If not for the NHL and their playoffs I'd be in a downright stink. But don't worry friends, Friday brings dreams of sunshine, meals prepared by workers at restaurants just for you and cold drinks that alter your brain. And for all the ladies out there who have had sex resulting in human baby, it's your special day on Sunday! Lots to look forward to. Since my mom's birthday is a week after Mother's Day I don't usually go crazy beans with presents and usually give mother something small and/or funny.

One year my friend Jon thought it'd be a good idea for us all to paint self portraits of ourselves to give to our mom bombs. Here's mine:

I think it's one of the best things I've ever drawn. Another year I made a glossy 8x10 photo of myself and autographed it, and I wish I could show it to you but my mom keeps it at work and I didn't get a chance to scan it. I've given you some good ideas, now get up off that bean bag chair, turn off that Laserdisc and go get some damn supplies.

Seriously though, at least make your mom a card. Not only is it thoughtful, but it's also a big "EAT FARTS" to the greeting card companies who prey on the love we have toward the girls that birthed us. Trust me, your mom will like it way better and she'll probably keep it unless you mess it up and it sucks. If you're having trouble coming up with material, here are some quick messages you can use:

Roses are red, rice is from China, I wouldn't be here without your vagina

Mom - I'm old enough now that I could beat you up no problem, but of course I never would!

Mom - Our love is strictly emotional, but damn you look good

You raised me, fed me and nurtured me. All I can give in return is my love and a promise I'll give you the best damn funeral when you die.

All you have to so is add in a picture of a heart or a small woodland creature and you've got yourself a card. Ding Dong. The doorbell! Let's see who's there...

Oh it's a mom!

THIS GAME IS INTO OVERTIME SO I NEED SOME MORE OF THAT DELICIOUS CELERY ROOT

When the Internet was younger than it is today, me and my high school pals used to go to seanbaby.com for cyber laughs. The Seanbaby introduced us all to this site, www.fatchicksinpartyhats.com, which I think was way ahead of its time, and still totally rules to this day. So next time your plant dies or you can't find your Swatch and you feel so upset you can't even poo straight, go to those sites and everything will be forgotten.

Oprah is giving away free KFC to everyone in America. That's pretty cool of Oprah and everything, and she does some pretty good things for people, but there's always something slightly sinister lurking behind every one of her good deeds it seems. She gave away all those cars that one time, but then all the ladies realized they had to pay taxes and insurance and stuff so it was like "oooooooooooooooo??". Then she got all passionate about cows and how they shouldn't be eaten I think, which is cool, but then all the Texas beef men were like, "beef feeds my kids, literally and figuratively" and people got confused because Oprah is supposed to be a modern day lady Jesus. All that information is purely based on memory, so it might be all wrong.

But anyway, giving away KFC is cool I guess, but first of all it screams "PROMOTION!" because the chicken they're giving away is a new KFC product called "Grilled Chicken". Instead of blowing millions on advertising, they just figured they'd give away a bunch and to make it look even better they got Oprah to pretend she was buying it for everyone. Even if she did pay for it all, wouldn't that money be better spent giving chicken to third world countries or something? Or clean water for that matter? Or hats? Or goats?

In conclusion, Oprah is overall a good lady, but she's no Colonel Sanders. When he died he gave all his money away. He also once said "I don't believe in bad weather, just different kinds of good weather". SICK. Seriously, if you ever get an opportunity to watch a biography on the Colonel, do so. I guess you could just read about him on Wikipedia, but I feel like that won't be as good. Watch the A&E biography of Andre the Giant too. It's one of the best films of all time.



That chick coming out of the water at the beginning of that ad is the best. If I were the guys in the boat I would've smacked her with an ore and got out of there. What the heck is she doing down there, diving for jewels?

THE QUOTA IS 13 HENS OR 10 ROOSTERS, YOUR CHOICE

Right now I'm at my house and it's 7:22 pm on Tuesday. I left work early because I barely slept last night after watching "Wall Street" and that sore throat I told you about has left its cocoon and turned into a beautiful cold. I don't get sick all that often but when I do I always eat apples, drink orange juice and make soup and it usually works pretty good, but how can you really tell? Colds don't have a defined shelf life, but since I don't ever fight humans, I figure I might as well fight colds.

Anyway, I'm not very motivated to write much in here right now, so here's something I've already written that you might find interesting. If not, check out the Internet Movie Database on the Internet. It's got so much stuff.

Speaking of movies, here's a thing I did last year called "Roger Ebert's Summer Blockbuster Reviews" at a Laugh Sabbath show here in Toronto where I played Roger Ebert and basically just read the following. The movies are from last year and if that bothers you, then you don't understand that time is just a concept man.

Summer Movie Blockbuster Reviews

Iron Man

This is a movie for all you rocket boys and rocket girls. Iron Man is a flying man from California, who makes a suit in Iraq. He’s handsome and rich, just like a prince from fairy tales of old and he loves fighting crime just like your town’s police guys. What does this all add up to? A whole lotta fun that both you and your teenager will really smile at. Are there boobs in it? No, but there’s a couple of babes.

Wall-E

The “geniuses” at Pixar make a cute movie with some bots. But I’m not going to start tickling their nuts quite yet. There’s a dirty little guy and a flying ipod who say each other's name for 2 hours while some fat guys sit around in the future. Have you seen Star Wars? It’s better.

Get Smart

Get Smart? Wet fart. Wet farts are exactly what I had after I ate a box of milk duds, a plastic tub with batman on it full of popcorn and three root beers throughout the film’s 110 minutes. Steve Carrel looks like a mole and if this movie was about a mole instead of a secret agent and if it took place in Atlantis or a volcano city with fire lions in it instead of America it would’ve probably been better. The Rock puts in a memorable performance.

Wanted

I eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner every damn night and you what? I don’t get sick of it. But if I had to watch Wanted every night I’d pour glue on my eyes and even if it didn’t glue my eyes shut, at least the chemicals would blind me or at least do a fair amount of damage. So yeah I didn’t like it, although the theatre I saw it at had cool bathrooms with great lighting and the option of paper towels or a hand dryer. The bathroom at work only has the hand dryer and those things take forever.

Sex and the City

This movie loses points out of the gate for not having a dragon in it. But let’s face it; people didn’t see this film for dragons but for four loose women who shop and complain all day long. My favourite loose goose of the four is the one that’s my age. You know, that blond one that has sex more than the other three chickies. I went to a Cubs game with Chris Noth in 1999. The only thing I remember is attempting to catch a foul ball and him yelling out “Timmmmmmmmbeerrrrr”. I punched him square in the nose then went to go see the Matrix again.

The Dark Knight

I’m putting this film in Roger Ebert’s hall of fame alongside hamburgers, waterslides, post intercourse cherry blasters, a solid game of basketball, the backside of a lady and a big old banana split. I was once at a party in L.A. and I saw Christian Bale making out with three chicks while eating a steak and the bar we were at wasn’t even a restaurant. At the end of the party he did a magic trick where all the walls disappeared. Then a Jet Plane picked him up. This film may not win an Oscar but it certainly won the boners of millions of fellas across the world.

TODAY I SAW A PURPLE DOG NAMED RUDOLPH (YEAH RIGHT)

I've got these stomach issues that prevent me from enjoying my favourite foods, but on weekends I usually let loose and throw caution to the wind, leading to much discomfort at the cost of deliciousness.

On Sunday I told my insides to shut up and strap in. For breakfast I had bacon, eggs, hash browns and pancakes, which isn't so bad. I'm a breakfast traditionalist and eggs are one of my favourite ways to eat an animal. They've actually won several 'Glennies' at my annual year end awards show that goes on inside my head. Other big winners at last year's ceremony, hosted by Kathy Ireland in an bikini in 1990 included Star Wars, nice days and funny things. I then drank coffee as I was waiting for my laundry and coffee is high on the foods to avoid list that my doctor gave me awhile ago hence my dangerous intake of substances I shouldn't consume began.

Come dinner time I told Liv to "eat shit, I'm getting Indian food", which made my taste buds go "show me your tits!" while on Monday morning my stomach said "we partied too hard". I also had some beer at Sunday Night Live, which is something I've been trying to cut down on because it's also on that list of foods I love that make my feel terrible. So yeah, Monday was a real shitty time because all these foods and liquids combined into a Voltron of discomfort and frowns. Just as my stomach felt better I started to get a sore throat that is still scratchin' as this is being written. Part of me hopes it's Swine Flu because I'd probably get a whole lot of time off work and it'd be kind of like being a part of history and I could reasonably wear a t-shirt like this:

It's an awkward design, but I think it would sell.

Do you think homeless people who live in California are as grumpy as homeless people around here? Probably not. But that's like saying you won an asshole contest. I'll bet everyone's California doppleganger is generally happier than you. If they're not then there's something wrong with them. 74% of my unhappiness over the last year has been a direct result of shitty weather.

Coming up tomorrow: An update on my throat featuring commentary from my larynx. He's going to be in such a bad mood!

BUM BUM MARMALADE

When chefs get really good a lot them get really dumb haircuts.

Now that I've got that off my chest, I'd like to pass along some sadder news I received last week. My sister's cat "Petey" aka "Bonkers" got hit by a car on Friday and is no longer with us. This was the type of cat that you always hope for when you get a new cat. He was friendly, rambunctious, fluffy, soft, and very mischievous. Petey, you were a good man and you'll be missed by everyone who petted you and observed your off the wall antics. (pours out 40 on the ground)

Speaking of 40's, they were front and center at my friend Kevin's wedding on the weekend. Because we enjoyed them so much during university, Kevin put one on our table and his dad worked one into his prop heavy father of the groom speech, a nice little touch to an already impressive reception. Remember what Ice Cube says in "Friday" when he grabs the box of cereal? That's what we said when we saw the forty. I just hope the one black guy at the wedding didn't mind. Here it is thanks to the future and all the scientists out there:



Short Circuit 2 is way better than Short Circuit 1, no doubt thanks to the replacement of Steve Guttenberg with Michael McKean. That part where Johnny 5 turns into a bad ass also helps. And the Bonnie Tyler song during the climax.

Should these entries be shorter? Would you prefer an expresso shot or a large with cream and sugar? Or do you drink lemonade in the morning? That's what I'll do, I'll just serve up medium fruit juices because that's what everyone likes. Anyway, just let me know. Today's is a bit shorter. See you later.

THANK GOODNESS FOR ALL OF THOSE YELLOW SCARVES

My sunburn is almost healed now and it's starting to peel, which is the best part. There's nothing more satisfying than peeling a big old sheet of skin off. Did you ever do that thing when you were a kid where you cover your hand in white glue, let it dry and then peel it off? If you like peeling then give it a try next time you have some glue handy. I guess glue isn't the kind of thing young adults keep around though. When you're a kid there's glue everywhere. Glue and construction paper. If I needed that stuff now I don't even think I'd know where to find it. When was the last time you used glue? When you get old you use staplers, paper clips and tape for any fastening needs, am I right? Staplers are the Skor bars of the fastening world - a more civilized choice.

My sunburn is also itchy. When I worked at a grocery store around the age of 15 or 16 I had this terrible sunburn and it itched so bad when I was at work that I needed quick relief or else I'd go crazy. So I went to the pharmacy area and decided on Gold Bond cream because Gold Bond is a trusted name in powders and creams and it said right on the package that it was good for sunburns. I put the cream on and it made me itchier so I've never, and will never, use that shit again. During one of my first ever hangovers I had to go to work at the grocery store and this manager asked me to go find a shopping cart that was on the lawn of the President of the Company's or something. I remember wandering around aimlessly looking for this thing and having to stop every few minutes to sit down and get my head straight or else I'd barf. I finally found the damn thing and had to wheel it up this giant hill. When I got back I said I was sick and went home. I remember my sister tried to convince my parents that I was hungover, which I flatly denied. Well played Laura, but you you'll never destroy me.

I think I've finally finished that Office spec script I've been working on forever and it feels like a nice warm dip in a pool with the BBQ going right beside it being worked by a a grill master. I bought this book called "The War on Art" and it's all about procrastination and stuff and I'm not big on self-help or anything, but it really helped myself. Chances are that in a couple of weeks I'll lose much of the momentum this book has given me, but maybe that will be the test as to whether I can actually sustain being a writer in the professional sense.

This entry was kind of boring. Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with stuff to tell you, but be assured this is probably as bad as it'll get. If it got worse, I'd erase everything and instead post pictures of funny toads or some more choose your own adventure stories. Maybe this wasn't that bad, but I think the part in the middle about the grocery store adventures wasn't all that exciting. Luckily, thanks to the aforementioned book I read, it doesn't matter what you write as long as you write. I guess that doesn't help you, the reader, but don't worry I always try to make this as good as possible even if I got NOTHING.